The mom from hell

[debthaven]

DD got a real job offer yesterday! We are thrilled for her ... she is in the hospitality industry, and she has always worked in the restaurant side, but she wanted a job in reception, not in the restaurant industry. 

She received a job offer in reception yesterday, at a 4* hotel, after 1 week! 

Unfortunately, it's badly paid, which is par for the course. DD has a BA in Hospitality Management, but it's still an entry-level position, and it's not well-paid.

She's not terrible with money, but she's not great either. I know her well enough to know that her salary = pocket money. 

DH and I have been discussing whether to offer her our local studio, at cost. Problem solved, it was rented (at market value) today. 

So DD will be living at home for the foreseeable future. So we told her we are collecting 25% of her net income in rent. She went white ... she said, OMG, you are my parents, I can't believe you are doing this to me. DH said, believe it, because we are. She said, can I please have one month's grace? We said yes, you can have Sept, but not more. Oct rent is due on 1 Oct. 

DD repeated, OMG, I can't believe this, my own parents are charging me rent to live in my own home. We said, have we mentioned it's due on the 1st of the month? She said, this is surreal. 

She looked SO sad and depressed. She was on the verge of tears.

Now I KNOW I would preferred not to tell her this, and to have surprised her with that money. But given my (difficult) relationship with DD, DH and I decided it was better to be honest. So I said, your rent will be put into a separate account. When you are ready to move out, either to go abroad again or to get your own place, we will give you back your "rent". 

DD said, OMG, you are FORCING me to save money! She said, OMG, here I was thinking you were the parents from hell, but in fact, you're brilliant! THAT IS SO SMART OF YOU! Because you're right, I wouldn't have saved that money on my own. 

At this point, DS3 (17) piped up, don't forget you need to save for taxes too! DD said, OMG, he's right, I have to save for taxes too! I said if you want you can give us an extra $200 a month and we'll save your taxes too, but it would be better if you saved that yourself. DD said, you're right, it would be better for me to do it myself. Give me a couple of days to think about it. 

She is NOT affectionate with me AT ALL, but she couldn't stop hugging me all evening!

I'm thinking we have a win here!!!

[Tennesseer]

You are even worse than her:

[debthaven]

OMG Tenn, I'm going to have nightmares LOL!

[zibazinski]

He's evil I tell you. But I'm not naming names.

[travelnut11]

Awesome story Debt...I would've preferred the surprise as well but I can see why you wanted to let her know what's going on in advance.

I'm confused about the taxes though...do French employers not withhold income tax from her wages?  Or are these taxes of a different kind?

[toomuchreality]

I'm glad that for the moment, this is a good plan. Congrats!

So what are you going to do, when the 1st comes and she doesn't have the money for her rent? Then she says it's her money any way, cuz you were just going to save it for her... etc.?


I don't mean to be Debbie Downer.  In fact, I say, enjoy the moment while you can!

Hooray!

[debthaven]

Yes Travelnut, the money that is withheld from salary is different taxes. 

Toomuch, we plan to make her set up an auto transfer. You're right I have no guarantee but I really think she'll play. 

[sarcasticgirl]

You are nicer than me... Or my mom. I had to pay rent to her when I was briefly out of school and lived with her. And no she wasn't keeping it to give it to me later. If I had said those things your daughter said she would have probably raised the amount and asked me if I wanted to keep arguing or told me I was free to leave and find somewhere else to live. Her house isn't "my house" by any means. I never paid the mortgage and I am not entitled to live there for free.
I think it is a nice thing you are doing for her... But I would add a challenge " if your rent is late, you forfeit that amount and will not get it back" in the real world, we have to pay rent on time and it is not saved and given back to us. Just a thought!

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[lexxy703]

I'm happy that for the moment she thinks you are brilliant.  My bff did the same thing with her oldest son.  But it was a surprise for him because he didn't complain about paying rent.

[debthaven]

Sarcastic, I like that idea! 

[andi9899]

Since she's paying rent does that mean she gets to come and go as she pleases? Just like if she were living on her own.

[gacpa]

You are nicer than me... Or my mom. I had to pay rent to her when I was briefly out of school and lived with her. And no she wasn't keeping it to give it to me later. If I had said those things your daughter said she would have probably raised the amount and asked me if I wanted to keep arguing or told me I was free to leave and find somewhere else to live. Her house isn't "my house" by any means. I never paid the mortgage and I am not entitled to live there for free.
I think it is a nice thing you are doing for her... But I would add a challenge " if your rent is late, you forfeit that amount and will not get it back" in the real world, we have to pay rent on time and it is not saved and given back to us. Just a thought!

Sarcastic girl,

My mom did have to pay rent to live in her parents home when she was growing up...because she was a girl. As soon as she was able to work, they got a cut of her pay for rent.  Her brothers were allowed to live rent free at home.  How about that?

When my cousin told his grown daughter she needed to pay him rent to live in his house, she moved out.  To my knowledge, they no longer speak.

I do like your idea of late payment=forfeiture.

[debthaven]

Gacpa, that's terrible, so unfair!

Andi, DD pretty much comes and goes as she pleases anyway ... which is fine with us, as long as she tells us where she is and if / when she'll be back so we don't worry. Thankfully my kids have always been good about that.

We don't have many "rules" here once the kids graduate HS / start college. Our rules are really common courtesy, ie tell us where you're going, who you're with, and if you're not home for dinner or not sleeping at home. It's not about restricting them or telling them what they can and can't do, it's about courtesy and my peace of mind. DS3 (17) still has rules though. :-)

ETA: Andi DD lived at home during college except for her 3 long internships away, so it's not like her living at home is new for us. 

[techguy]

Sept 1, 2015 18:39:37 GMT -5 debthaven said:

OMG Tenn, I'm going to have nightmares LOL!

Now I know why your DD says "OMG" so many times.  =)

[toomuchreality]

Sept 2, 2015 2:53:22 GMT -5 debthaven said:

Yes Travelnut, the money that is withheld from salary is different taxes. 

Toomuch, we plan to make her set up an auto transfer. You're right I have no guarantee but I really think she'll play. 

Oh, auto transfer is an excellent idea!

You'll never know , unless you try. Right?  Plus, you gotta have hope. Where would we be without it?!

I hope it all works out, and goes very s m o o t h l y.


You're a good mom!

[sesfw]

So we told her we are collecting 25% of her net income in rent. She went white ... she said, OMG, you are my parents, I can't believe you are doing this to me.

WOW does this bring back the memories.  We did this to our DD 30 + years ago and boy did she scream.  She paid for about 3 months before she and a gf got their own place.  Six months later both girls were very broke and back home.  She still complained about the rent until she told the wrong person.  The lady she told was a friend my age and that lady said 'I'll take it'.  DD lowered the volume of her complaints.

No, we didn't give the funds to her when she finally left for good.  Might have if we thought about it.

[TheOtherMe]

That is exactly what my parents did to me--only I did not know I would receive the money when I eventually moved out.  And they made me save 50% of the rest of my check.  I was not happy, but it definitely helped me put a nice down payment on a house as I continued the saving 50% habit after I left home.

[Bonny]

OMG another MFH!

Knee Deep in Water Chloe should love this!

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Well, DD is just going to own the house now. 

My parents started charging me $50 per month on my 18th birthday. 
I graduated from high school in June when I was 17 and turned 18 that November. 
I didn't move out until I was about 19.5. So, that was about $900 total. 
They didn't give me the money back. 

[toomuchreality]

My parents would have charged me rent too. And they would not have given it back. I have no doubt about either of those statements. However, I got married and moved out, during my Senior year in high school. (17)  By age 18 I had graduated from high school, had a baby and we bought our first house.

[taz157]

My ILs charged DH rent after he dropped out of college and moved back home. I have no idea how much it was as it was before I knew him. When his parents wanted to upgrade their stereo system, they asked DH to do it. Somehow it it brought up that the money used was all the rent money he had paid them over the years.

I lived with my mom (parents are divorced) after high school while attending community college and moved out when I transferred to a 4 year university and moved I with my boyfriend (now DH). My mom never charged me rent. I don't think she charged my brother either after he graduated high school and turned 18, and worked until he move to go to a technical trade school. If he or lived with our dad, I'm not sure what he would have done.

[debthaven]

Chloe, don't worry ... when things get ugly, I remind DD that DH and I own the house and that she can do whatever she wants later, when she owns her own house LOL. She is the 3rd of our 4 kids and the only one we've ever had to say that to (perhaps because she lived at home rather than away during her college years.)

We don't want DD's money. We want DD to be happy. We both strongly believe that a good part of being happy in life is not living paycheck to paycheck, and being able to afford all of your needs, and some of your wants. 

That's all we're trying to teach her here. 

Sadly, if she wanted to live on her own in this VHCOLA area, with her paycheck, it would require 50% of her salary. So, we're trying to give her options for later, and a head start. 

ETA: The other thing that is starting to sink in is, per DD, I know my salary is very low. Did my brothers have starting salaries like that? No, they had higher salaries. Even starting out? Yes. Because they have Masters degrees? Yes. But also because they chose different fields. 

We also tell her, all the time, you are great at what you do, you are bilingual, you WILL move up, you just need to give it some time! You chose your field well. That is very true! The hotel industry is one of the few industries today where you can move up on your own experience and merits. Plus, you always have the option of going for a Masters later if you want to. (For now DD is totally allergic to more education, we had to carry her kicking and screaming through her Bachelors. She got a vocational HS degree and is literally the ONLY kid from her HS graduating class to have gotten a college degree. Because her mom is the mom from hell LOL.)

But I am tired, and I want a break ... at this point I sort of prefer my students, because I can turn them off at night LOL. 

I'm giving it one more year, because DS3 is a HS senior and I want to give him one more (intensive) year too. 

Then maybe I will move to Mars and teach online LOL. 

[sesfw]

Then maybe I will move to Mars and teach online LOL.

I know a lot of teachers that will go with you.

Keep up the good work .................