Spending on you vs your kids?

[telephus44]

I understand what you mean about makign everything about the kids. There's a certain sense in some cultures/families that children are the future - so you need to do everything in life possible to help them be successful, generally spending tons of money on education to help them "succeed." And then you start living vicariously through your children, because they have it so much better than you did, and then the cycle perpetuates.

I bet your cousin got so caught up in "it's all about me" that she hasn't shifted her focus yet to "it's all about the children."

FWIW, while I love my child and yes, children are our future - it can be taken to an extreme. I don't need to put tremendous pressure on my child and sacrafice everything for him. I also need to model an example of healthy self-respect and treat myself that way. That doesn't mean spoiling myself with new cars and the latest clothes, but it doesn't mean wearing rags so he can have a SAT tutor in kindergarten, either.

[Clever Username]

To me, this sounds like your family got into a bout of Evny.
If you want to talk cultural norms, I'll point of that that is on of the Deadly Sins in the Chrisitan Faith.
Sounds more like a conversation of "if I earned so much, I'd do xyz"

I'm not seeing many gaps in these kids' lives.
I'm betting they live in a really nice house, eat ample food, much probably served at restaurants.
The hand-me-down clothes example is funny. If they're buying good clothes, they will outlast the first and probably second child's wear.
By hand-me-down, I'm guessing you mean kid#1's clothes are bought new then passed to #2 and #3.

Speaking of your cultural norms, I'll point out that nationally speaking, most Hatians are not purchasing new clothes and that if you are the 2nd or 3rd person to wear them, you're doing better than most.

[qofcc]

Kids wearing used clothing and kids being dressed like ragamuffins is two different things. I liked dressing my kids up cute when they were little and they never wore worn out clothes & shoes in public (at home for playing in the mud or painting, maybe), but cute clothes and even brand name clothes often came from the thrift store or as hand me downs or were bought on clearance at the end of the previous season (from JCPenney with my employee discount) and stored for next year. When they became teenagers and developed their own styles, they (well, mostly DD) occasionally wanted a certain kind of sneakers or a certain brand of jeans, but those couple of items a few times a year could be bought on sale for less than $50 each and didn't break the budget. My DD insisted on shopping for her own clothes from the time she was 10 or so and quickly learned how much she could get for the money we budgeted and was plenty happy to go to the thrift store and find 10 cute tops for $25 so she could get the brand name sneakers. My son never cared about where the clothes came from or the brand name as long as he liked the way they looked. He liked cotton button shirts with a t-shirt under & khaki pants or jeans and skate shoes from Target. I'd just pick the stuff up at yard sales or thrift stores or on clearance, wash it and hang it in his closet and he'd say, hey, mom there's a cool new shirt in my closet.

I never sent the kids to camp when they were really young, we couldn't afford it. They spent summers playing with their cousins. Activities are different, I'd spend money on t-ball & scouts and I sent my son to a couple weeks of computer programming camp as a teen. We also bought zoo/aquarium and museum memberships and traveled all over on kid vacations a couple of times a year, plus amusement parks, carnivals, going to the lake, movies, etc. I don't think I ever went on a grown ups only vacation of more than one night until the kids were teenagers.

I think I had a good balance on spending money on us as a family, not spending on me taking away from them or them taking away from me. The modest but nice home and car were for all of us, the vacations and dinner out were fun for all of us, we all wore nice but cheap or used clothing, etc.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Jul 7, 2011 8:37:36 GMT -5 phil5185 said:

as a parent you kinda deserve some time off or time to yourself : night out with friends, going away just the two of you, or just other hobbies that does not include the kids.

Yes, you deserve it. But my point was - you may not want to. From your perspective all of those things are fun & desirable - "time off or time to yourself : night out with friends, going away just the two of you". But what if your perspective reverses and those things become a drag?

And sometimes it's really hard to manage to do it. DH and I tried to take a weekend off a few weeks ago. Mom couldn't take the kids due to cataract surgery (I'd forgotten or I wouldn't have asked her); older sister was going to take them but her husband had shingles and was still oozy and therefore still contagious. Younger sister was going to take them but her youngest had lice. We gave up. And now that we're trying to reschedule, no one is available. Although it's not like DH could eat anything anyway so I'm not sure there's a point in trying...

[Wisconsin Beth]

I showed her this thread and she said she did not mean brand name and perfectly ok with target/walmart. The issue is the clothes/sneakers looking like they have seen better days or like they need to be wash.

karma for you for showing her the thread.

[raeoflyte]

I struggle on this when I think about college. Unless my income triples or quadruples I don't think I could spend money for myself to go back to school. If I'm going to spend that kind of money I'd rather save it for my kid(s) college if they go.

I don't have a particular career path that I'm in love with, or that I would to to school and triple or quadruple my salary. I'd be going back more for the experience and education than for an expectation for more money. Pretty sure that will wait at this point until the kid(s) is grown and out of the house.

I'll also 2nd (or 3rd?) Phil and say that I *want* to do things with/for my son. I could never understand how my parents gave up so many nights/weekends driving me to practices, rehearsals, and everything else. Now I look forward to just playing trains when I come home, and as he gets bigger the other activities that will come.

[sil]

This thread makes me wonder what people think of us as parents. My baby girl gets the best hand-me-downs from our friends, and she's very gentle with clothes.

We don't get very many hand-me-downs for my son. He's really rough on his clothes - holes in the knees of his pants, he chews on the hems of his shirts (we're working on this), and most everything has some kind of stain on it by the time he grows out of it. I won't accept hand-me-down clothes for him unless the parents tell me they don't want the clothes back after DS grows out of them, and I wont spend more than $10, maybe $15 on an item of clothes for him, except for shoes and outerwear. (whereas baby girl frequently gets $50 hand-me-down outfits from our friends) Adding to the concern, DS' hair looks tousseled 5 minutes after I comb it (it's cute, just a messy kind of cute)

Based on some of the comments I'm reading here, I wonder if people think I love my daughter more than my son?

EDIT - I do toss clothes with holes in them, but this just means that DS' wardrobe is down to 5 pairs of pants and maybe 8 shirts by the end of a season.

[Wisconsin Beth]

No sil, you're dealing with the reality of the personalities of your kids.

[sil]

Thanks WB - I appreciate that.

Perhaps the same is true for OP's cousins' kids? I have a 10 year old nephew who still couldnt care less about the clothes he wears, so maybe the cousins' kids are the same way.

As for summer camp, I've seen some great programs and I intend to enroll my kids when they are older. OP's cousin has 3 young kids close in age - give them a backyard with chalk, balls, and a sprinkler + the occasional popsicle and that sounds like the makings of a great summer to me!

DS is 5 years old and I'm holding him back from our daycare's summer camp program. They are taking large groups of kids, ages 5-12, to amusement parks, swimming pools, etc 3 days a week. At his age, I dont even want him participating in activities like that without very close supervision.

[tskeeter]

ontrack is right. There is an appropriate balance that should be achieved. Think about it like this. What would happen if you made it possible for you children to live like princes and princesses? What difficulty are you setting them up for when they must adapt to having to provide that lifestyle for themselves, or live a more modest lifestyle? That would be a real shock, and I think, a disservice to your children. The best thing you can do for your kids is to prepare them to function on their own in the real world. That means creating some realistic expectations rather than denying yourselves so the kids can have everything and anything they want.