Why Toddlers are Prone to Tantrums

[Peace Of Mind]

Parents - It's not your fault when they meltdown!  Although I think teenagers should be included in this.     link

"The toddler life is not actually as cushy as it seems. Sure, I’d like 12 hours of sleep a night and all my meals prepared for me, thanks. But 2-year-olds are also going through a hellish personal crisis: They have just learned how to walk and use tools, so they really want to explore the world; at the same time, they are terrified of what that world contains and constantly fearful that their parents, whom they love and trust to a terrifying degree, will suddenly abandon them. Oh, and those same parents? They’re suddenly barking “no” all the time, seemingly just for fun. What the hell?

It’s no coincidence that kids start having tantrums around the time that parents start enforcing rules. When you say no, sweetie, you can’t have that butcher knife, your 20-month-old has no idea that you are depriving her of this awesomely shiny contraption for her own safety. “Since it’s the parent, whom they rely on for everything, who is taking it away, it’s perceived as a withdrawal of love, essentially,” says Alicia Lieberman, a professor of Infant Mental Health at the University of California-San Francisco and author of The Emotional Life of the Toddler. “They don’t know your reasoning. They just know that something they were getting great pleasure from, all of a sudden, you are taking away.” The pain that this causes, Lieberman says, is similar to what we might feel if our spouse betrays or cheats on us.

As adults, we (usually) don’t (audibly) freak out when we don’t get what we want or when somebody makes us mad because we can talk ourselves down. We can identify and label the emotion we’re feeling, which, research suggests, goes a long way toward quelling and controlling it. Our ability to label feelings stems in part from our excellent language skills, which young toddlers don’t have yet. Also thanks to language, as adults we can confront the people who are upsetting us and suggest solutions. My 22-month-old, though now very adept at informing me of his need for milk, doesn’t manage complex negotiations so well. His first response to frustration is generally to grab the nearest object and throw it across the room, which makes sense considering that his gross motor skills are among his strongest assets. If the only tool you have is an arm, you tend to see every problem as a potential projectile."

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Especially as it relates to teenagers whose frontal lobes go on vacation for a few years and therefore they lose all sense of reason, humor, communication abilities, etc.  

Sigh.

I hear they regain their frontal lobe function around the age of 25 or so...

[motherto2]

I wonder how much it cost us for them to figure all that out?  I could have told them that for free

[alabamagal]

My son was a tantrum thrower from age 3-4. The funny thing is that he was the calmest teenager.....

Just got it all out of his system.

[Deleted]

most of DS's tantrums arise because of fatigue or hunger.  He is a MONSTER when he's hungry or tired.  Other than that, it's pretty easy to redirect his attention.

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

Mar 7, 2013 10:35:37 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

most of DS's tantrums arise because of fatigue or hunger.  He is a MONSTER when he's hungry or tired.  Other than that, it's pretty easy to redirect his attention.

Yep. I would say that 90% or more of a toddler's mood is influenced not by their immediate circumstances- hot, cold, tv, books, toys, mom, dad, siblings, friends- but by hunger and fatigue.  We have found that kids are NOT necessarily good self-regulators.  My son is better than my daughter (and always has been) at detecting and communicating a need to eat or sleep- but we have found that as the adults we have to stay tuned into their schedule and remain conscious of when was the last time they ate, and what was it?  What activities are they doing that might impact their need for food or hydration?  And we have to create routines around food and sleep so much of this is on autopilot, but you can't just up and forget it, or you will PAY.

[swamp]

My son is better than my daughter (and always has been) at detecting and communicating a need to eat or sleep- but we have found that as the adults we have to stay tuned into their schedule and remain conscious of when was the last time they ate, and what was it? What activities are they doing that might impact their need for food or hydration? And we have to create routines around food and sleep so much of this is on autopilot, but you can't just up and forget it, or you will PAY. 

If DD gets off kilter, damn it's ugly. 

[Opti]

Perhaps we have different definitions but I would put hunger and fatigue as immediate circumstances. I suppose you could differentiate between external and internal circumstances. Adults are influenced by the same internal immediate circumstances too.
People of all ages get crabby if they wait too long between meals.

[swamp]

People of all ages get crabby if they wait too long between meals

Yes, but I've never been known to throw myself on the floor and scream. 

[Deleted]

<<picks herself up off the floor, wipes her eyes, and heads for the snack machine>>

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

Mar 7, 2013 11:11:33 GMT -5 Opti said:

Perhaps we have different definitions but I would put hunger and fatigue as immediate circumstances. I suppose you could differentiate between external and internal circumstances. Adults are influenced by the same internal immediate circumstances too.
People of all ages get crabby if they wait too long between meals.

The difference is that we (most of us) can identify what's happening, and reason with ourselves.  We also have access to information, and we know what it means.  When a three year old is hungry, she may not realize right off that's why she's off kilter.  Even if she does know she's hungry, she may not know, or be able to interpret it if she does, something like: well, it's only going to be five more minutes before food is ready.  I know this- by the time my DD is hangry- we're doomed.