Wives in Church Ministry

[ready4achange]

Are there any wives in WIR boards whose husbands are in the full or part time ministry? Whether a pastor, youth pastor, children's pastor, media director, etc.

My husband works full time at our church as the media director. And I will be honest being the wife of someone that works full or even part time in Church ministry is hard. I know I could use a support group of women to lean on occasionally. Wives in this situation have to be very careful with who and what they share with other people. I just thought an anonymous message board might be a way for me to connect to other women in similar situations.

**I'm not looking to gossip or bad mouth the church or my husband. I love my husband, the church, and the ministry. However I think we could all benefit from some support and encouragement occasionally. I'm also not looking to argue religious beliefs with anyone either.

[Deleted]

Not that you are not welcome here but why did you come to a financial board to find others in a similar situation? Or, are you on WIR, racing your debt and wanted to see if there were anyone else in that situation on here? I just wonder.

[debtheaven]

Gin, I think this poster has already been on WIR for a while.

[Sam_2.0]

OP - I have been around for awhile, and I can't think of any active members that I know of. I do know how it can be though - DH's dad is the music minister at our church, and MIL has a hard time making friends with the women at church. There are just some things you really can't talk about with people there.

I say join your regional group if you are racing debt, or join in the Saver's board if that's your focus. You might not find someone to talk about ministry issues specifically, but you will make some great friends And you can always post on the main board if you want to catch a wider audience at any point.

Its hard to feel like you are constantly in the spotlight, and to have to watch your words & actions very very carefully for fear or someone mis-interpreting. Hopefully you will find the same experience that I have here - with the exception of the occasional troll, the women on this board are very supportive and understanding. You can make some awesome friends here, and maybe even find some to make friendships with IRL that might be in your area, but outside your normal "circle".

While I am not in it directly, if you ever want someone to PM with, feel free to message me

[Wisconsin Beth]

I'm part of the handbell choir at my church but that's not anywhere close to your situation.

[ready4achange]

Gin- yes I do post on the WIRR board. Honestly the reason I chose this board to post that question to is because most of the posters on this board seem to be generally nice. A lot of other boards, even if you so much as mention church or Christianity people are ready to start an arguement. And that is definetly not my goal. I was just curious if any of the posters could relate to my situation.

Debtheaven- Thank you, yes! I usually only post on the WIRR board. Racing to pay off my debit

Sam- Thanks for the response. Yes the women on this board have proven to be very nice people. Very few trolls. It can be a very difficult position to fill. I do worry if what I say will be mis-interpreted or judged sometimes. And it's easier said than done not to worry what others think about you. Because I am also a reflection of my husband and his job at the church too. So theres a lot of things I feel like I have to keep bottled up. Thanks for sharing about your MIL and responding to the post.

Snerdley- Yes you are very right the "mask" of the church people should be removed. Our church is actually doing a sermon series on that right now. So it was kind of ironic that you mentioned that. I do try to be as real as possible.

[ready4achange]

Beth- Sorry I over looked your post, didn't mean to leave you out of the previous post. A hand bell choir, thats awesome. We don't see many of those around my area anymore. No matter what capacity you serve in at the church, it can becoming difficult at times. But the same could be said about most things in life.

[Deleted]

Feb 11, 2011 11:16:41 GMT -5 @ready4achange said:

Gin- yes I do post on the WIRR board. Honestly the reason I chose this board to post that question to is because most of the posters on this board seem to be generally nice. A lot of other boards, even if you so much as mention church or Christianity people are ready to start an arguement. And that is definetly not my goal. I was just curious if any of the posters could relate to my situation.

Debtheaven- Thank you, yes! I usually only post on the WIRR board. Racing to pay off my debit

Sam- Thanks for the response. Yes the women on this board have proven to be very nice people. Very few trolls. It can be a very difficult position to fill. I do worry if what I say will be mis-interpreted or judged sometimes. And it's easier said than done not to worry what others think about you. Because I am also a reflection of my husband and his job at the church too. So theres a lot of things I feel like I have to keep bottled up. Thanks for sharing about your MIL and responding to the post.

Snerdley- Yes you are very right the "mask" of the church people should be removed. Our church is actually doing a sermon series on that right now. So it was kind of ironic that you mentioned that. I do try to be as real as possible.

Ah, that makes a lot more sense than the explanation my brain came up with, lol. My personal opinion is that everyone should respect each others beliefs, even if you disagree, well unless you (general you) try to push your beliefs on me, then I get to poke holes in it ;D. Ok, what can I say, I can be evil .

[Peace77]

Are there any wives in WIR boards whose husbands are in the full or part time ministry?

My husband is in ministry. I am too but I'm not ordained and my work is in a nonprofit organization.

I know what you mean about needing encouragement. Most of the time I work alone and it can get hard.

I've been criticized for doing absolutely nothing wrong. People expecting perfection from you while far from it themselves.

You've been given good advice already. Be yourself. Don't let anyone force you into anything you don't want to do.

Expect criticism -- some people just don't have anything else to do.

Bless you.

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

I'm not in ministry (nor is my wonderful DH) ... but I just wanted to say hi.

[ready4achange]

Sorry, I have been a little absent for a couple of weeks. We've had a lot going on.

Peace77- thanks for responding. Anytime one or both people in a marriage work in ministry it is hard. There's a local non-profit organazation in our area that ministers to young girls that are in trouble. I really wish I had more time to work over there. Which is part of the reason I'm on WIRR, to pay down some debit. So I can be free to do more things to help out in the church and community and not be tied down so much to a job and debit.

Snerdly Snicklefritz- Well if someone is looking for me to play the piano, sing, or try to look good....well they will be highly disappointed. LOL. My husband just works full time as the media director at our church (sound, lighting, computers, web-design, etc). So actually I'm not even a pastor's wife. So if I struggle with things and we're just in the media department. I can't imagine how hard it is on Pastor's wives. My husband use to be a youth pastor, but he moved in a different direction. Working so closely in the church you see all kinds of things. Some really good and then some really bad.

mollymouser- Hi!

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

[Wisconsin Beth]

Feb 11, 2011 12:10:38 GMT -5 @ready4achange said:

Beth- Sorry I over looked your post, didn't mean to leave you out of the previous post. A hand bell choir, thats awesome. We don't see many of those around my area anymore. No matter what capacity you serve in at the church, it can becoming difficult at times. But the same could be said about most things in life.

It is difficult. We have toddlers that are 18 months apart and we're still trying to find balance between our jobs, the kids and both of our churches (I"m Catholic and DH is Lutheran) and dealing with the household chores.

I love the handbell choir. We have a truly talented and fabulous music director right now who also tells us that we're not just a choir we're a ministry. I think most of us are trying to wrap ourselves around that yet.

[ready4achange]

BETH- Absolutely you guys are a ministry. First of all your hand bell choir is an act of worship to God. Second, if just one person hears the music and it touches their soul, then you've ministered to them. Technically I believe all Christians are in the "ministry". We see people everyday whether at work, school, grocery store, etc. that we have the power to impact. If we can say or do one kind thing to them, then we've shown the goodness of God to that person. Everything that we say and do is a direct reflection of the God we serve. And when we have a relationship with God it should shine through in all of our actions. Even when we smile at people, they should see a differance in our life. Now we know it's nothing "good" that we've done, but it's the goodness that lives inside of us, Jesus. Sorry for the long post. I pray you never feel insignificant in your role in the church. Every person from the pastor to the janitor is important. God loves us all the same and has a purpose and a plan for each person individually.

Having two smaller children must be very demanding. I have one 9 month old and I know hard and busy it is with him. So two must be super busy. I pray you find strength to manage your time and find that delicate balance for all things. God Bless!

[Wisconsin Beth]

Feb 24, 2011 17:48:01 GMT -5 @ready4achange said:

BETH- Absolutely you guys are a ministry. First of all your hand bell choir is an act of worship to God. Second, if just one person hears the music and it touches their soul, then you've ministered to them. Technically I believe all Christians are in the "ministry". We see people everyday whether at work, school, grocery store, etc. that we have the power to impact. If we can say or do one kind thing to them, then we've shown the goodness of God to that person. Everything that we say and do is a direct reflection of the God we serve. And when we have a relationship with God it should shine through in all of our actions. Even when we smile at people, they should see a differance in our life. Now we know it's nothing "good" that we've done, but it's the goodness that lives inside of us, Jesus. Sorry for the long post. I pray you never feel insignificant in your role in the church. Every person from the pastor to the janitor is important. God loves us all the same and has a purpose and a plan for each person individually.

No, that's pretty much what he's trying to get us to internalize and then respect ourselves and the rest of the choir for. And when the choir and the handbells are "on" we are definitely touching people (when Catholics applaud in church, you KNOW you've done something right...)


[/quote] Having two smaller children must be very demanding. I have one 9 month old and I know hard and busy it is with him. So two must be super busy. I pray you find strength to manage your time and find that delicate balance for all things. God Bless![/quote]
I would be insane if it wasn't for the support and help we get from DH and my families. The grandparents watch the kids 2 days a week, which alleviates the day care bill. And the emotional support my Mom provides me is priceless. DH and I weren't supposed to be able to have kids without medical intervention and to be honest/blunt, neither of us was prepared to be parents. We're adapting but that too is a work in progress. And I'm straying off topic here.

[Peace77]

Peace77- thanks for responding. Anytime one or both people in a marriage work in ministry it is hard. There's a local non-profit organazation in our area that ministers to young girls that are in trouble. I really wish I had more time to work over there. Which is part of the reason I'm on WIRR, to pay down some debit. So I can be free to do more things to help out in the church and community and not be tied down so much to a job and debit.

It is hard because for much of our work, we don't get paid. My husband gets a tiny stipend that is enough to cover the phone and cell phone bills. We do get reimbursed for mileage and expenses

DH main income is from working for a local school.

I'm currently on disability. I would love to be able to get out of debt. But, I don't have the stamina to work full time and there really is no one else doing the volunteer work that I do.

[rmtvbrooks]

I was married to a minister of music for 18 years (he was charged with and confessed to molesting our daughter last fall, then killed himself earlier this month). I can totally understand your frustrations. My husband had kind of derailed mentally in recent years (still not sure what prompted it), and he had become verbally abusive to me and our son in addition to the abuse of our daughter. There were many times (before I found out about the sexual abuse of DD) that I wanted to pack up and leave him. But there is tremendous pressure concerning the fact that you will not only destroy your marriage, but also his ministry if you leave. I also doubted myself, wondering if people would believe me when I told them about the verbal abuse. Everyone loved my husband, and I felt like I would be looked at as a she-devil for leaving. In fact, if he had not confessed to the abuse of DD, it likely could have split the church, as some would believe DD and others would say there was no way he'd do that. His confessing removed any doubt.

I guess my point is that it's good you started this thread. There are many things you can't share with church members due to privacy concerns as well as concerns for DH keeping his job. There is also the issue that everyone wants to be your "friend" so they have an "in" with the church staff, but no one is really your FRIEND in the truest sense of that word (someone you can tell ANYTHING to). So you feel free to come here and vent whatever you need to vent. It is CRUCIAL for church staff wives to have an outlet. I also have taken a job as receptionist at our new church (in a new state), so I am now still church staff! So I still have a certain amount of that same stuff, though not quite on the same level as when you're married to ministerial staff.

You can also PM me if you feel the need to share something you don't want to post on the board. I will keep it completely to myself, as I understand the need for complete privacy at times.

[Wisconsin Beth]

rmtvbrooks, I'm so sorry for your family. I would think it's very hard to be picking up the pieces for you and your kids.

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

(((rmtvbrooks))) I am sorry for what you and your family have gone through. I hope that you can find some practical advice, assistance and encouragement on these forums, as well as some friends. You will be in my prayers ~ feel free to PM me anytime.

Molly

[Sam_2.0]

Snerdley -

[suziq38]

Feb 10, 2011 16:56:37 GMT -5 @gin1984 said:

Not that you are not welcome here but why did you come to a financial board to find others in a similar situation? Or, are you on WIR, racing your debt and wanted to see if there were anyone else in that situation on here? I just wonder.

Gin,
I understand that you are just curious as to how this thread fits in to the financial focus of the WIR message board.
IMHO, I think that this is a really good thread for those that are in ministry.
They face many different and yet common situations financial and non financial that they may feel like discussing.

How about the topics of these threads:
"I'm having my son circumcised"
or "Which Kitchen Gadgets Do You Actually Use?"
There have even been threads about weight loss/gain, and cheating spouses.
We used to have a thread called "The Picnic," which was just plain fun and silly.

While not primarily money focused, these threads serve their purpose.

I personally am not associated with my church this way, but there may be others that are interested.

Welcome, all.

[suziq38]

A good friend in high school works for a ministry in Colorado.
She and her DH are counselors that specialize in helping the ministry through weekend and week retreats.
They are in Colorado.
I forgot the name of the organization.
I think the name is "Marble Retreats," located in Marble, Colorado.
I am sure they are not the only retreat of this type, there are others.
Anyway, ministers and their wives or husbands go and discuss their challenges being ministers.

[ready4achange]

RMTVBROOKS: Wow, what a life changing experience. I can't imagine having to go through what you and your family have. I'm so sorry. Makes me count my blessings and know some where out there is someone struggling with way worse problems than myself. I appreciate you sharing your experience. Church ministry does feel so lonely at times. Because like you said you cannot have a true best friend that you tell everything too.

Being married to someone in the ministry is a lot harder than I ever would have thought. We manage, but it's not easy. I think my biggest struggle is balancing my schedule. I get overwhelmed so easily. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day.

[rmtvbrooks]

ready4achange: I had to learn very quickly that I could not do it all. Often, there is an expectation of church staff wives that is unrealistic. I remember when we went to our second church. A few months in, one of the ladies came to me and said that some of the laides were upset that I didn't attend the Women's Missionary Union meetings. I asked her, "What time do you meet?" She said, "Tuesdays at 9:00 AM." I told her that I was teaching school at that hour and couldn't get away then. She seemed almost shocked that I had a job! It was hard, because I hate to disappoint people, but I had to learn to say NO sometimes. I'm not superwoman, so there were just some things I had to say no to.

I know what you mean about realizing there are people experiencing worse things than you. In spite of the awful circumstances we've dealt with, things could be MUCH worse. I'm in a new location, close to my family, with a new job that I really enjoy and is fairly stress-free. My kids are healthy and are attending counseling to work through the issues our circumstances have brought about. I would never have chosen to go through what we've been through, but when I think how much worse it could be, I'm grateful for the way God has been there for us through it all. He's provided in some amazing ways, and I am so thankful for where He's placed us.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more. I truly do understand what you're going through. Being married to a minister has its rewards, but it also has tremendous challenges!

[Wisconsin Beth]

Apr 4, 2011 10:37:33 GMT -5 @ready4achange said:

Being married to someone in the ministry is a lot harder than I ever would have thought. We manage, but it's not easy. I think my biggest struggle is balancing my schedule. I get overwhelmed so easily. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day.

I have problems balancing my schedule and I too get overwhelmed easily. I don't think it's related to my handbell choir though, I think it's just the way I'm wired.

[busymom]

RMTVbrooks: So sorry to hear of all the troubles you & your family have had to deal with. Just wanted to say (and I'm sure you already know this) to please be sure to allow you children to receive counseling, whether you get a church counselor, or a regular psychologist. When kids go thru such an awful situation, they may need someone besides Mom to talk to. (And if Mom needs someone to talk to, you go ahead & see a counselor too!) God Bless you & your family for everything you've gone through!

P.S. My own DH is on one of the church boards. Board members (and their families) aren't always treated too well by a congregation either. I can only imagine what a Pastor's wife must go through!

[rmtvbrooks]

busymom: You'll be glad to know that the kids and I are all going to counseling. My daughter had some back in the fall after I discovered the abuse, but the counselor released her after only a few sessions. She wasn't really wanting to talk about it much at that time, making the counseling fairly fruitless at that point. She may be more ready to talk now, though, especially with the suicide occurring. My son has developmental delays, and the counselors were unsure how to work with him. He will now be seeing someone that has more experience with kids like him. His behavior has been pretty bad lately, partly due to being a hormonal teenager (he's 13!), but also partly due to the events and changes that have taken place. I am seeing a separate counselor, too, primarily because as I reflect back, I realize that he was also emotionally abusive with me. There are issues we all need to work through, so the counseling should help.

Thanks to everyone for your prayers and words of encouragement!

[Wisconsin Beth]

I'm glad you're all in counseling (or that you've tried with DD and will continue to try again with her).

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

Hi, everyone

[Wisconsin Beth]

Karma for you Snerd for that.