Cleaning up your spouse's financial mess

[susanb]

First, let me say that DH and I are on the same page financially 90+% of the the time.  We are both savers and I am really grateful that.

However, he has never been good at details.  Before we met, his house was a bachelor pad and he often didn't pay his bills on time (because he didn't open the mail, not because he didn't have the money).  I have spent so much time in the last five years cleaning up our house and his finances/credit.  I thought I was done. 

Over the weekend, I looked up our house on our county's RE site and found out that we have 4 liens on our property.  They are all for bills that have been paid in full, so it is just a matter of sending paperwork requesting that the liens be removed, but we have been married for 5 years and I am tired of cleaning up the messes he made before we even met. 

Does anyone else here clean up after their spouse's financially irreponsible behavior?

Do you get tired of it?

[raeoflyte]

So, so tired of it. Dh is much better now or I really don't know what I'd do.

I hope removing the liens will be as quick and painless as possible.

[Deleted]

Is your DH related to mine?    When he was on his own he routinely got the power and water turned off due to not paying the bills.  He paid 25% interest plus late fees on a Sears card because he was too lazy to pay the bill even though he could pay it off in full.

He's also really bad about getting his car registered so a few months ago he got a ticket that cost more than the cost of registration.  When I was going through his mortgage refinancing paperwork from 2002 I found a check for several hundred dollars he never cashed because he didn't look through it.

I get tired of having to poke and prod DH to do things only he can do like deal with certain financial accounts.  The rest of the time I'm ok with it.

[milee]

Yes and yes.

[milee]

After 23 years of it, I'm exhausted and infuriated.  Not a good combination.

Just as you described, none of the issues arise because we don't have the money - they all arise because DH is too lazy or just doesn't want to deal with certain things.  Not only that, but by the time I discover them, they take hours and hours of my time and cost much more than they would have if they'd just been handled in the first place.

If he gets hit by lightning, I'm never, ever getting married or having a business partner again.  Too much work, too few benefits.  I'll just do all the work I'm doing now and have "friends" who then go home.  Same amount of fun, much less work. 

[Deleted]

Usually DH is pretty responsible but this weekend I drilled through all the excuses and finally found out that the reason we haven't closed out the German bank account is that DH doesn't know how to do it and doesn't want to deal with it. That's 10k which is the same amount that he's been hassling me over for the condo! !

[Deleted]

I'm the spender - she keeps me in check.

[Deleted]

My husband was horrible with finances before we met.  He was wise enough to hand over all that responsibility to me after we were married.

The only "lingering" thing is that his credit is bad from a bankruptcy in 2006, and we're having to play catch-up with his retirement accounts which I find annoying.  We'd be styling if he'd been saving this past 10-15 years, even if it was a minimal amount.  He's gotten his spending in check, but if I were to die tomorrow, it would all go to hell in the finances area.  I mean bad.

[muttleynfelix]

Fortunately, Hubby didn't have a mess when we met, but it was probably because he lived with his brother and his brother made sure to pay the bills on time and then nagged hubby for the money.  

It bugs me that I have to nag hubby to do things. We are trying to sell a tractor and some land surveying equipment. They should net us $5500 to $6k.  I have to nag hubby to get them listed. We can't sell them if people don't know they are for sale!

It also bothers me that I have to make the appt for the kids dr appt and things like that. He's the SAHP, why do I have to do all the scheduling.  We need to take DS to the dentist and I want DH to step up and do it, but I think I'm going to have to nag him into doing it.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Yes.  I’m so sick of it sometimes I think it’d be worth it to bump him off and collect the insurance money.  Then I have more money AND don’t have to deal with him!

It gets tiring having to be the responsible one.  My DH is so lazy he can’t even be bothered to log onto our account. He hasn’t logged on in YEARS and it is his go to excuse every time we have an issue “well you didn’t tell me how much money we have”.  Seriously?  It would take you five freaking seconds to look it up yourself.

I have all the bill crap cleaned up and I have restored his credit.  He was shocked to find out his score and I told him it’s because I actually pay your damn bills.

DH is also notorious for not getting his car registered.  I’ll do it and then he’ll never put the new sticker on.  I don’t know how he didn’t get caught for the entire YEAR he was driving around with expired tags.

Then he needed his registration when the insurance company totaled the truck.  He couldn’t find it and had the gall to accuse ME of taking it out of his truck and misplacing it!  I think the entire neighborhood heard me when I blew up at him over that.  

I love him but I am with Milee, if he goes before me I am NEVER EVER getting married again, it’s so not worth it.  

[Mardi Gras Audrey]

Are we all married to the same guy?  It is totally irritating.. I'm always coming home to find "last notices" for our utilities (DH is supposed to pay them because we live in what was his house before we married).     He has the money, just doesn't open the mail or deal with it (he has the $$). I've offered to pay the bills but he doesn't want me to (We are newly married and he "feels bad taking my money"  )

I went through some old mail a few months ago (he was using the cabinet under the stove as storage for important documents) and I wanted the space back.  Ended up being able to shred about 80% of the docs.  Found 5 checks worth ~$3k plus some car recall info.  Handed them to him and told him to deal with this stuff.  He hands me back the pile the next day and says he got the important stuff back and the rest can be shredded. I look through it and it still has the checks and other stuff in there. I mention "check" and he looks at we indicating that he has no clue what I'm talking about.  He "didn't see the checks" (There was only like 10 pieces of paper total in the pile. I almost hit him with the pile... don't lie to me and said you looked when you didn't 

[swamp]

there is a reason i handle the finances at my house.

[swamp]

Mar 4, 2013 21:59:30 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Mar 4, 2013 21:52:18 GMT -5 milee said:

After 23 years of it, I'm exhausted and infuriated.  Not a good combination.

Just as you described, none of the issues arise because we don't have the money - they all arise because DH is too lazy or just doesn't want to deal with certain things.  Not only that, but by the time I discover them, they take hours and hours of my time and cost much more than they would have if they'd just been handled in the first place.

If he gets hit by lightning, I'm never, ever getting married or having a business partner again.  Too much work, too few benefits.  I'll just do all the work I'm doing now and have "friends" who then go home.  Same amount of fun, much less work. 

Crap....taking that ring I got you back to the store

Back off, she's mine, beyotch.

[cael]

My DH was a financial disaster until he moved in with me (6yrs ago), then I forced him to clean up his act. I was a big old jerk and forced him to pay off his student loan that was in default (he felt great when he paid it off!), made him pay back some small older debts from credit cards etc., and last year made him get a secured credit card to try to help his credit score. He doesn't overdraw the bank account(s) anymore, he's more conscious of his spending than he used to be. Still isn't perfect, but I'll take it compared to how he used to be! Occasionally I complain to him that it'd be nice if he took on some of the bill paying responsibilities, but in reality I wouldn't let him, because I'm too much of a control freak and would worry that he wouldn't do it right... and he probably wouldn't In his defense, he also did a great job of saving and paying cash (in installments) for my engagement ring when he bought it!

[Cookies Galore]

Cael, it's such a relief to see someone else here shacked up with a SO who was in default of their student loans! Df is on a repayment plan now and will be back in good standing this summer. We're getting married in September, so it's close! Next step will be rebuilding his credit. Last year he finally started automatic transfers to a savings account. We do have a "joint" savings, but it's only in my name. Once all his shit is together illusion feel more secure with having a true joint account. I have to give him credit, he is making a good effort.

[cael]

I'm always glad to hear I'm not the only one too, lol! Yeah, DH's finances (and life in general) were in rough shape for a long time. He realized he did not want to be his mother or stepfather and decided he had to put some effort in, besides me harassing him all the time. There were times I literally made him hand his debit card over to me. He'd overdraw his account maybe every other week, it was ridiculous. Luckily that SL of his was for less than $1k and we paid it off in maybe 2ish years with the repayment program? I literally had to bring him to the bank and watch him get a money order, then mail it out for him. Been a long road, but it was worth it! We have a main joint checking account now and I keep an eye on it daily, which he knows. His only 'out of control' spending now is that he can't stop buying food at school

[Phoenix84]

I've done that a couple of times.  Forgot to open the mail and had to pay a bill late.  Doesn't happen that often (in fact, I don't think it's happened for at least a year), and it's never gotten so bad they turned anything off or put a lein on anything.  I think my latest was 2 weeks or so.  I have no long term issues, nor has my credit suffered.  I've never waited two years to cash a check, but I have forgotten about it for several months. 

And I am delinquint on renewing my vehicle registration by about three months.  Though it is annoying they make you do it every freaking year.  In fact, I mean to take care of that today. 

I do often forget to spend gift cards. 

[formerroomate99]

I'm a little bit absent minded myself, but the level of irresponsibility shown in the OP and other posts would be a dealbreaker for me.  Nothing against anybody's husbands or SO's, it is just my 'line in the sand'.  My mom married a financial train wreck who is a saint otherwise, and is still happy 20 years later.  DH was in debt when I met him, but he was paying it back himself and had taken steps to consolodate it all.  Had he been putting his head in the sand about it, I would have broken it off pretty quickly. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

 There were times I literally made him hand his debit card over to me. He'd overdraw his account maybe every other week, it was ridiculous<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

DH didn’t even have a debit card to our account for several years.  We finally got one because we moved to shifts where it was hard to pass around the card.

He still doesn’t have a PIN number for his card (his choice).  Yeah I know he could go into the bank but he HATES going into the bank and standing in line.  It’s the lure of putting your card in and the magic machine spits $20s at you that got him in trouble with the ATMs.   No PIN number broke that habit.

[Sam_2.0]

DH had no money when I met him and some debt (SLs). Broke college kid living with his parents working pt at the coffee shop. We got married right after he graduated and two days before he started his job. But he's always been good with money. I have no doubt that he would handle things just fine if something were to happen to me. I am just a bit of a control freak, though, and already had the system set up since I had the house long before I met him. Everything is on auto-pay and would take care of itself for a long time. I've asked if he wanted to take over paying all the bills and he has offered to do it on occasion, but when it comes time to make the switch I get too nervous & just keep it myself.

[susanb]

Mar 5, 2013 14:48:38 GMT -5 formerroomate99 said:

I'm a little bit absent minded myself, but the level of irresponsibility shown in the OP and other posts would be a dealbreaker for me.  Nothing against anybody's husbands or SO's, it is just my 'line in the sand'.  My mom married a financial train wreck who is a saint otherwise, and is still happy 20 years later.  DH was in debt when I met him, but he was paying it back himself and had taken steps to consolodate it all.  Had he been putting his head in the sand about it, I would have broken it off pretty quickly. 

My DH owed less than 3k when I met him.  He makes a good income and spends little.  For him, it is an organizational issue that spills over into his finances rather than a financial issue.  

We have never had to discuss spending because it isn't a problem for either of us. 

I wouldn't want to be married to someone who was a big spender, but I can deal with his organizational issues.  Like many others, I have just taken over all of the bills/finances for our home and business. 

BTW, I don't take what you said as anything against my DH.  I love him dearly, but I am sure a lot of women wouldn't want him for a lot of reasons.  A lot of men would feel the same about me. 

[swamp]

I wouldn't want to be married to someone who was a big spender, but I can deal with his organizational issues. Like many others, I have just taken over all of the bills/finances for our home and business.

DH had $60k of student loan debt when we married, and that's it.   Considering he incurred it for a job that paid 6 figures right out of school (pharmacist) it was well worth it. 

He is very debt adverse, so I don't worry about that, however, he would forget his head if it wasn't attached.

[milee]

Mar 5, 2013 10:50:14 GMT -5 swamp said:

Mar 4, 2013 21:59:30 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Crap....taking that ring I got you back to the store

Back off, she's mine, beyotch.

You guys are very sweet and when I'm old and living alone with my 27 cats and eating frosting from a can, I will fondly remember that at one point, someone thought I was a catch.   

[swamp]

You better share that frosting.

[Deleted]

are you eating it while getting a pedicure?

[Deleted]

my dw was in hock up to her eyebrows when we met

she divorced a great guy....who had absolutely no common sense when it came to money

we are both a bit scatterbrained at times.....but i have all the household bills come through my auto bill feature on my bank account

tells me how much...and when it is due

no paper to lose...no mail to open and forget where u put it

she pays for her car....and she pays for the upgrades on the house as we do projects

we got all her debt paid off....she still gets calls from the credit card companies that "he" hasnt paid off, but she no longer has any responsibility on them

[Wisconsin Beth]

Mar 5, 2013 15:55:37 GMT -5 swamp said:

You better share that frosting.

Damn straight.  And I don't mind the 27 cats, but I do NOT clean litter boxes anymore. 

[midjd]

Just get Firebird to teach the cats how to use a toilet.

[Firebird]

Mar 5, 2013 16:20:48 GMT -5 midjd said:

Just get Firebird to teach the cats how to use a toilet.

So disgusting, yet ultimately SO worth doing...

How do you tag someone, anyway?  That's a cool feature!

[Firebird]

Mar 4, 2013 20:17:01 GMT -5 susanb said:

Does anyone else here clean up after their spouse's financially irreponsible behavior?

Do you get tired of it?

Yes, and yes!  But since we've had Babybird, it's been much better.

It's easy to see why most couples divorce over money.  Like you, DH and I are on the same page 90% of the time.  We have identical priorities and we both agree that I should handle the money.  Yet it's still frustrating and difficult sometimes.

I should add that I've made just as many messes as DH has, but since I do handle the money, I can usually get it cleaned up before he notices   I do try to be pretty transparent, though.