Long distance marriage possibility - feedback appreciated

[Firebird]

This is a weird situation and I'm not sure it's going to happen but if it does, it'll happen fast so I'd like to form a plan and be prepared just in case.

DH and I have been wanting to leave California for a long time now and we've pretty much decided that we want to move to Washington.  DH has an opportunity to take a position in Seattle pretty much immediately - I don't know the details yet but it's the same title he has now and he should make a similar salary. 

I need to stay in California until June to finish a contract position.  Obviously the IDEAL thing would be to wait until my contract is up, at which point we both try to get jobs in Washington but jobs like the one he's being offered now (in exactly the right location) don't come up that often so we may not have that luxury.  My feeling is that it would be best for him to make the jump now and spend the remaining months of my contract finding a place for us to live. 

Here's my basic thought on how it *could* go:

-Assuming my landlord will release us from our lease (I think he will) and assuming my parents are willing (I think they will be), Babybird and I move in with them temporarily. 

-DH moves in with his sister or other family/friends in the Seattle area (we have lots). 

-Babybird alternates weeks - one with me, one with DH (like joint custody).  We see each other and spend time together as a family on weekends.  This is financially possible because neither of us are paying rent.  We should actually save money. 

Obviously there will be a lot more to it than that (and it doesn't sound like my idea of fun) but I think this could end up being the best decision for our family.  By the time June rolled around, DH would have (hopefully) found a nice place for us to live and I can find a job in the area. 

So, thoughts?  (shanendoah, you know I'm looking at you buddy.)

[Deleted]

What would he do for daycare there?  His sister's family?

[yogiii]

I think you should just keep babybird with you and she can see DH on weekends.  Bouncing around week to week would be hard on a young kid.

[The Captain]

Babybird will be horribly confused by what is going on.  Any chance one parent could suck it up and let the other have babybird full time during the week to ease the disruption to her life?

Just my thoughts.  DH had to spend several weeks (not months, I know) in Vegas a few months after DD was born. I forgot how old babybird is, but kids don't remember much before they're 5.

We were fine.

[muttleynfelix]

I wouldn't alternate weeks with babybird.  

How far is it from SF to Seattle? Are you actually going to be able to see each other every weekend?  

[MJ2.0]

Aug 26, 2014 10:48:26 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Babybird will be horribly confused by what is going on.  Any chance one parent could suck it up and let the other have babybird full time during the week to ease the disruption to her life?

Just my thoughts.  DH had to spend several weeks (not months, I know) in Vegas a few months after DD was born. I forgot how old babybird is, but kids don't remember much before they're 5.

We were fine.

if they don't remember much before they're five, then doing the alternating week thing shouldn't be an issue.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I think that would be awfully disruptive for Babybird. Children thrive on routine and being bounced back and forth weekly would be awfully confusing. What would your husband do for daycare while he works?

I think it'd be better for her to stay with you and continue with your current routine. Have DH Skype/call during the week and you can drive up there on weekends to see him in person (or he drives to you).

It'll be enough of a disruption to have daddy be gone. I wouldn't add more to it by bouncing back and forth from house to house when this is only going to be a temporary separation.

[muttleynfelix]

Aug 26, 2014 10:51:45 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Aug 26, 2014 10:48:26 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Babybird will be horribly confused by what is going on.  Any chance one parent could suck it up and let the other have babybird full time during the week to ease the disruption to her life?

Just my thoughts.  DH had to spend several weeks (not months, I know) in Vegas a few months after DD was born. I forgot how old babybird is, but kids don't remember much before they're 5.

We were fine.

if they don't remember much before they're five, then doing the alternating week thing shouldn't be an issue.

The lack of stability will be more of a subconcious thing. Plus there is the everyday realities of settling in a young kid every week.  Maybe not eating well or sleeping well.  Behavior problems. 

[Deleted]

I wouldn't alternate either.  Real little kids do better with consistency in their schedules.  Switching up bedrooms, caregivers, and all that every week...eh.  I know my youngest wouldn't do well with it. 

[Firebird]

What would he do for daycare there? His sister's family?

Most likely.  His sister has offered before.

I think you should just keep babybird with you and she can see DH on weekends. Bouncing around week to week would be hard on a young kid.

If she were in school or even a little bit older, I would agree.  But I think structure is key for toddlers, not necessarily being in the same place.  If her "new normal" was one week with Mommy/Nana/usual daycare, flight to Daddy, one week with her auntie and cousins, rinse and repeat, I imagine she could get used to that.  We'd have to see how it went, of course.  If she seemed to be suffering from the stress we'd have to make a change. 

But either way she'd have to get used to the frequent flights because there's no way she can just not see her dad for nine months.  Though I suppose he could fly to us if we were doing it that way.

Babybird will be horribly confused by what is going on. Any chance one parent could suck it up and let the other have babybird full time during the week to ease the disruption to her life?

It's not so much the "disruption" of having her full time (though that is part of it, especially if we're living with my parents) - I just don't want her to go nearly a full year seeing one of her parents only on weekends.  She won't even remember this later. 

How far is it from SF to Seattle? Are you actually going to be able to see each other every weekend?

Two hour flight, and a very common route so tickets are usually very cheap.  We've gotten them for as low as $69.  I don't know that EVERY single weekend is realistic but our rent is $1,550/month.  That buys a lot of flights back and forth. 

[MJ2.0]

okay, I'm going to stay out of this conversation because it's hitting a little too close to home right now.

Firebird, you do what's best for your family.

[The Captain]

Aug 26, 2014 10:51:45 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Aug 26, 2014 10:48:26 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Babybird will be horribly confused by what is going on.  Any chance one parent could suck it up and let the other have babybird full time during the week to ease the disruption to her life?

Just my thoughts.  DH had to spend several weeks (not months, I know) in Vegas a few months after DD was born. I forgot how old babybird is, but kids don't remember much before they're 5.

We were fine.

if they don't remember much before they're five, then doing the alternating week thing shouldn't be an issue.

There's a difference between experiencing the disruption and remembering it.  Even if the kid isn't likely to remember something bad, why would you want to put them through it?

I know I wouldn't.

[Deleted]

Aug 26, 2014 10:55:53 GMT -5 Firebird said:

It's not so much the "disruption" of having her full time (though that is part of it, especially if we're living with my parents) - I just don't want her to go nearly a full year seeing one of her parents only on weekends.  She won't even remember this later. 

Exactly.  She won't remember NOT seeing him every week either.  My son didn't see his Dad for nearly that long.  The circumstances were a little different of course, but he didn't see him AT ALL.  No phone calls, no Skype, no nothing.  He was only 30 miles away, but I refused to take my son to the county jail to visit.  Well, you'd never know it today.  They were reunited in March and he thinks his Dad hung the moon. 

[muttleynfelix]

But I think structure is key for toddlers, not necessarily being in the same place. If her "new normal" was one week with Mommy/Nana/usual daycare, flight to Daddy, one week with her auntie and cousins, rinse and repeat, I imagine she could get used to that. We'd have to see how it went, of course. If she seemed to be suffering from the stress we'd have to make a change.

Toddlers memories are so short that a week of this and week of that is not a routine that toddlers can recognize.  She's not going to remember this week is mommy's week last week was daddy's week. 

[Sam_2.0]

Are you for sure in your contract until June? What would happen if you found a job sooner than that?

[ArchietheDragon]

How is the kid actually going to be transferred between houses?  car, plane, transporter beam?

[greeniis10]

Aug 26, 2014 11:02:15 GMT -5 @patstab said:

Keep the kid with you, don't bounce her around, not good for her little psychi. Also be prepared that over that time period its to

burdensome to travel back and forth, we tried that between Dallas and Houston, got to where we did once a month till we got back

in the same place.

Why can't you leave, termination fine or something? Generally if both are relocating landlords will let you out of your lease. Be wise and

don't tell them just one of you is moving, doubt they would do that.

We have lived apart and together all our lives, have for the last 13 years. I guess most people find that hard but we are both hard

working, independent people. But then my husband also calls me daily which helps. Get Skype its cheap and easy.

Don't miss opportunities IF they are truly opportunities. It will work out if you want it too.

Good point!  And I also agree with MPL that I honestly don't believe that BB only seeing her dad on the weekends (even if not every single one) for 9 months will not affect her negatively long-term.

[Firebird]

Okay, you guys have convinced me bouncing back and forth is not a good idea.  I'll keep Babybird with me full-time and DH can fly to see us on weekends, if we do this.  Of course I don't want to traumatize her by yanking her back and forth. 

If we do it that way, I need to keep our apartment.  But I think we can still swing the frequent flights, we just won't save as much. 

More responses in a minute but didn't want to needlessly continue debating whether this part is a good idea

[Bonny]

Firebird,

What kind of job do you have? What's the pay?

Have you checked out housing costs in Seattle? I think they are very similar to the SF Bay Area.

If you have to stay until June I'd plan on monthly visits vs weekly. And even that going to be expensive.

[busymom]

I'd have daddy make the flights down to visit. Flying can be difficult for little people.

[Deleted]

Aug 26, 2014 11:16:17 GMT -5 busymom said:

I'd have daddy make the flights down to visit. Flying can be difficult for little people.

And for the big people around them. 

[muttleynfelix]

What kind of schedule would you each work?  Could you do 4-10s?  When my SIL was finishing school, my brother would do 3-12s and a half day one week, drive up to my SIL, spend a long weekend, drive home and work 4-10s the following week.  Now it was only a semester, but it was a 500 mile drive (with only a teeny-tiny airport nearby, basically impossible to fly in and out of, nearest major airport was 4 hours away). My brother would also group his vacation so that he took it to spend time up there.  My SIL didn't have a car so that made things a little more difficult for them. She could walk to school and a few places downtown, but she really relied on my brother to take her grocery shopping on the weekends.

[emma1420]

Aug 26, 2014 10:55:53 GMT -5 Firebird said:

I think you should just keep babybird with you and she can see DH on weekends. Bouncing around week to week would be hard on a young kid.

If she were in school or even a little bit older, I would agree.  But I think structure is key for toddlers, not necessarily being in the same place.  If her "new normal" was one week with Mommy/Nana/usual daycare, flight to Daddy, one week with her auntie and cousins, rinse and repeat, I imagine she could get used to that.  We'd have to see how it went, of course.  If she seemed to be suffering from the stress we'd have to make a change. 

But either way she'd have to get used to the frequent flights because there's no way she can just not see her dad for nine months.  Though I suppose he could fly to us if we were doing it that way.

I am assuming either you or your husband would be flying every weekend to either San Fran or Seattle, and then which ever parent gets her that week would take her home?  

In general, I tend to lean towards it being too disruptive to her.  Just as she gets settled in she's being taken away. And as much as you and your husband try to keep her routine consistent, I think it's unlikely that it will be consistent across households and caregivers.

Have you looked into if you can get out of your contract early?   What are the consequences if you leave before June?   is there an opportunity to potentially leave earlier than June, but not right now?  So that even if you are living apart it's for a shorter time?

[whoisjohngalt]

My husband worked out of state for 2 yrs and I stayed home with 3 kids under 3.5. 

Obviously, I didn't love it, but it's doable.

What made it a "bit" harder that I didn't know a single person within 400 mile radius.

[Firebird]

Why can't you leave, termination fine or something?

I *could* leave but a) my current position is a great career opportunity for me, and b) I bring home about two-thirds of our income.  Realistically we can't afford to just up and move and I wouldn't want to do that anyway.  I finally like my job (it's what I've been wanting to do for years) and it could lead to a super rocking career.  I need the rest of my contract to lay a foundation for Washington jobs next year.   

Generally if both are relocating landlords will let you out of your lease. Be wise and don't tell them just one of you is moving, doubt they would do that.

Our landlord actually wants us to leave so I don't think he'll have a problem releasing us from the lease early.  And as I said, we wouldn't be doing that anyway if Babybird and I were staying here full time.

What kind of job do you have? What's the pay?

I'm a project manager.  Currently I'm making $42/hour.

Have you checked out housing costs in Seattle? I think they are very similar to the SF Bay Area.

We don't actually want to live in Seattle, we're thinking the outlying areas which are cheaper.  And I'm holding out a candle of hope that I won't have to commute to Seattle   I recently ditched my commute to SF and life has been like 100x easier. 

[Firebird]

What kind of schedule would you each work? Could you do 4-10s? When my SIL was finishing school, my brother would do 3-12s and a half day one week, drive up to my SIL, spend a long weekend, drive home and work 4-10s the following week.

I *might* be able to work remotely one day a week.  But that won't do us any good if DH is going to be the one flying to us, and his schedule right now doesn't allow him to do that so I'm sure it wouldn't be any different in Seattle. 

I wouldn't even ask to work remotely one day a week unless it was vital for some reason.  It could hurt my reputation. 

[emma1420]

Aug 26, 2014 11:27:35 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Why can't you leave, termination fine or something?

I *could* leave but a) my current position is a great career opportunity for me, and b) I bring home about two-thirds of our income.  Realistically we can't afford to just up and move and I wouldn't want to do that anyway.  I finally like my job and it could lead to a super rocking career.  I need the rest of my contract to lay a foundation for Washington jobs next year.   

Generally if both are relocating landlords will let you out of your lease. Be wise and don't tell them just one of you is moving, doubt they would do that.

Our landlord actually wants us to leave so I don't think he'll have a problem releasing us from the lease early.  And as I said, we wouldn't be doing that anyway if Babybird and I were staying here full time.

What kind of job do you have? What's the pay?

I'm a project manager.  Currently I'm making $42/hour.

Have you checked out housing costs in Seattle? I think they are very similar to the SF Bay Area.

We don't actually want to live in Seattle, we're thinking the outlying areas which are cheaper.  And I'm holding out a candle of hope that I won't have to commute to Seattle   I recently ditched my commute to SF and life has been like 100x easier. 

Do you know if there are lots of job opportunities for you in Washington?  Have you started applying?   It could be that you find something even better for your career there.

[billisonboard]

Our troops on deployment comes to mind as I read this thread. 

[Firebird]

Do you know if there are lots of job opportunities for you in Washington? Have you started applying? It could be that you find something even better for your career there.

I haven't started looking yet, no.  Mentally I've been putting us in Washington next year so it doesn't matter right now. 

I guess I can take a look tonight.  I just really don't want to leave this job (and I think it's very unlikely I'll get hired as a PM anywhere else with barely 3 months of experience in this job... a year's experience makes that much more plausible). 

[greeniis10]

Plan on using a LOT of Skype!  Be prepared - you working full-time all week, having BB full-time and then wanting to fly back-and-forth every weekend is exhausting!  Sounds good in theory, but probably won't happen as regularly as you'd like.  That still leaves you with packing, unpacking, groceries, laundry, etc.  Not trying to be negative - just realistic!