Driftr
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 10, 2011 13:08:15 GMT -5
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Post by Driftr on Sept 17, 2012 14:12:47 GMT -5
I know many of you have been down this road with a family member, just looking for some advice and direction. I have been getting a lot of drunk calls and texts from my sister lately. I have suspected for the past few years that she might be drinking too much. There has never been any regularity too it and not something I have tracked. But it has increased the last month with my niece, her only daughter off to college. I am stepping up and getting involved now b/c DN has brought it to my attention. DS has been texting and calling DN while she is at school and starting arguments with her. The next day she has no recollection of the events. And then tries to make it DN's fault when it is brought up. DN does not need to be dealing with this now and really a 17 yr old shouldn't have to. So, my question. How do I handle this? DN reaching out to me is not something I take lightly. I have a feeling she may have been covering for DS for sometime now and is sick of it. I don't have a ton a specifics from DN yet. I plan on having a long conversation with her this week before talking to DS this week-end. I appreciate any insight and advice any of you can provide. DS is not by any means a fall down drunk. She runs her own business and is very successful at it. I think she has turned to drinking over the years as a coping mechanism for failed relationships and the ups and downs of life. And now that DN is of too school I fear it will only get worse. Thanks in advance. I suggest you and DN each attend at least one Al-Anon meeting. IMO that should be your first step.
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busymom
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Why is the rum always gone? Oh...that's why.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 21:09:36 GMT -5
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Post by busymom on Sept 17, 2012 19:30:11 GMT -5
I just sent my first child to college. A couple of my friends sent their youngest. They're telling me "empty-nesting" is kinda rough. All of a sudden, after close to 20 years of raising kids, they're free, and they need to redefine who they are. They felt their primary role in life was "Mom", and now they have to rethink that role. (Plus, they have more time than they're used to.)
Hugs to you for trying to help. I think you & DN could get some useful information from Al-Anon. Ultimately, it's up to your Sister to decide to stop drinking.
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Peace Of Mind
Senior Associate
[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:53:02 GMT -5
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Sept 17, 2012 19:39:28 GMT -5
In my experience with alcoholics their "demon" is/was not loving or respecting themselves. Or not thinking they were good enough. How would a person fix that? The only thing I could think of would be therapy. But some I've known got it and it didn't work or they preferred the other solution. Liquid courage. But I'm no expert on the topic. Just a witness to it.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
Senior Associate
"How you win matters." Ender, Ender's Game
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 13:33:09 GMT -5
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Sept 17, 2012 23:47:19 GMT -5
Is there not a difference between doing things for others and being needed by others? I think there is. DH and I do a lot of things for each other, and there would be a huge hole in my life if he was gone, and vice versa, but we'd both survive. I hate to think about staking one's entire life on a person or group of people - that is a heavy burden for others to bear. I wouldn't expect others to bear anything. I thrive on being needed and don't think I could survive if that ever stopped. I couldn't exist simply to exist. I think it is okay to thrive on being needed IF one understands and accepts that the level and types of need are going to significantly change and diminish in time. For example, I am a SAHM to 2 teens. There was a day when they were infants when they would have starved to death without me (or DH or another caring adult). Now, they need me to drive them everywhere and oversee their lives. Huge shift in the amount and level of their need. The day will come when they will need me to love and support them from geographical and temporal distances as they go off and live their own lives -- trusting in the back of their minds that I will always love them and root for them. Again, another huge shift in the level and type of need. I expect and am planning for these shifts and changes. In fact, there ARE days now that I catch myself day-dreaming about going out and doing certain things (travel, etc.) on my own. In some ways, these changes and shifts are bittersweet, but they are necessary for us all to have healthy relationships with our children throughout our time together on this planet. So, it's okay to thrive on being needed. Just as long as you're not still thriving on dressing your kids, giving them baths, and tucking them into bed at night when they're 30 and otherwise capable of doing those things themselves.
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Deleted
Joined: May 16, 2024 4:49:24 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2012 2:16:31 GMT -5
I thought that he would come up with some other reason for living, but instead, he put his head down, brought it back up, and said, " She's found her own addiction. Being needed. "That is pretty profound, and I imagine it's correct. Which explains why she cannot understand or find any other reasons for living. I think it's sad. I think your husband is right on. It is an addiction for her.
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Deleted
Joined: May 16, 2024 4:49:24 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2012 5:49:50 GMT -5
My advice to the OP is to go talk sister to sister and one on one. And, let Sis know how much you love her and that you are concerned. She will probably deny any problem. But, this is going to a long term course of events to get help. And, you will just have to stay the course in keeping the lines of communication open and supporting your niece through this.
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