Deleted
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Jokes
Apr 22, 2011 11:37:20 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2011 11:37:20 GMT -5
I saw something similar before. Still funny!!
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
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Apr 23, 2011 16:18:17 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Apr 23, 2011 16:18:17 GMT -5
With my advance pardon to Swamp Q: Why are lawyers like enemas? A: You hate them until you need one, then you still hate them. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! Q: What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A: The tick drops off after you're dead. Q: How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50? A: "Good morning, your honor." Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A doberman pinscher. Q: Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of having sex? A: Because it's all bad and some is worse. Q: How do you know if a lawyer is well-hung? A: When you can't fit your fingers between the rope and his neck. Q: Why does Washington, D.C. have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? A: New Jersey had first pick. Q: What do you call an honest lawyer? A: An oxymoron. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer? A1: Take your foot off his head. A2: No. Both answers are correct Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand Q: What's the difference between lawyers and potholes? A1: People try to avoid hitting potholes! A2: People do not run over the same pothole more than once.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
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Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
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Jokes
Apr 23, 2011 16:41:36 GMT -5
Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Apr 23, 2011 16:41:36 GMT -5
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
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Apr 23, 2011 16:48:27 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Apr 23, 2011 16:48:27 GMT -5
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
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Apr 23, 2011 16:49:20 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Apr 23, 2011 16:49:20 GMT -5
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
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Apr 23, 2011 16:51:07 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Apr 23, 2011 16:51:07 GMT -5
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
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Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
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Jokes
Apr 23, 2011 17:10:16 GMT -5
Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Apr 23, 2011 17:10:16 GMT -5
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
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Apr 23, 2011 17:13:22 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Apr 23, 2011 17:13:22 GMT -5
I Maxine blocked due to malware/_m5KMKCqrf20/S0J7k1KBBAI/AAAAAAAAAfo/fjq0QxQ2o5A/s400/Maxine+-+Easter+Eggs.jpg[/img]
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
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Jokes
Apr 23, 2011 17:18:17 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Apr 23, 2011 17:18:17 GMT -5
LOLOLOLOLOL
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
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Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
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Jokes
Apr 25, 2011 22:48:30 GMT -5
Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Apr 25, 2011 22:48:30 GMT -5
Good Dentist
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love. After they're done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"
"I Didn't feel a thing!"
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kent
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:13:46 GMT -5
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Apr 26, 2011 12:43:03 GMT -5
Post by kent on Apr 26, 2011 12:43:03 GMT -5
So Bob and John spent most of there adult lives arguing about whether Jesus was Black or White. As it turned out, they both died on the same day. When they met with Saint Peter they asked him the same question. No sooner than doing so, Jesus waked up and said, "Buenas tardes."
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Genuine GA Peach
Senior Member
If your outgo exceeds your income your upkeep will be your downfall.
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Apr 26, 2011 20:35:56 GMT -5
Post by Genuine GA Peach on Apr 26, 2011 20:35:56 GMT -5
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
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Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Jokes
Apr 28, 2011 9:00:53 GMT -5
Post by Artemis Windsong on Apr 28, 2011 9:00:53 GMT -5
This one is for everyone who... a) has kids b) had kids c) was a kid >d) knows a kid e) is going to have kids. I guess that means all of us!! DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said , 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them. I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, 'What's wrong, honey?' She replied, 'What happened to my booger?'
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Artemis Windsong
Senior Associate
The love in me salutes the love in you. M. Williamson
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 19:32:12 GMT -5
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Today's Mood: Twinkling
Location: Wishing Star
Favorite Drink: Fresh, clean cold bottled water.
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Jokes
Apr 28, 2011 9:15:51 GMT -5
Post by Artemis Windsong on Apr 28, 2011 9:15:51 GMT -5
Dear Japan: How does it feel to have something sneak up and destroy you? Sincerely, America
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spydah
Familiar Member
Let's get lost tonight
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 21:28:14 GMT -5
Posts: 894
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Jokes
Apr 29, 2011 9:14:35 GMT -5
Post by spydah on Apr 29, 2011 9:14:35 GMT -5
What??? You want me to put in a two week notice???
How about you NOTICE I'm not here for the next two weeks!!! ;D
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kent
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:13:46 GMT -5
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Jokes
Apr 29, 2011 13:25:06 GMT -5
Post by kent on Apr 29, 2011 13:25:06 GMT -5
A Harley Rider walked into a drug store in Waco , Texas and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help him. The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The biker then agreed and began by saying .......
'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ...........Permanent Erection.
It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'
The pharmacist said ...... 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'
When she returned, she said ...... We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows:
1/3 ownership in the store ....... A company pickup truck ........ Five home cooked dinners a week ....... And $3,000 a month in living expenses.
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Virgil Showlion
Distinguished Associate
Moderator
[b]leones potest resistere[/b]
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Jokes
Apr 29, 2011 17:15:59 GMT -5
Post by Virgil Showlion on Apr 29, 2011 17:15:59 GMT -5
True Story: After returning from a 16-day trip to the MIR space station, Lt. Col. R. Searfoss was helping his wife and three children set the table for dinner. He was getting out the plates when he noticed the salt and pepper shakers in the same cupboard.
Figuring it was easier than making two trips, he let go of the plates in midair and reached for the shakers. A moment later the plates crashed into the countertop.
Flustered and slightly embarrassed, he recalls commenting, "Oh right. That's not going to work here."
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
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Jokes
Apr 29, 2011 18:05:36 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on Apr 29, 2011 18:05:36 GMT -5
LOLOLOLOLOL Virgil. That's priceless.
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DebMD (banned)
Junior Associate
"Banned," they say. "Don't worry," they say. But beneath their words lurks a dark, terrible secret.
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Jokes
May 1, 2011 8:22:01 GMT -5
Post by DebMD (banned) on May 1, 2011 8:22:01 GMT -5
Alcohol Warnings
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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DebMD (banned)
Junior Associate
"Banned," they say. "Don't worry," they say. But beneath their words lurks a dark, terrible secret.
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Jokes
May 1, 2011 8:28:15 GMT -5
Post by DebMD (banned) on May 1, 2011 8:28:15 GMT -5
HOW TO DRIVE FOLKS CRAZY # Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. # Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. # Sniffle incessantly. # Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. # Name your dog "Dog." # Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." # Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." # Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." # Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace". # Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." # Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
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DebMD (banned)
Junior Associate
"Banned," they say. "Don't worry," they say. But beneath their words lurks a dark, terrible secret.
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 20:29:00 GMT -5
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Jokes
May 1, 2011 8:31:15 GMT -5
Post by DebMD (banned) on May 1, 2011 8:31:15 GMT -5
.
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
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May 1, 2011 11:41:57 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on May 1, 2011 11:41:57 GMT -5
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DebMD (banned)
Junior Associate
"Banned," they say. "Don't worry," they say. But beneath their words lurks a dark, terrible secret.
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 20:29:00 GMT -5
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Jokes
May 1, 2011 12:26:39 GMT -5
Post by DebMD (banned) on May 1, 2011 12:26:39 GMT -5
LOL
Some are a cheap date like 1 or 2 drinks, some are expensive to get that way. Hopefully she doesn't throw up... would kinda' ruin the 'ambiance'.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:51 GMT -5
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Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
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Jokes
May 1, 2011 20:08:28 GMT -5
Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on May 1, 2011 20:08:28 GMT -5
The Tiger
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." he wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
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Jokes
May 1, 2011 20:26:30 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on May 1, 2011 20:26:30 GMT -5
Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.
After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."
The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
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Jokes
May 1, 2011 20:28:27 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on May 1, 2011 20:28:27 GMT -5
Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off and go relax."
Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.
He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"
Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
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Jokes
May 1, 2011 20:29:50 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on May 1, 2011 20:29:50 GMT -5
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
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Jokes
May 1, 2011 20:30:13 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on May 1, 2011 20:30:13 GMT -5
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.
You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
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Jokes
May 1, 2011 20:31:04 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on May 1, 2011 20:31:04 GMT -5
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer."
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
Posts: 10,931
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Jokes
May 1, 2011 20:31:45 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on May 1, 2011 20:31:45 GMT -5
Q: What's the Blonde Cheerleader's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
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