thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Apr 1, 2013 11:44:50 GMT -5
This weekend I was hanging out with one of my friends and her mother (who was in town for Easter.) It was hilarious to watch my perfectly capable adult friend turn into a teenager. Clearly, she and her mother have the same dynamics they have had for more than a decade.
I thought back to my relationship with my mother. She treated me like a child, I treated her like a I was a spoiled teenager. And one day I changed the script. I was not going to participate in being "babied" anymore. And I was just going to blow off anything she said that was too motherly. I would just treat her as I would a friend, and hope she would return the favor. It hasn't been perfect, but things are much better.
Then I thought to the relationship she had with her mother. And until the day my Grandmother died, my mother talked to her like a spoiled teenager. She would roll her eyes and interrupt her and correct her all the time. Which is particularly hilarious, because my mother isn't like that AT ALL. I always thought it was weird that my mother was so different around her mother. But now I realize that they never gave up the mother-daughter dynamic. And their relationship was always strained.
How has the relationship with your mother changed since you were a teenager? Did you have to make a conscious decision to change the script? Who started the change and how? What was the catalyst of the change? Or, do you have the same ol' tired bantering that you always had?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 1, 2013 12:07:44 GMT -5
It changed when we stopped living under the same roof. We'd go at it like cats/dogs when we lived together. We were really catty to each other.
I didn't make any concious decisions to change it, just having a significant time apart from each other is what did it.
I think we'd revert if I had to go back to living with my parents. We love each other but we're all too much alike to peacefully co-exist under the same roof.
Probably also helps my mom is done with menopause. She was just starting when I was a teenager and she didn't handle it too well. She was like Kitty from That 70's Show. She's mellowed quite a bit since then.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Apr 1, 2013 12:46:10 GMT -5
Drama - I also noticed a big change when I moved out, but we would still nitpick at each other. I refuse to participate in that anymore. Okay - I TRY not to participate in that anymore. Rukh - do you still only use those phrases with your mother? It wouldn't seem like you have a great relationship if you never say anything but yes and no.
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justme
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Post by justme on Apr 1, 2013 12:54:28 GMT -5
Same thing as Drama, when I moved out things calmed down a lot. I had to move back after I finished my masters for 9 months at the age of 23 and holy crap did I feel like I was 16 again - probably because they treated me like that, threatening to take away my car, making me buy my food because my room wasn't clean and when that didn't make me clean it to their liking they started more punishments. I even got a fucking curfew placed on me for the last few months (home by 11 or don't come home at all - way to encourage me to crash at peoples places I'm not comfortable with since everyone I knew was an hour away) I'm lucky I got a job when I did, I'm not sure our relationship could have stayed in tact if I had to live there much longer. I'm sure being trapped because I either had to be in school or live at their house to be on their health insurance (which I couldn't afford not to have) didn't help the situation. I've learned we have about a 2 week time window, after that she gets onto me for the same damn things since I was a kid and it's the same damn things I do living on my own so they aren't magically going to change (probably because I don't mind them, I see no reason to change those things, and they're probably why I'm not as stressed out in life as she is). I discovered the 2 week window because I had to stay with them after a surgery since I couldn't be alone. Even me laid up on pain meds, at the end of the 2 weeks she started to nag and do the same old shit again. So as long as we don't live together we're pretty good. Every once in a blue moon she'll bring up the points of contention and it'll make me bristle and snap back sometimes but sometimes I just say "I've been like this for 27 years, you nagging me obviously hasn't changed anything so drop it". On the upside this means my parents will be moving in with my brother if they have to move in with someone. I've told them I fully plan to use the "my house, my rules" mantra back at them if they move in and I keep my house too messy for them so they'd have to clean up after me if they wanted it a certain way.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Apr 1, 2013 13:01:11 GMT -5
Things also improved greatly once I left the house. We never had a contentious relationship, but we are just very different people and have never understood each other that well. (She is very bubbly, friendly, emotional - I'm more of a Sheldon Cooper.) She's also the queen of passive-aggressive, but since it's harder to effectively give someone the silent treatment when you live an hour away and mainly communicate via Facebook/text, that has thankfully eased up a lot.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2013 13:02:32 GMT -5
We didn't live under the same roof since I was 6. Growing up she was relegated to fun, weekend mom. It was when I got pregnant/ had kids that we got really close, and were already adults, that, and since she's only 16 years older than me, having more of a peer type relationship as grown ups hasn't been a problem. Although I still ask her advice more thn she asks mine, we are most often sharing/ collaborating, and she is very supportive of the kids, homeschooling, etc.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Apr 1, 2013 13:04:35 GMT -5
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Have you ever had a rational, calm conversation with her about those things? Not during a nitpicking session, but an out of the blue conversation about it.
I once told my mother that I don't feel it is necessary to live in a house clean enough to do surgery in, and that is just never going to be my house. I also told her that I can't compete with her in that arena. I think that hit her like a ton of bricks. I think she is a compulsive cleaner and it never occurred to her that I was happy in my semi-clean house. She probably thought I was stressed out because I didn't have time to scrub the baseboards, but in reality I didn't care. After that, she stopped offering to come over and clean my house. It changed the conversation between us from her trying to help me reach her ideal standard, to just become one where we can talk about something else (anything else.)
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Apr 1, 2013 13:28:58 GMT -5
We never had a contentious relationship, but we are just very different people and have never understood each other that well. (She is very bubbly, friendly, emotional - I'm more of a Sheldon Cooper.) Wow, that's me and my mom too. It's frustrating and I often feel bad that we can't relate more.
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justme
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Post by justme on Apr 1, 2013 13:31:07 GMT -5
Well, they rarely visit and it's not something that they bring up talking otherwise so thankfully it's not this over-reaching thing we're always talking about. I have in the past, even went so far as in high school I printed up the Meyer's-Brigg (I think that's it) personality thing for me highlighting the portion about how people with my personality just don't see cleaning as a big thing and we tend to forget about items we place down until we need them again. Her response was something along the lines of I don't care what your personality is you can still pick up after yourself. I'd actually get more stressed after I "cleaned" because I wouldn't remember where I put the item when I cleaned (because I wasn't using said item) and instead would go to where I put it the last time I used it and it wasn't there. That was met with remarks of "if you cleaned up more you wouldn't have this problem" when the cleaning is what cause the problem! I've mostly just given up now that I'm out of the house and just see it as one thing my parents will *NEVER* get about me. In the grand scheme of things, having that be the one bone of contention between us really isn't that big of a thing (as long as we're not living under one roof). I'm trying to get better about it, I know I'm messy, but lack the motivation (it isn't THAT bad) and suck at cleaning. Seriously, my parents always quip "it'd only take you a couple hours to clean up your apt" yeah....that was right after I had just spent 4 hours cleaning up and it didn't look any cleaner to me.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Apr 1, 2013 13:32:22 GMT -5
My mom and I don't have a great relationship. Mostly, though it's due to the fact that there's untreated mental illness on her end.
As a teen, I did whatever I had to do to survive. By the time I graduated high school, I was in a codependant relationship with my mom. It was the easiest way to avoid her instability.
For most of my adulthood, my mom has had no interest in seeing me as an adult. They really think it's appropriate to still have a parent/child relationship with me. If I were in a different situation or a different person, I could maybe see the need for them to think of me as an 8 year old.
So, I made the conscious decision to stop the script by having some very simple boundaries. My folks didn't like that, which lead to estrangement for several years.
I've now come to realize that I've outgrown my relationship with my mom, and I'm trying to figure out the best way to proceed, other than to make sure I have better relationships with my kids.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Apr 1, 2013 14:07:30 GMT -5
My mom and I are basically best friends. It wasn't always that way. We were always close when I was growing up. I think inpart because my siblings were already in school by the time I was born, so I had a SAHM all to myself for long stretches of the day. The worst part of our relationship came from my junior year of college for about 3 years. She really struggled with me growing up and not checking in with her for every little thing and she sort of freaked out when she found out my DH was 17 years older than me (making him only 15 years younger than her). But she met him and found out why I love him and she loves him too. She stayed with us for 3 weeks in between Feb and March and it was awesome. She respected DH and I as parents and let us make the parenting rules and she would back them up. No stepping in and saying letting DS get away with something we had told him no to. We were all a little nervous how it would go, but it worked out fine. We didn't even get our underwear mixed up in the wash. She's still my mom, but she is also my best friend. We email daily and talk at least once a week on the phone. We never had the typical teenager mother/daughter issues.
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lexxy703
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Post by lexxy703 on Apr 1, 2013 14:14:04 GMT -5
My mom & I always got along well. She has always been a good friend. When my dad died our relationship changed. She leaned on me for strength & then because he was not around to nag she began nagging me. Sometimes I can't stand anymore & snap at her. Then I feel horrible. We were much closer before. I miss it sometimes.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Apr 1, 2013 14:28:18 GMT -5
I can't even begin to answer this thread... I think I'd need my own. Too much drama to hash up, too much ill will....
Suffice to say, I do NOT have a good relationship with my mother.
And it almost stopped me from BECOMING a mother.
And since becoming a mother, I feel like a new person.
And I KNOW I will not make the same mistakes my own mother did. My DD is my #1 and always will be.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Apr 1, 2013 14:36:10 GMT -5
My mom and I always had a strained relationship while I was growing up. My favorite saying was that she would have been old fashioned if she had been her own mother and I was more of a hippie type (dating myself here) and she was a very happy SAHM and I went of to study and work in chemistry (not a job for a girl ) -> victorian v. the 60s didn't work that well. It wasn't until after DS1 was born that she found common ground for us to talk about. And it took me at least half a year after that before I realized that she had always tried so very hard to find common ground with her wayward daughter. She was not by nature a buttinsky wrt household and child rearing and as a result we had a wonderful relationship for the last 9 years of her live.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Apr 1, 2013 15:50:21 GMT -5
My mom and i always had a great relationship. At times she would treat me like a child. I remember when she called me during a thunderstorm when i was 30 telling me to "unplug the microwave". I know she always meant the best for me and that is how i took it.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Apr 1, 2013 15:59:08 GMT -5
I have a adult relationship with my parents.
'We fought a lot in my late teens and early 20's. My mom was working at the time and had a hard time of it, and my usual teenage agst. It was particularly bad the summer after I graduated from college and before I started a "real job." My parents rode me like freight train to get a job and get out of the house, to the point where it seemed like they didn't want me in their life anymore. I was 22 and they were still treating me like a teenager. They were not supportive at all during that time and their fear and worry were unfounded as I got a job and moved out six months later, but it has left a scar on our relationship and the main reason why I would never move back in with them. I was so happy to get out from under them at 22, words can't even describe.
Anyway, once I moved out and we got some distance between us things gradually improved. Things are okay now, but I'll never move back in with my parents if I can help it.
Anyway, that's one thing I've vowed to do differently if I ever have kids. Try not to be so overbearing when they move back from college. I can understand you want the kid to move out and get a job. But you don't have to nag constantly and yell and scream about it.
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quince
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Post by quince on Apr 1, 2013 16:12:51 GMT -5
My relationship with my mother changed -while- I was a teenager- more autonomy, respect for my decisions, more listening/giving advice and then stepping back from her rather than pushing. I think we have an adult (ish) relationship. I noticed the first time I dropped the F-bomb around her, shortly thereafter she was comfortable swearing around me. She will give her opinions when I talk about my life with her- ONCE, then never again. She cares about how I'm doing and I care about how she's doing and we exchange info every month or three. She tells me what's going on in her life, how she feels about work, how my father feels about work, their finances, etc, etc, as an equal, and I do the same. We give each other advice, and complain to each other, and it's fantastic. I think she's amazing and I feel like some of her excellent boundaries come from my family traditionally doing the multi-generational household thing...where it's a choice between good boundaries and mutual respect or homicide. The "ish" - she drives when we're together. I'll give in to not-so-peer pressure when she suggests I buy something- no one else can talk me into making a purchase. I'll cave on things for her that I wouldn't for anyone else (actually making registry for baby, how to spend an afternoon, etc...) I care about her being happy with things I do...even though and probably because I know she won't complain if I don't do what she wants. I love my mommy.
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motherto2
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Post by motherto2 on Apr 1, 2013 16:14:20 GMT -5
Growing up my mom and I didn't have that great of a relationship. She started dating my stepdad when I was about 9-10, and she was so far up his butt she couldn't get a good breath of air. Still is, but now it's a crutch (she's starting with dementia). I would beg her for just her and I to go to the grocery store to have a little mom/daughter time, and she wouldn't go anywhere without him. Needless to say he and I didn't have a great relationship either. I was disowned from the family so many times it wasn't funny. After I became an adult it got better. Her and I would actually go shopping or outings together from time to time. We haven't done that in several years though. She won't let stepdad out of her sight. He and I are actually much closer. Mom is at the point now where she panics just thinking about going and talking to someone, even one of her close friends that she used to work with. He actually jokes and says things like "we went to lunch with X today, just us girls"! Too funny, but also sad. I did notice when ex #1 and I split and divorced, I started getting treated like a child again. And I was being put in between them, each telling me their side of the story. I was living down at the bottom of the hill where they live. I decided to sell my house and move about 15 minutes away, and I was disowned once again, for the better part of a year. So glad I put some distance between us. Now, DD told me last week that stepdad was telling her they hadn't seen or talked to me in about 2 weeks (I had just gone to lunch with them that weekend, and talked to them most of days last week) and that we just seem to be drifting our separate ways. Sometimes I think he's starting with his own issues . They have said on numerous times that they feel they have the right to decide if I should date someone (if I started dating someone). Well. I let that go, because I have no intentions about dating anyone, and they never liked one single guy that I've ever dated, so I don't think he would stand a chance. I guess I'm still being treated like a child
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Apr 1, 2013 16:15:06 GMT -5
Seems like cleaning is a big issue for many of you.
I'm with y'all. I don't like living in a pigstye but I always thought of my living space as living space, not a museum.
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Iggy aka IG
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Post by Iggy aka IG on Apr 1, 2013 16:16:11 GMT -5
"How has the relationship with your mother changed since you were a teenager? Did you have to make a conscious decision to change the script? Who started the change and how? What was the catalyst of the change? Or, do you have the same ol' tired bantering that you always had?"Sometime in the past 5 years or so, our relationship has done a 180 where I'm the more evolved human. I made the conscious decision when I realized she simply can't give me the support a mom should give a daughter. That, plus her victim personality, was a wake up call to me. Now, the only time we talk is when I call her. Meanwhile, she gets her victim fulfillment via her mommy-whom she calls every night.
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vonna
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Post by vonna on Apr 1, 2013 16:46:42 GMT -5
I had a great relationship with my mom, through every age (and my two siblings would say the same.) She died when I was 34. I just think she was amazing because she adjusted her "mothering" as I grew up, so while our relationship changed, there was no "event" that made it so, she made it seem natural.
I was lucky to have her as a mom.
I will be lucky if my kids feel even close to the same way about me.
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MarleyKeezy78
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Post by MarleyKeezy78 on Apr 1, 2013 19:09:29 GMT -5
Wow, I needed this thread tonight! My mom came to stay for the holiday weekend and I am glad she had to go home today. I love her and she did very well for 3 days and yesterday it fell apart at a family gathering. We have not had the best relationship in the past because she has a drinking problem and she has done a lot of things to hurt me and the family. We didn't talk for about 4 years and when I got pregnant I started talking to her for the sake of our son. I have to hold my tounge for a lot of things with her because she can dish it out but don't dare say anything to her or you hate her, are against her, ect... I have a family member who her and my mom do not get along and the last few years have been not so good between us either and finally this weekend we had a talk and want to move forward so we can have fun at family functions and such. My mom took great offense and is now trying to run my life and give me a huge guilt trip about it. My family memeber (who wants to make up) had a tiff with my grandma yesterday and my mom found out and blew it all out of proportion all day with family there ended up at a hotel for the night and blamed me for working things out with said family member. My mom also told me it's my job to tell said family member to move out of my grandmas house (she is activly working towards this) because we are "bonding". I also hate that my mom treats me like a baby and tells other people that I love when she wants me to sit on her lap so she can hug and kiss on me like a damn three year old... Get the F off me, I'm a grown ass 34 old woman, married with a kid and I don't need that shit! Sorry for the huge rant but damn!!! Don't come to visit if you're going to act like an ass munch!
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Apr 1, 2013 19:52:47 GMT -5
Ever since I can remember, I have been the "mother" in our mother/daughter relationship (I remember being 15 years old and calling her doctor's office pretending to be her because she was incapable of demanding her f'n records so she could change doctors!). I'm now at the point where I just don't give a shit. She never pays her bills, blows through her money, etc.
After our last blowout over her irresponsibility (my aunt calls me in a panic because she finds my mom's foreclosure notices or power shut-off notices) I told her she is on her own. I have two kids to raise, one of whom is has special needs and actually NEEDS to be taken care of. If she loses her house, she will be looking for an apartment and that will be that.
But my mom adores my kids and her relationship with them is much better than ours ever was or ever will be. I don't respect and honestly, don't think I even like her that much...but she is my mom and I am grateful that she gave birth to me (that's me trying to give her credit for something!llol)
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Apr 1, 2013 20:59:31 GMT -5
I've always had a good relationship with my mom. When I was a kid I thought she was mean. Now I realize she was being a good mom, and she wasn't mean at all. Our relationship slowly changed. We had our clashes at times as I was becoming an adult and figuring things out for myself.
I'm very close with my parents. I talk to my mom almost every day. I value her advice, especially now that I'm a mom. We have a friendship. Sometimes I invite her to activities with my friends, and she invites me to things with her friends. It's been an interesting evolution.
I have friends whose parents still treat them like teenagers even though they are adults with children of their own. It's very frustrating for them.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Apr 1, 2013 21:07:57 GMT -5
Things also improved greatly once I left the house. We never had a contentious relationship, but we are just very different people and have never understood each other that well. (She is very bubbly, friendly, emotional - I'm more of a Sheldon Cooper.) She's also the queen of passive-aggressive, but since it's harder to effectively give someone the silent treatment when you live an hour away and mainly communicate via Facebook/text, that has thankfully eased up a lot. You're much more fun than Sheldon. You're at least an Amy Farrah Fowler and probably a Bernadette. Mom and I get along fantastically. FWIW, my parents generally treated me like an adult once I hit 13 or so. I was doing the laundry, light cleaning, cooking and keeping up with the family schedule. Who needed to go where, when Dad was going to a conference, and when I needed to get picked up/dropped off, stuff like that. It didn't always work though, I got left at dance class one night when I had reminded Mom to come pick me up. Of course this was before cell phones I started grocery shopping for them when I got a car. I did most of these things because it was easier for me to them than to have one of my parents do them, these were NOT chores or anything I was assigned to do. If I wanted food in the house it was easier to go buy it than ask Mom to run to the store. If I wanted my clothes clean and not have my books washed in the machine too (true story), I did clothes. Mom NOW tells people she encouraged me to do laundry by leaving cash in her pockets. She forgot that I would get the wet money out of the machine, dry it on a towel and give it back to her (or dad, depending on who's laundry it was). This isn't to say my relationship with my parents was easy-peasy. In HS I was in a really messed-up abusive relationship with a guy who turned me into something I am not. It made every relationship in my life awful, including my parents. I got to the good relationship I have with them now by getting my head screwed-on straight and getting back to being a person I liked again. Mom and I are alike enough that we get along awesomely. She's like a great best friend who shares my taste in most everything! Dad and I are way too much alike to be able to tolerate each other more than a week or so less if there's no Mom to buffer. I love him to death and am so lucky to have him in my life. He's one of the smartest people I know, and therein lies the problem. We both will not let something go once we get into it. If one of us does something the other deems stupid, then we can be very judgemental. He also expects me to fill-in for Mom if she's not around. So I have to make his food and bring him a glass of OJ if he wants one or do his laundry. This isn't the dynamic in my marriage and it annoys me that he things I'll drop what I'm doing to make him toast. Then he's annoyed at me for not making him toast. *Cue music from 'The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly'* He's got a few other things that irritate me, but I really could start a thread on those.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Apr 1, 2013 21:28:00 GMT -5
I didn't realize it until recently, but ever since I was a teenager, I had much more "grown-up" relationship with my mom - until now. Now, being a wife and mother makes me want to be a kid with my mom.
We have pretty good relationship, we do get "into it" from time to time, but we are fairly close.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Apr 1, 2013 22:37:26 GMT -5
Ugh. I think every member of my family except my dad expects me to be the same person I was at about 15 or so. I fight hard not to fall into those patterns, but that's a good reason to avoid extended time with family. My mother starts right in with the guilt trips and attempted manipulation, and it's a struggle not to respond the way that was ingrained from an early age.
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Cass
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Post by Cass on Apr 2, 2013 5:53:46 GMT -5
Interesting thread.
I was estranged from my mother for 7 years, up until last year. When we reconnected last year she was on her best behavior, but recently the claws have come back out. She blew up at me over the holiday weekend over leaving a light on (?!) and I'm remembering why I wanted away from her again.
Funny part is she's sometimes staying with her elderly parents to help out. She will bitch all day about her own mother and never once see that she's the exact same person.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 2, 2013 8:17:01 GMT -5
My mom and I fought like crazy until I was 10. We got along well until she found out Dh and I were together, and then things were strained until Dh and I decided to have a wedding ceremony, and things have been peachy ever since.
Since having my kids my mom is my best friend.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2013 10:16:36 GMT -5
I didn't really have a relationship w/my mom. I had 5 siblings ranging in age to 3-18. On the early morning of my 10th B-day, a Saturday in June 1967, I was scheduled to have my first ever B-day party that day, I woke up to her dressed and putting on makeup. (She worked M-F and wouldn't normally be doing this on the weekend, esp. so early) So I asked her what she was doing, and why she was putting makeup on and she said she had to go "somewhere" and would be back "soon".....and not to worry because my older sister (18) was going to give me my bday party! I was heartbroken....protesting....crying. She assured me that I would have my party and I told her I wanted HER at my first-ever-birthday party! An older sibling attended to me. Within 10 minutes my Mom left and was gone. I never saw her again. They told me on Sunday that she was in the hospital, but that she was going to be fine and home soon. I asked everyday if she was coming home 'today' and they would always tell me 'soon.' She had a hysterectomy scheduled for that following Monday, there were complications requiring continuous pints of blood and an oxygen tent....she died 6 days after she entered the hospital..had just turned 43 a few months prior. A friend of my sister's was babysitting us when the phone rang and she started screaming and crying....I knew...and I took off out of the house and down the street screaming..My best friends mom hearing the commotion and seeing me running captured me on a lawn a few houses away and took me to her house..
My relatives wanted to take some of us to raise, but the last thing my mom asked my dad was to 'take care of my kids'...and he honored her request....not that he would have let any of us go, anyway. Relatives tried to have him give some of us to them to raise, but he declined. They also wanted him to sue the hospital, Dr.(s), et.al. but he said, "Will that bring her back? Cuz that's all I want..." He refused an autopsy on her and refused to sue. For the first couple of months he just rocked in her tweed rocking chair, listening to that Bobby Goldsboro song, "Honey" over and over again..saying, "Well gee whiz..." They were married one month shy of 20 yrs. They met 3 mos. before he went to serve in WW11 and she waited 4 yrs. for him to return. I left home 3 mos. after turning 18. My dad passed when I was 36...I arranged a 21 gun salute at his funeral after asking my BIL (exmilitary) to try to get it done...came back the day before his funeral saying he couldn't get it done. I wouldn't take no for an answer, it was his right......and got it done. I have a beautiful color full length 8x10 of my mom on her wedding day on the wall across from my bed, next to a portrait of Jesus. I carry a picture of my dad and me at my first wedding (23) in my wallet. I'm now 55 and although it's been many years since I've seen either one of them I believe I will see them again and very much look forward to it.
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