What constitutes a "Good Person"?

[muttleynfelix]

Just what the question says.  What is a good person in your book?  I keep hearing how my late BIL was a "good person" and I disagree.  He had his good qualities, but he was not a good person in my book.  Then the kicker this morning was when someone posted "just like his dad".  Oh Bull shit!  I may not have known my late FIL, but no F@#King way can you say my late BIL was like his dad.

In my book, a good person would not have done the following things that my late BIL did.  A good person would not have gone to a party 3 hours away while his father was dying.  Sorry, EVERYONE knew he was dying. Knew that cancer had finally won and there was no way to contact BIL #2 (this was in '81, so yeah, I'm going back a while).  A good person would SUPPORT his child.  I think my BIL had court ordered child support while she was a minor, but he didn't always have a job and when he didn't have a job he drank every bit of his money away.  A good person would not steal from his mother or brothers and pawn the items to get money for booze (true story, DH told me never to allow BIL #2 to be at our house unattended and the big reason why my MIL would not travel while he lived with her).  A good person calls his brother when his brother has major surgery or has a new baby in the family (just a phone call would have been nice, you shit).  A good person does not put their mother through the hell he did for the entire 51 years of his life.  Ok, I'll be generous, I only know what my DH tells me and he wasn't around for the first 2, so for 49 years, my BIL put his mother (and father when he was alive) through hell, with the drinking, the drugs, the falling off the face of the map, the suicide threats, the living on her living room floor for months at a time.  

I don't get it.  You can acknowledge his qualities without calling him a good person.  Everytime I see that phrase, especially coming from my SIL (DH's sister), I get pissed off.  She most recently did it on photo I had up on facebook from 3.5 years ago!!!  So she is like stalking my facebook photos trying to find pictures of her brother. 

She also posted about how much she missed her brother.  Ok, but I can count on one hand how many times you have seen him in the last 10 years.  I know you didn't call him. I know how many times in the last year that you made the choice to go visit your Aunt rather than make the trip to see all 3 of your brothers and mom.  Now you are bitching about missing him! You didn't even know him.  Not only that, but why not put some effort into connecting with your 2 living brothers. You know the men who really are good people. The men who are good fathers and good brothers and good sons.  

I obviously can't vent about this to DH. So, I'm doing it here.  I didn't even comment on the picture on facebook.  I am so angry this morning that someone would dare compare BIL #2 to DH's late father. I've been angry all morning about it. 

So, tell me, what makes a good person in your book?  What makes someone not a good person? 

[Ryan]

Oct 2, 2014 8:43:26 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

Just what the question says.  What is a good person in your book?  I keep hearing how my late BIL was a "good person" and I disagree.  He had his good qualities, but he was not a good person in my book.  Then the kicker this morning was when someone posted "just like his dad".  Oh Bull shit!  I may not have known my late FIL, but no F@#King way can you say my late BIL was like his dad.

In my book, a good person would not have done the following things that my late BIL did.  A good person would not have gone to a party 3 hours away while his father was dying.  Sorry, EVERYONE knew he was dying. Knew that cancer had finally won and there was no way to contact BIL #2 (this was in '81, so yeah, I'm going back a while).  A good person would SUPPORT his child.  I think my BIL had court ordered child support while she was a minor, but he didn't always have a job and when he didn't have a job he drank every bit of his money away.  A good person would not steal from his mother or brothers and pawn the items to get money for booze (true story, DH told me never to allow BIL #2 to be at our house unattended and the big reason why my MIL would not travel while he lived with her).  A good person calls his brother when his brother has major surgery or has a new baby in the family (just a phone call would have been nice, you shit).  A good person does not put their mother through the hell he did for the entire 51 years of his life.  Ok, I'll be generous, I only know what my DH tells me and he wasn't around for the first 2, so for 49 years, my BIL put his mother (and father when he was alive) through hell, with the drinking, the drugs, the falling off the face of the map, the suicide threats, the living on her living room floor for months at a time.  

I don't get it.  You can acknowledge his qualities without calling him a good person.  Everytime I see that phrase, especially coming from my SIL (DH's sister), I get pissed off.  She most recently did it on photo I had up on facebook from 3.5 years ago!!!  So she is like stalking my facebook photos trying to find pictures of her brother. 

She also posted about how much she missed her brother.  Ok, but I can count on one hand how many times you have seen him in the last 10 years.  I know you didn't call him. I know how many times in the last year that you made the choice to go visit your Aunt rather than make the trip to see all 3 of your brothers and mom.  Now you are bitching about missing him! You didn't even know him.  Not only that, but why not put some effort into connecting with your 2 living brothers. You know the men who really are good people. The men who are good fathers and good brothers and good sons.  

I obviously can't vent about this to DH. So, I'm doing it here.  I didn't even comment on the picture on facebook.  I am so angry this morning that someone would dare compare BIL #2 to DH's late father. I've been angry all morning about it. 

So, tell me, what makes a good person in your book?  What makes someone not a good person? 

Well there's that saying about spitting on someones grave.  People always fluff up the good stuff when people die, so I wouldn't really take offense to it.  

You know the person was a real bastard if they say something like "Yes, he was known for his temper, I'll give you that.  But he protected those around him!"

[thyme4change]

Well - first off - no one ever says anything negative about dead people - especially recently dead people.  I have said many times that the best part of dying is people like you so much more than they did in real life.

About the "just like his dad" thing - I'm sure you could pick out 3 or 4 things that are similar and then extrapolate that the whole person is the same.  People are dumb.  Nobody is "just like" anyone.

Was your brother-in-law a good person?  It sounds like he has his demons.  No one sets out to be a loser and an addict.  I'm with you that he could have been better - but he wasn't.  I suspect that he regretted a good many things in his life.  He probably already paid a price with his child, his mother and his brother.  Plus, booze is circular.  You drink to forget all the pain that booze has caused you.  

Let people say how great he was, bite your tongue, and take solace that whatever crappy things you have done in your life will be glossed over shortly after your death.  

[Deleted]

Well SIL knew him as a boy. You did not. She probably missed her brother for more years than he has been gone. But while he was here there was still a chance. I'm sure she also has guilt mixed in with the sorrow. 

People deal with loss in their own way. I try to let them. Sometimes I don't understand, but it's not my loss. 

[giramomma]

I think being a "good" person is in the eye of the beholder.

I'm fairly my parents don't think I'm a good person. Most other people think I am. 

By that token, while my parents were very well meaning and did some really good things, there were a fair amount of things that weren't so good. Their passing is not the appropriate time to air my family's dirty laundry.  And, even if I did, I'm not sure people would believe me, anyway, because of the good things, and how others perceived them.

Death does funny things to people. People don't sit down with themselves, to figure out, exactly what they are mourning. Are they mourning the loss of their fantasies? Their realities? Their own mortality vs the person who passed?

I'm sure I'll have more thoughts in a little bit. I have to concentrate on work..

[Deleted]

I have the same problem you're having. I like the truth, good, bad or ugly, I prefer the truth to a bunch of bs. Well I call it bs. Others see it as being nice or loving or something and think I am way too harsh. I've come to peace with it and mostly have no problem just letting it go now. In your SIL's fantasy she was close to her brother. I guess it gets her through the day to see the world that way. Personally I prefer to actually be close to people. Whatever. I don't live in their skin and don't have to. I like my way and my life better and that is really all that matters.

[Pants]

Mutt - people are grieving, everyone in their own way. I haven't seen my brother in 2 years or talked ot him on the phone more than like, twice, but if he died there would still be a Brother-shaped-hole in the world that wasn't there before. An outsider could point to all of the horrible shit he pulled over the years, but that doesn't make him any less my brother or my grief any less if he were to die.

People say things after people die just to say things. Many times these things are not true, or are at the very least very favorable interpretations of events. You have many valid reasons to be angry, but you are right that venting those feelings to his family is not going to help anyone. Right now, the fact that it's your DH's brother and not yours puts you firmly in the role of DH-supporter. Please feel free to vent here.

[muttleynfelix]

Oct 2, 2014 9:07:25 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

I have the same problem you're having. I like the truth, good, bad or ugly, I prefer the truth to a bunch of bs. Well I call it bs. Others see it as being nice or loving or something and think I am way too harsh. I've come to peace with it and mostly have no problem just letting it go now. In your SIL's fantasy she was close to her brother. I guess it gets her through the day to see the world that way. Personally I prefer to actually be close to people. Whatever. I don't live in their skin and don't have to. I like my way and my life better and that is really all that matters.

I don't mind talking about his good qualities. But people keep using the phrase good person and it bugs me.  Obviously, I don't say it in front of family members or people in real life.  This is just my thoughts on the whoel things, but it just builds up in me and I just want to scream.   So, I'm on here instead. 

If you have so few pictures of your brother that you have to resort to going through your SIL's (who was not married to your brother) Facebook page for pictures, maybe you weren't as close as you thought you were.  

[Phoenix84]

It's not really possible to give a hard and fast "definition" like there's some hard and fast threshold when you go from "not a good person" to a "good person."

Unfortunately, life is a lot more grey than that. A person can do bad things for good reasons, or good things for bad reasons. A otherwise good person can do bad things, and everyone makes mistakes.

A lot of people we may think of as "good" may not be because we don't know all the nitty gritty details of their lives. How many people do we really know well enough to make such a sweeping statement?

I don't really have an answer, but I agree that a good person does not exhibit the behavior described by the OP.

I think the topic of this thread is more about how ridiculous sometimes people act after someone passes. Someone can be a right bastard but when they die everyone suddenly acts like they died at the corner of sainthood and perfection. I can understand why people don't want to go around disparaging the dead, but I have to agree with the OP, sometimes it seems like there's mass delusion going on.

[gooddecisions]

My sister struggles with a lot of issues, too. She's lost her whole family. I miss her dearly, but she is alive. It would be odd to post about how much I miss her, so I don't. But, I suspect I would if she died and take comfort in the nice words from others who might have known her during the better years and even from people who didn't know her but do know the pain of losing a loved one. It would make me happy if anyone remembered her as being a good person. If there were pictures to stalk, I would be stalking them.

[andreawick]

As it is written, there is none righteous, no, not one.

[Phoenix84]

I think many times people live the "idea" of a person than the actual person. They love what the relationship COULD BE not what it actually is.

That may be the case with your SIL. She perhaps misses more the opportunity to see her brother exorcise his daemons. Now he never will. And I'm sure he wasn't always like he was for most of his adult life. She knew him when he was a kid and probably had so much potential. In a way, she's probably mourning what he could have been.

[swasat]

Feel freee to vent here

You have absolute right to pissed off. That kind of BS gets to me too.

I'd still give a bit of benefit of doubt to your SIL. Sometimes we take other people in our life for granted. Even if we don't talk to them, or are upset with them, we still know in our hearts that THEY EXIST, THEY ARE ALIVE. And then one day suddenly, like in case of your BIL, that person is gone. Gone without a forewarning, gone without a chance to mend the relationship, gone with only the memories left behind. The sudden death causes the most grief.

I lost my mother very suddeny. I spoke to her one day and three days later I get a call she is dead. Even though I had a great relationship with her, I still grieved over all the fights we had in so many years, all the things that remained unresolved, all the what ifs and could have beens.

Maybe your SIL is mourning the chance that she never got with her brother. Let her be, IMHO. Its too soon after his death. She might just be trying to relive her childhood memories and grasping at everything to ease her pain.

But I whole heartedly agree that she ought to be putting more effort in keeping in contact with her remaining brothers.

[giramomma]

Oct 2, 2014 9:19:27 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

It's not really possible to give a hard and fast "definition" like there's some hard and fast threshold when you go from "not a good person" to a "good person."

Unfortunately, life is a lot more grey than that. A person can do bad things for good reasons, or good things for bad reasons. A otherwise good person can do bad things, and everyone makes mistakes.

I don't know that life is all that grey.

I think there could be some categorically "bad" behaviors. Clearly things like abuse and dysfunction come to mind. There is a difference between unintentionally harming someone and intentionally, repeatedly harming someone and not stopping. I think, we could all agree that repeatedly harming someone and not caring about the effects of that is a "bad" behavior.

Everyone makes mistakes. Sure, but not all mistakes are the same. My hurting my husbands feelings on accident is a little different that his withholding his addiction from me so that I could not make an informed decision about who I was going to marry.

My definition of being a "good" person includes the desire and actually fixing flaws to make oneself a better person.

[Deleted]

I find this topic fascinating.

After my husband's death, his sister who "loved him so much - he was her life" got a large tattoo and talked all about how much she loved him, etc....

Well, why not come see him in the TEN YEARS he was sick?  Not like they lived states away or anything...

Or, alternatively, there was always the phone option. Maybe if you called more than five times per decade....

I'll never understand it. Just like I will never understand people who criticize caregivers but refuse to do anything to help the situation.

[NastyWoman]

... and maybe SIL behavior isn't mourning at all, or just very little, considering some of the other things she has done (per previous posts) and she is just trolling for sympathy.  Reading about her makes me think that BIL was not the only person whom I would not describe as a "good person".

[zibazinski]

Went through the same thing at my mom's memorial. The family looked at each other and wondered who they were talking about. I'd hate to feel that my death was nothing more than a relief to people. But if my behavior warranted, so be it.

[muttleynfelix]

Oct 2, 2014 9:31:48 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Oct 2, 2014 9:19:27 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

It's not really possible to give a hard and fast "definition" like there's some hard and fast threshold when you go from "not a good person" to a "good person."

Unfortunately, life is a lot more grey than that. A person can do bad things for good reasons, or good things for bad reasons. A otherwise good person can do bad things, and everyone makes mistakes.

I don't know that life is all that grey.

I think there could be some categorically "bad" behaviors. Clearly things like abuse and dysfunction come to mind. There is a difference between unintentionally harming someone and intentionally, repeatedly harming someone and not stopping. I think, we could all agree that repeatedly harming someone and not caring about the effects of that is a "bad" behavior.

Everyone makes mistakes. Sure, but not all mistakes are the same. My hurting my husbands feelings on accident is a little different that his withholding his addiction from me so that I could not make an informed decision about who I was going to marry.

My definition of being a "good" person includes the desire and actually fixing flaws to make oneself a better person.

If BIL had died 2 years ago, before his last 2 falls off the wagon, I think I could have agreed that he was fixing his flaws and making himself a better person.  But the fall he took off the wagon right before our DD was born, that one hurt.  That was the one where he didn't see DD until she was 6 months old. He lived an hour away! He just fell out of the family for about 7 months.  Refused to acknowledge us.  When DD was 1 month old, DH had back surgery. I've posted on here before how hard the months after it were on us.  Add in that we weren't hearing from BIL and not sure how he was doing.  Making sure he wasn't dead that time.  Leading up to that,  he blew off Thanksgiving dinner (didn't even call to say he wasn't coming), he didn't come for Christmas, left HIS DD at the airport 3.5 hours away the day after Christmas, then ignored the family (meaning MIL, BIL #1, DH, myself and our kids) for 7 months and he wasn't even drinking the entire time.  In fact I think he was only drinking from Christmas until the middle of January.  When he finally "came back" to the family, he said, I'm not doing that again. But my trust in him was damaged severely.  It was coming back.  He was the reason my MIL finally got off some medication that was making her sick and she didn't tell anyone. That helped.  He helped MIL watch our kids for our anniversary last year and that helped.  But it was always, when is he going do it again.

He did help other people the last ~7 years or so. He was a very good drug and alcohol counselor and he did help people.  

[ZaireinHD]

Can you imagine going up to the podium and tel it like it is? Starting off saying:

I hear a lot of you saying the deceased was a good person! When this is hardly the case. He was not a good person over-all. He did so many horrible things to himself, his family, and friends. it is difficult how any of you can think he was a good person. how most of you intentionally didn't want to visit him, be around him, and would turn away when you knew he was going to be around. However I would like to say, though most of his qualities were bad and not much good, he and we are in a better place now that he is gone.



actually that is a funeral I would go to!
the drama!
whew!

[muttleynfelix]

Oct 2, 2014 9:51:04 GMT -5 ZaireinHD said:

Can you imagine going up to the podium and tel it like it is? Starting off saying:

I hear a lot of you saying the deceased was a good person! When this is hardly the case. He was not a good person over-all. He did so many horrible things to himself, his family, and friends. it is difficult how any of you can think he was a good person. how most of you intentionally didn't want to visit him, be around him, and would turn away when you knew he was going to be around. However I would like to say, though most of his qualities were bad and not much good, he and we are in a better place now that he is gone.



actually that is a funeral I would go to!
the drama!
whew!

This may have been why my DH, BIL #1, MIL and DN decided not to have a funeral or memorial service for BIL #2. 

[kittensaver]

This is a touchy subject in my extended family right now too. This person (a man in his early 60's) recently committed suicide. That is sad and tragic enough, but everyone is busy trying to hush it up - - putting multiple stories out there, drawn-out explanations of possible unknown medical conditions, creating doubt about what happened, etc. And they (his mother and siblings) are painting him on FB and in church to be some kind of saint. He was a mean, verbally abusive alcoholic - for years. And the behavior only continued to ramp up in the last 5 years of so - - so much that his eldest daughter left home at 17 and moved in with her boyfriend (and of course instead of acknowledging what was actually going on, everyone painted her as a wayward/defiant child). His immediate family (wife and kids) are sad but not-so-strangely relieved as well - - but they aren't allowed to say so. The whole thing is pretty demented and sad. But whatever, people just do what they do. Even if they feel they have to lie to protect some kind of virtuous family image they have of themselves.

[muttleynfelix]

Oct 2, 2014 9:44:09 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

... and maybe SIL behavior isn't mourning at all, or just very little, considering some of the other things she has done (per previous posts) and she is just trolling for sympathy.  Reading about her makes me think that BIL was not the only person whom I would not describe as a "good person".

Yeah, I'm really struggling with her behavior through all of this.  She was spoiled as the only girl in a family with 3 boys.  She was (is) use to be being the center of attention.  She posted stuff on facebook that went into way too much detail of what was happening while BIL #2 was on life support.  She could have posted things asking for support without saying what she was saying.  

[Nazgul Girl]

Oct 2, 2014 9:47:02 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Went through the same thing at my mom's memorial. The family looked at each other and wondered who they were talking about. I'd hate to feel that my death was nothing more than a relief to people. But if my behavior warranted, so be it.

   

[giramomma]

Oct 2, 2014 9:39:45 GMT -5 @workingshasta said:

I'll never understand it. Just like I will never understand people who criticize caregivers but refuse to do anything to help the situation.

Sometimes, you cannot do anything to help the situation. 

My dad has health issues.  I am not allowed to see him. I am not allowed to talk to him.

This can be taken two ways. It will be very, very easy for my folks to say "Gira didn't care for us. She never came to visit. Keeping in contact with her was VERY difficult.."

What will not be mentioned is that modes of contact were limited to only one that was most inconvenient for ME. This is also the mode of contact that my parents can be most abusive with.

Do you think my folks will tell others that they did not allow me to see my dad or that I was not allowed to talk to him? Do you think they will say we would only talk to Gira using one communication method, during a time that mostly we knew would not work for her. And oh, by the way, it's the one where we can chose to back her into a corner every time we'd like.

I can only do this: for so long. Then eventually, I have to stop. Because I'm only hurting myself when I do it.

[swasat]

Oct 2, 2014 10:03:04 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Oct 2, 2014 9:39:45 GMT -5 @workingshasta said:

I'll never understand it. Just like I will never understand people who criticize caregivers but refuse to do anything to help the situation.

Sometimes, you cannot do anything to help the situation. 

My dad has health issues.  I am not allowed to see him. I am not allowed to talk to him.

This can be taken two ways. It will be very, very easy for my folks to say "Gira didn't care for us. She never came to visit. Keeping in contact with her was VERY difficult.."

What will not be mentioned is that modes of contact were limited to only one that was most inconvenient for ME. This is also the mode of contact that my parents can be most abusive with.

Do you think my folks will tell others that they did not allow me to see my dad or that I was not allowed to talk to him? Do you think they will say we would only talk to Gira using one communication method, during a time that mostly we knew would not work for her. And oh, by the way, it's the one where we can chose to back her into a corner every time we'd like.

I can only do this: for so long. Then eventually, I have to stop. Because I'm only hurting myself when I do it.

giramomma, really? I am vaguely aware that you have limited contact with your parents. But do they really not bend even a bit for their only child?

I am amazed how stubborn people can be with false pride. What are they going to take away from this world if they are refusing contact with their only child and grandchildren.  

[zibazinski]

I think we'd like to think family are good people because we're related to them. I'd like to pretend my mom was the mom I wished she'd been. I keep my mouth shut to DF because I'm sure it'd make him uncomfortable as well as confused as to why I really don't give a damn that she's dead. She's been dead to me for decades. I just went through the motions to keep the peace. Now I don't have to. My aunt, her sister, has said some stuff to DF and I need to ask her to please stop. Bringing up how cruel, neglectful, selfish, self centered she was isnt necessary anymore and frankly, if you didn't call her out on it to her face, why bring it up now? Just keep mouth shut. I do. Except on this forum.

[Phoenix84]

Muttleyinfelix,

If I can be honest, I am having a little trouble seeing why you're taking all this so personally.

From what you said, BIL's biggest crime against you and your DH personally was just being unthoughtful during a difficult time and cutting off contact with the family for 7 months.

Maybe my perceptions are colored as someone who usually only sees my sister a once a year or so, but if that's the worst crime he's committed against you, I'd cut the guy some slack. Yeah, it was thoughtless and yeah, he certainly wasn't winning any brother of the year awards, but I can think of far worse dysfunctional behavior than that. It's not like he was actively making your life a living hell.

And yes, it's true he was not a great father or provider to his child. And it sounds like he put MIL through hell as well, but again, I don't see how that is directly your problem, and thus, why your emotions are so personal.

And I wouldn't hold BIL accountable for SIL's actions. That's on her.

I don't really mean any of this malicious or offensive, but I'm just having some trouble understanding why you're so angry over this. I can see why you aren't part of the BIL fan club, but not why you're expending so much emotional energy over this.

[Tiny]

As has been noted - generally no one says anything bad about the dead - whether it happened recently or was years and years ago. The thing with people's reactions to the death of 'loved ones' they maybe weren't particularly close to (or maybe didn't like or had some issue with) is that they are bombarded with questions or 'expressions' of symthpathy that are difficult to navigate without making themselves look bad - so they fall back on the cliches and scripts that people expect.

I didn't have a particularly good relationship with my mom it was outwardly hostile but I think we were two people who didn't really like each other but could be polite to one another. So, when people were offering me 'sympathy' it often came with some words about how much I would miss the closeness my mother and I had - with the implication that mother/child relationships are always of the "Hallmark Hall of Fame" quality. Deep down inside I was like: "Why would I miss a closeness I never had? not to mention I'd long since learned to NEVER tell my mother anything more than general stuff because she'd use the info against me. I'd never ask for advice - because she'd see it as meaning I was weak or stupid or a dissappointment"
On the outside I would mumble something about that "Yes, I would miss her". I couldn't bring myself to go all out with the mourning drama of someone who has lost a part of their 'soul' and mourn a mother I never had... but what would people think if I 'bad mouthed her' during a time of grief? The woman I knew as my mother probably wasn't the person other people remembered. Everyone has different kinds of relationships with people. People change over time, too.


On the Other Hand, I think at some level of consciousness people know they can re-write their past. Once someone dies, you can 're write' parts of your memories and make them better. Basically, if you keep saying the past was great - it becomes great. You then make your behaviour/re-actions appropriate to the new 'memories'. You know - how the Good Old Days were so gloriously wonderful the futher the 'old days' get into the past? Same thing happens with relationships if you work at it.

[muttleynfelix]

Oct 2, 2014 11:01:49 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

Muttleyinfelix,

If I can be honest, I am having a little trouble seeing why you're taking all this so personally.

From what you said, BIL's biggest crime against you and your DH personally was just being unthoughtful during a difficult time and cutting off contact with the family for 7 months.

Maybe my perceptions are colored as someone who usually only sees my sister a once a year or so, but if that's the worst crime he's committed against you, I'd cut the guy some slack. Yeah, it was thoughtless and yeah, he certainly wasn't winning any brother of the year awards, but I can think of far worse dysfunctional behavior than that. It's not like he was actively making your life a living hell.

And yes, it's true he was not a great father or provider to his child. And it sounds like he put MIL through hell as well, but again, I don't see how that is directly your problem, and thus, why your emotions are so personal.

And I wouldn't hold BIL accountable for SIL's actions. That's on her.

I don't really mean any of this malicious or offensive, but I'm just having some trouble understanding why you're so angry over this. I can see why you aren't part of the BIL fan club, but not why you're expending so much emotional energy over this.

It is called grief.  It is the fact I think it is a wasted life. It is the fact I was pretty much isolated with my kids while the rest of the family was grieving/going through his stuff. My entire job during that week was making sure my husband had the time and means to do what he needed to do.  Me on the other hand, yeah I know he is gone, but the grieving process is very different because he fucking drank himself to death and I'm pissed as hell about it.  It is a fucking waste.  When your job is to hold it together for everyone else and the death doesn't seem real - because really I didn't see him drunk that week or life support, I was with my kids because that is where DH wanted me to  be.  I didn't go with DH, BIL, MIL, and DN to see him at the morgue before cremation. I was involved in none of that.  So, my view on all of this has been anger.  Maybe it is self righteous anger about what he has done to people that I love and care for.   But that is how I feel.  I'm still just pissed as hell. I wish my SIL would stop commenting on 4 year old pictures about her dead brother and try connecting and acting like a sister to the brothers she has that are still living.   Instead she doesn't give a fuck about my husband and it pisses me off.  My husband who never did any of the shit his brother did and she acts like he is dirt beneath her feet.  So, yeah I'm mad about the whole fucking thing.  I don't see my brother and sister that often either, but I would never make the choice to go see an aunt twice in one year when I hadn't seen my siblings and parents in over a year (assuming money for the trip is the same, which it was for my SIL).   So, yeah I'm mad at her and I'm mad at my BIL for drinking himself to death. I'm mad for being left out of the whole process.  I'm mad that I have spent pretty much zero time with my husband since September 1st because he is always going over to his mom's house and brother's house to be with them.  I'm mad because I have no outlet with anyone in real life.  

[drivingaround]

Eeek, if not seeing family constitutes not being a "good person" than people will definitely be lying at my funeral.  That is if they show up!  Although with free food people will show.  

Maybe the family is saying he's a good person because they're remembering the times he was?  It is difficult when people have addictions and mental illness and they die.  You struggle with the what ifs, the whys, and yeah, in some ways you want to remember the good parts of that person and not the struggles or challenges.  Who in their right mind would say "So happy BIL died, he was difficult and inconsiderate."  That would serve zero purpose and be hurtful to others.  

I concur, vent on here all you want.  Better than keeping it in.