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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Oct 24, 2013 15:52:42 GMT -5
Maybe I'm wrong but I think your sister called you Mich because she knows her approach hasn't worked and she was hoping unconciously for you to help her. If she wasn't calling knowing her method didn't work then why specifically call the person she knows disagrees with her? As the parent of an 18 year old her having a baby scares the crap out of me! I think she was looking for validation for her opinion. She wasn't getting it from the principal.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Oct 24, 2013 15:54:32 GMT -5
Yes, she asked, but when people are upset, they really just want validation of some sort. You don't have to get so vested by fully airing your opinion. You do agree that it's inappropriate and you also agree that there could be repercussions if she escalates. Your opinion is given without upsetting the situation further. Yeah, maybe you didn't get to lay it all on her with how much you disagree with her lifestyle choices, which might have been liberating. But, sibling relationships are fragile and complicated, so...the less opinion given, the better.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 24, 2013 15:58:16 GMT -5
Good grief! Sis has already lost this battle. She just doesn't want to recognize it. There's nothing you can do to make her recognize it. She's got her head in the sand and she's determined to keep it there. Yep. That's my reading on it. My sister is all about control. I understand that because I am that way too. But after the last couple years, I realize that there are simply some things that you cannot control and no matter how much you kick and scream about it, the best thing you can do is damage control. I think that she needs to do some damage control. One of the things you find you can't control is other people. While I'll agree she needs to do some major damage control, she's not going to do it unless SHE decides to do it. Nothing you say will make the difference. First, she has to realize her approach hasn't worked. Doesn't sound like she's gotten that message. Doesn't even sound like she's open to that message.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Oct 24, 2013 16:02:41 GMT -5
I started asking people "Do you want me to be honest or do you want me to say what you want to hear because I need to know which answer to give".
LOL.....I've used this before and it got me in a world of shit!
My brother got his g/f pregnant on their first date. My idiot brother bought her comment "I can't get pregnant because my hips are too narrow" (ok, I called him an idiot!). He was still in college. So his g/f moved in with my folks too, had the baby there and my parents supported them until they could finish school, because my brother made peanuts.
When their son was less than a year old, his now wife got pregnant again. I was on my way to Greece and my brother had just gotten laid off (no longer living with our folks). I had a huge wad of cash and traveller's checks sitting on my dresser for my trip and felt guilty as hell as I was getting ready to blow enough money to support my brother, his wife and baby for a couple months. My brother's wife called me to tell me that she had miscarried and I didn't say anything. At this point, my sister, my parents and I were sending him money to live.
She asked me what I thought and I told her that she's not going to like my answer. She forced the issue and said that she'd be ok with it, regardless of whatever I said. So I said "This is fates way of giving you a helping hand and I think you need to take advantage of it. Since we are supporting you, we cannot afford to support another mouth and I think that this is giving you a chance to get your financial act together". Neither my SIL or brother talked to me for a year, my comments went over like a turd in a punch bowl (which I knew it would) but I had discussed this with the rest of my family and no one else would say anything....so I did.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 24, 2013 16:16:01 GMT -5
I've used the "If you don't like what I've said, please tell me what you'd like to hear" myself a time or two. I add, of course, I may decide not to bother to discuss it at all.
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Spellbound454
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"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
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Post by Spellbound454 on Oct 24, 2013 16:24:00 GMT -5
I don't think its you she needs to connect with....its her own daughter.
You can't lay down the law with a child who is nearly an adult....you'll just end up making them rebel as they are getting ready to fly the nest. All you can do is cut the umbilicus strand by strand and hope some of the values you have instilled enable them to make good choices.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Oct 24, 2013 16:29:29 GMT -5
I don't think its you she needs to connect with....its her own daughter. You can't lay down the law with a child who is nearly an adult....you'll just end up making them rebel as they are getting ready to fly the nest. All you can do is cut the umbilicus strand by strand and hope some of the values you have instilled enable them to make good choices. Where do you get the idea that I need to connect with my sister? I want to retain a relationship with one of my siblings without alienating her, despite not wholly agreeing with her. And sometimes, she makes it difficult to disagree with her without taking it personally.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2013 16:33:13 GMT -5
Cutting the Umbilicus, strand by strand... I'm using that one... (Wonder if I can get it on a t-shirt...)
Much, I think she was saying sis doesn't need to talk to you... She needs to talk to her daughter...
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 24, 2013 16:33:18 GMT -5
Mich-Simply tell your sister you can't wait to be a great-aunt.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Oct 24, 2013 16:36:53 GMT -5
Mich-Simply tell your sister you can't wait to be a great-aunt. LOL! That's something I'd say after saying "I hope your way works. If not... "
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Oct 24, 2013 16:53:25 GMT -5
Mich, I would be tempted to have a talk with your niece. I would just ask if she had any questions and point her to Planned Parenthood if she has any questions/needs. Personally I think PP's website is a very good source for info about birthcontrol that is factual. I certainly don't want the nut job Michelle Bachman departing birthcontrol info to my kids or relatives. Kids don't always think Parents or relatives really know things so I felt telling them they could research things themselves was valuable. I also told DS where PP's office was so he could depart the info if need be. In addition I told DS that his medical info was private and he could seek treatment on his own withut going through me.
Course if your niece tells her Mom you said something positive about PP sis might go balistic. Most religous people are Pro-Life-anti safety net. I really don't understand why they don't get that increasing the use of birth control will reduce unplanned pregnancies and cosequently the need for abortions is greatly reduced.
I walk this line all the time too. My family is ultra religious, I still beleve in God, but am not enthralled by the Catholic Church. I am in fact utterly disgusted for a variety of reasons.
PS I recently compared Miley Cyrus to Madonna, I think she is a Marketing Genius. I think she will have a long career, but hope she does not end up a train wreck like Lindsay Lohan.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Oct 24, 2013 17:00:15 GMT -5
Mich-Simply tell your sister you can't wait to be a great-aunt. That would be throwing gas onto the fire!
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toomuchreality
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Post by toomuchreality on Oct 24, 2013 17:50:42 GMT -5
If it were me, and my sister, at this point I would tell her that I want her to know that even though you disagree with her (if you do), I love and support her. That's all you can say on this subject. There are some people/subjects/situations in which you just have to keep repeating yourself over and over, like a broken record. This sounds like it's one of them. Good luck Mich! (I'm glad it's not me! )
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Oct 24, 2013 18:00:34 GMT -5
Yes, good luck. If you've mastered the ability to share an opinion without it being inferred as judgment, then maybe it won't go too bad. How sexually advanced a kid is doesn't necessarily have anything to do with how they were raised. Whether a kid makes good choices in regards to protection rarely has much to do with how much sex ed their parents provided either. People have been having sex at a young age for a very, very long time.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2013 20:45:19 GMT -5
Mich, I'll be interested to read about how this all plays out. I think I will have a similar situation with my brother and my now 15 year old niece. My brother converted to Mormanism in his early 20s. To his credit he has stuck with it for about 25 years. But he's in a fantasy world in terms of how he thinks he's protecting his youngest child and only daughter. And we're not even discussing what he was doing in his late teens. He was the kid parents feared for their daughters!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2013 21:12:19 GMT -5
I don't think its you she needs to connect with....its her own daughter. You can't lay down the law with a child who is nearly an adult....you'll just end up making them rebel as they are getting ready to fly the nest. All you can do is cut the umbilicus strand by strand and hope some of the values you have instilled enable them to make good choices. Where do you get the idea that I need to connect with my sister? I want to retain a relationship with one of my siblings without alienating her, despite not wholly agreeing with her. And sometimes, she makes it difficult to disagree with her without taking it personally. I have a contentious brother. He's a Rush Limbaugh fan. He has been listening to Limbaugh for years. And for years the entire family has shared a tacit policy of switching the subject whenever brother brings up a political issue at a family gathering. Sometimes my sister (the eldest of us) gets a little frisky after a couple of glasses of sparkling zinfandel and draws him out... perhaps a bit cruelly. It always ends up with him spouting double-talk blather from Limbaugh (verbatim like a catechism) while sister smirks and the rest of us roll our eyeballs. ( CUE: "Oooh... who made the key-lime pie? Did you make it from scratch with real key limes?")
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