Parents who feel their kids are obligated to them

[emma1420]

I'm wondering how others might handle this situation. My mother believes that family members who are better off than her are obligated to help her when she feels she needs help. This belief is strongest with her kids (i.e., me as my brother had the very good sense to move half way across the world), although does extend to her sister and her nieces and nephews.

My mother is in her 50's and on SSI. She believes that when she becomes too financially strapped to live where she lives now (and right now she's being subsized by her mother and to a much lesser extent myself) that she will move in with one of her children. That is our obligation to take care of her. I've tried to tell her that isn't an option, but it just doesn't seem to sink in.

Obviously, I don't want my mother to end up homeless. But, at the same time I don't want her living with me anytime soon. However, I don't know what I can do to help her understand that while she may feel that her kids are obligated to her, her kids don't feel the same. Any suggestions?

[Deleted]

Stop supporting her right now and she will get the message, the more you give the more they ask.

My cutoff limit was when my biological father asked for 5k after I just sent him 2k 3 months prior and had the audacity to get upset after I said Hell NO!

We haven't spoken in over 2 years and I am sure all illusions that I will take care of him in old age are gone now.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I don't think you can really change her mindset and you're going to have to decide (along with your DH) exactly how much you are going to be willing to help her in the future.

My grandparents are the same way, it is expected that my parents bend over backwards to help them in any way they see fit because they gave my parents life.

[justme]

Send her applications to low income housing?

You've already told her, it's not that it "didn't sink in" she just doesn't care what you think/want and assumes you will eventually cave. Do what you need to do so you 1) won't cave and 2) know what you are willing to do and where to find her help.

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

Sept 12, 2012 10:56:38 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Stop supporting her right now and she will get the message, the more you give the more they ask.

If you're subsidizing her now, why shouldn't she expect you to subsidize her later? I'd wean her off your assistance as soon as feasible.

[Tennesseer]

Sept 12, 2012 10:51:36 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

I'm wondering how others might handle this situation. My mother believes that family members who are better off than her are obligated to help her when she feels she needs help. This belief is strongest with her kids (i.e., me as my brother had the very good sense to move half way across the world), although does extend to her sister and her nieces and nephews.

My mother is in her 50's and on SSI. She believes that when she becomes too financially strapped to live where she lives now (and right now she's being subsized by her mother and to a much lesser extent myself) that she will move in with one of her children. That is our obligation to take care of her. I've tried to tell her that isn't an option, but it just doesn't seem to sink in.

Obviously, I don't want my mother to end up homeless. But, at the same time I don't want her living with me anytime soon. However, I don't know what I can do to help her understand that while she may feel that her kids are obligated to her, her kids don't feel the same. Any suggestions?

You and your immediate family should move next door to your brother.

[Deleted]

My parents raised us all to be self-sufficient, and we all take care of ourselves. I couldn't imagine giving any of my relatives thousands of dollars.

[Deleted]

Sept 12, 2012 11:03:22 GMT -5 Rocky Mtn Saver said:

Sept 12, 2012 10:56:38 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Stop supporting her right now and she will get the message, the more you give the more they ask.

If you're subsidizing her now, why shouldn't she expect you to subsidize her later? I'd wean her off your assistance as soon as feasible.

Exactly! She thinks she will still get her way; believe me I am surrounded by folks that share that mentality.

People stopped asking me for money about a year ago because I stopped giving money and practicing NO! Now I am seen as a "dick" and my sister told me my aunt and another cousin were discussing how I never have money on me.

Just say NO and stick to your guns.

[Deleted]

Sept 12, 2012 11:07:56 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

Sept 12, 2012 11:04:14 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

My parents raised us all to be self-sufficient, and we all take care of ourselves. I couldn't imagine giving any of my relatives thousands of dollars.

Curious...How would you feel if, after having been raised to be self-sufficient, your parents then pressured you into giving thousands to another relative?

They would never ask something like that. Hypothetically speaking, I would tell them I couldn't afford to do so and let them move on to the next kid.

[emma1420]

Sept 12, 2012 10:57:11 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I don't think you can really change her mindset and you're going to have to decide (along with your DH) exactly how much you are going to be willing to help her in the future.

My grandparents are the same way, it is expected that my parents bend over backwards to help them in any way they see fit because they gave my parents life.

No DH for me

I'm willing to help now because my 90 year old grandmother lives with my mother and I don't want to see my grandmother homeless. And while I don't provide my mother a lot of money in the grand scheme of things (perhaps $400-500 every few months when she's running short) it's almost always because she says she can't pay the mortgage.

I've told her that after my grandmother dies that I will not be providing any more help, but she doesn't get it at all.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

She probably won't ever get it. People who have the mindset that they are owed because you popped out of their uterus are never going to get that you don't agree with them.

If your plan is to stop after grandma dies, then stick with that plan. She'll get the message even if she doesn't understand/agree with it.

The most important thing is to have a plan so she can't convince you to change your mind. Draw your line (which you have) and stick with it.

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

Can you give assistance to your grandmother directly, rather than giving your mother cash?

[emma1420]

Sept 12, 2012 11:22:50 GMT -5 Rocky Mtn Saver said:

Can you give assistance to your grandmother directly, rather than giving your mother cash?

No. My mother has power of attorney over my grandmother, and even if she didn't my grandmother would just hand the money right over to my mother.

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

What about non-cash assistance? For example, taking her to get her hair done, rather than give cash? Or taking her to a doctor appt and paying a copay directly while there, or writing out a check directly to a provider for your grandmother's service? You could make sure that your funds go directly to helping your grandmother rather than subsidizing your mother's choices.

[emma1420]

Sept 12, 2012 11:03:55 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

You and your immediate family should move next door to your brother.

This may have been a joke, but this is my intention in the next few years. Because my mother's expectations of my brother are far different.

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

Sept 12, 2012 11:33:55 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

Sept 12, 2012 11:03:55 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

You and your immediate family should move next door to your brother.

This may have been a joke, but this is my intention in the next few years. Because my mother's expectations of my brother are far different.

Y'know, this might also have to do with the gender difference between you two. Traditionally, women in the family are expected to provide much more caretaking than men the same family. Not fair, but often the case.

[emma1420]

Sept 12, 2012 11:32:41 GMT -5 Rocky Mtn Saver said:

What about non-cash assistance? For example, taking her to get her hair done, rather than give cash? Or taking her to a doctor appt and paying a copay directly while there, or writing out a check directly to a provider for your grandmother's service? You could make sure that your funds go directly to helping your grandmother rather than subsidizing your mother's choices.

This is a great suggestion, and I've already tried to this a lesser extent, but the expectation is still there that when help is needed for basic bills that I will help.

Some of this is that I need to suck it up and deal with the fall out of saying no. I just have a hard time when I have someone on the phone crying talking about how she and my grandmother will be homeless. I know it's emotional manipuation, but I haven't worked out how to not fall for it.

[emma1420]

Sept 12, 2012 11:36:54 GMT -5 Rocky Mtn Saver said:

Sept 12, 2012 11:33:55 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

This may have been a joke, but this is my intention in the next few years. Because my mother's expectations of my brother are far different.

Y'know, this might also have to do with the gender difference between you two. Traditionally, women in the family are expected to provide much more caretaking than men the same family. Not fair, but often the case.

That doesn't surprise me. And I think some of this has come from the fact that she choose to live with her aging mother, and so expects me to do the same for her. Which won't be happening, even if I have to move to some random island in the Pacific to prevent it.

[andi9899]

Sept 12, 2012 11:40:05 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

Sept 12, 2012 11:32:41 GMT -5 Rocky Mtn Saver said:

What about non-cash assistance? For example, taking her to get her hair done, rather than give cash? Or taking her to a doctor appt and paying a copay directly while there, or writing out a check directly to a provider for your grandmother's service? You could make sure that your funds go directly to helping your grandmother rather than subsidizing your mother's choices.

This is a great suggestion, and I've already tried to this a lesser extent, but the expectation is still there that when help is needed for basic bills that I will help.

Some of this is that I need to suck it up and deal with the fall out of saying no. I just have a hard time when I have someone on the phone crying talking about how she and my grandmother will be homeless. I know it's emotional manipuation, but I haven't worked out how to not fall for it.

What about packing up granny and moving to where your brother lives. Let mom fend for herself.

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

Sept 12, 2012 11:40:05 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

Sept 12, 2012 11:32:41 GMT -5 Rocky Mtn Saver said:

What about non-cash assistance? For example, taking her to get her hair done, rather than give cash? Or taking her to a doctor appt and paying a copay directly while there, or writing out a check directly to a provider for your grandmother's service? You could make sure that your funds go directly to helping your grandmother rather than subsidizing your mother's choices.

This is a great suggestion, and I've already tried to this a lesser extent, but the expectation is still there that when help is needed for basic bills that I will help.

Some of this is that I need to suck it up and deal with the fall out of saying no. I just have a hard time when I have someone on the phone crying talking about how she and my grandmother will be homeless. I know it's emotional manipuation, but I haven't worked out how to not fall for it.

Sadly, you're definitely going to need to work on saying no, which is just going to suck for a while. But Carl is right that it will only get worse the longer that subsidy is allowed to continue.

Would you be willing to tell your mother next time that if she can't provide a roof for them, that your grandmother can live with you? Then, you wouldn't have that threat over your head. Kudos, btw, for loving your grandmother so much to help out!

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

Sept 12, 2012 11:41:44 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

Sept 12, 2012 11:36:54 GMT -5 Rocky Mtn Saver said:

Y'know, this might also have to do with the gender difference between you two. Traditionally, women in the family are expected to provide much more caretaking than men the same family. Not fair, but often the case.

That doesn't surprise me. And I think some of this has come from the fact that she choose to live with her aging mother, and so expects me to do the same for her. Which won't be happening, even if I have to move to some random island in the Pacific to prevent it.

Who owns the house they live in?

[raeoflyte]

No advice just lots of good luck!


I've made a few remarks at family get togethers that we might not be able to pay for our kids college because we think its more important to make sure we don't rely on them in retirement. I didn't think through the implications the first time I said it at my in-laws but decided that it wasn't a bad thing to put out there so they know how we feel about it.

I've told my mom she can live with us, but that is for companionship not financial support. Maybe I'm just a big fat hypocrite! ;D

[Tennesseer]

Sept 12, 2012 11:33:55 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

Sept 12, 2012 11:03:55 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

You and your immediate family should move next door to your brother.

This may have been a joke, but this is my intention in the next few years. Because my mother's expectations of my brother are far different.

It was a joke. But distance from a problem does often help resolve them.

[emma1420]

Sept 12, 2012 11:44:53 GMT -5 Rocky Mtn Saver said:

Sept 12, 2012 11:41:44 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

That doesn't surprise me. And I think some of this has come from the fact that she choose to live with her aging mother, and so expects me to do the same for her. Which won't be happening, even if I have to move to some random island in the Pacific to prevent it.

Who owns the house they live in?

The house is in my mothers name. However, my grandmother paid for half of the house, and the lower level was custom built with her in mind. So the doorways are wide enough for her wheelchair, she has a chair lift, her bathroom has all sorts of grab bars and is wide enough to accomodate a walker and wheelchair.

[emma1420]

Sept 12, 2012 11:45:34 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

No advice just lots of good luck!


I've made a few remarks at family get togethers that we might not be able to pay for our kids college because we think its more important to make sure we don't rely on them in retirement. I didn't think through the implications the first time I said it at my in-laws but decided that it wasn't a bad thing to put out there so they know how we feel about it.

I've told my mom she can live with us, but that is for companionship not financial support. Maybe I'm just a big fat hypocrite! ;D

My parents didn't help pay for college for me. And it didn't hurt me financially. And given the issues with my mother, I'm glad that my dad concentrated on his retirement at the time, because he has never asked me for a penny and is fully capable of taking care of himself. Thank goodness.

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

Sept 12, 2012 11:57:17 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

Sept 12, 2012 11:44:53 GMT -5 Rocky Mtn Saver said:

Who owns the house they live in?

The house is in my mothers name. However, my grandmother paid for half of the house, and the lower level was custom built with her in mind. So the doorways are wide enough for her wheelchair, she has a chair lift, her bathroom has all sorts of grab bars and is wide enough to accomodate a walker and wheelchair.

I was hoping it was in your grandma's name, because you could've cut out the middle man/middle mother. But perhaps the next time your mother calls crying about being homeless, you could ask for the mortgage company/account info and tell her you'll send them the money directly? If she's crying wolf, it might shut her up if it becomes clear that aren't going to give her any cash.

[raeoflyte]

My in-laws didn't help with their kids college either, but there is definitely an expectation that the kids are obligated to help. We have no idea what their retirement plan except that they are spending down the 401k even before MIL retires...

My SIL might be willing to do it. Dh knows how I feel (and he feels the same way, but can't quite reconcile not doing anything for family), so I just sit back and wait to see what will happen.

[emma1420]

Sept 12, 2012 12:05:30 GMT -5 Rocky Mtn Saver said:

I was hoping it was in your grandma's name, because you could've cut out the middle man/middle mother. But perhaps the next time your mother calls crying about being homeless, you could ask for the mortgage company/account info and tell her you'll send them the money directly? If she's crying wolf, it might shut her up if it becomes clear that aren't going to give her any cash.

This is a really good suggestion. I think I'm going to try this. Because she cries about homelessness, but I only have her word where the money is going.

And to be honest, given that she's managed to spend her way through a six figure divorce settlement, and six figure malpractice settlement, with nothing to show for it, lord knows what she's doing with her my money.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

And to be honest, given that she's managed to spend her way through a six figure divorce settlement, and six figure malpractice settlement, with nothing to show for it, lord knows what she's doing with her money.

I am surprised no one has suggested, sitting down with her and going over a budget/spending plan.

All you are dong is enabling your mother... I'd insist on figuring out her income and expenses, setting up a budget...they wiping my hands clean...especially in light of your last post...

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

Sept 12, 2012 12:13:08 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

Sept 12, 2012 12:05:30 GMT -5 Rocky Mtn Saver said:

I was hoping it was in your grandma's name, because you could've cut out the middle man/middle mother. But perhaps the next time your mother calls crying about being homeless, you could ask for the mortgage company/account info and tell her you'll send them the money directly? If she's crying wolf, it might shut her up if it becomes clear that aren't going to give her any cash.

This is a really good suggestion. I think I'm going to try this. Because she cries about homelessness, but I only have her word where the money is going.

And to be honest, given that she's managed to spend her way through a six figure divorce settlement, and six figure malpractice settlement, with nothing to show for it, lord knows what she's doing with her money.

Ding Ding Ding! I think we have a winner. I suspect that if you (and hopefully the other family member) stop providing cash, you will find that the necessary bills are still somehow getting paid. I'd find any alternatives I could instead of giving her cash, even if they are inconvenient to you.

FWIW, even with responsible family members, I usually don't give cash. I will pay the provider directly if the person says it's a medical bill, for example. I want to know that my money is going to a legitimate need, as much as I can.