gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 1,576
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Post by gambler on Jan 28, 2011 20:32:35 GMT -5
1 • I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2 • There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3 • Life is sexually transmitted.
4 • Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5 • The differences between a rut and a grave is the length and depth.
6 • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7 • Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
8 • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
9 • In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
10 • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
11 • Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'
12 • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
13 • Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup ?
14 • Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
15 • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
16 • Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
pondering
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 1,576
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Post by gambler on Jan 28, 2011 20:50:06 GMT -5
It was a tough year, but I made it!!!
But not everyone is as lucky as I am.
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.
Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
See, who says there aren't any jobs??
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Sammy
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:01:55 GMT -5
Posts: 3,335
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Post by Sammy on Jan 28, 2011 21:32:28 GMT -5
Gambler, I enjoyed your two posts......... jOOST so you know.
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
Posts: 10,931
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Post by TD2K on Jan 28, 2011 21:33:15 GMT -5
Life is sexually transmitted.
LOL
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Deleted
Joined: May 5, 2024 11:38:44 GMT -5
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2011 21:36:19 GMT -5
;D
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Deleted
Joined: May 5, 2024 11:38:44 GMT -5
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2011 22:43:58 GMT -5
I LOVED them!
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Peace Of Mind
Senior Associate
[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:53:02 GMT -5
Posts: 15,554
Location: Paradise
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jan 29, 2011 0:03:13 GMT -5
LMAO, Gambler!! Why don't you post more often? Hilarious! I especially like the Beverly Hills parents learning their kids names.
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 1,576
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Post by gambler on Jan 29, 2011 13:07:54 GMT -5
can not post slot during the day it's a work thing
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Mad Dawg Wiccan
Administrator
Rest in Peace
Only Bites Whiners
Joined: Jan 12, 2011 20:40:24 GMT -5
Posts: 9,693
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Post by Mad Dawg Wiccan on Jan 29, 2011 20:38:17 GMT -5
The hallucinogenic properties of certain species of toads was well know to Pre-Colombian Native American Indians. I believe my theory on how this was discovered is quite simple; two or more Indian boys were playing "I Dare You To...". Guys, you know I'm right. Gals, just accept this as a "guy thing", similar to Women's Intuition. What is a mystery to me is how the boy got someone else to try it. I mean, what did he do, go running up to the tribal Medicine Man and say, "Hey, Wise Owl! Lick this toad and you'll see the Great Spirit right here and now! I swear, it's true!"?
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 1,576
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Post by gambler on Jan 30, 2011 15:32:05 GMT -5
things you'll never hear a man say: 8) Here honey, you use the remote. 7) You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big. 6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see! 5) While I'm up, can I get you anything? 4) Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held. 3) Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place. 2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on. 1) We never talk anymore. things you'll never hear a woman say : 8) What do you mean today's our anniversary? 7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV. 6) Ohh, this diamond is way to big! 5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends' 4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small? 3) Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there. 2) I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress. 1) Hey, pull my finger!
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
Posts: 10,931
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Post by TD2K on Jan 30, 2011 15:39:26 GMT -5
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 1,576
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Post by gambler on Jan 31, 2011 20:56:21 GMT -5
Doctors are reporting that many men
are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.
They say they cause severe swelling.
So what's the problem?
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