When children become young adults (legally)

[suesinfl]

My DD will be 18 in September and I was wondering how you handled your child/red becoming a legal adult. Or how your parents handled it. In Florida, she will be considered an adult, but she will also be a senior in high school. In general she’s a good kid, A/B student, National Honor Society, plays volleyball and softball, works PT (12/15 hrs per week) and has 24 credit hours towards her A.S. degree.

But, she is not perfect. She sometimes doesn’t think ahead to all the possibilities of not planning. Doesn’t really think about the consequences of her actions, nothing bad, just stupid things that had she thought through things the outcome would have been different. But I look at it as a part of life’s growing experience, especially since there has been no harm done and she learned a lesson.

She has a curfew of midnight, unless we otherwise agree on a time. No overnight dates, either at home or elsewhere. Does her own laundry, is responsible for the gas in her truck, rarely asks for money unless it for something she needs, but doesn’t have the cash, cooks sometimes (doesn’t like to clean up the mess, though). Helps with other house work, grudgingly, etc. Buys special groceries that I would not normally buy.

She plans to remain home to finish her A.S. degree next year and then move on the a university, so I don’t see the rules changing, but was wondering how others deal/dealt with a like situation.

[thyme4change]

I was 18 when I was a senior, and it was "my house, my rules" by my parents until I left.  The rules were the same as when I was 17.

I don't see a good reason to suddenly make everything different on the day someone turns 18.  Birthdays are not magical.  You grow up little by little and you should have been affording her additional responsibilities and privileges throughout her childhood.  Even when she moves out, I suspect the relationship won't immediately change to two adults on equal footing.  You will still be a mentor and guiding force.  It will just diminish over time.  

[andi9899]

Jul 26, 2015 9:01:06 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

I was 18 when I was a senior, and it was "my house, my rules" by my parents until I left.  The rules were the same as when I was 17.

I don't see a good reason to suddenly make everything different on the day someone turns 18.  Birthdays are not magical.  You grow up little by little and you should have been affording her additional responsibilities and privileges throughout her childhood.  Even when she moves out, I suspect the relationship won't immediately change to two adults on equal footing.  You will still be a mentor and guiding force.  It will just diminish over time.  

This. I also want to add that they need to be aware that the consequences are different for them at age 18. Thing 1 is turning 18 in February. We have had the talk about how not much is changing and the consequences of her actions are going to change. I also told her that if she does something stupid and gets herself thrown in jail, not to expect me to come get her. Save the one phone call she gets for someone else.

[justme]

My parents pretty much had a my house my rule stance even when I moved back home for 9 months at the age of 22.

Though at least they changed it to if you're not home by 11 don't come home at all. They still punished me for not keeping my room clean though.

[Shooby]

Legal adult doesn't mean all the sudden that your teen gets to do anything they please. If I am subsidizing YOUR life, then, no you are not entitled to all the privileges of fully, self sufficient adult. If you wish to come and go as you please, then move out, pay your own bills, and have at it. While I am subsizing you, there are rules you will follow as long as you are riding the Gravy Train.

[alabamagal]

I didn't really make any changes in the way they are treated. One turned 18 in high school, one summer after high school and the last one in his first month in college.

About the only things you can do at 18 is buy cigarettes and cold medicine. And vote.

My middle child actually voted in an election on his 18th birthday

[suesinfl]

Jul 26, 2015 9:28:31 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Jul 26, 2015 9:01:06 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

I was 18 when I was a senior, and it was "my house, my rules" by my parents until I left.  The rules were the same as when I was 17.

I don't see a good reason to suddenly make everything different on the day someone turns 18.  Birthdays are not magical.  You grow up little by little and you should have been affording her additional responsibilities and privileges throughout her childhood.  Even when she moves out, I suspect the relationship won't immediately change to two adults on equal footing.  You will still be a mentor and guiding force.  It will just diminish over time.  

This. I also want to add that they need to be aware that the consequences are different for them at age 18. Thing 1 is turning 18 in February. We have had the talk about how not much is changing and the consequences of her actions are going to change. I also told her that if she does something stupid and gets herself thrown in jail, not to expect me to come get her. Save the one phone call she gets for someone else.

This, this, and this. I’m wanting to make sure that she fully understands that she is responsible for her actions and I don’t think that will be a problem. I’m just looking for support on the best way to handle things if they do turn south, so to speak. She’s good about saving money for her “wants”, but I don’t know how she will do with the “needs”. I ‘m scared that she will be shell shocked when does eventually fly.

I’ve discussed with her about the things we can control (electric, water, groceries, etc.), but I’m not sure how to get her to see the whole picture. Rent for an apartment, vehicle repairs, etc.

 I don’t know, I’m just rambling and thinking out loud.
I graduated at 17, turned 18 in December and married in January, so I have no experience of being on my own at such an early age. It was not until about 10 years later that I was on my own.

[mmhmm]

What you might try, suesinfl, is coming up with an imaginary job with a realistic starting salary for DD. Then, the two of you could sit down and work out a budget for that salary. You could play with different possibilities:  major car repairs required, illness, job loss, rent increase, traffic ticket, etc. That would create the opportunity for lots of possible scenarios to be discussed. It might also be kinda fun coming up with "emergencies." 

[vonna]

My son was scheduled for an MRI on his 18th birthday. I went with him, and told him that since he was 18 he had the choice as to whether I would have access to the results.  He was surprised initially, but liked the sense of independence -- he has always signed over medical access to me, but I think he liked having yet another step towards independence.

As far as home rules -- he turned 18 a week after he graduated from high school. That summer, the rules didn't really change.  No curfew set, but the courtesy of letting us know if he wasn't going to be home for the night. My DH and I also made our home a welcome gathering place for him and his friends -- no alcohol/drugs -- but a place they could all hang out. Teenage kids need places to hang out, I think it keeps them from getting into trouble sometimes.

By now, it is summer between Sophomore and Junior year.  Still no curfew, but he is courteous and always lets me know (usually via text) if he is going to be out all night, or home really late, or if any of his friends will be staying the night.

And, a lot of his friends still hang out here. But we like that!

[alabamagal]

Oh yeah the Hippa stuff becomes a PITA once they are 18. They are still on my insurance but I can't get any information on their bills unless they sign a paper.

One time my daughter was driving home from college and asked me to check what time her dr appt was. I called and they wouldn't tell me! So I called back got a different person and just said I was DD.

[marvholly]

My 'kids' are now 36 & 40. We made it VERY clear before & after they turned 18 that as long as they lived with us & we paid the bills we made the rules (he who pays the piper calls the tune).  At 18 & in college we were open to a bit of discussion.

[Deleted]

This is how it was when I turned 18... and how I'd have it as well (if I could get The Wife to agree).


After 18... 
Two sets of possible rules: "If still in school (including counting "summer break")" and "If not in school (not counting "summer break")"



If still in school (including counting "summer break")

> No more curfew
> No rent
> No "bed time"
> Still has "chores" to help with upkeep of the home
> Bad grades still elicits some form of punishment (no wi-fi access, maybe... no use of the car, maybe... something age appropriate)
> No longer bound by "can't date" restrictions... including S/O staying over. (S/O stay-over may be revoked as "bad grade" punishment though, if necessary)

If not in school (not counting "summer break")

> Reasonable rent required (after short "grace period" after graduation... no "grace period" if out of school due to dropping out)
> No more curfew
> No "bed time"
> Still has "chores" to help with upkeep of the home
> No longer bound by "can't date" restrictions... including S/O staying over
> If rent not paid, new adult gets locked-out/evicted.

And yes... I was locked out/evicted. Best thing my Father ever did for/to me too. Taught me a hell of a lesson that life isn't free, adults have to pay their way. No one is going to give you things, you have to work for them.

[suesinfl]

Thanks all. I don't see the "rules" changing since we are not having any problems with boundaries. My biggest fear is legal and medical. I've already had an issue with trying to scheduling a couple of medical appts; I had to explain to them that she was not yet 18, so yes I could schedule her appointments. She's on my medical, vehicle insurance and the truck is in my name.

[swamp]

Jul 26, 2015 9:01:06 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

I was 18 when I was a senior, and it was "my house, my rules" by my parents until I left.  The rules were the same as when I was 17.

I don't see a good reason to suddenly make everything different on the day someone turns 18.  Birthdays are not magical.  You grow up little by little and you should have been affording her additional responsibilities and privileges throughout her childhood.  Even when she moves out, I suspect the relationship won't immediately change to two adults on equal footing.  You will still be a mentor and guiding force.  It will just diminish over time.  

And when I came back home to live during summers, it was still "my house, my rules."  Not that they were stupidly restrictive or anything, but it certainly wasn't the same as living at college.

[bean29]

I was able to schedule my DD who is 18 for surgery after she was 18, but they wanted her to visit her GP and have PB etc done to certify she was healthy enough for anesthesia. I gave her the ins. info and told her to schedule the appt. HIPPA is kind of a PITA, but it gives us the opportunity to guide our kids to independence. I agree that it is nonsensical that they can be on your insurance, but you not entitled to info - and I actually have a bigger problem with no access to DH's info than to DD's.

I still push my DD to be home by 11 pm or Midnight weekdays and I usually text back and forth with her on weekends to see when she will be in...I don't like to go to bed if my kids are not home.  I have given up on DS (21) - he has a friend who has his own house so he sleeps there quite often...so I will ask if he is coming home and if he says no, I just don't think about it any more.

They do have to become full fledged independent adults at some point, so I force myself to give them more freedom and independence.  Sometimes I am very proud of them, and sometimes I feel like I am talking to myself.

[kittensaver]

It's HIPAA, people - - - HIPAA.

[kittensaver]

I both lived under - and enforced with my girls - a similar My House, My Rules situation. They knew (because we talked about it) that there nothing "magical" about turning 18. Turning 18 only meant that now if you got your backside in a sling, you would have to stand and face the consequences as an adult without intervention from me or DH.

So the same "you live in a family" rules applied EXCEPT their curfew was completely lifted. If they were going out, all we asked of them was as a courtesy, that they volunteer what their basic plan was and approximately when they expected to return - - so that we would not wonder or worry about them. We made it clear that they were telling us, not asking us for permission. And they always did it. I guess we were lucky .

ETA: both girls turned 18 AFTER they graduated from HS, so I had no issues there. I graduated from HS 3 months before I turned 18. My parents did not lift my curfew until after I graduated.

[suesinfl]

Jul 27, 2015 12:22:06 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

It's HIPAA, people - - - HIPAA.

Sorry, I really do know that, but I have become accustomed to seeing it written the other way, that I forget.

I think that part of my issue is if her attitude will change when she hits that magic number. I don't know what could change since she pretty much comes and goes, within reason, she has her own money plus what I provide, we have a very open relationship, so it should be fine.

I'm scared that I really cannot protect her (not sure from what), and if she screws up there may be nothing I can do. It also means that she's growing up and I'm just not ready for that. I felt the same way when she started driving and all the other milestones in life.

She's a good kid, a little flaky at times, but over all I know she will be fine.

[kittensaver]

Jul 27, 2015 12:56:06 GMT -5 suesinfl said:

Jul 27, 2015 12:22:06 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

It's HIPAA, people - - - HIPAA.

Sorry, I really do know that, but I have become accustomed to seeing it written the other way, that I forget.

I think that part of my issue is if her attitude will change when she hits that magic number. I don't know what could change since she pretty much comes and goes, within reason, she has her own money plus what I provide, we have a very open relationship, so it should be fine.

I'm scared that I really cannot protect her (not sure from what), and if she screws up there may be nothing I can do. It also means that she's growing up and I'm just not ready for that. I felt the same way when she started driving and all the other milestones in life.

She's a good kid, a little flaky at times, but over all I know she will be fine.

If you have raised her right, I don't think you need to worry about her attitude "suddenly" changing "just" because she turned 18. If you have a good relationship, you will continue to have a good relationship

Read again what you wrote (in the bold above). OF COURSE YMMV, but you know what I did? I sat each of them down and told them - in words of one syllable - exactly what you said above. We talked (well I talked; they listened and refrained pretty admirably from rolling their eyes) about the fact that I knew the world is a big and tempting place, and that soooo much can go wrong. We talked about the fact that while I knew there were a lot of things I hoped they would not experiment with (recreational drugs, bar hopping until you're blotto, casual hook-ups, other risky behaviors) I was smart enough to know that they probably would at some level. They both already had access to birth control (I gave written permission to the doctor when they were 15-16, and never checked up - it was a trust thing); We told them that if they ever drank too much they were to call us lecture-free for a ride home; If they ever found themselves in a dangerous or compromising situation they could call us ANY time lecture-free ride home. We figured it was better to have them alive and unhurt than harmed or dead because they were too scared to call us.

I'd smugly like to think that facing that frank, embarrassing conversation ("I don't want you to do this stuff but I know you probably will") snapped a little sense into their heads - but I don't really know. Sometimes we just have to breathe deeply as they pass through those milestones - and gain a new appreciation of what our parents went through! 

[thyme4change]

Jul 27, 2015 12:56:06 GMT -5 suesinfl said:

Jul 27, 2015 12:22:06 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

It's HIPAA, people - - - HIPAA.

Sorry, I really do know that, but I have become accustomed to seeing it written the other way, that I forget.

I think that part of my issue is if her attitude will change when she hits that magic number. I don't know what could change since she pretty much comes and goes, within reason, she has her own money plus what I provide, we have a very open relationship, so it should be fine.

I'm scared that I really cannot protect her (not sure from what), and if she screws up there may be nothing I can do. It also means that she's growing up and I'm just not ready for that. I felt the same way when she started driving and all the other milestones in life.

She's a good kid, a little flaky at times, but over all I know she will be fine.

Baby bird has got to fly.  Of course she is going to mess up.  That is called being human.  The best thing is having to fix it for yourself.  That is called being an adult.  

[marvholly]

Jul 27, 2015 8:18:36 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

I didn't turn 18 until the month I started college.  But for my friends that were 18 their senior year they by and large had the same rules they did at 17.   The one thing that always annoyed me was they were able to write notes to excuse themselves from school by themselves. 

I gave my both kids permission to call themselves out of school when they were seniors. However, they had to call me at work to let me know since often the school would call me to check.  I did leave for work WAAAY before they even woke up (5:30 am).

[wvugurl26]

By the time I was a senior, I had to write my own notes. Dad would sign if we remembered before he left for work. My parents always typed them with computer and printed. If I was out they already knew due to the robocalls. Although actually my senior year all three of us were at the high school first period so they only knew one of us was missing.

[toomuchreality]