Mad Dawg Wiccan
Administrator
Rest in Peace
Only Bites Whiners
Joined: Jan 12, 2011 20:40:24 GMT -5
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May 5, 2011 0:08:48 GMT -5
Post by Mad Dawg Wiccan on May 5, 2011 0:08:48 GMT -5
Somehow I'm not either. WTE ? Perhaps because none of us mere mortals have a 100% track record of correct answers to the kibble trivia questions?
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DebMD (banned)
Junior Associate
"Banned," they say. "Don't worry," they say. But beneath their words lurks a dark, terrible secret.
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 20:29:00 GMT -5
Posts: 6,614
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Jokes
May 5, 2011 16:48:13 GMT -5
Post by DebMD (banned) on May 5, 2011 16:48:13 GMT -5
Q: What's the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent man, Mad Dawg Wican? A: Bigfoot has been spotted several several times!!!
And for this I apologize to you to your face Mad Dawg Wican. Not meaning to be snarky or mean as you have been to me.
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Mad Dawg Wiccan
Administrator
Rest in Peace
Only Bites Whiners
Joined: Jan 12, 2011 20:40:24 GMT -5
Posts: 9,693
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Jokes
May 5, 2011 19:29:55 GMT -5
Post by Mad Dawg Wiccan on May 5, 2011 19:29:55 GMT -5
Whatever. Nobody here can decipher your posts anyway.
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 1,576
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Jokes
May 5, 2011 20:36:05 GMT -5
Post by gambler on May 5, 2011 20:36:05 GMT -5
What were OBL's last words?
What were OBL's last words to his wife?
You feed the dog, I'll feed the fishes
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kent
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:13:46 GMT -5
Posts: 3,594
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Jokes
May 6, 2011 16:06:24 GMT -5
Post by kent on May 6, 2011 16:06:24 GMT -5
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
Posts: 10,931
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May 6, 2011 17:20:36 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on May 6, 2011 17:20:36 GMT -5
LOLOLOLOL Kent
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:51 GMT -5
Posts: 43,130
Location: Inside POM's Head
Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
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Jokes
May 6, 2011 18:48:08 GMT -5
Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on May 6, 2011 18:48:08 GMT -5
LOL Kent !!
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
Posts: 10,931
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Jokes
May 6, 2011 20:00:13 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on May 6, 2011 20:00:13 GMT -5
Kent, I sent that to my sister and stepfather, both of which are vets. My stepfather just called me, he loved it.
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
Posts: 10,931
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Jokes
May 6, 2011 22:50:09 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on May 6, 2011 22:50:09 GMT -5
What do you call two blonde brain cells?
Twins
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DebMD (banned)
Junior Associate
"Banned," they say. "Don't worry," they say. But beneath their words lurks a dark, terrible secret.
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 20:29:00 GMT -5
Posts: 6,614
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Jokes
May 6, 2011 23:00:29 GMT -5
Post by DebMD (banned) on May 6, 2011 23:00:29 GMT -5
2 brain cells held together by a spirochete are in trouble when exposed to penicillin.
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ZaireinHD
Senior Associate
Joined: Mar 4, 2011 22:14:27 GMT -5
Posts: 12,407
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Jokes
May 6, 2011 23:54:24 GMT -5
Post by ZaireinHD on May 6, 2011 23:54:24 GMT -5
DEBMD I think the joke should flow like this:
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving all over the road. Just as he is about to blow into the breathalyzer, the police radio informs the policemen of a robbery taking place in a house a short distance away.
The police tell the partygoer to remain where he is, they will be right back; and they run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has 'flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask to see Mr X and she replies that he is in bed with 'flu and has been there all day. However, the police have his driver's license. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.
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ZaireinHD
Senior Associate
Joined: Mar 4, 2011 22:14:27 GMT -5
Posts: 12,407
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Jokes
May 6, 2011 23:59:08 GMT -5
Post by ZaireinHD on May 6, 2011 23:59:08 GMT -5
A man is out when his friend stops by his house. His wife tells the friend her hubby isn't home. The friend says to the wife, "You're a beautiful woman, and I will give you $200 if you show me your boobs! AND I won't tell your husband!"
So she does it and gets $200. Satisfied, he leaves.
A few hours later; the husband comes home. The wife tells him his friend stopped by, and the husband asks, "did he drop off the $200 he owes me?"
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ZaireinHD
Senior Associate
Joined: Mar 4, 2011 22:14:27 GMT -5
Posts: 12,407
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Jokes
May 7, 2011 0:08:48 GMT -5
Post by ZaireinHD on May 7, 2011 0:08:48 GMT -5
A man comes out of a bar and hears a woman call from a dark area in the parking lot: "Twenty dollars." Feeling frisky, he goes for it. A little while into getting his groove on, a policeman pulls in and shines his patrol headlights right at the two humping away. The cop yells, "Hey! What are you doing?" and the man yells back - "Having sex with my wife!" The police officer said "Sorry I didn't know!" and the man replies back, "neither did I till you turned on your headlights"
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Bluerobin
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:24:30 GMT -5
Posts: 17,345
Location: NEPA
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Jokes
May 7, 2011 12:49:29 GMT -5
Post by Bluerobin on May 7, 2011 12:49:29 GMT -5
A man walks into a bar and asks for a Bin Laden. The bartender asks: What's a Bin Laden?
wait for it!
The man says:
Two shots and a splash of water!
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DebMD (banned)
Junior Associate
"Banned," they say. "Don't worry," they say. But beneath their words lurks a dark, terrible secret.
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 20:29:00 GMT -5
Posts: 6,614
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Jokes
May 7, 2011 17:16:40 GMT -5
Post by DebMD (banned) on May 7, 2011 17:16:40 GMT -5
Knock knock who's there? boo boo who? why are you crying?
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Genuine GA Peach
Senior Member
If your outgo exceeds your income your upkeep will be your downfall.
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:03:54 GMT -5
Posts: 3,953
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May 8, 2011 6:02:00 GMT -5
Post by Genuine GA Peach on May 8, 2011 6:02:00 GMT -5
Blue, that's great! LOL!!!!
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Bluerobin
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:24:30 GMT -5
Posts: 17,345
Location: NEPA
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Jokes
May 8, 2011 6:04:15 GMT -5
Post by Bluerobin on May 8, 2011 6:04:15 GMT -5
Peach, it's really bad. But I liked it.
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 1,576
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Jokes
May 8, 2011 8:22:37 GMT -5
Post by gambler on May 8, 2011 8:22:37 GMT -5
A cop
was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover's spot, famous for all obsene activities.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane... and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
Posts: 10,931
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Jokes
May 8, 2011 11:01:31 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on May 8, 2011 11:01:31 GMT -5
The late night comics have loved the chance
"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President Obama full citizenship." —David Letterman
"Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why they're so upset. Everyone in Al Qaeda just got a promotion." -—Craig Ferguson
"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" —Craig Ferguson
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TD2K
Senior Associate
Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 1:19:25 GMT -5
Posts: 10,931
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May 8, 2011 11:03:02 GMT -5
Post by TD2K on May 8, 2011 11:03:02 GMT -5
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kent
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:13:46 GMT -5
Posts: 3,594
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May 9, 2011 10:03:26 GMT -5
Post by kent on May 9, 2011 10:03:26 GMT -5
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes sir. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes sir, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one freaking ear."
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kent
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:13:46 GMT -5
Posts: 3,594
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Jokes
May 13, 2011 13:35:11 GMT -5
Post by kent on May 13, 2011 13:35:11 GMT -5
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Saturday.
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kent
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:13:46 GMT -5
Posts: 3,594
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Jokes
May 13, 2011 17:03:04 GMT -5
Post by kent on May 13, 2011 17:03:04 GMT -5
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free."
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he is going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 1,576
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Jokes
May 13, 2011 18:03:28 GMT -5
Post by gambler on May 13, 2011 18:03:28 GMT -5
Country Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those day-vorces."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 1,576
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Jokes
May 13, 2011 18:05:40 GMT -5
Post by gambler on May 13, 2011 18:05:40 GMT -5
Birds & the Bees
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 1,576
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Jokes
May 13, 2011 18:07:09 GMT -5
Post by gambler on May 13, 2011 18:07:09 GMT -5
Little Hero
Two boys are playing football in Big Springs Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of he nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter from the Huntsville Times, who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Bama fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in North Alabama I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again.
"Little Auburn Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Auburn fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed everyone in the Area was either for Bama or Auburn. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Tennessee fan." the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Hillbilly Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 1,576
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Jokes
May 13, 2011 18:10:39 GMT -5
Post by gambler on May 13, 2011 18:10:39 GMT -5
The Sheer Nightgown
The Sheer Nightgown
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Up stairs the wife thinks ( she's no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.
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gambler
Well-Known Member
"the education of a man is never completed until he dies" Robert E. Lee
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 1,576
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Jokes
May 15, 2011 8:39:21 GMT -5
Post by gambler on May 15, 2011 8:39:21 GMT -5
The Perfect Shot
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
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Genuine GA Peach
Senior Member
If your outgo exceeds your income your upkeep will be your downfall.
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:03:54 GMT -5
Posts: 3,953
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Jokes
May 15, 2011 22:42:43 GMT -5
Post by Genuine GA Peach on May 15, 2011 22:42:43 GMT -5
from another message board: I heard a rumour that Obama has demanded proof that Trump’s hair is real…
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kent
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:13:46 GMT -5
Posts: 3,594
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Jokes
May 16, 2011 12:31:39 GMT -5
Post by kent on May 16, 2011 12:31:39 GMT -5
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said, "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave.”
But, invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: Dave..................You are a veterinarian, you sicko.
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