I Need To Share...

[Deleted]

I posted on my other thread about talking to my old friend back east.

My oldest son knows I have talked to him and that we were friends way back.  So, I explained to him that this person was important for a long time in my life, when I was young, and that I enjoy catching up and having him back in my life.

DS has been really weird and finally yesterday told me why.  I am so pissed off I can hardly contain myself, but I am making the effort...

Apparently before my late-DH died he told DS that he knew he was dying soon and that DS needed to know that I used to have this guy in my life, told him who and from where, and that this guy might show up in my life again after DH died and that while DS had to be okay with that, he also had to watch out for me and protect me from being hurt by him.

What a total and complete asshat thing to do. 

So, apparently, when my friend called me the other day and DS heard his name he freaked out because his father told him it was his job to protect me from my friend and he didn't know what he was supposed to do.

I guess the good thing is that DS and I have had some serious conversation, lasting multiple hours, and hashed out the real story behind this and DS now understands that was an incredibly inappropriate and asshat thing for his father to have said.  Nothing like being a post-death complete controlling douchecannoe!

[Deleted]

is it illegal to kick a tombstone?

[Deleted]

LOL

My thought last night was that if he was buried here, I would go there today and scream that he was an asshole. 

[Abby Normal]

What a horrible responsibility for him to place on your son! 

[thyme4change]

Maybe in some twisted way, he was being protective and loving towards you?  

[Tennesseer]

Good story line for a Lifetime or Hallmark TV movie.

Having said that, I hope you give your late DH a pass on this. Strange things may be said as you see your life slipping away.

[ihearyou2]

What is the back story here? Why would your husband have said that? Why would he think this guy would hurt you? You've left out a lot of the story here.

[thyme4change]

It is also weird that the husband knew this guy would magically return as soon as he found out about the death.  Was this dude just waiting in the wings for you?

[Phoenix84]

Sounds like you handled it well.  It sounds like your DS was given bad information by his Dad and he didn't know how to follow through.  Now that you've explained his dad was wrong, everything should be okay.  But I can certainly see why you'd be upset.  It was aweful for your husband to tell his son that and put that expectation on him.  Kids shouldn't be responsible for "protecting" their parents.   

You're an adult and capable of managing your own affairs and relationships. 

[Phoenix84]

Feb 27, 2013 14:32:54 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Good story line for a Lifetime or Hallmark TV movie.

Having said that, I hope you give your late DH a pass on this. Strange things may be said as you see your life slipping away.

I was thinking the same thing.  I'm no expert on the dying process, but I know when my grandfather was dying, he said and did some weird stuff.  There is a emotional process that goes on when someone is dying.  Some of it might be to do with the process of coming to terms with your mortality, the seven stages and all that, and some of it may be the sickness/medicine messing with your brain chemistry. 

[Deleted]

I guess I don't understand what was so bad about what he said. He told his son that he needed to be okay by this but he was worried this guy would hurt you. Is there information missing that is not mentioned in the OP that everybody knows about but me? I mean isn't it exactly how it happened? Your late-DH called it, you guys are back in touch. He told his son to accept this. I don't get it.

[Deleted]

Yes, I give LDH a pass and explained to my son that while that was a complete asshat thing to do as far as the "it's your job..." thing, but we all know LDH wasn't mentally stable in the end.  He was very clingy and insecure and that was basically our "irreconcilable difference" in life.

I met my friend back east on vacation with my parents.  I flew back east and stayed with is family multiple times while I was still in HS.  We hung out and did all that stuff you do with a guy when you are 16-18 years old. 

LDH knew I loved him.  But, we were teenagers... my friend was an 18 year old guy.  Not interested in settling down and neither was I at the time with him. 

When LDH and I got back together I had been back east fairly recently.  My east coast friend had a girlfriend at the time and it really wasn't a good situation for he and I.  So, I stayed on the west coast and LDH and I had an agreement that if we were getting back together it was forever and I wouldn't ever talk to my friend while we were married. 

I didn't talk to him again until a week or so.  While I fully admit to wondering about him, I knew he was involved with other women, had kids, and was living his life.  I wasn't interested in screwing with that, and he wasn't interested in screwing with my established life either.  Apparently my friend thought of me, I thought of him, but we both just led our lives.

My friend didn't contact me.  I contacted him when he recently showed up on FB.  I have been FB friends with his sister for a long time and I thought he was involved with someone.  He isn't.  I'm not.  We are adults now.

I have no idea what will happen in the future.  Maybe I will take a trip back east and we will hang out.  He has expressed an interested in coming to see me and lead a slower life outside the city.  But, we are both smart enough now to know how life really works and that it isn't a freaking romance novel.  We both have our share of crap in our lives so we are talking and having some fun from a distance.  And, GD it, I should be able to do that without dealing with past LDH crap...  that just ticks me off...

[midjd]

Is there information missing that is not mentioned in the OP that everybody knows about but me?

Past posts have indicated that GPG's husband was a hyper-controlling, possibly emotionally abusive mess - and at least as far as the old friend goes, her husband was the one who forced her to cut off contact with the friend many years ago, along with systematically isolating her from her other friends/family. I'd imagine his mindset behind this was to make it more difficult for her to possibly find happiness or renewed friendship after his death.

Based on her other posts, I highly doubt he was just trying to look after her.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Feb 27, 2013 14:33:25 GMT -5 ihearyou2 said:

What is the back story here? Why would your husband have said that? Why would he think this guy would hurt you? You've left out a lot of the story here.

This was my thought too....

[Deleted]

I second the notion that GPG is a grown woman capable of managing her own affairs without her son trying to "protect" her.  I also agree with Mid in that her LDH was an abusive prick, so his ability to judge whether someone might be good or bad news may have been less than stellar.

[Deleted]

Thanks.

Yes, LDH and I did have a very, very dysfunctional relationship. 

We had an agreement for the last 10 years or so of marriage to live as roommates - for the sake of raising our kids...

[ihearyou2]

Feb 27, 2013 17:11:34 GMT -5 @goldpanninggirl said:

Thanks.

Yes, LDH and I did have a very, very dysfunctional relationship. 

We had an agreement for the last 10 years or so of marriage to live as roommates - for the sake of raising our kids...

Did you go on vacations separately?

[Deleted]

I went on business trips occasionally with my mother...  That was "acceptable." 

However, my LDH suffered from "adult separation anxiety" and was never able to get it under control.  If I went anywhere he called me the whole time I was there... like many, many time.

[Tennesseer]

Feb 27, 2013 17:11:34 GMT -5 @goldpanninggirl said:

Thanks.

Yes, LDH and I did have a very, very dysfunctional relationship. 

We had an agreement for the last 10 years or so of marriage to live as roommates - for the sake of raising our kids...

For better or worse, you did your duty.  It's your time now to live your life as you see fit.  Enjoy yourself. 

[Deleted]

Yeah, if I had it to do over again, I would have left.  I now see the effects on not doing so in my kids.  But, we do what we can when we do it.

And, like I tell my kids, you have to LEARN from it or you are just destined to repeat the crap in your life.  And, who wants that?

[Phoenix84]

Feb 27, 2013 15:40:38 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Feb 27, 2013 14:33:25 GMT -5 ihearyou2 said:

What is the back story here? Why would your husband have said that? Why would he think this guy would hurt you? You've left out a lot of the story here.

This was my thought too....

Well, I may be wrong, but from what Shasta has posted, it sounds like there really isn't.  Her husband was simply jealous and overprotective.  Possibly emotionally abusive, don't know.  Some guys out there are just jealous and controlling.  The fact that he made her agree never to contact this guy while they were married says that about him. 

It is a sign of an abusive relationship where the abuser tries to cut off contact of the victem from family, friends, co workers, and the outside world. 

[Tennesseer]

These 'D' acronyms (DH, DW, DS, DD, DPGF (darling pet gold fish) can be confusing to readers.

It turns out in the case, DH wasn't so darling.  DH can also stand for 'Damn Husband' too. 

[Deleted]

Shasta, I think it is good that this came up because discussing it probably took a HUGE burden off your DS. There is NO way your late ex should have put the burden of that on a child, even a teen.

I think you are handling things VERY well. I think you may need to keep reminding your DSs that you really appreciate their input / help and you love them so much, but despite whatever their dad may have said to them, although he "probably meant well" (ahem), as an adult, you can handle "it". Because that's what being an adult means ... handling "it", whatever "it" may be.

Your sons are young men now. So this is a great opportunity to try to set up more "adult" relationships between all three of you. Easier said than done, I'm sure, but that's what I'd be working towards.

ETA: I don't like to speak ill of the dead. If I were you I'd go visit your friend the first time you see each other again. But if things work out (and I hope they do!) I'd encourage your friend to come and visit you. You have kids in the house? For Gd's sake, you're a woman, you're an adult, your (adult, or nearly adult) kids can live with it!

[Deleted]

That was a huge burden for your LDH to on your son.  DS' psychologist once warned me that things can become emotionally sticky between a single mother and an adult or near-adult son because he feels he has to be around to prop Mom up and can't get a life of his own.  One of the best things I ever did for DDS, although I didn't realize it at the time, was start dating the man who is now DH.  DS saw immediately that DH was stable and dependable, and that (DS) he was free to lead his own life because he didn't need to hover around Mom and protect her.

You need to send DS the clear message that you're in charge of yoru own life and as much as he loves you and worries about you, he's not responsible for your well-being.

[Deleted]

Debt - thanks for the feedback.  I really to appreciate everyone's comments.  It has been an insane week and I like to hear other people's views so I know what else might be an issue for my kids.

DS asked a lot of questions he had wondered about relationships and asked about why LDH and I fought all the time and didn't just fix it.  I explained the concept of "irreconcilable differences" and the fact that when you are 19 and marry someone 30 - this is part of what can likely happen.  LDH knew who he was and what he wanted.  I was a child who grew up in very abusive/alcoholic household, just like LDH did, and so we were attracted to each other's dysfunction.

All of this I discovered about myself and my relationship in my 30s.  Just when I had decided to leave, my LDH got sick and spent 3 months in the hospital.  Our sons were 5 and 7.  LDH never worked after that and required multiple hospitalizations a year for the next 10 years or so.  I ask how does one leave in that situation?  (obviously rhetorical!)

I chose to let my kids be raised by both of their parents.  I don't think it was a good decision, but it is what it is.  Can't change that now. 

I explain the above to DS with the concept that you have to learn from the crap that life deals to you.  What did I learn from our lives?  I learned what I will tolerate and what I won't from the people in my life.  I learned that I value being the same person in my head and in my relationships - or I don't have them with people, friends and relatives included.  And, I learned that I only want people in my life who add something to it.  None are negotiable.  Ever.

Along the conversation we also talked about being an adult and why when you live in my house you don't have to agree with what I do, but you have to respect me, my property and any visitors I choose to have in my house.  And, I explained that when you pay for your own house, then you get to make the rules and have a say...

My youngest is actually moving out in a week or two.  He wants to live in the town he works in.  It is cheap to rent here, so he is going to try that out.  I am fine with it.  He will be fine.  My oldest will then have my car and in the next month should be able to drive and work.

We also talked about the idea that people don't think he "is a loser" but rather that his relatives worry about him because if something happened to me he wouldn't be able to take care of himself.  And, I explained to him that while he might not like working, he needs to use that as motivation to figure out what he wants to do for a living, and to make some cash to support himself.  He actually agreed that he would be a much happier person working and meeting people.  Finally!  

I haven't decided if I will vacation in the east.  LOL.  I would love to.  And, I very well might.  But, I want to see how things go.  So far we have had some really honest conversations about our lives and it's been really cool to catch up.  I have been trying to reconnect with my inner 19 year old to help me figure out my life, and it's odd timing to feel like I am back there now.  Kinda cool though.

[Deleted]

Feb 27, 2013 21:17:50 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

That was a huge burden for your LDH to on your son.  DS' psychologist once warned me that things can become emotionally sticky between a single mother and an adult or near-adult son because he feels he has to be around to prop Mom up and can't get a life of his own.  One of the best things I ever did for DDS, although I didn't realize it at the time, was start dating the man who is now DH.  DS saw immediately that DH was stable and dependable, and that (DS) he was free to lead his own life because he didn't need to hover around Mom and protect her.

You need to send DS the clear message that you're in charge of yoru own life and as much as he loves you and worries about you, he's not responsible for your well-being.

We had almost this identical conversation yesterday! 

This is part of the reason I work on my own house and cars.  I have been making a point of showing that I can deal with my house and all that.  And, I always tell them that all I want for them is to be honest with me and live their lives where ever and with whoever they want.  I just want them to be independent and happy.  I think they are both getting it.

Both have told me that as long as we weren't "doing it" on the living room rug, then they will agree to be respectful of each other.  I'm too shy to do that, so we are good.  LOL  They also both said they prefer me to be happy than to be alone as some show of memory of their father....  So, we are getting there.

[Deleted]

Shasta I think that was a very loving, cute, funny and eminently sane reaction from your sons lol!

I'm so happy to see that you are all "healing" and doing better, and setting goals for yourselves.

Do you have other friends or family on the east coast? IE another "excuse" to go there besides to catch up with this friend? That would be ideal.

But even if you don't, if things continue to go well with your friend, I would really try to swing it. You've had a long, hard road Shasta. We only live once, and if you can get some joy from this, or even just find out whether this friendship can move onto something else, personally, I think that's money very well spent.

[Deleted]

DS came to me again and asked more questions. 

Today we were playing with the dog and he said that he now completely understands my relationship with my friend and with his father.  He said that really wants me to be happy and he even said that if my friendship helps with that then he supports it and is fine with him staying here if he wants to visit. 

He also said that he can see where I am both his mom and a woman - and not a nun.... and why things like sex might factor into my future life and how it isn't fair for him to get in the middle of that type of thing.

HUGE improvement from last week....

When I applied to NYU I had to write an essay.  I found it the other day and it is all about the time my friend and I spent at Rockefeller Center one Thanksgiving.  It is from my 18 year old brain, and shows that my fascination with NYC was not just my friend, but the idea of experiencing the city itself.  It dawned on me to let DS read it!  His reaction was the same as mine - teary eyes and the neat factor that I wrote that so long ago.  No manipulation possible - it was an old writing of mine.  And, it clearly shows that what he had heard about what I liked in NYC wasn't the complete truth. 

I have considered going to NYC.  I would love to go play tourist again now that I am of legal drinking and having fun age.  We were always in a house with his parents, so it would be fun to be able to experience the city as an adult.  And, he is a great person to do that type of thing with. 

I decided that I will not even attempt a trip back east again until I am asked to come visit.  I have been, but I want him to tell me that he really wants me to come see him.  At that point, I need a vacation!     lol

It's an interesting situation and I it is something that I 1000000000000% NEVER expected to happen in my life.  I had no idea he was single.  He had no idea how to contact me.  But, it is nice to hear that he has thought about me over the years and told me his sister and he talk about me sometimes.  So, while I figured I thought about him and he probably didn't even remember me, that clearly wasn't the case. 

It is fun catching up.  We both seem to have had enough life experiences that we have both come to the "honesty and integrity" place in our lives.  He told me some stuff that I knew about from his sister, but he didn't know that I knew.  First conversation he said "here is the shit in my life..."  I highly value honesty.  It's nice to be able to say anything to someone and know they don't judge you for it.  I also have been very clear that I don't do co-dependence.  Got an issue?  Then it's YOUR issue.  I thin I even have DS convinced to read the book! 

[happyscooter]

Why did the first thing that popped into your son's mind is the 'if the guy comes out here, you will end up in a sexual relationship'?  Why didn't your son just think 'oh a guy from my mom's past wants to come and visit and catch up'?  Did you late husband say THAT much about the guy?

[swamp]

Mar 1, 2013 6:48:08 GMT -5 happyscooter said:

Why did the first thing that popped into your son's mind is the 'if the guy comes out here, you will end up in a sexual relationship'?  Why didn't your son just think 'oh a guy from my mom's past wants to come and visit and catch up'?  Did you late husband say THAT much about the guy?

I don't think it's a weird thought from a late teen guy.