spicyhotpepper
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Post by spicyhotpepper on Dec 19, 2012 14:52:45 GMT -5
So my entire life up until the past few years I've never wanted children. Lately, I've opened up to the possibility. I am 33. I just found out yesterday that my younger sister is pregnant. My older sister has one child. I am the middle child.
I love being able to do what I want when I want- travel, sleep in, go shopping, etc. A small part of me thinks a family would be nice and I know my husband really wants one (he has always known my feelings about kids). However, since hearing the news, I am happy for them but for some reason feel sad and down, like I am missing out or something.
My sister and I are fairly close and part of me is sad because she never told me they were trying and she made her husband tell me and the rest of the family the news and didn't do it herself (I'm not quite sure why.. I think she's freaking out). Also, she won't return my calls or texts either to congratulate her. Again, it seems as if she's having a hard time with something..
Anyhow, having an interest in psychology and the human mind, I wonder if my logical, consious mind wants to stay child-free, but my emotional, subconsious mind really does want them, hense the sadness. I wonder if my feelings are trying to tell me something or if this is just nature's way of trying to keep the human race going. What say you? Is there any way to figure out what I really want? I feel stuck and time is slowly running out.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Dec 19, 2012 14:56:31 GMT -5
I think it's because you're right in the "time is running out" bracket and seeing family or friends having kids is making you reconsider your options. No one can tell you the right answer, you just have to try to step away from everything and decide what is right for you
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Dec 19, 2012 15:00:13 GMT -5
It seems you are bothered by the fact that she didn't tell you they were trying. Do you know for sure that they were? Maybe it's an accident and she's having mixed emotions herself.
As to the issue of what you want, I think you need to think of it differently. Imagine your self in 10 , 20 or 40 years, if you will regret not having kids, then maybe you need to give it more thought.
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spicyhotpepper
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Post by spicyhotpepper on Dec 19, 2012 15:02:27 GMT -5
My DD, thinking she couldn't get pregnant, had talked herself to thinking she didn't want them. "Too much trouble, too expensive etc." Then, she got pregnant and how has a 4 year old. She said she had no idea how incomplete her life had been before her child came along. She said she now feels whole. Do you feel whole? Yes, I do.
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spicyhotpepper
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Post by spicyhotpepper on Dec 19, 2012 15:03:54 GMT -5
It seems you are bothered by the fact that she didn't tell you they were trying. Do you know for sure that they were? Maybe it's an accident and she's having mixed emotions herself. As to the issue of what you want, I think you need to think of it differently. Imagine your self in 10 , 20 or 40 years, if you will regret not having kids, then maybe you need to give it more thought. Her husband said they were trying for a few months. I've thought about the future, and think I "might" regret not having kids.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Dec 19, 2012 15:05:14 GMT -5
...well, a good YMer knows that studies have repeatedly shown that being married can be equated to an approx. $100K improvement to one's lifestyle... while having children has a negative ROI... ...so, the real question is, are you a good YMer?
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spicyhotpepper
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Post by spicyhotpepper on Dec 19, 2012 15:06:20 GMT -5
...well, a good YMer knows that studies have repeatedly shown that being married can be equated to an approx. $100K improvement to one's lifestyle... while having children has a negative ROI... ...so, the real question is, are you a good YMer? Well I really do love having money.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Dec 19, 2012 15:07:59 GMT -5
...well, a good YMer knows that studies have repeatedly shown that being married can be equated to an approx. $100K improvement to one's lifestyle... while having children has a negative ROI... ...so, the real question is, are you a good YMer? Well I really do love having money. ... P O T D ...
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Dec 19, 2012 15:11:07 GMT -5
I've thought about the future, and think I "might" regret not having kids. ...well, compare the two regrets... imagine yourself a few decades' from today... would you rather regret not having had kids, or regret having had kids every day between now and then?
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Dec 19, 2012 15:19:15 GMT -5
It makes sense there might be a sadness in what you are missing out on with kids. There is some stuff you will never experience due to that choice. HOWEVER, this does not necessarily mean it is the wrong choice for you. It just means that sometimes choices are hard & there is a downside no matter what.
Reevaluate your life & where you want to be in 5, 10 , 20 years, as someone said. Which do you think you might regret more: having kids or not having kids?
Also, consider the stuff you enjoy: being able to do what I want when I want- travel, sleep in, go shopping, etc, isn't completely lost when you have kids. They may slow you down for a few years, but there are work arounds, especially with 2 parents & a supportive family & in the end they only slow you down as much as you let them. Of course, this would depend on lifestyle too. If you & your husband enjoy barhopping until 2 AM every night, then things will change a lot. But a week's vacation somewhere - you could leave them with family (I did with my trip to NYC) so you can enjoy more adult stuff, or bring them (I did with my trip to CA).
Only you can really figure out the right answer & unfortunately there is probably no right answer, only what you decide. Consider that you still have quite a bit of time too, you don't go completely infertile at 35, it is just slowly downhill from there. Many women have kids in their early 40's, not what I recommend if you definitely want kids just in case you have problems, but you don't need to be super-stressed about this decision either.
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spicyhotpepper
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Post by spicyhotpepper on Dec 19, 2012 15:21:59 GMT -5
These are all good points. I need to think more about my life in the future instead of my life now. On another note, my psychic does see me having children, so we'll see if she's right!
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Colleenz
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Post by Colleenz on Dec 19, 2012 15:23:34 GMT -5
When we were ttc, a dear friend got pregnant. She dreaded telling me because she thought I would be hurt. Maybe your sister knows you are on the fence about kids and feels guilty
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2012 15:24:17 GMT -5
My take on it is...when you're older and are tired of all the things money has given you and you're sitting in you're nice little house, looking out at your expensive car and there is not a soul in the world that gives two cents about you....that is when you might regret not having children and grandchildren. OMG!! LMAO!!! People don't have to be genetically connected to give two cents about me!!!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 19, 2012 15:25:34 GMT -5
My take on it is...when you're older and are tired of all the things money has given you and you're sitting in you're nice little house, looking out at your expensive car and there is not a soul in the world that gives two cents about you....that is when you might regret not having children and grandchildren. OMG!! LMAO!!! People don't have to be genetically connected to give two cents about me!!! I'm pretty sure there are some peopel who are not genetically connected to me who care more about me than some of my relatives.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Dec 19, 2012 15:30:37 GMT -5
I was born a wife too, and became a de facto mother a little against my will - at least initially. DH and I were the most logical family members to take in my sibs' two daughters when the family fell apart in some major ways. I got them when they were older (young teens) so I really can't compare to anyone else's baby-and-child experiences. In retrospect I would not have passed on this experience for the world, but I also don't regret that I never had a bio child of my own. I was about your age when I starting having second thoughts, but the feelings passed. I really like the life that DH and I set up for ourselves. I don't feel "incomplete" - my life is very full with family, friends, work, community and yes, the nieces/honorary daughters and their babies .
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 19, 2012 15:31:32 GMT -5
oh, and your feelings mean that you're a real woman now and want to fulfill your womanly destiny. I was sure I didn't want kids. Until I was about 30, then I started waffling. I now have 2. I'm OK with not traveling as much and not having as much money. I'd by lying if I said I don't miss sleeping in, though.
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spicyhotpepper
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Post by spicyhotpepper on Dec 19, 2012 15:33:21 GMT -5
When we were ttc, a dear friend got pregnant. She dreaded telling me because she thought I would be hurt. Maybe your sister knows you are on the fence about kids and feels guilty Yeah I was wondering about that. I thought about asking my older sister if they talked but decided against it as I would feel bad if they did. Honestly, I think she's having some sort of freak out, but I can't really understand why since they planned this. Maybe it's hormones.
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spicyhotpepper
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Post by spicyhotpepper on Dec 19, 2012 15:35:16 GMT -5
oh, and your feelings mean that you're a real woman now and want to fulfill your womanly destiny. I was sure I didn't want kids. Until I was about 30, then I started waffling. I now have 2. I'm OK with not traveling as much and not having as much money. I'd by lying if I said I don't miss sleeping in, though. womanly destiny, ha!
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Dec 19, 2012 16:04:48 GMT -5
I hate those type of life decisions where the only sure answer is "you have to decide for yourself." So much easier when other people tell you what to do! FWIW, I'm in a similar boat. Growing up, I always assumed I'd have kids, because "that's what everyone does." Then throughout my twenties, I said F that, kids are sticky and smelly. Now I'm back to thinking, "Well, it might be nice..." I don't know if it's because I've slowly been acclimating myself to the idea of kids, or a bio-clock thing, or something else. You're 33 - you have time to decide. Your uterus doesn't fall out or shrivel up on your 35th birthday. Are you and your sister close? Spending time with her while she's prepping for the baby (assuming she snaps out of her funk and starts returning your calls/texts) might give you a good idea of what to expect, and whether it's something in which you're interested.
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redkitty
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Post by redkitty on Dec 19, 2012 16:08:28 GMT -5
...well, a good YMer knows that studies have repeatedly shown that being married can be equated to an approx. $100K improvement to one's lifestyle... while having children has a negative ROI... ...so, the real question is, are you a good YMer? Well I really do love having money. I am using this as my answer from now on when people ask why we don't have kids! I love it!!! I never felt like I wanted to have kids either and as my friends started to get pregnant, I also felt a bit sad. When I thought about whether I really wanted kids, the answer was still not really and although I went back and forth trying to figure out whether this would be a regret in the future, in the end I went with my initial and 99% of the time feeling. I do not want to have kids. I realized later on that the bit of sadness was because my friendships were going to be changing. Not in a bad way, just that people who have kids have additional responsibilities that I don't have, and you just can't do the same things you did before. In truth, I have not regretted the decision I made and am glad I did not give in to the "sad" feeling. It went away pretty quickly, lol! You really have to think about it and figure out if you could picture your life with children, the changes (sacrifices) that you will have to make, and if you feel your life will be enhanced by the experience. I don't think parenthood is for everyone. I have friends who have become amazing people by becoming parents and having a child really completed their life. I love my life and feel complete without children. I have 3 god daughters though, so I spend a lot of time with children, maybe that's why I don't need my own, lol!
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redkitty
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Post by redkitty on Dec 19, 2012 16:19:30 GMT -5
My take on it is...when you're older and are tired of all the things money has given you and you're sitting in you're nice little house, looking out at your expensive car and there is not a soul in the world that gives two cents about you....that is when you might regret not having children and grandchildren. What if you have crappy kids who couldn't care less about you? Is this when you regret having kids? As for me, I'm assuming I will still have friends, maybe a Golden Girls scenario, lol!
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spicyhotpepper
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Post by spicyhotpepper on Dec 19, 2012 16:24:54 GMT -5
Message deleted by spicyhotpepper.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Dec 19, 2012 16:25:28 GMT -5
No matter what you decide, you're going to have regrets. That's life.
Yes, children are wonderful, but they are also exhausting and expensive, and will turn your world upside down. The last thing this world needs is another kid being raised by ambivilant parents.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Dec 19, 2012 16:30:08 GMT -5
OMG!! LMAO!!! People don't have to be genetically connected to give two cents about me!!! I'm pretty sure there are some peopel who are not genetically connected to me who care more about me than some of my relatives. SO This. I had a friend go through the same waffling at 39. But all her friends were starting their families at that age. Ultimately, she decided she didn't want kids. There are many days where I think she was smarter than me (I have 3). There are a TON of other ways to make a difference in a kid's life without being a parent. What about being a foster parent or a big sister? What about being a girl scout leader? What about volunteering at an elementary school that is struggling? What about volunteering to do child care while (poor) parents try to better themselves through learning how to speak English or gaining some sort of job skills? What about making blankets for Project Linus? Or hats/mittens/scarves for kids who can't afford them? What about volunteering for organization that helps run away teens?
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Dec 19, 2012 16:48:28 GMT -5
I have a 7 year old and a 9 year old available for a "test run" if you're interested... I'll throw in an 8 year old, and 11 year old and an almost 16 year old.
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spicyhotpepper
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Post by spicyhotpepper on Dec 19, 2012 16:55:34 GMT -5
Well I really do love having money. I am using this as my answer from now on when people ask why we don't have kids! I love it!!! !
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Dec 19, 2012 16:57:42 GMT -5
I have a 7 year old and a 9 year old available for a "test run" if you're interested... I'll throw in an 8 year old, and 11 year old and an almost 16 year old. <packs up a 13 and 11 year old for good measure>>
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spicyhotpepper
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Post by spicyhotpepper on Dec 19, 2012 17:07:24 GMT -5
You guys are too kind!
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Dec 19, 2012 17:16:14 GMT -5
<<crosses fingers, toes, eyes, arms and legs>>
I can have them boxed up, I mean packed up, and ready to send this evening! ;D
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Dec 19, 2012 17:20:48 GMT -5
Of course! ;D
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