When a boy is bullied by a girl

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

When it comes to the teacher and the prinicpal, if they don't take me seriously I'm moving up the chain till I am heard.  I have no problem being "that parent" if they won't listen to me.

As far as her hitting him, I don't believe boys shouldn't hit girls.  My response would be if they start attacking you, you have every right to defend yourself.  Do what you have to to protect yourself and I'll deal with the school.

[Tennesseer]

Time to call the bully's parents and reference the comments of the principal and missed recesses.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I thought her missing recess was a really light punishment. I thought schools were supposed to be taking bullying more seriously

Lip service.  And just because "the school" is supposed to take it more seriously doesn't mean every individual teacher/prinicpal will.

School board probably will.  And they DEFINETLY will if I start writing opinion pieces to the local paper.

Squeaky will gets the grease.  Don't lie down just because others do.

[Phoenix84]

I agree with DramaQ, if they were no taking the bullying seriously I'd go up the chain until I found someone who did. 

I'd also be working with my kid on ways to stop bullies.  I'd also be talking to the kid's parents.  If they didn't care then I'd consider legal action should the abuse get bad enough. 

I also thought schools were taking bullies more seriously now, it seems to run the gambet from a slap on the wrist to total overreaction. 

[Phoenix84]

"As far as her hitting him, I don't believe boys shouldn't hit girls.  My response would be if they start attacking you, you have every right to defend yourself.  Do what you have to to protect yourself and I'll deal with the school."

I agree, and gender differences don't really matter much anyway at that age.  There's little difference in boys and girls in physical ability at that age.  And it's not uncommon to find girls who are bigger than the boys. 

[whoisjohngalt]

Is there a reason he can't kick her back?  I am teaching my boys that NO ONE is allowed to put their hands on them, and if anyone does - they are allowed to defend themselves.  Yep, that includes women.  Equality for all, right?

[thyme4change]

A know a lady whose son was being bullied, and they had a lawyer write a letter to the kids parents using all the fancy words that lawyers use to me "Back off" and he hasn't had a problem since.  

[Deleted]

I think at that age it is fine for a boy to get physical with a girl that is bullying him. He can be told later on, when he is 6'2", 225 pounds, that it is not ok to hit a woman.

[hoops902]

Mar 28, 2013 10:44:44 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

I think at that age it is fine for a boy to get physical with a girl that is bullying him. He can be told later on, when he is 6'2", 225 pounds, that it is not ok to hit a woman.

I think it's not really ok to hit anyone.  But if you're going to hit someone, their gender is irrelevant.  Now, size might be relevant.  So it's not ok for a guy who's 6'2" 225 lbs to hit a 120 lb woman, but nor is it ok for him to hit a 120 lb man.

[mmhmm]

It sounds like your sister is confronting the problem if she's at the school now.  The school's first step, apparently, was to put the bully out of recess for three days.  The behavior has continued in spite of that punishment.  Now, if I were your sister, I'd expect a very strong escalation in the punishment, including a parent conference with the parents of the bully.  I'd want to attend that conference.  If that didn't work, I'd be in the office of the Superintendent of schools and I wouldn't be leaving until I got a satisfactory answer to my problem.  I'd best see action immediately or the newspapers and the TV stations are going to know me very, very well.  If the boy is smaller than the girl, he could be hurt if he tries to defend himself physically.  He also may not be the type of person to do that.  Besides, I think bullying is something that needs to be dealt with on an administrative level.  If not this boy, the bully will find someone else until she's stopped.

[whoisjohngalt]

So it's not ok for a guy who's 6'2" 225 lbs to hit a 120 lb woman, but nor is it ok for him to hit a 120 lb man.

OK, so what is that 6'2 guy suppose to do if that 120lb woman or man keeps hitting him or throw things at him?  Sometimes size really does not matter........

[thyme4change]

OK, so what is that 6'2 guy suppose to do if that 120lb woman or man keeps hitting him or throw things at him?  

Leave.[/span]

[souldoubt]

Every guy who is'nt a moron or a felon knows when you're an adult you walk away and getting even the least bit physical with a female is the absolute last resort.  Plenty of guys have prevented a female from hitting them by simply restraining them and they still spend the night in jail.  In that situation for a guy it's pretty much guilty until proven innocent even if you've got marks from you were hit.

As far as this situation I would continue to go up the food chan while teaching the boy it's okay to defend himself.  If the girls parents don't care they can and should threaten legal action but in the mean time the boys getting treated like crap and needs to stand up for himself. 

[whoisjohngalt]

Leave

And what if he can't?  It could very well happen in high school, or even middle school and may be the guy won't be 6'2, but he could be much larger than the girl hitting him.  then what?

And let's say, for argument sake, that he CAN leave.  Why should he?  The idea that a smaller person can put their hands on a larger person without expecting any kind of physical retaliation is just wrong wrong wrong

[needanewjob]

My 4th grade daughter was recently bullied and it was of a sexual nature.  (Butt getting fondled by classmate)  Nothing was really happening till I called it Sexual harassment/assault and then it was immediately addressed.

I only reference this because I am of the opinion that unwanted physical contact, to include hitting, in a sexual area could be considered sexual assault.  She might get more milage if she calls the school regarding sexual assault than she has been for bullying.

[thyme4change]

If the situation is physical, the answer is not physical. Not as an adult and most certainly not in high school.  If a girl is physically attacking a boy at school, then there are other answers.  If it is happening outside of school, then, yes, the boy should leave.  Why should he HAVE to?  Well, because otherwise he is going to arrested for attacking the girl.  It is just the way it works now.  Is it right?  No!  But, I'm going to teach my son about reality.  If you punch someone under any circumstances, there is a chance you will be arrested for it.  Welcome to America.

[thyme4change]

I feel really bad for your nephew.  But I also feel bad for this little girl.  She clearly has problems and her parents aren't addressing them.  This will pass for the person being bullied, but this girl has to live with her messed up childhood forever.  This is not the last of her problems, for sure.

[973beachbum]

Mar 28, 2013 10:57:41 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

So it's not ok for a guy who's 6'2" 225 lbs to hit a 120 lb woman, but nor is it ok for him to hit a 120 lb man.

OK, so what is that 6'2 guy suppose to do if that 120lb woman or man keeps hitting him or throw things at him?  Sometimes size really does not matter........

Call the police and have her arrested.  Personally if my kid was getting kicked, punched and rocks thrown at them I would also call the police and press charges not only on the little girl but on the school and it's employees who were supposed to be protecting my child when it happened.

Where were all the teachers and staff when this was happening?  How the heck could they possibly not notice a group of kids throwning rocks at another student  

[hoops902]

Mar 28, 2013 10:57:41 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

So it's not ok for a guy who's 6'2" 225 lbs to hit a 120 lb woman, but nor is it ok for him to hit a 120 lb man.

OK, so what is that 6'2 guy suppose to do if that 120lb woman or man keeps hitting him or throw things at him?  Sometimes size really does not matter........

Personally, I'm ok with him slapping her/him across the room.  But I think if some people want to draw lines based on size it can be reasonable.  We can say to draw the line based on the threat presented, but I think that's already kind of hte law.  You can defend yourself, which takes threat into account.

[Phoenix84]

Personally, I always subscribed to the idea that it's not okay for anyone to hit anyone. 

But I also think everyone has the right to defend themselves, regardless of the genders involved. 

So yes, I think it's okay for a man to hit a woman back if she hits him and feels threatened. 

It is concerning how domestic violence isn't taken as seriously as when men are involved.  I've even seen comments here on this message board making light of domestic violence against men. 

[Phoenix84]

Mar 28, 2013 10:57:41 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

So it's not ok for a guy who's 6'2" 225 lbs to hit a 120 lb woman, but nor is it ok for him to hit a 120 lb man.

OK, so what is that 6'2 guy suppose to do if that 120lb woman or man keeps hitting him or throw things at him?  Sometimes size really does not matter........

Or what if this woman is attacking you with a baseball bat, or a golf club, or a knife, or a gun? 

There's nothing wrong with knowing that if you hit someone you might go to jail over, but sometims that's preferable to the altnerative. 

[zibazinski]

But this girl is bigger than he is. You can rest assured he isn't the first kid she has bullied and he won't be the last. DD was bullied and I refused to let her be victimized the way I was. The girl was HUGE compared to her, hell, she was HUGE compared to me, but DD went after her when she started up harassing her again, and when they both got in trouble-of course- I was right there saying if you suspend my child, I'm suing and I would have, employee or not. Her suspension and write up just "disappeared."

[thyme4change]

Certainly if there is an obvious physical abuse situation going on at school involving my child, I will make the school take responsibility for it.  

[Sum Dum Gai]

I've told my kids since they started kindergarten that they have in inherent human right to defend themselves from physical attack.  If I find out that they put their hands on another kid first my punishment will be far more severe than whatever wrist slap the school doles out, but if anybody male or female puts their hands on them they have my full and complete blessing to beating the ever loving shit out of the person in question.  I would have given the exact same message to sons if I'd had them.

I don't hit women, but I'd knock the shit out of a bitch that attacked me first.

[whoami]

I found myself in this situation with my son when he was in 7th grade. Long story short, she ended up in juvenile court for assault and did a long stint at the alternative school. 

You touch my kid...you deal with me. 

[whoisjohngalt]

Mar 28, 2013 11:36:34 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

If the situation is physical, the answer is not physical. Not as an adult and most certainly not in high school.  If a girl is physically attacking a boy at school, then there are other answers.  If it is happening outside of school, then, yes, the boy should leave.  Why should he HAVE to?  Well, because otherwise he is going to arrested for attacking the girl.  It is just the way it works now.  Is it right?  No!  But, I'm going to teach my son about reality.  If you punch someone under any circumstances, there is a chance you will be arrested for it.  Welcome to America.

Yep, there is that.  I get it.  The problem is that while I understand the realities of today's america, I don't know how to reconcile that with my internal views and believes. 

[Abby Normal]

I think needanewjob has the right idea.  I would go to the principal and ask what the punishment would be for

    a larger boy, picking on/ throwing rocks a  girl 

    a boy hitting the breast or vaginal area of a girl-


 Any less for this girl would be discrimination in my opinion and I would take it to the school board, if I didn't see it stopping immediately.

[plugginaway22]

My son was in 3rd grade and a 5th grade girl was bullying him on the bus, hitting him with her backpack, etc.  I started with the bus driver, who moved the seat for her to the front.  When it happened again, I found out where she lived and went right to the door of the house.  It turned out to be a sad situation where she was living with grandparents and really struggling.  We had a nice conversation, they said they would speak to her, and it never happened again.  She even handed my son a note that she wrote, apologizing for hitting him.

Now that he is 19, it has become the family joke.  'Remember when that girl kept beating you up?'  We all still laugh about it, but things like that need to be addressed in short order.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

So, just some thoughts from a teacher/principal.
Teacher thoughts: it really is impossible for us to see absolutley everything.
Second, true bullies are skilled at doing stuff without it being seen by adults.
Third, sometimes teachers are human beings,  and they might mis-read a situation.

Principal thoughts:
This might be the first time a parent has actually complained about the girl.
Based on that first thought: There's this thing called "progressive" discipline. The theory is--unless a student has broken the law--the first time something is reported the punishment is the least severe. Then the second time the student is caught doing something against the rules, the punishment gets stepped up a bit. And up again, and again.
Punishments don't come in one-size fits all packages--mostly because sometimes students are human and humans don't come in one-size fits all packages.
Last, and most unlikely, a kid on an IEP for behavioral disorder/disability cannot be punished for demonstrating behavior that is caused by the disability. I say most unlikely because at second grade, most kids are not Sped Identified.  You can threaten to sue me all you want, I won't break federal law for you and your threat. I say that as a parent who would bring up a law suit if I didn't know the law.
The principal is also not supposed to discuss discipline of another student with other parents. That can become a lawsuit from the parents of the kid who has been disciplined.
The lawsuit thing is tricky. I honestly don't put much stock in such threats because I reflect on my choices and do one of two things: I change my mind because I realize I was wrong--damn human being that I am-- or I recognize that I made a decision that fits with my convictions and I stay with my decision. I don't understand people who are so adversarial with public school staff. If you hate public schools so much, you don't have to take your kid there. Most of us really are trying to do a good job. Anyway, please don't assume that the principal is a slacker. Principals are also sometimes human. It's not an easy job. Don't assume you know how it works.

Back to the original question: What would I do as a PARENT if my kid was in that situation.
First, I would teach my kid who I wanted him to behave. Have you told him it's okay for him to say "stop"? I know that seems silly, but you'd be surprised at how many times a kid thinks it will cause more problems if they tell the bully to stop. But, that has to be the first step.
Then, your son must go tell an adult. The school staff cannot do anything if they don't know about it. And, truly, it's impossible to see everything. I would also have my kid write down what happens. It's good practice for writing, and it's good to show the consistency of the story.

Then, I'd be emailing what my kid writes to the teacher.
I'd email because I'd want the documentation of how many times I asked the teacher for help. If the teacher didn't respond in a way I'd appreciate--which would include something to the effect of "we'll make sure we keep those two separated at all times--then I'd go back to the principal. If the staff did make that type of promise and then didn't follow through, then I'd go to the principal.
If the principal really isn't helping, then by all means I'd move up the chain. I try to remember the difference between "help" and "only taking my side". If the principal starts bashing other students or staff members in front of me, that's also disrespectful and I wouldn't want the school staff to talk about me that way.


Anyway...good luck. Mean kids aren't fun for anyone to deal with--parents and school staff alike.

[formerroomate99]

Oh boy, I hope I don't have to deal with this.  My boys are both going to be well over 6' when they grow up, and I want to reinforce as much as possible the "Don't hit women" rule.