When do you give up?

[Pants]

Just want to be clear, the 10am and 5am were the most egregious events, rather than the norm. The norm is far more like the 2-4 hour lateness. For the 10am, that was when he was working in a bar, so he was out after the bar closed with his other friends who got off work late.

We do not have a perfect marriage by far, but there are other things that are way more important to me, and I'm not willing to get divorced over this issue, so my options are kind of limited.

[Pants]

Sept 12, 2012 21:27:49 GMT -5 @tbird said:

some worrying points: why is the child care 100% on you? and the bottles too? If the baby gets up at night - that's anybody's time. If you're brestfeeding, he can get up, change the diaper, bring the baby to you. At least some of the time (50%?)

A lot of the time, I find people focus in on something small (he woke me up!) that seems unreasonable and out of proportion - and what they're really saying - a,b,c,........q,r,s, - and then he woke me up!

It's the straw the broke the camels' back, and everyone is saying - it's just a straw? tell that lazy ass camel to get up.

I can't imagine that sleep is not a HUGE issue with a 4 month old. I'm still a bit worried about the potential for substance abuse - alcohol - or maybe something else. Out till 10am? doing what? bars close - and you can only eat breakfast once. I do hope I'm wrong.

Get some sleep! talk it over in a day or two!

Child care is 100% on me during the week because of his current schedule. He is staffed on a special project at work (which has led to good things for our family like promotions and raises) that requires him to work 12 - 9pm and has also meant a LOT of mandatory overtime. It was just supposed to only be May - August. It was a position that he took with both of us understanding that for the first few months of B's life, he would not be around, and that was what it was - he was not really given a choice whether to take the position or not, and his promotion and raise are under review now.

Unfortunately, I called it and said the project would run over and our lives would suck for months, and it turns out I was right. That schedule hopefully ends now by mid-october.

So, since the baby goes to daycare at my work, that means I get up at 5:30, commute an hour with the baby, give her to daycare, work all day, pick up baby, commute an hour to 1.5 hours home, then wash all the bottles, fill them for the morning, do evening care, bathtime, bedtime, etc., then make dinner and pack food for me for the next day. It's a lot. But during the weekend, he has been super-husband/dad. Splitting or taking the lead on chores, changes every diaper, does everything but the breastfeeding.

I just don't want anyone to think that I'm saying he doesn't contribute or that I am trying to bash him unfairly. He does what he can, it's just we're in unfortunate circumstances right now where he's not around as much as any of us would like.

And I'm sure, yes, all of this makes the annoyance of a once/month horrible habit less tolerable. Which is why I'm trying to work on it.

[weltschmerz]

We do not have a perfect marriage by far, but there are other things that are way more important to me, and I'm not willing to get divorced over this issue, so my options are kind of limited.
-------------------
In the grand scheme of things, you can either accept that this man has virtually no concept of time and accept him as he is, or make yourself nuts over it, wringing your hands, getting furious and worrying about him. It's certainly not a hill I would die on. If he says he'll be home at 12:30, just tell yourself that it means 04:00 and that's just the way the guy is built. If the rest of your marriage is sound, then it seems rather insignificant, especially if it happens only once in a while.
I have a friend who is always, always, late. I used to absolutely seeth with fury, feeling all kinds of disrespected, until I realized I could just accept her for who she is, and try to adapt, or cut her out of my life completely. I realized I love her and if we're going to concert or something, make sure I have my own ticket, instead of waiting outside, getting angrier and angrier.
You have a new baby. I wonder if there's an element of postpartum depression to the extremes you're you're feeling.

[Loopdilou]

Sept 12, 2012 22:12:50 GMT -5 @missmargarita said:

Sept 12, 2012 21:19:27 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

And you'd throw the phone at his head and NOT miss this time, right?


bs - You have a valid complaint and I would nip it in the bud asap if I were in your shoes. I hope he hears you!

Yes! I still kick myself for missing his head!

Ditto!

[maraqxa]

But during the weekend, he has been super-husband/dad. Splitting or taking the lead on chores, changes every diaper, does everything but the breastfeeding.

I think its amazing how low expectations we have of men, that if they do certain things they are super husband/ dad. Just an observation.

[Deleted]

In OP's case: this would be a deal breaker for me as a repeat habit. Him staying out that late on weeknights is fine if they agree on that, but him disrupting the entire household to do so is ridiculous. What consequences can you make for a grown man / your partner? I have to say if he wants to act like a kid, treat him like a kid and lock the door. Have him stay with someone else. He's just repeating the cycle over and over and it won't change

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but I just CAN'T imagine treating my husband like a late teenager and locking the door on him.

[Deleted]

Sept 12, 2012 15:42:16 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

::Pretending to be "one of the boys" again is so immature.::

Some people don't have to pretend. Some people, guys included, actually have friends who like to hang out with one another and do stuff.

::Makes you wonder what else he's doing.::

I know, like maybe he's actually smiling and enjoying himself. This must be stopped! Anyone who goes out must be doing terrible horrible things!

::If you want to be college boy forever don't get married and don't have a baby.::

I don't know where/if you went to college, but we didn't go out "occasionally" and stay out till 3am and then come home to our own beds.

Who would have thought that I would agree with Hoops? Someone hold me...I am scared.

[Deleted]

How do you stop getting angry at a habit that bothers you in a big way?

When I truly get tired of trying to change the ways of anyone, is when I stop getting angry. And when I discontinue becoming angry I am as free as a bird. If hoping to change someone is for preference sake only, I am ecstatically free because I realize I have wasted my time trying to form fit someone into something I prefer.. Which most times didn't amount to a hill of beans in the bigger scheme of life..

Find that place of solution/rest and be free. It took me years to find that place, honey.... Years.. I hope you find your place of rest a whole lot sooner than I did. Cherry pick through some of the suggestions here and may sweet sleep soon become yours..

[973beachbum]

Sept 13, 2012 4:57:00 GMT -5 @angel33 said:

In OP's case: this would be a deal breaker for me as a repeat habit. Him staying out that late on weeknights is fine if they agree on that, but him disrupting the entire household to do so is ridiculous. What consequences can you make for a grown man / your partner? I have to say if he wants to act like a kid, treat him like a kid and lock the door. Have him stay with someone else. He's just repeating the cycle over and over and it won't change

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but I just CAN'T imagine treating my husband like a late teenager and locking the door on him.

Could you imagine Goose going out after work and staying out drinking with his buddies for 4 or 6 hours after work when you two had just had a newborn?

[Deleted]

We all have to learn to live together in marriage. I disagree with any "give him an ultimatum" type advice, unless you are truly willing to dissolve your marriage over this. And, sometimes we women assume that our way is the only "right" way. Sorry ladies, but there is nothing inherently wrong with him going out with his buds sometimes. And, some people are chronically late. You KNOW that. And, if you have an otherwise good marriage, you have to give each other the freedom be who you are which means you both have leeway to like what you like and to do things you like to do. And, you give each other the space to do so. Obviously, there are limits in both directions. If he is going to be out till 4 am fine, then he should just say he is going to be out till 4 am. You DON"T want to take the approach of a mother scolding her child. You have to simply sit down together and find out what he thinks is reasonable and what you think is reasonable and go from there.

[Miss Tequila]

"Could you imagine Goose going out after work and staying out drinking with his buddies for 4 or 6 hours after work when you two had just had a newborn? "

He doesn't do it all the time...from what I remember, it is once a month or every few months...it really isn't that big of a deal. Some of you are acting like he is out drinking every night of the week.

[Phoenix84]

In my opinion, it's perfectly fine for him to be doing this in the frequency described by the OP.

I think you need to rethink this whole situation from the ground up. You need to:

1: Come up with new ground rules knowing he's not going to be back until really late. As I said, leave out a blanket and a pillow on the couch for him to sleep on with the understanding if he's not back by midnight, he's sleeping on the couch.

2. Anything he wakes up (dogs and/or baby) are his responsibility to take care of.

3. You need to work on you too. I realize it's easier said than done, but don't panic when you wake up and he's not there. If he does wake you up coming home and taking care of things, try to not let it bother you and go back to sleep.

If that's not good enough, just have him sleep at a motel or with one of his friends.

[973beachbum]

Sept 13, 2012 7:30:07 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

"Could you imagine Goose going out after work and staying out drinking with his buddies for 4 or 6 hours after work when you two had just had a newborn? "

He doesn't do it all the time...from what I remember, it is once a month or every few months...it really isn't that big of a deal. Some of you are acting like he is out drinking every night of the week.

Tina if they had an older child I wouldn't find it that unusual. With having a 4 month old that she is left with almost total responsibility for, and full time work, I find it completely unfathomable.

If we were talking about older kids it would be a different discussion. Personally i wouldn't want to go out till the wee hours of the morning. With a 4 month old and mom not getting much sleep or any help during the week coming home at 4 am and waking the whole house up so she loses what little sleep she might have gotten borders on abuse to me.

I am sure the worry part hormones are part of it. She is still in the post partum stage. Her hormones are raging. She probably only get 4-5 hours of sleep a night. She has no help at all during the week. Then when she goes to work she is expected to be "on" since she chose to come back. That is a lot to put on anyone. Dad acting like it is no big deal would piss the hell out of me.

[zibazinski]

[Pants]

While yes, it is probably partially effected by the baby, we've had this ongoing issue for, like, 5 years now? So it's not all hormones.

[zibazinski]

He's been pulling this shit for 5 years? How old are you and how old is he? This sounds just bizarre to me. Babies change things, you don't want things to change? Don't have a baby.

[giramomma]

Sept 12, 2012 19:47:25 GMT -5 Pants said:

So yes, I do nearly 100% of the childcare right now during the week, and also the cooking/prepping bottles for the next day, etc. He does do what he can, though, cooks breakfast, walks the dogs, and this horrible shift should be ending soon. Hopefully. Maybe. It was supposed to be over 6 weeks ago...

So, since you can't really influence your husband, what can you do to make your routine easier?

Do you crate your dog during the day? I would do that, so you don't have to vacuum/sweep/dust the whole apartment daily. You also might consider purging to make cleaning go easier. Aside from the dog, the apt should stay relatively clean with the two of you being gone for jobs.

I would also go to a laundromat to save time on laundry.

For the cooking, use a crock pot. It takes 5-10 minutes to assemble food, and then the crock pot does all the work. Or, start making double batches of things and freeze them. We do this with things like meatballs, hamburgers, lasagna, soups, chilis, etc. If you have to, eat dinner on paper plates to cut down on your work.

Maybe consider getting a mother's helper one or two nights a week for a few hours.

Bill paying takes me about 10 minutes a month. Our "budget" hasn't changed in the past 8 years, so I don't bother tracking our spending anymore like I used to. Everything else is done on automatic deposits.

Oh, I'd get a nightlight for the bathroom and I'd get yourself those things you put over your eyes when sleeping at night so you don't get woken up by the bright light.

[Pants]

Sept 13, 2012 9:35:58 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Sept 12, 2012 19:47:25 GMT -5 Pants said:

So yes, I do nearly 100% of the childcare right now during the week, and also the cooking/prepping bottles for the next day, etc. He does do what he can, though, cooks breakfast, walks the dogs, and this horrible shift should be ending soon. Hopefully. Maybe. It was supposed to be over 6 weeks ago...

So, since you can't really influence your husband, what can you do to make your routine easier?

Do you crate your dog during the day? I would do that, so you don't have to vacuum/sweep/dust the whole apartment daily. You also might consider purging to make cleaning go easier. Aside from the dog, the apt should stay relatively clean with the two of you being gone for jobs.

I would also go to a laundromat to save time on laundry.

For the cooking, use a crock pot. It takes 5-10 minutes to assemble food, and then the crock pot does all the work. Or, start making double batches of things and freeze them. We do this with things like meatballs, hamburgers, lasagna, soups, chilis, etc. If you have to, eat dinner on paper plates to cut down on your work.

Maybe consider getting a mother's helper one or two nights a week for a few hours.

Bill paying takes me about 10 minutes a month. Our "budget" hasn't changed in the past 8 years, so I don't bother tracking our spending anymore like I used to. Everything else is done on automatic deposits.

Oh, I'd get a nightlight for the bathroom and I'd get yourself those things you put over your eyes when sleeping at night so you don't get woken up by the bright light.

Clean the house every day? Who do you think I am, Martha Stewart?

[giramomma]

Sept 13, 2012 6:52:47 GMT -5 973beachbum said:

Could you imagine Goose going out after work and staying out drinking with his buddies for 4 or 6 hours after work when you two had just had a newborn?

Meh. My DH has left me alone with two kids for 24-48 hours a couple of times during my maternity leave, and has also taken our oldest to professional sporting events, where they are gone for 4-6 hours at a time a few more times.

Once my DH even left me with 3 kids (aged 8 to 8 weeks ) by myself for over 24 hours. I didn't have any help.

Sure, I could be upset that my DH isn't staying at home to help me with our baby. But, that seems rather unfair to our oldest child. Should I tell my oldest kid that life as he has known it has to stop because we have a baby? I can only see that breeding resentment between my kids.

I dunno, in my world, life doesn't stop because we have a baby. And, yes, you don't purposefully wake a baby. But the other family members are not confined to the house because of a baby, either.

[justme]

Have you considered a sound machine? I don't know how it would work with an infant (in that you might not hear her), but they've been constructing a new performing arts building outside my apartment for the last year (grrr...wish I knew before I moved in) and it has been a savior. I still wake up to big noises, but the small ones are drowned out by the white noise.

[Angel!]

Sept 13, 2012 8:15:35 GMT -5 973beachbum said:

Sept 13, 2012 7:30:07 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

"Could you imagine Goose going out after work and staying out drinking with his buddies for 4 or 6 hours after work when you two had just had a newborn? "

He doesn't do it all the time...from what I remember, it is once a month or every few months...it really isn't that big of a deal. Some of you are acting like he is out drinking every night of the week.

Tina if they had an older child I wouldn't find it that unusual. With having a 4 month old that she is left with almost total responsibility for, and full time work, I find it completely unfathomable.

Once every month or two. I don't think that is a big deal at all. So once every 30-60 days he has a long night out with the boys. I find that completely reasonable, as long as on the flip side she gets time to herself when she needs it while he watches the kid.

If he is otherwise a great husband or dad, then it isn't a big deal that he occassionally goes out.

[Miss Tequila]

"Once every month or two. I don't think that is a big deal at all. So once every 30-60 days he has a long night out with the boys. I find that completely reasonable, as long as on the flip side she gets time to herself when she needs it while he watches the kid.
"

Exactly...let's be honest, you can't lose yourself just because you become a parent. I still have friends and I still like to go out and have fun with my friends. I don't do it every week and not even every month, but I DO go. Heck, when my oldest was born my husband was a VP of an HVAC company and his job was to travel Monday through Friday to all of their customers from Maine to Tennassee and out to Indiana...I would have loved it if he was only gone one night every one or two months...I had full responsibility Monday-Friday almost every week...oh, and I had the baby from hell...

Sorry, I don't see the big deal with having a boys night out every month or two...

[Deleted]

And that is why your marriage is a sham!

[Miss Tequila]

"And that is why your marriage is a sham! "

THAT's not why my marriage is a sham

[hoops902]

Sept 13, 2012 9:30:23 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

He's been pulling this shit for 5 years? How old are you and how old is he? This sounds just bizarre to me. Babies change things, you don't want things to change? Don't have a baby.

He's had friends and a social life for 5 years? Totally ridiculous!

[Taxman10]

Sept 13, 2012 10:25:34 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

"And that is why your marriage is a sham! "

THAT's not why my marriage is a sham

I thought it was a sham b/c MT is really a man??

or I guess "was" when they got "married"

[Deleted]

I thought it was the separate finances?

[Miss Tequila]

"I thought it was the separate finances? "

But we didn't separate our finances until AFTER he paid for the surgery...my momma didn't raise no fool

[Deleted]

Do you watch each other do #2? 'Cause it's a real marriage if you do!

[Miss Tequila]

"Do you watch each other do #2? 'Cause it's a real marriage if you do!"

Watch? That's part of foreplay...oops, I think I just channeled my inner-Taxi