Visitation or Funeral?

[alabamagal]

The son (25 year old) of our neighbors died on Tuesday night.  We have lived 2 doors down from this couple for 20 years, they are casual friends, would chat with them if we saw them, but never more than that.  Their youngest girl and our oldest girl were friends when they were younger.  We knew the girl pretty well but not her brothers (one of whom is the one who died).  Anyway Tuesday night there were 4 cop cars and the police crime scene tape around their yard. Based on what is in the obituary and what we know of the situation, it was suicide or drug od.   So they have visitation Sat evening and funeral service Sunday afternoon.

I think we will plan on going to the visitation, that way we can actually speak to the family/express condolences.

Thoughts?

[Chocolate Lover]

I'd do the visitation, I only do the funeral when it's family or some really close friend I should be there for.

[muttleynfelix]

Mar 1, 2013 16:37:18 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

I'd do the visitation, I only do the funeral when it's family or some really close friend I should be there for.

[Deleted]

Visitation. You'll be more comfortable with that and they very likely will be, too.

How sad, no matter the cause of death.

[vonna]

Mar 1, 2013 17:15:13 GMT -5 @missrigby said:

Visitation. You'll be more comfortable with that and they very likely will be, too.

How sad, no matter the cause of death.

[Tennesseer]

 X 2

[TheOtherMe]

I tend to only do the visitation unless it's somebody close to me--family or friend.  

[busymom]

It's unanimous!  I agree with visitation.  I don't go to funerals unless I knew the deceased personally.

[NastyWoman]

This must be cultural. Where I come from visitations are for family and very close friends only.  Funerals are more for everyone.  Just learned a new custom, so if the time ever comes I won't accidentally offend. 

[Nazgul Girl]

   I ususally only go to visitations unless it's a family member or a very, very close friend's relative.  Funerals are very difficult and I know that many times, the families are just grateful that acquaintances and casual friends come out for the visitations.

[Sharon]

Mar 1, 2013 22:55:38 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

This must be cultural. Where I come from visitations are for family and very close friends only.  Funerals are more for everyone.  Just learned a new custom, so if the time ever comes I won't accidentally offend. 

When I reading this thread I was wondering if it was cultural or regional.  In my area visitations are only for family or very close friends.

[wvugurl26]

In my experience visitations are for everyone and funerals are more for family and close friends. I guess it is regional/cultural.

[Works4me]

My BFF lost her adult daughter in August - totally unexpected accident - it has been amazing to me how much it meant to her that acquaintences cared enough to come. I think as neighbors what matters is that you show up and the visitation sounds like a good chance to talk with them. Also, be forewarned the deceased is often on display at the visitation.

GeorgiaGal - thank you for caring about your neighbors enough to ivercome your own discomfort and go.




As a career medical social worker, I have been to more funeral than you can imagine. Watching my BFF go through this has shown me how much it means to the bereaved when people come. Nice to know it really matters.

[Tennesseer]

Mar 1, 2013 23:08:49 GMT -5 Sharon said:

Mar 1, 2013 22:55:38 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

This must be cultural. Where I come from visitations are for family and very close friends only.  Funerals are more for everyone.  Just learned a new custom, so if the time ever comes I won't accidentally offend. 

When I reading this thread I was wondering if it was cultural or regional.  In my area visitations are only for family or very close friends.

I am originally from the northeast. As far back as I can remember (60 plus years), the 'wake' (as it was called back then up in the northeast) or visitation (as it is now called) was usually the day before the funeral. Wakes were for family, friends, neighbors, business associates, etc.

Where I live now (and probably everywhere), there is a small, semi-private visitation prior to the beginning of the funeral procession from the funeral home to the church for religious services. Or there is a small ceremony (religious or nonreligious) at the funeral home and then on to the cemetery.

So I wonder if there are different interpretations as to what a visitation actually is.

[Opti]

I mostly familar with the wake/visitation generally being a day or
so before the funeral. Sometimes I've seen them billed as viewings.
I agree with the general concensus. My favorite though is when people do memorial services instead(no casket, just pics and great stories). The cemetary part is usually left for close friends and family.

Occasionally I have seen wakes the day or two days before the funeral and a private viewing right before the funeral that is known to close family and friends. FWIW my experience is limited to parts of NJ, WI, and IL.

[Tennesseer]

Mar 2, 2013 9:57:10 GMT -5 Opti said:

I mostly familar with the wake/visitation generally being a day or
so before the funeral. Sometimes I've seen them billed as viewings.
I agree with the general concensus. My favorite though is when people do memorial services instead(no casket, just pics and great stories). The cemetary part is usually left for close friends and family.

Occasionally I have seen wakes the day or two days before the funeral and a private viewing right before the funeral that is known to close family and friends. FWIW my experience is limited to parts of NJ, WI, and IL.

The one 'wake' I couldn't understand was the one with empty caskets in the funeral home. While we small kids stayed in the car (it was safe to do so way back when), my mother stopped at a funeral home to pay respects to friends (a married couple) who had been killed (along with many others) in a commercial aircraft incident (the plane exploded during flight).

As there were no identifiable remains, how could there be caskets? Of course I would later understand the wake to be a memorial wake.

[973beachbum]

I would probably go to the veiwing only also.  Since you say they are your close neighbor I would also probably bring something food as soon as I heard.  This is assuming that doesn't mean going into a crime scene and that they are still at the house.    I remember when my Dad died when I was young.  People brought all sorts of food and dropped it off at the house.  We probably got way more than we needed but it was real nice to have it there when we wanted it and not have to even think about cooking ect.

In my family almost any event from death to birth is done with lots and lots of food.

[mrsdutt]

Mar 1, 2013 16:37:18 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

<abbr class="time" title="Mar 1, 2013 21:37:18 GMT" data-timestamp="1362173838000">Mar 1, 2013 21:37:18 GMT</abbr> Death by Chocolate said:I'd do the visitation, I only do the funeral when it's family or some really close friend I should be there for.

[alabamagal]

Thanks for all the replies!

We did the visitation yesterday. There were LOTS of people there. We got there 5 minutes after it started and had to wait for an hour to get to the front, and the line was just as long when we left. Not complaining though. We were glad that we went and got to speak to the family. Not planning on the funeral today. I think we will wait a week or so and then go visit them at their house.

[Shooby]

  Go and support the family.   They are in pain.   They will appreciate the fact that you took the time to be there to support them in a terrible time.  You don't have to be the best of friends with someone to support another in a time of great pain.  And, i think going to the visitation is great but if you feel inclined, do go the funeral as well.  It is just a few hours of your times and it helps another fellow human being in distress. 

[Shooby]

  And btw, i have found that there are many people who are very judgmental about suicides or overdose type of deaths.  And, sometimes the people they think will rally around them actually abandon them, so your support may mean more than you will ever know.

[moneymaven]

I also try to remind myself that grieving families need us well after the funerals and all the to do's are done. Perhaps offer to make them a meal or just stop by to say hello. The quiet times can be the hardest.

[Gardening Grandma]

Mar 3, 2013 10:07:12 GMT -5 Shooby said:

  Go and support the family.   They are in pain.   They will appreciate the fact that you took the time to be there to support them in a terrible time.  You don't have to be the best of friends with someone to support another in a time of great pain.  And, i think going to the visitation is great but if you feel inclined, do go the funeral as well.  It is just a few hours of your times and it helps another fellow human being in distress. 

I think it matters less which you go to.  The show of support is what matters to the family.  (Just went to a memorial yesterday.  I only met the deceased once, but he was the long term SO of a woman I worked with and care a lot about.  I wanted to show her my support.)