NoNamePerson
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Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 25, 2019 18:18:19 GMT -5
The first word I saw was madness followed by sex then spirit- I'm doomed in my defense madness and sex rolled into each other.
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
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Post by Tennesseer on Jan 25, 2019 18:51:45 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 25,720
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 26, 2019 8:41:52 GMT -5
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
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Post by Tennesseer on Jan 26, 2019 16:54:17 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jan 26, 2019 22:36:59 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Jan 27, 2019 7:13:20 GMT -5
The first letters of the words I saw start with M W M. The first two are in the works and the last came true already I saw chocolate, naked and frenzy! Woo-Hoo!
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jan 27, 2019 15:53:08 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jan 27, 2019 15:55:10 GMT -5
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
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Post by gambler on Jan 30, 2019 12:53:37 GMT -5
A pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only 10 minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for two hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation has to mob him to get him down from the pulpit, and they ask him what happened.
The pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, by mistake he put his wife's teeth in and couldn't stop talking.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Jan 31, 2019 16:17:38 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 6, 2019 18:44:15 GMT -5
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 7, 2019 20:31:29 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 10, 2019 19:39:54 GMT -5
Jack knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in his fashion sense.
Jack finally walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
Jack falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing it?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 10, 2019 19:42:02 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
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Favorite Drink: Sometimes I drink water... just to surprise my liver!
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Post by toomuchreality on Feb 11, 2019 2:48:04 GMT -5
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
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Post by gambler on Feb 11, 2019 11:04:27 GMT -5
Use of the car
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
The father responded, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 11, 2019 16:27:09 GMT -5
At this present moment I am choosing a headstone for myself and I saw this. LOL
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 11, 2019 16:29:25 GMT -5
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 11, 2019 16:37:01 GMT -5
At this present moment I am choosing a headstone for myself and I saw this. LOL Mine is in place and has the usual crap already printed on it except dod LOL but on the bottom I had "Pardon Me For Not Getting Up" When I sent order to monument company they sent it back requesting that I initial the PMFNGU part!! I said one day someone might be really sad and see that and have a quick laugh. Low and behold long story short but that is exactly what happened. I actually met the person whose family is near my plot and she said she was squalling her eyes out over loss of her father and saw my grave and burst out laughing. I happened to meet her when we both showed up at same time!!
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 11, 2019 19:17:53 GMT -5
I pictured THE USUAL CRAP printed at the top.. I love that story. It must have been great seeing someone's reaction! That's what I want to do, if I can think of a good line to put at the bottom, but I'm in no rush. I hope
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Tennesseer
Member Emeritus
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 11, 2019 20:22:07 GMT -5
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toomuchreality
Senior Associate
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Post by toomuchreality on Feb 12, 2019 3:37:25 GMT -5
NoNamePersonYou went to visit your own grave? I guess you better do it now, you can't do it later! -If you do, you better wear . (great story!)
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NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 12, 2019 7:46:53 GMT -5
NoNamePerson You went to visit your own grave? I guess you better do it now, you can't do it later! -If you do, you better wear . (great story!) My mother is buried there also. They had a two for one when I moved her here so I let her pay for my plot too. I have since become friends with the whole family - another long story small world sorta thing. They have said there will always be someone to take care of my plot if my son doesn't LOL.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Feb 12, 2019 10:49:58 GMT -5
Not a written joke but a video. This past Friday night, actress Glenn Close was on the Stephen Colbert show. Beginning at the 4 minute mark in the video, Colbert plays a game with Close called Up Close With Glenn Close. Both Close and Colbert will read a short scenario to each other. The person being read the scenario to has to express their reaction to the scenario with only silent facial expressions.
The video is a total of 7 min 41 secs. So you only have to watch 3 plus minutes. Funny and worth the watch.
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
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Post by gambler on Feb 12, 2019 15:19:46 GMT -5
The Proxy
he Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."
Long
Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."
"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.
"You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones.
"You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones.
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared.
"Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph.
"She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers.
"Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
"You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked.
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action."
"Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 12, 2019 23:50:03 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 14, 2019 16:28:22 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 15, 2019 23:32:32 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 15, 2019 23:34:50 GMT -5
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tigerpause
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Post by tigerpause on Feb 15, 2019 23:38:16 GMT -5
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