zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 17, 2012 18:37:36 GMT -5
Be very careful. You will be receiving a fair amount in survivor benefits as well as insurance. That makes you fair game for a lot of people out there, especially men.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2012 19:12:01 GMT -5
Carl, personally, I'd definitely unfriend the asshat friend, or at least hide his feed. (I don't have a problem unfriending people on FB but some people do.) But if the OP is going to maintain a relationship with her in-laws, so the kids can continue to see their grandparents, crossing her SIL (their daughter) forever more is NOT constructive. With five kids I think it's better if she tries to get along with them. That does NOT mean she should do what the SIL says, AT ALL, but ICN knows that! ;-) Again, she is a better person that I'll ever be. If my spouse was barely buried and her cousin/mother dared to come and question if I ever loved her... Let's just say the answer they would have received would not have been PG and damn the consequences. When I am vulnerable/hurting that is when I am at my worse because I do not care at that point and would have let them have it. Again, OP is a better person than I could ever be and my in-laws know me well enough by now that I don't think any of them would be crazy enough to attempt that stunt.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Dec 17, 2012 19:30:18 GMT -5
Nope.
Next time they offer such great advice or the 'hit on you' move, give em the old southern insult of 'Bless your heart' and say nothing else.
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susanb
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Post by susanb on Dec 17, 2012 19:56:02 GMT -5
::1. One of my husband's 'friend' has been hitting on me. It started less than 48 hours after my husband was found dead. Thankfully, he 100 miles away and has never been here. But still, that's beyond being an asshole. :: I'd be REALLY sure that he's hitting on you. Sometimes it's hard for guys to try to be caring without coming across as hitting on you. And women tend to think that EVERYONE is hitting on them, since in general guys don't bother talking to you unless they actually are. But I can also imagine how tough it might be to make sure someone knows you're available to help out, and trying to keep up the contact to make you feel like you're not alone, without coming off as flirting. There's "I think he's hitting on me" and then there's "He directly said I should have sex with him". Given that you 2 haven't seen one another, so nothing physical was attempted, I'd be really sure before I decided to cut out one of my late-partner's friends. Actually, the opposite is true. Men tend to overestimate how women's interest in them, while women tend to underestimate how interested men are in them. We all know outliers, but gerally speaking, this is the case health.usnews.com/health-news/family-health/brain-and-behavior/articles/2011/12/16/men-often-misread-womens-sexual-cues-studyInsert, hats off to you for staying cool under fire from you SIL. What she said about your love for your husband and what she said about your finances were way over the line, as in miles and miles over the line.
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InsertCoolName
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Post by InsertCoolName on Dec 17, 2012 19:57:41 GMT -5
::1. One of my husband's 'friend' has been hitting on me. It started less than 48 hours after my husband was found dead. Thankfully, he 100 miles away and has never been here. But still, that's beyond being an asshole. :: I'd be REALLY sure that he's hitting on you. Sometimes it's hard for guys to try to be caring without coming across as hitting on you. And women tend to think that EVERYONE is hitting on them, since in general guys don't bother talking to you unless they actually are. But I can also imagine how tough it might be to make sure someone knows you're available to help out, and trying to keep up the contact to make you feel like you're not alone, without coming off as flirting. There's "I think he's hitting on me" and then there's "He directly said I should have sex with him". Given that you 2 haven't seen one another, so nothing physical was attempted, I'd be really sure before I decided to cut out one of my late-partner's friends. Hoops- He said "I'd love to date a girl just like you." And kept bringing up me dating. I said that part of my life was done and over. He said "Never say never, you don't know what tomorrow will bring." All of his other friends, said if you need anything done on the house and can't afford to get it fixed I will help you. And things of that nature. None of them said anything about dating. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe that's not hitting on me. Maybe I have been out of that world for too long and don't have a clue. But it didn't make me feel like he was a friend to my husband or to me.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Dec 17, 2012 19:58:43 GMT -5
It's your SIL who left me agape. Only a man can handle money? Seriously? Vent here all you need to. We'll always listen.
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InsertCoolName
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Post by InsertCoolName on Dec 17, 2012 20:04:41 GMT -5
Not sure how I will handle the sil. They are planning on coming in the week after Christmas. So I will have to put up with her for a few days. She makes it a point to say things when no one else is around. So I will just make it a point to say things in front of other people and maybe then she will just shut up. She has always been a bitch. I have never liked her. Because I love and respect my husband, I will try my best to get along. I will just have to vent to you all. Well maybe I shouldn't. If somethng ever happens to her I wouldnt want any links to me.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Dec 17, 2012 20:11:06 GMT -5
The next time she brings up this stuff in private:
"SIL, thank you for your concern, but I need to tell you that you don't need to be concerned. I have professional help with the finances (lawyer, accountant) and I'm in good hands, just like DH would have wanted. Our girls will always be my first priority, just like DH would have wanted. I'd like to maintain a good relationship with you (like DH would have wanted), so let's talk about something else."
Wash, rinse, repeat. Wash, rinse, repeat.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2012 20:12:05 GMT -5
"If somethng ever happens to her I wouldnt want any links to me."
Kudos for finding the humor in the situation!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 17, 2012 20:12:27 GMT -5
Don't be alone with her.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Dec 17, 2012 21:49:17 GMT -5
Nope. Next time they offer such great advice or the 'hit on you' move, give em the old southern insult of 'Bless your heart' and say nothing else.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Dec 17, 2012 21:49:47 GMT -5
...and insert,
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Dec 17, 2012 22:02:14 GMT -5
<HUGS> for ICN. Both of those people should get the douche canoe award, IMHO. They're both just predators. "Friend" is looking for a vulnerable woman for sex, & SIL is hoping to get your money. I agree with Blue: tell the SIL you've hired an accountant, or financial planner in a neighboring town, & hopefully that will shut her up. Tell the "friend" that you will never recover from losing DH, & hopefully he'll leave you alone. One of my friends lost her husband fairly young, & she told me later she couldn't believe how many married men were hitting on her. Sadly, some were husbands of some close friends. Losers!
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Dec 17, 2012 22:06:04 GMT -5
BTW, why should you be hosting a holiday visit? If anything, they should be inviting YOU over to their place. I'd cancel, just stating that the shock of losing DH is too much right now. That you need some time to yourself.
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InsertCoolName
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Post by InsertCoolName on Dec 17, 2012 22:12:55 GMT -5
Oh they won't come to my house. It's not good enough. lol it will be over at my in laws. Which is great. I can leave whenever.
I asked one of my husband's other friends wife how this guy was. She said that he really had no manners when it comes to females and to not worry too much about it. I will ignore him for the most part. I dont know if it's creepier to know that is just how he is or not. But the good news is, they all live far enough away that there won't be any social gatherings ever. Even though they all live in Indiana too.
I really just need them to back off. I can't do anything about the money part for a while. Well, there isn't anything I can do til everyone else does whatever they have to do once I get the death cert to them. And the one I got today says pending under cause of death. So, it might not even be good enough for everyone who needs to have a copy. I don't know...have never done this.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Dec 17, 2012 22:18:34 GMT -5
You don't need cause of death for most things you will be doing. Companies usually request death certificates "without cause" as it's personal and none of their business. You should be fine. I can't think of anybody wanting one "with cause" but if I do I'll post it here. You are doing much better than I ever could dealing with all of this along with those people.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2012 22:26:57 GMT -5
ICN - you are acting wiith grace and strength Having read more I wonder if your SIL isn't projecting her fears on you - she's a SAHM and she may feel incapable of handling the money if her husband passes. Not a reflection on you but her own insecurities. The recent losses on this board have certainly made me re-evaluate our plans . . .
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InsertCoolName
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Post by InsertCoolName on Dec 17, 2012 23:01:54 GMT -5
Well there are moments that I don't feel that strong. But I have you guys and my close friends to vent to so it does help. And I am ONLY letting words go because I totally respect my husband. He wouldn't want me fighting with his family. So I am trying. For him. So I thank each of you saying I am handling it well. Trust me, I don't want too.
I really want Carl to be one of my best friends and live here lol He lifts weights and could really scare them lol
Anne- you could be on something there. Either she really doesn't have a clue or just acting like it. But this could have made her think about her own life.
I know that when her parents pass, I will never hear from her again. I can't deal with another loss right now, but I have to admit I hope they don't hang on til their 90's. And I'm rethinking who to list in my will to take in my children should I pass before they are adults. Before this, she was my number one pick. Now....I don't think I want her raising my kids. Too judgemental.
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❤ mollymouser ❤
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Post by ❤ mollymouser ❤ on Dec 17, 2012 23:33:21 GMT -5
InsertCoolName ~ I am sorry that you've got a pair of problem people in your life, but I am glad you've got plenty of money-savvy, caring, supportive people here to bounce things off of, vent to, and commiserate with. Sheesh..... smacking the SIL does sound tempting, though.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2012 1:00:56 GMT -5
You lost your husband and that pain is unimaginable but she lost her brother, maybe her grief is affecting her behavior - it doesn't sound like you will ever be close but hopefully someday you guys will be get along.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Dec 18, 2012 7:26:46 GMT -5
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Dec 18, 2012 8:49:57 GMT -5
I'll 3rd or 5th that you're acting well under pressure. And we're here for you. We've got your online back. I wish I was closer to you so I could give you a real hug and help. We keep a virtual freezer over in EE for misbehaving a-hats. There's plenty of room. (sorry, if that's in poor taste right now.)
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Dec 18, 2012 8:51:44 GMT -5
Nope. Next time they offer such great advice or the 'hit on you' move, give em the old southern insult of 'Bless your heart' and say nothing else. Wait - what - is that a insult? Please decode for northerners...... How is that an insult? In the books where I've seen it used, it generally precedes or follows an insult, ie. "what was she thinking when she bought that dress, bless her heart." "Bless her heart, she can't cook. Just take a taste for manners." Edited to add, I'm a Wisconsin girl. I could be wrong.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Dec 18, 2012 9:23:36 GMT -5
::Hoops- He said "I'd love to date a girl just like you." And kept bringing up me dating. I said that part of my life was done and over. He said "Never say never, you don't know what tomorrow will bring." :: I think there are 2 ways this can be taken. 1 is hitting on you. The other is you having an attitude of "my romantic life is over" and him trying to cheer you up. It's really all in your interpretation, and you're the best person to gauge what it is. ::Actually, the opposite is true. Men tend to overestimate how women's interest in them, while women tend to underestimate how interested men are in them. We all know outliers, but gerally speaking, this is the case health.usnews.com/health-news/fam....xual-cues-study::I just went and read that study, that's not what it says actually. And its about college students and men seeking a short term sexual encounter...that has nothing to do with this situation.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Dec 18, 2012 9:41:19 GMT -5
ICN
I would suggest keeping your finances private at this time. Hopefully you have an attorney and an accountant that you can go to for questions and concerns. It would be best not to share ANY details of your personal finances with your in-laws. It's really not necessary and would only serve for your SIL's interference which is not welcomed. She sounds like a woman who has her own problems and is reflecting them on you.
You don't owe them any explanation of the fiscal choices that you're making. It's unequivocally none of their business. And will only serve to cause more problems for you if they are made aware of the details. You seem to have some common sense and will certainly be able to manage without their input. If you do need advice, it's always best to seek it from an professional who you trust and who can be objective. Hang in there.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 18, 2012 10:00:03 GMT -5
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Dec 18, 2012 10:08:43 GMT -5
Oh they won't come to my house. It's not good enough. lol it will be over at my in laws. Which is great. I can leave whenever. I asked one of my husband's other friends wife how this guy was. She said that he really had no manners when it comes to females and to not worry too much about it. I will ignore him for the most part. I dont know if it's creepier to know that is just how he is or not. But the good news is, they all live far enough away that there won't be any social gatherings ever. Even though they all live in Indiana too. I really just need them to back off. I can't do anything about the money part for a while. Well, there isn't anything I can do til everyone else does whatever they have to do once I get the death cert to them. And the one I got today says pending under cause of death. So, it might not even be good enough for everyone who needs to have a copy. I don't know...have never done this. I am so glad they are not coming to your house. If they ask to come over please don't let them. SIL sounds like an opportunist so I'd be civil but wary. I agree that it sounds like DH's friend is hitting on you. I probably would let him know I was defriending him temporarily because I can't deal with talk of dating at this time. Sorry they are adding issues to your life, but please protect yourself. Whatever SIL said is more about her than you so perhaps she believes she would go on a huge spending spree if *she* finally got access to the family money. Who knows? I'd go with better safe than sorry on this at keep SIL, etc. out of your house and away from any of your financials. For all you know they aren't doing as well financially as they appear to be and you really don't want them helping themselves to part of your finances.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Dec 18, 2012 11:48:57 GMT -5
Wait - what - is that a insult? Please decode for northerners...... How is that an insult? In the books where I've seen it used, it generally precedes or follows an insult, ie. "what was she thinking when she bought that dress, bless her heart." "Bless her heart, she can't cook. Just take a taste for manners." Edited to add, I'm a Wisconsin girl. I could be wrong. Pretty much. And in ICN's case it'd be "Bless your heart, how sweet of you to worry about me" and walk away. ;D
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Dec 18, 2012 12:19:37 GMT -5
I believe my very proper southern grandmother would have deployed it like this:
SIL: "You should have my husband or father look over your finances. You know women can't handle money" ICN: *patting SIL's hand soothingly* "Bless your heart. DH always trusted me to manage our finances."
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InsertCoolName
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Post by InsertCoolName on Dec 18, 2012 12:35:40 GMT -5
Oh so I could say "Bless your heart, you're such a bitch." Or should I just think the last part?
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