it's started - helping DH's family financially

[illinicheme]

So I've long known that the state of DH's family's finances is sub-optimal, but yesterday we found out that DH's stepmom left his dad back in April (married ~16 years). I'm sad for them (but totally understand why stepmom-in-law left - FIL is NOT a pleasant person). In the long run, hopefully this will be good for FIL because stepmom-in-law's family is a DISASTER (putting horses on credit cards and whatnot). However, it's not a great situation in the short term.

To top it all off, we learned that FIL's air conditioning is not functioning in his vehicle, but he didn't have the money to fix it. (A necessity not a luxury in Las Vegas in the summer.) So we sent him a check for $1000. And he actually accepted the money, insisting that he'll pay us back (usually too proud to allow us to buy dinner or anything when we visit). Since FIL actually accepted the money, DH is now worried that things may be far worse financially than he assumed.

In my mind I assumed we'd eventually need to help out DH's parents (his mom's situation is also not good), but I didn't think it would be quite so soon. I also wish I had a better handle on what we can expect in the coming years. But I don't think we're at a point where we can start asking the hard questions like full financial disclosure. DH is not close to his either of his parents. They're both still working and in their 60s (I think?).

Guess we'll just be continuing to play it by ear, and maybe try to poke around for some details the next time we visit (hopefully in August).

I'm also thanking my lucky stars that in almost all respects, DH was an apple that was catapulted very far from the tree.

[midjd]

Good luck... as long as you and your DH are on the same page, it should work out. It's hard to map out any kind of plan without concrete details, but as long as one of you isn't "They're not getting a dime" while the other is "Let's take out a HELOC on our house to give them some cash," you two should be OK.

I did have a ;D moment at "putting horses on credit cards", I've got to admit. Something about that just strikes me as funny, even though I know it's not!

[Deleted]

Maybe this time is less about determining what they need but deciding what you and DH are willing to give?

We can afford up to $x per year, we only give $ if we have both discussed it, we only give $ for food, shelter, medical needs, or whatever terms you can live with. You don't have to share the terms with your parents unless they come asking again, but if you and DH are in agreement, it may help avoid some of the resentful threads we see here sometimes.

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

[illinicheme]

Jul 6, 2011 10:27:28 GMT -5 midjd said:

I did have a ;D moment at "putting horses on credit cards", I've got to admit. Something about that just strikes me as funny, even though I know it's not!

My god - the stories we would hear from stepmom-in-law. She's a very nice woman, but not particularly bright. And her one son and three daughters are all a nightmare. Legendary YM thread material - every single one of them. Whenever we would go out to dinner and she'd talk about her family, all you do was nod your head in sympathy and murmuring reassuring noises while trying not to let the horror show on your face!

[midjd]

Craftysarah has a good point. If there are going to be strings attached to the money (and with irresponsible family members, there probably should be) it might be good to have that hashed out before the situation arises.

[Small Biz Owner]

To top it all off, we learned that FIL's air conditioning is not functioning in his vehicle, but he didn't have the money to fix it. (A necessity not a luxury in Las Vegas in the summer.)

Since when? Its only hot and dry. Not hot and humid. Ever wonder how people lived in Nevada before A/C?

we only give $ for food, shelter, medical needs,

Absolutely.

[happyscooter]

I cannot get over the number of people on here who are supporting their parents!! My parents nor my Inlaws would ever ask us for money. HOLY COW!!!

[Deleted]

My brother and I have been contributing to our Mother financially for over 5 years. My brother is 71 and I am 66. My brother is also an attorney, but scared witless when it comes to Mom. Therefore, these past years, he has told her she is still living on "her money" and "has enough to last her until she's 110, she is now 91, lives on her own, drives her car etc. and worked until she was 84. She has no idea we are paying for her lifestyle.

Do I resent her buying $79 bottles of " her perfume" and getting her hair done weekly. Yes, if I think about it too much I really get angry. I guess I'm just happy that my DH and brothers DW are all in agreement on this, and that we both can afford it.

I wonder if I'd like her $70 perfume...

[illinicheme]

Jul 6, 2011 10:38:56 GMT -5 Small Biz Owner said:

To top it all off, we learned that FIL's air conditioning is not functioning in his vehicle, but he didn't have the money to fix it. (A necessity not a luxury in Las Vegas in the summer.)

Since when? Its only hot and dry. Not hot and humid. Ever wonder how people lived in Nevada before A/C?

You're right. It's not an absolute necessity. I just meant to point out that it's not like it's one of the areas of the country where you have a week or two of insanely hot weather.

At any rate, DH wasn't about to let his dad drive around with no AC in Las Vegas in the summer when we've got plenty of available cash to gift.

[phil5185]

At any rate, DH wasn't about to let his dad drive around with no AC in Las Vegas in the summer when we've got plenty of available cash to gift.

In Phoenix, cars with AC became available/commonplace after 1960. Many of us didn't have AC in our second car until 10 to 15 yrs later. I drove a used 1970 Datsun pickup to work for several yrs - not a big deal if your commute is at 7:00A. And doable again at 5:00 but it was unpleasant to get stopped in traffic with no airflow - that's what the towel was for.

AC is nice - but not hardly a necessity.

[alabamagal]

We will be in this situation soon with DH's parents. Even though I do not believe that they mis-spend any money we give them, I insist that my husband pay for anything directly, vs. sending them a check. For a recent purchase of a car battery, we called the repair shop directly and arranged payment via credit card over the phone. We have purchased other items online and had them shipped to them. So far it has not been big money, but I suspect it will get worse and worse as they get older.

We are also nearing the point in our lives where our house will soon be too big (youngest of 3 kids entering senior year of high school). Our plan would be to eventually sell our house and get something smaller, but as long as DH parents are alive, we will not sell in case they need to move it. Our house is actually set up with split bedrooms, so it is pretty much like we have 2 houses with a shared living room, so it would be fairly private living arrangements.

[Deleted]

Jul 6, 2011 10:45:37 GMT -5 happyscooter said:

I cannot get over the number of people on here who are supporting their parents!! My parents nor my Inlaws would ever ask us for money. HOLY COW!!!

I have to admit, I am surprised, too. I would absolutely help my parents or Inlaws financially with whatever I could, but maybe I only think that way because I also know that I won't ever need to.

[tskeeter]

FIL's air conditioning is not functioning in his vehicle, but he didn't have the money to fix it. (A necessity not a luxury in Las Vegas in the summer.)

Since when? Its only hot and dry. Not hot and humid. Ever wonder how people lived in Nevada before A/C?

Ever been in Vegas in the summer time? At 115+ degrees, it's not hot. It's damn hot! Now add the additional heat (maybe another 30 degrees) that accumulates very quickly in a car that is closed up and locked, and you have a car that is pushing 150 degrees or more inside. At those temps you run into unusual things, such as a steering wheel that is so hot you can't hold it to drive the car. When I lived in GA, where it was significantly cooler than Vegas in the summer time, I used to make it a practice to reach in and start the car so the A/C would run and then go back into the office for about 10 minutes so the car would cool down enough that you could actually hold the steering wheel. And I found I had to do this even though I left the windows and the sun roof cracked to keep too much heat from building up in the car. Vegas at 115 degrees would be even worse.

I do believe A/C is a requirement for Vegas in the summer time. When you think about older people and extremely high temperatures, you're talking about more than a personal comfort issue, you are also talking about health risks due to exposure to the extreme heat.

[happyscooter]

Only once have I given my parents money and then they didn't ask for it. My siblings and I gave my parents money to cover their health insurance costs when my mom was out of work with my dad taking him for radiation treatments. $40 a piece for the month. And they tried to pay us back but we all refused. And I know they were humiliated at the thought.

[msgumby]

illinicheme - I think it's good that you were able to help out. While AC isn't absolutely necessary, it's not great for an elderly person to be driving around without it in the summer when it's consistently that hot. If something did happen (heat stroke) your DH would probably not be able to forgive himself for not helping - so it's better to be safe than sorry. I've been in a similar situation - helping out MIL, which while we knew would happen, it happened a lot earlier than we were expecting (we are a few years younger than you). It sounds like you will only be asked to help out for unexpected expenses at this point, but you would be surprised at how many unexpected expenses people have when they don't plan their finances well . One of the biggest expenses we covered was paying for MIL's divorce - and it sounds like you may be in a similar situation. Those things can be pricey - and we wanted it done right because we really wanted to be rid of the ex.

I've found it very useful to vent online about my frustrations because I found there were few people I could vent to in real life about this. My husband and I met young, so most of our friends are shared (or at least well known by both spouses) and we didn't really want to disclose MILs financials to our friends. My family knows of the financial issues and that we were helping, but I felt awkward really unloading to them about this either. My husband is great, but if I would vent frustrations, it was hard for him to listen and not want to change things. If I was worried that we were sending too much money, he would just say - ok lets send less. Often I just wanted to vent about my frustrations without actually changing anything. It can be hard to manage the mixed feelings about wanting to help while seeing them spend money in ways you wouldn't approve or seeing some of your personal financial goals slow down. Make sure you can find a way to manage this without it getting to be too much (my first post was actually because I was up all night worried and had been bottling in my feelings for too long about my frustrations). The other advice would be to keep a careful eye on it to make sure you weren't sending so much money it was affecting your ability to save properly for retirement and other things. We've had to postpone a few projects and other wants, but we have always been able to fill in our needs.

In terms of parents asking help from their kids - it does suprise me how much it seems to happen. My parents have their own financial issues (mostly my mom) but she would probably starve before asking me for money she felt she couldn't pay back. For me this is potentially a bigger problem because she spends like crazy and I often wonder what will happen when she runs out of money and is too proud to take help. My husband's family is very different. None of them have ever really been able to support themselves, so it's a lot more common to ask for and accept help without feeling badly about it. I do know the first few times MIL had to ask for help, she called crying because she had been relatively used to supporting herself and was upset about having to ask for help - and with a young kid she felt she couldn't let her pride stand in the way of looking after her kid.

[illinicheme]

Just to clarify, FIL didn't ask for the money. I think he was just venting to his son on the phone. DH told me about, asked if I was ok with him sending a check, and then transfered the money to FIL without asking him. FIL did say thank you and promise to pay us back. (The fact that FIL accepted the help is what partially alarmed DH. I think we were 50/50 expecting him to turn it down and we were going to have to figure out how to get to Vegas and take the car in for repair ourselves. DH had to do that for a brake repair at one point when he was visiting from grad school.)

FIL and MIL are both teachers. Hopefully they'll have pensions to retire on. I just don't know if it will be enough or not. We'll see. FIL still tries to pay for every meal and press money into DH's hand whenever we visit, so at this point we're just paying back the kindness. We will be trying to find out whether there are still any student loans left from DH's education that FIL is still paying. We can try to take those over if there are any left. (We paid off the ones that were directly in DH's name several years ago.)

MIL seems to be limping along. I think she's probably still getting assistance from her parents. (They live next door to each other in a retirement community in Las Vegas.) We may at some point in the future pay for travel for her to come visit us, but we haven't needed to assist with anything specific.

[whoami]

Its hot in Texas and I'm letting my son drive around with a broken AC. If its hot...tough. I've never heard of anyone suffering heatstroke driving down the road because it's hot outside.

[Gardening Grandma]

As long as you and your DH are on the same page and it's not interferring with your own financial picture, I think it's nice that you want to help your parents. The only caution would be to be aware that the need for help is likely to creep up and the both of you might wanted to discuss what your boundaries are....

[Deleted]

I live in Alabama, which is hot and humid. My first car (in 1974) was a Chevrolet Nova that was a graduation "gift" from my aunt/uncle (guardians). It was actually paid for by the savings from not allowing me to get a driver's license until I graduated from college (they didn't have ot put me on their insurance) and what had been saved from my SS/Va checks.

It had black interior and was horribly HOT in summer, but my then-DH and I kept it for probably 10 years. It was a good car and paid for.

Air conditioning is WONDERFUL, but it really isn't a "necessity."

[Deleted]

I expect we are going to have to help both of my DH's parents, my mom and aunt. I won't mess up our futures or our kids but if I can I will help them. It is likely that aunt needs to crash and burn before some things get fixed and my mom will help her for now. My DH's dad will need help after he retires in 10 years, my mom will need help in 15 years. His mom on the other hand needs help now. She does not know how to work or to save. She spends like there is no tomorrow and lives off other people. I will not have her live with us but she thinks she will move in when I have a kid. We have some money set aside for a real emergency for her.

[zibazinski]

Honestly, not only what is wrong with people who ask others for money but what is wrong with those that actually give it to them?

[illinicheme]

Jul 6, 2011 20:23:08 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Honestly, not only what is wrong with people who ask others for money but what is wrong with those that actually give it to them?

You've never exactly been a ray of sunshine, zib, but good lord are you negative lately.

[Deleted]

Jul 6, 2011 20:39:57 GMT -5 @illinicheme said:

Jul 6, 2011 20:23:08 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Honestly, not only what is wrong with people who ask others for money but what is wrong with those that actually give it to them?

You've never exactly been a ray of sunshine, zib, but good lord are you negative lately.

I agree with the bolded. Are you ok?

[Gardening Grandma]

Jul 6, 2011 20:23:08 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Honestly, not only what is wrong with people who ask others for money but what is wrong with those that actually give it to them?

What is wrong with people who give voluntarily from the generosity of their hearts? Nothing that I can think of.

[lurkyloo]

I dunno...what's wrong with people who voluntarily spend 18+ years structuring their lives around such an extreme time/money/energy suck as a child?

[woodwand]

"We will be trying to find out whether there are still any student loans left from DH's education that FIL is still paying. We can try to take those over if there are any left. (We paid off the ones that were directly in DH's name several years ago.)"

So, even though the folks have never been very well off, they took out student loans for DH's education? I may be tempted to tell FIL, "Dad, partly because of you I got a good education that makes it so we are very comfortable and have money to spare. I want you to have this as a gift of gratitude and love from me."

[zibazinski]

No, it's just that it is unreal to me that there are people out there who actually "hint" if not downright ASK others for money. Money that most of you earned the hard way, by working for it. What kind of people ask for this? My family, myself included, would STARVE or actually GET A FREAKIN' JOB before mooching off others. Most of us grew up without AC in the home, let alone the car, and we are all alive. If you had said his house ac was out, that'd be different but it was a car, for pete's sake. I don't agree with house ac being out for anyone in Vegas, dry heat or not, old or young, but it was a car. But venting is not the same as asking so maybe the two of you jumped to conclusions. I might tell my mom my car needed a new battery but she wouldn't jump to send me a check. TOTALLY ridiculous and now you have started something that will never end. He knows you're going to "help" him out now. Welcome to the world of some other posters on this board, at least the 2 of you are in it together, but most are not and they feel a lot of resentment to the other side of the mooching family. Plus, their spouse for not having a spine.

[zibazinski]

People that are being helped are never grateful and appreciative and they even start to resent the giver.

[illinicheme]

Jul 6, 2011 23:27:05 GMT -5 woodwand said:

So, even though the folks have never been very well off, they took out student loans for DH's education? I may be tempted to tell FIL, "Dad, partly because of you I got a good education that makes it so we are very comfortable and have money to spare. I want you to have this as a gift of gratitude and love from me."

I'm not sure of the exact student loan situation. When we got married, DH had ~$15k in student loans left from undergrad (that we've since paid off). He mentioned at some point that there might also be a few that his dad still had. I don't know if that's still true or how much, which is why we might try to press for details the next time we visit.