swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 21, 2012 18:43:38 GMT -5
As a few of of you know, my mother passed away 6 months ago.
I have two very good GFs. We went to high school together, have been very close friends for about 20 years. We have always shared out lives details and been very honest with each other. They both still live in my hometown.
So in June, when my mom passed away, I met them at the time of the funeral and i met them one more time while I was there. Then I came back home to resume my life. Since then till earlier this month I did't hear anything from them. No phone calls, no texts, no emails, nothing!! I was very perplexed in the beginning and gradually I started getting bothered by it. Lots of other people I am not even close to offered a lot of emotional support, except for these two friends.
I have been very hurt and saddened by their behaviour. Mom died in very unnatural circumstances, so its been very hard on me and the rest of the family. These friends knew my mom very well and their absolute lack of communicationed deeply saddened me.
So early Dec they call me to wish me on my birthday. I didn't take the calls. I finally received an email from one of them 2 days ago saying that we should catch up sometime. That started a chain of emails where i told them how hurt I have been by their behavior in my time of need. Now they are both upset that I am blaming them. They say that their whole intention was to give time and space to heal. While I am saying that a person doesn't heal while left alone. A person heals from the love and support of family and friends when a dear family memeber is lost.
They are both mad at me because they think I am playing the victim card. They keep saying that if I needed them that much I could have called them instead of waiting for their call. I have failed to make them understand my state of mind then. I do accept (and I did tell them this) that I could have called too, but they refuse to accept that anything is their fault.
Part of me thinks they were too uncomfortable talking to me about death.
Sorry about the novel I wrote.....but what do you all think? Am I being irrational in telling them that their behavior wasn't right? Do you think I am overreacting?
ETA: fixed spellings
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2012 18:47:06 GMT -5
Yes. If you didn't even ask for help you can't expect them to just know.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 21, 2012 18:49:59 GMT -5
Did they contact you regularly before?
I'd probably send an email right after you went back home and said something like "thinking of you, let me know if you want to talk". But if you didn't tell them, they can't read your mind.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 21, 2012 18:50:08 GMT -5
They are my very close friends. We always taked a least twice a week. Then suddenly after the funeral absolutely nothing?
Why would you not reach out a close friend who is grieving?
ETA: they knew how distraught I was when I met them.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 21, 2012 18:53:14 GMT -5
I am letting it go. All I told them was that I was hurt. They refuse to believe that they can be at fault too.
And they told me to stop playing the "victim" card.
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grits
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Post by grits on Dec 21, 2012 18:55:30 GMT -5
Some people prefer to be left alone to grieve. We are not all alike. When my mother passed away, I wanted to be left alone. I even posted a do not disturb sign on my door. We are all just different. People can't read minds. They may have honestly not known that you wanted to grieve with them, and not alone. I say forgive, and cut them some slack. In the future, I'd let it be known if I wanted to talk.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 21, 2012 18:55:32 GMT -5
I am letting it go. All I told them was that I was hurt. They refuse to believe that they can be at fault too. Ok, then they're idiots. Even if they don't think they're at fault, you say " I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I didn't mean to". Sometimes you take one for the team to protect a relationship worth keeping.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2012 18:56:31 GMT -5
I agree that they should have been there for you during that difficult time.
My very close friend lost her mom about 5 weeks ago. I was the first person she called, I went straight over, brought her back here (she wasn't ready to face her little boy), I was there for her. Then, after the funeral, silence. I called her DH (also a close friend) and he said, she can't deal, send texts, don't call. So I have been sending texts.
Last week she brought a beautiful bouquet over to say thanks, and stayed for coffee. I know she is having a VERY VERY hard time (there were a lot of complicated things about her mom's passing), and she tends to go silent when she is having a hard time.
But, that is HER prerogative. As a friend, I am there for her. I'm not the one grieving, so it's for ME to reach out, not her.
ETA: I'm not sure how old you are, Swasat. Maybe this is something that comes with age? I'm so sorry for your loss.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Dec 21, 2012 19:02:38 GMT -5
Do they talk to each other? It's kind of weird that they both didn't reach out. Also, I would think that after 20 yrs friends should know what each other needs, so in your place, I would probably be upset to.
Have you ever been through anything tough in each other's lives? Some people really don't know how to handle it. It's not an excuse, just the way it is.
Here is a story for you:
many many MANY moons ago I was BF with a girl who wanted to loose weight. I had no idea how little she was actually eating. Well, one night we were out, sitting on a bench and she fainted it and fell off the bench. Just like that. Unlike movies will have you believe, you can break things even from a short distance, and she broke her jaw. Her jaw was rubber-banded or something for weeks and weeks, she was home, couldn't go anywhere, couldn't eat anything. I never visited her. I fell so so SO incredibly guilty, although technically I didn't do anything wrong, but I just felt terrible and didn't know how to face her and what to say to her. I just met up with her recently and apologized, bc to this day I feel bad.
Not saying my story is the same as yours, but sometimes people do things......
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Dec 21, 2012 19:52:00 GMT -5
They are my very close friends. We always taked a least twice a week. Then suddenly after the funeral absolutely nothing? Why would you not reach out a close friend who is grieving? That is extremely strange, in my opinion. If you were old friends who rarely spoke, I wouldn't really expect that they would suddently be in constant contact with you, but I don't get why if you were speaking regularly and they knew you were going through a rough time they would cut off contact. It seems bizarre. Maybe they just didn't know the right words so kept thinking "I'll call soon, when I figured out what to say" and then as more time went by it got more awkward for them to reach out? Odd that it's both of them.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Dec 21, 2012 19:52:50 GMT -5
Do they talk to each other? It's kind of weird that they both didn't reach out. Also, I would think that after 20 yrs friends should know what each other needs, so in your place, I would probably be upset to. Have you ever been through anything tough in each other's lives? Some people really don't know how to handle it. It's not an excuse, just the way it is. Here is a story for you: many many MANY moons ago I was BF with a girl who wanted to loose weight. I had no idea how little she was actually eating. Well, one night we were out, sitting on a bench and she fainted it and fell off the bench. Just like that. Unlike movies will have you believe, you can break things even from a short distance, and she broke her jaw. Her jaw was rubber-banded or something for weeks and weeks, she was home, couldn't go anywhere, couldn't eat anything. I never visited her. I fell so so SO incredibly guilty, although technically I didn't do anything wrong, but I just felt terrible and didn't know how to face her and what to say to her. I just met up with her recently and apologized, bc to this day I feel bad. Not saying my story is the same as yours, but sometimes people do things...... so - how much did she lose with the jaw wired shut? Right? I'm starting to make plans to break my jaw.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Dec 21, 2012 20:02:52 GMT -5
I'm one of those people who doesn't know what the F to do/say when people are grieving. And I tend to go through phases where I kind of withdraw from social contact. So I can kind of emphasize with your friends, though I agree "I'm sorry I hurt you" is the way to go, definitely not "quit playing the victim card." I am sorry they hurt you. I'm sure they didn't mean to, but they're handling it badly.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 21, 2012 20:07:16 GMT -5
Do they talk to each other? It's kind of weird that they both didn't reach out. Also, I would think that after 20 yrs friends should know what each other needs, so in your place, I would probably be upset to. Have you ever been through anything tough in each other's lives? Some people really don't know how to handle it. It's not an excuse, just the way it is. Here is a story for you: many many MANY moons ago I was BF with a girl who wanted to loose weight. I had no idea how little she was actually eating. Well, one night we were out, sitting on a bench and she fainted it and fell off the bench. Just like that. Unlike movies will have you believe, you can break things even from a short distance, and she broke her jaw. Her jaw was rubber-banded or something for weeks and weeks, she was home, couldn't go anywhere, couldn't eat anything. I never visited her. I fell so so SO incredibly guilty, although technically I didn't do anything wrong, but I just felt terrible and didn't know how to face her and what to say to her. I just met up with her recently and apologized, bc to this day I feel bad. Not saying my story is the same as yours, but sometimes people do things...... They live in the same city so they speak to each other regularly. We have always shared everything with each other. There are some things that even DH doesn't know that these two know about me. Plus they know my DH very well. If they were not sure how to approach me they could have called him and spoken to him. What really bothered me was they didn't even think of sending a one line email or text. It was absolute silence.
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grits
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Post by grits on Dec 21, 2012 20:17:34 GMT -5
This is a deep wound for you. Maybe, you should back off it awhile, and give it deep consideration. Is it worth losing the friendship over? If it is, cut them loose. If not, let it go. All three of you can learn from this, how the other feels, and what they expect.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 21, 2012 20:18:57 GMT -5
Debtheaven, thank you for your post. Thats exactly how I feel too. And I am 36 yo. I would never,ever leave a friend completely unatteded after a tragedy. At least and email or text would definitely be sent. Mid: thanks back. I do think they have no idea how to handle death of a parent. They both have their parents still with them. They just refuse to agree that their actions hurt me and they might have made the wrong decision. Instead, it seems, they are trying to blame me for overeacting aout the whole thing.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 21, 2012 20:24:24 GMT -5
This is a deep wound for you. Maybe, you should back off it awhile, and give it deep consideration. Is it worth losing the friendship over? If it is, cut them loose. If not, let it go. All three of you can learn from this, how the other feels, and what they expect. I don't want to end the frindship. Its very important to me. But a part of my is now wondering if its as important to them? I am not sure of many things right now. This is just one of them. You are right....maybe I should just let things drift till I am more in control of my emotions.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Dec 21, 2012 20:29:41 GMT -5
Sadly, they might not "get it" until their own parents start dying off. I have noticed that people who have never been through a difficult experience often don't know how to treat others who are in the middle of a bad experience. <HUGS> to you for your loss.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2012 20:30:00 GMT -5
the loss of a mother is a huge thing. I rue the day it happens to me. I can't for the life of me understand why your friends behaved like non-friends during this awful time you had to endure. Are they really friends? And to give you an attitude like that 'you're playing the victim' YOU ARE THE VICTIM. they sound like a pair of ****s.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Dec 21, 2012 21:15:27 GMT -5
the loss of a mother is a huge thing. I rue the day it happens to me. I can't for the life of me understand why your friends behaved like non-friends during this awful time you had to endure. Are they really friends? And to give you an attitude like that 'you're playing the victim' YOU ARE THE VICTIM. they sound like a pair of ****s.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Dec 21, 2012 21:19:08 GMT -5
I wonder if they have a hard time dealing with the death of your mother b/c it brings their own Mother's mortality into the present. I know I was really upset about the passing of a few people my Mom's age b/c I plan to have her around for many years to come. I hope now that they know you were hurt they try to make it up to you. I am sorry for your loss. Sent from my MB855 using proboards
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Dec 21, 2012 21:27:08 GMT -5
So, re: post 14 - Yes, I would be hurt. VERY hurt. Are you sure there is nothing else going on there bc it was pretty stupid/defensive thing to say to you what they said. In any case, NO, you are not being irrational at all. And even if you were, IMHO good friends would understand and not say such stupid shit to you. But instead would apologize for not being there for you in the way that you need it. I am sorry for your loss and I hope you had people around you to give you comfort and support that you needed and still need.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Dec 21, 2012 21:47:38 GMT -5
I can totally understand how it might be hard for them to know how to act after your mom's death, but I think the victim card comments might be a friendship ender--for me anyway. So sorry for your loss.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2012 21:50:49 GMT -5
I would say you are both right and both wrong. They did come to you when you mom passed. But, then they may have thought you needed time alone or with more immediate family. Since you have been friends for 20 + yrs i would absolutely accept this as the real reason as they stated. Then, i think it was right of you to have told them you felt abandoned and at that point you should have all cried and hugged and apologized to one another and it should have been over. At this point, I think you just send and email or phone call and tell them how you were having a bad day, etc and then plan to get together. And, then when you do get together you do what "Dr. Joy Brown" has always expressed so eloquently. You act "stupid and oblivious". No, i don't mean it as it sounds, but listen to what i do mean. I mean, let it drop now and be over and move on with your friendships. Friends make mistakes and even the best of friends can wound you. One of my Bff's of 20+ yrs we have had moments where we could have ended our friendship, but we didn't because we understand "faithful are the wounds of a friend" and just trust your friends truly did have your best intentions, even if it didn't feel that way too you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2012 21:52:45 GMT -5
You said your mother died in an unusual way. Could that have anything to do with their discomfort?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2012 21:59:02 GMT -5
Lots of people don't know how to deal with death. Some people avoid it completely, pretend the person didn't exist, are afraid to talk about them, etc.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 21, 2012 22:03:14 GMT -5
Lots of people don't know how to deal with death. Some people avoid it completely, pretend the person didn't exist, are afraid to talk about them, etc. .... And that hurts the person immensely! On top of the grief of losing a beloved parent, now they also deal with the complete lack of support from people they considered real close. Instead of getting a shoulder to cry on now they wonder what to do..... Its crappy all around.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 21, 2012 22:07:17 GMT -5
You said your mother died in an unusual way. Could that have anything to do with their discomfort? I don't know. They know everything. Had it been one of them undergoing something like this instead of me, I would have doubled my effort to let them know that I am if they need a shoulder to cry on. Its hard when you know death is knocking at the door. Its harder when you get a call out of the blue that your parent is no longer alive, and you realize that you last spoke to them a week ago.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2012 22:10:15 GMT -5
I didn't say it wasn't. When i was 12, my brother died in a car accident. My friends had no idea what to say, what not to say, etc. Mostly , i think they just avoided me. And, now when i chat with some of my HS mates one of them did bring up that she felt badly that she should have done more and didn't but really didn't know what to do. People simply don't know what to do. And, grief truly is a private affair. Nobody can or will feel it as deeply as you. We are much better at sharing each other;s joys than our griefs. But, in the end, i think you should give look at your friendship over the course of 20 yrs and evaluate it and not just a single moment when you felt they didn't measure up. Just my opinion. Of course, you should do what you believe is right in your heart to do.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 21, 2012 22:11:02 GMT -5
Anyway, It seems to me I am sounding pathetic. Sorry for sounding like a Debbie Downer just before Christmas.
I am not trying to make excuses for anything and I am not trying to blame them for everything.
I'm genuinely saddened by all this.
Merry Christmas to you all !!!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2012 22:11:43 GMT -5
swasat - I am very sorry to hear of you losing your mom. That is one of the most precious relationships on Earth.
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