coworker complaining about paying for kids

[lazysundays]

My coworker was complaining about how she paid in full for her daughter's college, and the wedding was coming up and she was paying in full for that, and the daughter went over budget and doesn't even realize.

Oh just shut up, if you are gonna gift, than gift and shut up. You brought the burden on yourself. Daughter is well educated and she could pay some of these things for you. You want to complain that you will be paying off her SLs for the next 20 years.

just venting...

[pig]

just venting...

That's probably what she was doing.

[Deleted]

Jul 5, 2011 11:57:34 GMT -5 @pig said:

just venting...

That's probably what she was doing.

She should join a message board.

[lazysundays]

I sometimes wonder that the SL debt taken on by parents is a guilt way to keep some control of their adult children

[swamp]

Jul 5, 2011 11:50:09 GMT -5 lazysundays said:

My coworker was complaining about how she paid in full for her daughter's college, and the wedding was coming up and she was paying in full for that, and the daughter went over budget and doesn't even realize.

Oh just shut up, if you are gonna gift, than gift and shut up. You brought the burden on yourself. Daughter is well educated and she could pay some of these things for you. You want to complain that you will be paying off her SLs for the next 20 years.

just venting...

Mommy Martyr's. They drive me crazy.
There was a Gramma Martyr at my kids dance lessons. She would regularly whine about her kids not appreciating everything she did for the grandkids, how they borrowed her car and returned it with no gas in it, and how she would buy the grandkids clothes and shoes at Walmart and the kids would refuse to let the grandkids wear them because they were "welfare clothes." I told her there was a way to stop it, just stop helping. She said she couldn't. I have no sympathy for her.

[stl76]

"the daughter went over budget and doesn't even realize."

Why didn't she tell her daughter this? The daughter sounds very selfish if you ask me. Just because somebody else is paying for it doesnt mean you have endless supply of money (even if it is her parents).

[lazysundays]

stl- the problem is the parent pays as they go with each bill for the wedding. just give the kid the money and let her budget it herself.. i wonder if the kid even knows how to budget being that mom has been paying all the big bills so far

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Did she even give a budget or does she keep writing checks and then complaining about how much she is spending? For all the daughter knows her mother has a set budget in her head and they are in line with it, but the mom is really just using it as an excuse to be a martyr.

We didn't let my ILs pay for our wedding because we had to listen to how much MIL "wasted" on DH's siblings' weddings. DH pointed out to her an easy way to not spend that much was to just say "no". We didn't want to be talked like that years down the road so we declined right up front.

[MN-Investor]

"the daughter went over budget and doesn't even realize."

Why didn't she tell her daughter this? The daughter sounds very selfish if you ask me. Just because somebody else is paying for it doesnt mean you have endless supply of money (even if it is her parents).

Ahh, but her daughter has learned well. She has learned that she can spend what she wants and their are no consequences. She can spend whatever she wants and all she has to do is put up with some complaining from her mom. She's obviously decided it's worth it. I bet that's been the pattern for her whole life growing up. Why change now?

[stl76]

"Ahh, but her daughter has learned well. She has learned that she can spend what she wants and their are no consequences. She can spend whatever she wants and all she has to do is put up with some complaining from her mom. She's obviously decided it's worth it. I bet that's been the pattern for her whole life growing up. Why change now?"

If that's really how anybody thinks of about their parents, that is pretty shitty!

[Havoc]

Jul 5, 2011 12:32:21 GMT -5 @stl76 said:

"Ahh, but her daughter has learned well. She has learned that she can spend what she wants and their are no consequences. She can spend whatever she wants and all she has to do is put up with some complaining from her mom. She's obviously decided it's worth it. I bet that's been the pattern for her whole life growing up. Why change now?"

If that's really how anybody thinks of about their parents, that is pretty shitty!

I agree, but I have seen situations like this several times now... so it is probably a little more common than it should be. But a sense of responsibility isn't intuitive, it is learned either from the parents or others, so I would say that a large part of this behavior is because the parents are complete enablers, thinking that doing everything for the child with few or no limits, no matter how small or petty, will earn them love or respect, when in fact it seems to do the opposite...

[busymom]

I've met too many parents over the years who won't let their kids "grow up".


I actually got a bit of criticism when DD got her first job. Some people seem to have the idea that you should "let children be children" until they're 18. I believe you have to teach kids the value of money before they turn 18, or they may never learn.

[thyme4change]

I don't feel the story includes enough details for us to decide what really happened.

What if someone came on and said "Uh Oh - my Mom didn't give me a budget and I was trying to be judicious, but she insisted we invite 200 relatives to this party, and now she is bitching behind my back that I've spent too much."

[Deleted]

I agree with Thyme. I think it's funny about how people on financial message boards like to default to thinking that people are selfish or entitled (and probably have one of those 0 down mortgages and in debt up to their eyeballs).

It's probably just as likely that the mom didn't communicate the budget to her in the first place. An easy way to deal with this is to say you'll write up to $x amount for the wedding.

[zibazinski]

I'm dying to see what DF's Princess spends on her wedding. When I think of it, I think of 10k wedding dress-for starters.

[robbase]

I feel the same way about people that say "I hate my job, I absolutely hate it and hate my boss, I work so hard and so long (60 hrs a week or whatever ___ fill in the blank), have no free time, etc."

But then they are buying all kinds of expensive crap, popping out kids like crazy, etc.

I say to myself "this is like the Sesame Street segment- which one of these things don't belong?"---

obviously you may HATE your job, but apparently you like HAVING EXPENSIVE CRAP &/or having kids MORE, so STFU and do what you have to do, this is self imposed.

[Deleted]

I think Mommy is complaining because she has been taught it is rude to brag.

[stl76]

"It's probably just as likely that the mom didn't communicate the budget to her in the first place."

That is a big possibility. But just because the mom/parents are paying for it doesn't make it automatically "anything goes". The daughter could also have asked what the budget is.

[zibazinski]

The latest was Princess was whining about having to work this summer instead of playing at the lake cottage all summer so she wants to go to grad school so she can have summers off, of course on DF's nickel. I said "What a good thing her employer pays for grad school, " and "Yes, it sucks that she has to grow up and get a job like the rest of the world and princess time is over." Amazingly, DF didn't "bite" and tell her he'd be forking it over which is what she expected him to do.

[busymom]

My DD has a pretty good attittude (most of the time) when it comes to money, but it genuinely shocks me how many kids she knows who feel "entitled" to going on every class trip the school offers, insist on the latest cell phone with all the gadgets, etc., while doing NOTHING to contribute towards what they want. Some of those kids are so lazy they aren't even helping with the housework at home. They're gonna make interesting adults (if they ever move out of their Mom's house).

[Deleted]

"the daughter went over budget and doesn't even realize."

If the daughter doesn't even realize she went over budget, the budget probably wasn't clear from the beginning. I think that's more the mother's fault than the daughters.

[Clever Username]

Jul 5, 2011 23:59:57 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

"the daughter went over budget and doesn't even realize."

If the daughter doesn't even realize she went over budget, the budget probably wasn't clear from the beginning. I think that's more the mother's fault than the daughters.

I see a this as a whole heap of "not my problem."
Tell her to write the check for the budgeted amount and wish the daughter luck on her wedding plans.

[Phoenix84]

There's a real simple solution to the wedding problem, say I'll give you $X for the wedding, period, end of story. If they go over that's their problem. I don't see why you would write a blank check to your kids for a wedding.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I don't see why you would write a blank check to your kids for a wedding.

So you can be a martyr?

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"Ahh, but her daughter has learned well. She has learned that she can spend what she wants and their are no consequences. She can spend whatever she wants and all she has to do is put up with some complaining from her mom. She's obviously decided it's worth it. I bet that's been the pattern for her whole life growing up. Why change now?":::...

This is how government contracting works as well.

[tea4me]

Do people that complain about paying for kids want the rest of us to chip in and help out financially? That's what I think sometimes.

No, I don't feel sorry for them. We all make choices in life.

[thyme4change]

Some of those kids are so lazy they aren't even helping with the housework at home. They're gonna make interesting adults (if they ever move out of their Mom's house).

I was like this. My parents didn't require much of me at all. But, it all turned out okay. I believe that peer pressure and not wanting to be the biggest loser in my group of friends made me pull myself together.