Jealousy!

[Deleted]

While the obvious question is : are you the jealous type when it comes to finances? Have you ever been jealous of other financial success?

But I would also like to know how have you thought or plan on teaching your kids not to be jealous.

Why?

My wife has this cousin that is the jealous. Everyone knows it but everyone just brush it under the rug as it is Just X, we expect that from her. I think it is odd and weird.

She goes into those drama/crying/being sad about something when someone has it better than her. And this is girl is like 31 or 33 so not a kid.

She is single, still living at home and while in adult she is basically a grown child in my opinion. The most recent episode is one of her cousin purchase a brand new car with his girlfriend.

That upset her because now she doesn't have a car and is sad /crying. She asked her mom to buy her a car, or refinance the house to pay off her student loans and buy her a car.

Her mom purchased a brand new Nissan for her a couple years back and she totaled it. She kept the 11k (I though it was 8k) she got back for herself and did not purchase anew car because she felt she did not have a job and could not afford the payments ... That is after I said: you know you could have a gently use car for less than 10k right?

Anyway that has been 3 years or so. Seems she cried when my wife got married, 2 other cousins got married, 2 had kids etc. and same for her friends.

My wife said while it easy for me to say she needs to grow the fuck up
(Exactly what I said) the cousin is sad because she sees all her friends/cousins moving on with their life while she is stuck: still living at home, no boyfriend/husband, still dependent on her parents and no full time jobs. And she blames her mom for it because she feels her mom handicapped her.

It seems her mom is already paying back one of her student loans for her; and she told her: X, if I give you everything, what will I have left when I am old? Or what am I going to be able to leave for your sister?

X has an older sister but they are total opposite, like they are not even related just happen to look alike. X sister is a corporate lawyer doing well for heralded with a husband and 3 sons. She is one f the happiest person I know, doesn't seem to have a jealous bone in her body and just genuinely happy for others success or major life events.

I guess X is not unhappy for you, but while she is Happy for you it also makes her sad because that is one more thing she doesn't have or make her realize that is something she doesn't have.

So how has a parent you do not fuck up your kid that bad? How does one sibling turns out so different from another? How can you teach your kids to be happy about their own life while still unaffected by others and celebrate their success/major life events.

Seriously I feel no matter how you dice it I am destined to fuck up any kids I have

[KaraBoo]

Your last sentence is spot on!  

DH and I have 4 kids between us and every one of them is different.  We have tried to teach each of them that they have to work hard in life for what they want and that has tended to stick (to a point).

Except for the youngest girl.  I swear, I don't know where she's gotten her attitude.  When she was much younger (12 now, so 6 or 7), she would tell us that she was going to marry someone rich because she didn't want to have to work.  Now that she's older, she wants designer cloths, period, clearance rack stuff isn't good enough for her (no, we don't give in).  When driving around, she's pointing out the Cadalliacs and how those are the best vehicles out there, everything else is horrible and she won't be caught dead in one.  She tels us our house is horrible and our vehicles are embarrasing and she's never owning anything like what we have.  It's crazy!!

What's crazier is what we have is 10 times better than what her mom has - living in a broken down trailer house, driving horrible vehicles that are always breaking down and wearing cloths that should have been thrown out years ago.  She never makes the same comments to her mom and when I've called her out on it, her response has been "because my mom can't afford anything better".  

But she thinks we can?  

[Deleted]

And for point of reference she is the one I posted about a couple of years back about wanting to slap.

I suggested that maybe she might consider working at the bakery with her parents and maybe even take it over since they are getting old.

She answered that she did not go to school to work at a bakery. That she has a masters degree and that was beneath her.

Her parents were seating right there, that bakery bought the house she grew up in and still lives in rent free, put her through private school, paid some of her college, bought her a brand new car that she totaled yet it was beneath her to work there.

She went to school to become a teacher. I got news for her, I have 2 people working for me part time that went to school to become teachers and both of them like her has masters degree (is that the new requirement now for teachers?)

They try to substitute during the day and are only available during evenings. Some weeks are good were they substitute all 5 days ( MA is $70/day) and some weeks nothing.

They have no issue stocking shelves at a grocery store because they got bills to pay and they need to make ends meet. Yes I wanted to slap her!

[grits]

Your in-laws need to stop enabling her.  That is the part where they fail.  They need to learn to practice tough love.  Give her an ultimatum, you must have a job of some sort by X date or you are out of the house.  You must pay off your own student loans, and start making a contribution to the family.  If they don't, she'll be like my sister.  Sister has two college degrees, 56 yrs old,  doesn't want to work period, and is now in a panic because dad could die any moment now.  She has already been told that there is no way in Hell  she can live with me.   When she runs through her inheritance, she'll but up sewage creek.

[swamp]

Sounds like,her parents should have slapped her years ago. 

[quince]

I am not the jealous type, but I think it's perfectly fine to be jealous- just shut the fuck up about it. Don't whine about it, don't act like you deserve what other people have, because the universe doesn't care what you deserve.

So while I hope to expose my kids to many different aspects of life, so they can understand their fortune, I mostly hope to impart the message that if you see something someone else has that you want, figure out a way to work yourself into a position to where you can get it for yourself, and quit your bitching.

Live by example? Don't know. You can't control everything that goes into a child- they start with their own template, and parents are not the only influence a child has. Do your best and cross your fingers.

[grits]

Mar 10, 2013 10:09:27 GMT -5 swamp said:

Sounds like,her parents should have slapped her years ago. 

Someone should have slapped the parents too. 

[Nazgul Girl]

   I think that being jealous of someone else's good fortune or hard work and savings shows a lack class, if you talk about it.   Of course, I'd like to live in a villa on the French coast and have weekend trips to Monaco, but it's not happening, so I just have to make the best of what I have.   And, fortunately, I have quite a lot.   My DH and I worked, saved, and invested, with the help of some inheritances that our loved ones left us.   We didn't blow the money.   He had to fight for his inheritance because of the evil ex-attorney who sued him for years, because, she was jealous of what he had gotten.  

   I am not jealous of others' success.   I try to maximize my own success.   I am happy for others having success if they came by it honestly.   If you are a drug dealer, no I am not jealous of your ill-gotten gains.   I was never jealous of my brother and sister for being more successful than I was when I was younger, because I did not want them to go through the financial difficulties that I went through.  

   If your cousin wants to be "rich", she needs to get up off her hiney, start working, investing and saving, and quit whining.   The energy she puts into whining and drama makes her look sick and weak, and drains her from being able to do more constructive things with her life.

[busymom]

Mar 10, 2013 13:07:54 GMT -5 Nazgul Girl said:

   I think that being jealous of someone else's good fortune or hard work and savings shows a lack class, if you talk about it.   Of course, I'd like to live in a villa on the French coast and have weekend trips to Monaco, but it's not happening, so I just have to make the best of what I have.   And, fortunately, I have quite a lot.   My DH and I worked, saved, and invested, with the help of some inheritances that our loved ones left us.   We didn't blow the money.   He had to fight for his inheritance because of the evil ex-attorney who sued him for years, because, she was jealous of what he had gotten.  

   I am not jealous of others' success.   I try to maximize my own success.   I am happy for others having success if they came by it honestly.   If you are a drug dealer, no I am not jealous of your ill-gotten gains.   I was never jealous of my brother and sister for being more successful than I was when I was younger, because I did not want them to go through the financial difficulties that I went through.  

   If your cousin wants to be "rich", she needs to get up off her hiney, start working, investing and saving, and quit whining.   The energy she puts into whining and drama makes her look sick and weak, and drains her from being able to do more constructive things with her life.

[busymom]

I think what jealousy "should" do, is get you off your butt & try to do better.  For some folks 'tho, it doesn't work that way.  Maybe wallowing in self-pity is more fun?!? 

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

While I am not always successful at it, I try to be more "inspired" by the success of others, than "jealous" of it.

[susanb]

I believe that being around people who are more successful than I am helps me learn about success, so I feel grateful for that opportunity rather than jealous.

However, I do sometimes feel jealous of people who make the same or less money than I do, but seem to be living the life.  Using the rational part of my brain, I understand that I am prioritizing my future self and security in a way that they are not, but sometimes I just want to blow my money on X, Y, or Z too. 

I also get jealous of women who are/were or could be models. 

[Deleted]

Mar 10, 2013 13:49:02 GMT -5 midjd said:

While the obvious question is : are you the jealous type when it comes to finances? Have you ever been jealous of other financial success?

But I would also like to know how have you thought or plan on teaching your kids not to be jealous.

I try not to be, but it happens sometimes. I have to admit I'm a little jealous that your MIL is helping pay your wife's student loans.

I am jealous too, I called my mom and told her she needed to step up her game

[DVM gone riding]

it starts with never having conversations in front of (or even in your thoughts) that Karaboo described--I realize Karaboo is telling us what the youngest says--but you hear parents saying things like that too putting down other people for how they dress or drive etc etc.  Then I suppose making sure they aren't watching things like Jersey shore.  Then building a good work ethic.

I bet her parents never made her work in the bakery or help out at home cause "she is the little one/we can do better for our kids they don't need to 'work' for us" type of attitude and maybe the older didn't get that cause maybe they DID need her. I was working with/for my parents at 8!  I also had chores now of course I gave my mom a lot of attitude as I got older about work but the habits where still there.

[bookkeeper]

I too try to learn from successful people rather than let jealousy take root.   When you take the time to really listen to the success stories, you start to understand that successful people work long and hard to accomplish what they have.  It's easy to be jealous of the success, it is much harder to be jealous of the long hours someone put in to achieve that success.

On the flip side, one should never assume that money or posessions constitutes a success.  You never know for sure who is one payment away from a reposession or foreclosure.

When I worked in banking, it was always the individuals in bib overalls and dirty shoes that drove a 10 year old car that wanted to buy jumbo cd's.  The well dressed people with new cars and beautiful homes usually wanted a loan to buy whatever was next on their list of posessions.

[raeoflyte]

I get jealous but its a reflection of my own frustrations on where I wanted/expected to be compared to where I am.

We have a few friends who we know there income is lower than ours but they live a much more styling lifestyle (which isn't too tough). That is a little more complicated since I wouldn't trade our savings and insurance choices, but I'd really like some parts of they're lifestyle too.

[Deleted]

I am jealous of people that get things handed to them and don't have to work for it.

But on the other hand, I would not want to be in that situation and be dependent on others.

So . . . I am jealous but wouldn't want to be them. Does that make sense?

[Jaguar]

I'm always inspired by other people's success and I am truly happy for them, but then I care about the energy that I put out.

[whoami]

Mar 10, 2013 19:34:48 GMT -5 @bluester said:

I am jealous of people that get things handed to them and don't have to work for it.

But on the other hand, I would not want to be in that situation and be dependent on others.

So . . . I am jealous but wouldn't want to be them. Does that make sense?

I get it. MIL has offered SIL cash for various things which she continually turns down. I am not "jealous" per say, but I do think its BS that she offers it to SIL and not DH who she thinks is "rich". I wouldnt want a penny from her, because everything comes with strings attached but regardless of her intentions or the need or lack thereof of the money she waves around, I dont think she realizes at all how it comes across that she continues to buy off SIL but not DH.  I do think its hilarious that SIL says NO, which really pisses off MIL.  

[8 Bit WWBG]

I plan on teaching my kids not to be jealous by only having imaginary kids.

The next time you talk to this cousin, you should work in the bit about having 2 employees who have masters and want to be teachers!  Have a camera ready to snap the look on her face.

I think some people are programmed in such a way that they are incapable of being happy.  Everything they get is too little, too late.  They will never be satisfied with what they have, and they will wake up one day and realize that life has passed them by.

[motherto2]

I am not jealous of what others have, although I wouldn't mind having some of it for myself .  I have worked hard for over 30 years, and I worked myself up through the ranks, not achieving my level of success until my mid thirties or more.  Then I see the younguns who come in and get the same level in literally four years, and they haven't put in the time or the expierience to get there.  They are now at a level and have absolutely no experience to back it up.  In a way, I actually feel that it's a disservice to them, because they would have a hard time going to another agency/company.  But, I'm very proud of what I have achieved, and I feel blessed every day.

But then, I was up near Baltimore yesterday, and went to one of the local malls.  Now that's some money up there.  Biggest mall I've been to in my life, and pretty sure most of the kids there had way more expensive clothes on than my whole family put together .

Carl, the reason your wife's cousin is in the boat she's in, is because she's a whining diva.  Most men go running as fast as they can from something like that.  She needs' to go on Gail Voz Oxlade's (sorry, I know I just butchered the spelling of her name) show Princess.

[whoisjohngalt]

OK, so may be I don't understand the word "jealousy", but I am jealous of tons of things.
 I am jealous of creative people - you know, the ones who will take a tissue and a Popsicle stick and will create some kind of masterpiece that will entertain their children for hours.
 I am jealous of people who are not afraid to take risks.
 I am jealous of people who "got it" when it comes to certain business/financial decisions - the kind of stuff that you can't teach or can't learn no matter how hard you try or how much time you spend on things.

Things like that.  I don't wish those people bad.  But I do wish that I had those qualities.  

As far as teaching my kids - well, my opinion is that there are some things that "you" just won't master and that's OK.  My DH, however, thinks that with hard work and if you want it badly enough - "you" can accomplish anything.  I think it's BS, so I hope with our opposite views we don't screw up bambinos too much. 

ETA:  oh and I can't think of an instance when I was jealous of things, but that's not bc I am oh so mighty, it's just I am not into "things".  I am jealous of people who can travel whenever and wherever they want to

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Mar 10, 2013 19:18:58 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

I too try to learn from successful people rather than let jealousy take root.   When you take the time to really listen to the success stories, you start to understand that successful people work long and hard to accomplish what they have.  It's easy to be jealous of the success, it is much harder to be jealous of the long hours someone put in to achieve that success.

On the flip side, one should never assume that money or posessions constitutes a success.  You never know for sure who is one payment away from a reposession or foreclosure.

When I worked in banking, it was always the individuals in bib overalls and dirty shoes that drove a 10 year old car that wanted to buy jumbo cd's.  The well dressed people with new cars and beautiful homes usually wanted a loan to buy whatever was next on their list of posessions.

I am jealous of folks who have their parents and in-laws around and healthy enough to share holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, kids' school events, kids' sports, emergency childcare, occasional sleepovers, etc.

My parents were gone by the time ODS was 5.  DH's mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's before we got married.  DH's father is a good man, but spent 10 years caring for MIL until she died 5 years ago.

If any of those folks were still around, I'd let them keep all of their money.  I'd feel rich just in their presence in my life and in my kids' lives.  

Some people will never know how good they really have it.  

[Deleted]

I'm not sure it is jealousy, but i used to wonder what I was doing wrong that I didn't have the same level of "stuff" that others had.  I guess it turns out that the outward showy stuff isn't what is of value to me.  I also didn't lose any of my stuff in the economic downturn. It seems that many people were heavily leveraged or burned through inheritances to appear wealthy.  

Sounds like the adult child in question has an entitlement mentality & it radiates out of her like a beacon since she hasn't 'landed her man' to get there yet :-)

[Otto the Orange]

Mar 10, 2013 10:09:27 GMT -5 swamp said:

Sounds like,her parents should have slapped her years ago. 

Child abuse

[Deleted]

I was watching some Hawaii house hunters type program yesterday and the couple were looking at 1.5mil and up houses.  I was jealous at the location.  The houses weren't massive for that price - about 3000 sq ft.  I was also jealous they could retire there in their late 40's.  I could see us able to afford something like that in 10 years, but only if we still were working.  Jobs on the islands are very specialized.

[Deleted]

What's crazier is what we have is 10 times better than what her mom has - living in a broken down trailer house, driving horrible vehicles that are always breaking down and wearing cloths that should have been thrown out years ago. She never makes the same comments to her mom and when I've called her out on it, her response has been "because my mom can't afford anything better".

But she thinks we can?

She probably feels awful for her mom.  Does she live with her part-time?  I got teased horribly as a kid because my clothes didn't fit, the beater car, the funky house.  It definitely made me want to have nicer things as an adult.

I do get jealous but I get over it quickly.

[Bluerobin]

Bout time her parents stopped enabling her!!!

[thyme4change]

I'm totally jealous.  But, I handle it in an adult-ish way.  We were at a party with a couple we know, and he was saying how jealous he was of us, because we have money in the bank, and no debt, etc.  And we laughed and said we were jealous of them because they are always traveling and going out to eat, and have tickets to a bunch of different events, etc.  We have both made our life choices, and picked our sacrifices, and we all mourn the possibilities of the choices not taken.  It really wasn't a wake up call for either of us.  Just an acknowledgement that even with two working people in successful careers, there are limits.

[lynnerself]

When we were first starting out I would occasionally get jealous of people who could do some of the things we could not afford.
Not so much now.

Now we are mainly jealous of those who are retired (and can do things we dont have time for.)