violagirl
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Nov 10, 2012 17:57:54 GMT -5
Post by violagirl on Nov 10, 2012 17:57:54 GMT -5
I just had a weird argument with my husband. I think the last argument we had was about 5 years ago, so this is not a usual thing.
The problem is, they want us to go over to their place for dinner. And I said sure I think that is a great idea. He is an only child and while we live in the same city, we don't see them that often. I happen to like his Mom and Grandma and like to play music with his dad. So a week after this general conversation I had with his Mom, his mom calls to invite us over for supper. And he threw a complete fit about how he didn't want to go over. So I said..ok..so YOU call your mother and tell her that tomorrow isn't good, and maybe some time over the holidays we can get together. He didn't want to do that. So I said, you know you have to do stuff with them occasionally. (It was just their anniversary recently and i had to drag him kicking and screaming to the flower store to get some flowers for his Mom)
Whereupon he went on this big tirade about how I can't understand because I'm close to my family that his family just isn't that close and he doesn't want to go talk to his dad for 4 hours because his dad just talks about the same things and that i was telling him his family is dysfunctional. He actually raised his voice at me!
So apparently it is some sort of crime to come from a functional family and think it might be nice for a son to go see his parents occasionally.
Our families have had this weird dynamic right from when we first met when we were teenagers. Our moms are best friends. And he was friends with my brother and I. We were always like mediators for their family. Like if they they came home to an empty house, they would call us to see what everyone was up to instead of leaving a note or actually talking to each other, like most people who live in the same house would.
His mom tells MY mother she is upset because he hasn't called in a long time. (Yes, SHE doesn't actually call US to talk...it's a bit weird to me..but...anyway) So my mom tells me and I say, i think you should give your parents a call, or it's their anniversary we should take them out for dinner etc etc. I suppose my family attempts to "enable" their relationships??
So what would YOU say in a situation like that? I don't get what the big deal is. I don't understand why he got so emotional about nothing and somehow me wanting us to spend time with his parents was so awful.
And I will say, this is not the first occasion the absolute functionalness of my family has been thrown up to us like we are some sort of freaks for all getting along so well.
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swamp
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Nov 10, 2012 18:00:11 GMT -5
Post by swamp on Nov 10, 2012 18:00:11 GMT -5
I'd tell him to go out on his big boy panties, get in the car, and go see his parents.
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thyme4change
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Nov 10, 2012 18:02:44 GMT -5
Post by thyme4change on Nov 10, 2012 18:02:44 GMT -5
I'd wait until things are calm and ask him if he was really mad at me, or if he was taking his frustrations about his family and misplacing them on me.
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quince
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Nov 10, 2012 18:16:22 GMT -5
Post by quince on Nov 10, 2012 18:16:22 GMT -5
I'd let him manage his relationship with his parents the way he wants to. It's not wrong to come from a functional family, but it's also not wrong to not want to see your parents. He actually does not have to do stuff with them if he does not want to, and I don't think it's appropriate to make an adult maintain a relationship that they don't want.
But HE should be the one telling them he doesn't want to see them, not going through you. And he shouldn't attack you. But you shouldn't try to force him to put energy into a relationship he doesn't value, or at least value in the same way you do.
I don't do anything for my parent's anniversary. Because it's THEIRS, not mine. I DO go across the country to see them at least once a year, and absolutely love them, and consider our relationship entirely functional, but if my husband said I had to recognize them in a way HE saw as appropriate, I'd be irritated. And I LIKE my parents.
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violagirl
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Nov 10, 2012 18:24:25 GMT -5
Post by violagirl on Nov 10, 2012 18:24:25 GMT -5
I'd tell him to go out on his big boy panties, get in the car, and go see his parents. Ha. That is what I was THINKING but probably wouldn't help matters. to say aloud. As for talking to him about it later, I'm not sure I want to get into it all over again. I've tried that whole "communication" thing before and he just gets defensive, no matter what, how, when I say anything so I don't bother unless it is something that is vitally important to me.
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Deleted
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Nov 10, 2012 18:40:30 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2012 18:40:30 GMT -5
I was raised by a raging alcoholic step-parent. Part of why we moved away from family was to keep our kids out of that crap.
Spending time back in a family situation that wasn't fun growing up makes me feel stressed out and tends to bring up all the crap that you have been through over the years. It isn't pleasant and you start to wonder why you make the attempt to be "family" when it just makes you feel horrible. I didn't like my step-family then, so why have a relationship with them now when I actually have a choice in the matter?
I have 2 step-siblings in prison/rehab and anther that is a miserable human being. My alcoholic step-parent has cancer. I go back and forth over if I even want to attend their funeral. I may go to be there for my mother, but to see the rest of the family is a huge downer...
I would let your DH deal with his family however he chooses and I would stay out of it.
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violagirl
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Nov 10, 2012 18:47:15 GMT -5
Post by violagirl on Nov 10, 2012 18:47:15 GMT -5
I suppose it is true I can't force him to have a relationship with his parents. I guess the issue is I did not think it was a big deal to accept a dinner invitation. I think there is a certain obligation you have toward your family. It's not like he hates his family or they have a rocky relationship or his Dad's an alcoholic or something. It's just what a good son does. Whether he likes it or not. If your Dad just wants to talk about the same thing, then come up with something else to talk about. That seems logical to me. I'm not a terribly emotional person and I don't want or ask for ceaseless discussions about feelings, but I do require a certain amount of familial bond. So if he is not willing to put the tiniest speck of effort into making his parents happy, then don't do it for him or for them but do it for me. The person he says he loves. And as for the anniversary thing. In our religion we don't celebrate any of the usual holidays most people do, so we generally like to do something thoughtful for parents/spouses on anniversaries. I guess it's not so much about the anniversary but a way to mark a specific day to remember to do something. He's not generally a selfish guy, but I think he is being one now.
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Deleted
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Nov 10, 2012 20:02:35 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2012 20:02:35 GMT -5
The reality is that HE is the one who has to negotiate his relationship with his parents. I think you have been very wise so far about not allowing yourself to be put in the middle. If the two Moms talk, that is fine and completely their business. Their relationship is what it will be. I think you are wise to try encourage them to get together, but really that is all you can do. He either will or won't.
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Sammy
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Nov 10, 2012 20:59:18 GMT -5
Post by Sammy on Nov 10, 2012 20:59:18 GMT -5
violagirl, I read your post and all the responses then reread the entire thread again. There is more to your husbands reaction than appears on the surface. Perhaps talking to a family therapist might help him sort through his hesitancy to keep in touch with his parents. He sounds like a nice guy so I hope he's able to work through whatever problem causing his discomfort.
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lurkyloo
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Nov 10, 2012 21:10:51 GMT -5
Post by lurkyloo on Nov 10, 2012 21:10:51 GMT -5
So...you accepted an invitation without checking with him, and it turned out he didn't want to go? I would say in that case it's your responsibility to call and say that night doesn't work for you. And in the future, if they ask you you can say it's fine with you but they'd better check with him.
<------ has a very uncomfortable relationship with her family, tends to avoid them whenever possible and would be really annoyed if her DH treated her like a child and tried to push her into more
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busymom
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Nov 10, 2012 21:14:10 GMT -5
Post by busymom on Nov 10, 2012 21:14:10 GMT -5
A therapist may be a good idea, if there are issues from his childhood. However, there's a part of me that's thinking: only child. Spoiled. Maybe he's jealous that you seem to have a closer relationship than he does?!? Irregardless, he does not have the right to have a hissy fit at you. My husband tried to chew me out early in our marriage. Once. I chewed him out royally, told him I wouldn't put up with a bad-tempered man, said it like I meant it, & he never did that again. I'm agreeing with other posters at first glance. Being an adult means occasionally having to be in the same room as people you don't necessarily like, & behaving yourself. He needs to put on the big boy panties, I'm thinking....
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violagirl
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Nov 10, 2012 21:57:33 GMT -5
Post by violagirl on Nov 10, 2012 21:57:33 GMT -5
For the record, I did not accept the invitation, we were talking to his mother and said we should get together some time. I guess HE didn't say we should get together, I was talking to his mom, who is a nice lady and why wouldn't we want to see them occasionally??!! So she called to invite us for a family dinner. She left a message Friday.
And I told him the message. Then, this evening, I reminded him to call and tell them if we could go or not, because it is getting late to leave the poor lady wondering if she has to do shopping or cooking for Sunday. I would like the courtesy of a timely heads up if I were in her place. And it was getting late to do it. Then it went downhill from there. He may have been a bit annoyed because we have been out every night this week and he just wanted to stay home tomorrow. In which case he could have just told his mom that we can do it in a few weeks. And I do sometimes make plans without consulting him, for a host of reasons, mainly because if I waited around until he made plans I'd be waiting forever, and after doing things that way early in our marriage I decided if I wanted to do something I'd do it and he could come if he wanted or not. But I wasn't going to sit around waiting for life to happen. But in this case I left it up to him. I hope he isn't going to be all sulky tomorrow because I find it annoying to deal with him in that state.
So then
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8 Bit WWBG
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Nov 10, 2012 22:13:15 GMT -5
Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Nov 10, 2012 22:13:15 GMT -5
...:::"I don't get what the big deal is.":::...
I agree, you don't. You don't get it because you are trying to apply your set of protocols to people who operate on a totally different wavelength. Your way is just as strange to them as theirs is to yours.
...:::"I've tried that whole "communication" thing before and he just gets defensive, no matter what, how, when I say anything so I don't bother unless it is something that is vitally important to me.":::...
Heh, I just got another reminder of this tonight. Sometimes just pretending it never happened is the best way to go.
...:::"So if he is not willing to put the tiniest speck of effort into making his parents happy, then don't do it for him or for them but do it for me. The person he says he loves.":::...
Thats easy to say when you are the one who wants something that you think is reasonable. Its much more fun to use that argument than have it used against you.
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lurkyloo
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Nov 11, 2012 15:42:40 GMT -5
Post by lurkyloo on Nov 11, 2012 15:42:40 GMT -5
Ah, I see. I agree that he's being immature and your MIL deserves an answer. However, it does sounds like it's a sensitive area for him and it's a rare marriage that's improved by one spouse pointing out that the other is acting like a child. I'd probably wait for him to calm down and then try to have an adult discussion about how this should be handled in the future.
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Deleted
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Nov 11, 2012 16:14:44 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2012 16:14:44 GMT -5
What the MIL deserves or doesn't deserve from her son is really NOT the domain of the wife. Sorry. Grownups can work out their own relationships or not. If he doesn't want to interact with her, that is his choice not to do so whether anyone else agrees or disagrees.
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violagirl
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Nov 11, 2012 23:20:42 GMT -5
Post by violagirl on Nov 11, 2012 23:20:42 GMT -5
I would be more understanding of his not wanting to visit if there was some sort of abuse or something like that. But there isn't. It is difficult to encapsulate someone's personality, but he can be an extreme introvert sometimes. That kind of plays into why I have to drag him to do things sometimes. He enjoys himself once he gets there, just getting him there can be a battle sometimes. In this case, today he apologized and we went to dinner and then he didn't seem to want to leave. I don't think it was as bad as he thought it would be, and he made his family happy. And as for leaving the relationship up to him, since they are now MY parents and I like them in general, I suppose I could accept invitations by myself, but I don't think he is THAT against visiting.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Nov 11, 2012 23:57:54 GMT -5
Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Nov 11, 2012 23:57:54 GMT -5
Wow, this might be one for those times in which it's difficult to determine voice/tone from a post one message board.
As someone who doesn't get along with her own mother, please try to understand what some of us are saying. Stop trying to point out why you believe you're correct and those of us who don't get along with our parents are wrong.
1. He is entitled to how he feels. He is not entitled to be mean to you or his mother, but he is entitled to not want to interact with her. Because of his feelings, he may only have two choices: avoid interaction or lose his temper. So, he chooses to avoid interaction.
2. Why would you choose your MIL over your husband? How is that justifiable in your brain and/or heart?
3. They are not your parents. I repeat, they are not your parents. You made a commitment to your husband. You did not marry his parents.
4. One of two things must have happened for you: either you knew your husband was introverted when you married him or you didn't know his relationship with parents. Either way, you married him. There's just not much changing him now unless he wants to change.
Again, I hope I've put more emphasis and exaggeration on your tone than you actually intended.
I can't handle being in the same room with my mother for very long--more than an hour or two. I cannot go to her home right now. There are many layers to the reasons for that. My husband chooses to support me and my choices about how I interact with my mother. He doesn't make me feel bad for the emotional and anxious response I have to my mother. He helps me communicate with her in ways i feel comfortable. he doesn't force me to interact with her because he knows i will have panic attacks before and much decompressing afterwards if i cannot interact with her on a version of my own terms. I hope you're able to soon see your husband's side of this or at least be willing to find out what his side instead of making assumptions; or better yet, just able to support him instead of dismissing him.
Edited to fix a few of the iPad's autocorrects. ;D
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formerroomate99
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Nov 12, 2012 8:58:53 GMT -5
Post by formerroomate99 on Nov 12, 2012 8:58:53 GMT -5
I think you need to stop trying to force your DH to see his family.
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happyhoix
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Nov 12, 2012 9:13:32 GMT -5
Post by happyhoix on Nov 12, 2012 9:13:32 GMT -5
I agree this is annoying.
My oldest sister won't call our mom. Our mom is 83 and living in an assisting living facility. It would be nice if all her daughters called occasionally. The oldest refuses to do that.
We have a lot of dysfunction in the family, our mom wasn't the best possible mom, there was physical and emotional abuse growing up, but damn, that was 40 something years ago. My other sister and I are busting our asses taking care of mom, taking her to dr's appointments, taking care of her cat, yadda yadda yadda. You would think one five minute phone call every 2 - 3 years wouldn't be asking too much.
I'm the only relative oldest sister talks to, anymore. I figure at some point in the future she will call me up asking for help (she's in bad health and constantly broke) and right now I'm thinking I'll be as helpful to her as she has been to our mom.
Karma and all that.
I don't know what to tell you except that DH may need to talk to a counselor. He doesn't want to spend the next 50 years pissed off at his parents.
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violagirl
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Nov 12, 2012 9:37:37 GMT -5
Post by violagirl on Nov 12, 2012 9:37:37 GMT -5
If this was a situation where he had been abused or neglected, i would be totally on board with letting him ignore them. We've been married almost 15 years and all of a sudden going to their place for a couple hours is a huge issue because he finds it difficult to come up with conversation topics with his Dad? He doesn't hate his parents or anything like that. He just didn't feel like going. Plain and simple. I did not force him to go, I disagreed with his weak reasons for not wanting to spend time with his family, but he was the one that made the phone call. I will support my husband up to a point but if he is being an idiot i'm not going to get behind that. He's not generally an idiot so this was kind of out of character. And i know it is crazy, but i like his parents as "people" so whether he wanted to go or not, I still like them enough to want to see them occasionally.
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swamp
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Nov 12, 2012 9:40:19 GMT -5
Post by swamp on Nov 12, 2012 9:40:19 GMT -5
My mom is in early stages of dementia/Alzheimer's so visiting with her can be very sad and stressful for me. However, she's my mom, I love her, and I can't just quit visiting because it makes me uncomfortable.
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thyme4change
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Nov 12, 2012 9:45:38 GMT -5
Post by thyme4change on Nov 12, 2012 9:45:38 GMT -5
I think my FIL and I have had the same basic conversation every week for 18 years. Meh - family, what can you do.
That reminds me of my neighbor. He died what I would classify an undignified death at the age of 85 years old. I had never met any of his kids until they came to clean out his house. Apparantly he was a drunk jerk when they were growing up, but had been sober 40+ years when he died. I guess they never forgave him, because they didn't so much as come over to check on him during the 6 years I lived next to him. But, when he passed, they were sure insistent on getting top dollar for his house.
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lurkyloo
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Nov 12, 2012 11:45:25 GMT -5
Post by lurkyloo on Nov 12, 2012 11:45:25 GMT -5
Childhood scars run deep. To those who grew up with abuse and/or addiction: it's great if you managed to get past it. Please don't judge those who haven't.
swamp, I'm sorry about your mother.
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thyme4change
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Nov 12, 2012 12:05:27 GMT -5
Post by thyme4change on Nov 12, 2012 12:05:27 GMT -5
I agree that he doesn't have to have dinner with his parents if he doesn't want to - but if she calls and invites them to dinner, he needs to at least send her an email and say that he got the message and they are not coming. I mean, if you want to cut off your family, man up and tell them you are cutting them off.
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happyhoix
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Nov 12, 2012 12:14:54 GMT -5
Post by happyhoix on Nov 12, 2012 12:14:54 GMT -5
Childhood scars run deep. To those who grew up with abuse and/or addiction: it's great if you managed to get past it. Please don't judge those who haven't. I grew up in the same house, with the same physical and mental abuse. Yeah it sucks but we're not the only people raised in crappy households. Mom wasn't a complete monster, she did take care of us in a way, but my oldest sister is too busy being a victim to think about that. It's also interesting that oldest sister managed to call mom back when mom had a checkbook and would give her money, if older sister cried enough about needing it. Then she would call me up and complain that mom hadn't given her enough. (older sister thinks that because she's on disability her relatives should all be giving her money, all the time). Mom doesn't have a check book anymore and suddenly older sister can't think of a reason in the world why she should call.
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alabamagal
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Nov 12, 2012 12:15:40 GMT -5
Post by alabamagal on Nov 12, 2012 12:15:40 GMT -5
DH and I have a very similar relationship with our respective families. My family is "normal", we get along great with my parents and brothers, enjoy combined vacations and family times, etc. With DH family, they are somewhat dysfunctional, DH does not get along with his sister and we generally don't enjoy spending time with them. I pretty much deal with my in-laws by just going with the flow, putting in my time and then we go home (we live 3 hours away, so it is not often). But DH has always had issues, mainly because he enjoys being with my family more than his. He has learned to cope with his family over the years.
In your case, your DH just needs to learn to deal with his family. Sounds a lot like mine in that he really doesn't enjoy his family time, and gets frumpy/argumentative about it. Sounds like you just need to deal with it. This does not seem to be anywhere near as bad as requiring "counseling"
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Wisconsin Beth
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Nov 12, 2012 12:52:53 GMT -5
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Nov 12, 2012 12:52:53 GMT -5
So...you accepted an invitation without checking with him, and it turned out he didn't want to go? I would say in that case it's your responsibility to call and say that night doesn't work for you. And in the future, if they ask you you can say it's fine with you but they'd better check with him. Yeah, I'd be thinking hard about telling my MIL that she needs to check with DH. DH and I both close to our respective families and have no real issues with each other's parents. But he's in charge of setting up stuff with his side and I'm in charge of mine. And both sets of parents get along well too. I do suggest things to do/invite his family to. Then it's on him. It works for us.
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goldensam
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Nov 12, 2012 13:42:57 GMT -5
Post by goldensam on Nov 12, 2012 13:42:57 GMT -5
As I've become an adult and moved away from where most of my family is, I have had a chance to reevaluate my relationship with certain members of my family. It has taken some time, and a lot of guilt, but I'm slowly realizing I do not have to continue relationships with people simply because they are related by marriage or blood if I do not want to. The reasons may vary, but they are mine. I extend the same courtesy to my DF.
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Deleted
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Nov 12, 2012 13:45:44 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2012 13:45:44 GMT -5
because he finds it difficult to come up with conversation topics with his Dad? Is his father's health declining? Is he having trouble seeing his parents get older? DH adored his mom and refused to visit her at one point when she was dying. He couldn't cope with losing her. He did eventually go but that time is still a really painful memory for him. It's hard to see your parents age.
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Abby Normal
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Nov 12, 2012 14:02:05 GMT -5
Post by Abby Normal on Nov 12, 2012 14:02:05 GMT -5
First- yeah there is something going on that you don't know about.
second- just because your DH doesn't want to go, doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with his mom and grandmother. I've done many things with my MIL and her mom (when she was still alive) without my DH. They feel "connected" to him, even though he himself is not very good about calling.
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