zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 4, 2011 8:28:01 GMT -5
I think the most shocking thing was total strangers trying to touch your belly or asking if they could. Unreal. The world with no class. Asking anyone their family plans is such a huge no-no, I can't even imagine it.
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Post by robbase on Jul 4, 2011 8:30:56 GMT -5
then you'll really hear some things! So far I've heard, "oh wow, you're getting so BIG!"
isn't this just stating the obvious? isn't that what is supposed to happen when you get preggers (that you get bigger)? what's wrong / rude with saying that? doesn't that just imply you seem to be tracking for a healthy pregnancy / baby (fetus / baby should be well nourished?) Are people really this sensitive?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2011 8:37:43 GMT -5
then you'll really hear some things! So far I've heard, "oh wow, you're getting so BIG!" isn't this just stating the obvious? isn't that what is supposed to happen when you get preggers (that you get bigger)? what's wrong / rude with saying that? doesn't that just imply you seem to be tracking for a healthy pregnancy / baby (fetus / baby should be well nourished?) Are people really this sensitive? yes, it IS stating the obvious - all the more reason I find it extremely annoying and unnecessary. I know I'm getting bigger, so why does it need to be said every time you see me? And YES, I am sensitive. I grew up being teased a lot about being fat. I'm not fat anymore aside from being pregnant, but I still don't like to hear that I'm "big". How about saying that I look good or healthy? If you're trying to say that I'm on track to deliver a healthy baby, then just say that! It's not that many more words! Sorry, rant over.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2011 8:40:15 GMT -5
I think the most shocking thing was total strangers trying to touch your belly or asking if they could. Unreal. The world with no class. Asking anyone their family plans is such a huge no-no, I can't even imagine it. luckily I've only had a couple of family members touch my belly and one touchy-feely co-worker who KNOWS that I don't appreciate her touchy-feely ways. And yes, it's none of my business how your family planning is going - I'd never think to ask.
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Post by robbase on Jul 4, 2011 8:51:10 GMT -5
interesting...... I have no problem with someone asking IF we plan to have kids (even if it is phrased as "when" do you plan to have kids), it is a normal part of conversation / getting to know someone in my oppinion, akin to asking "what do you do for work?" etc. How did so many things become touchy and taboo? (i.e. money matters and things like that?) Why can't offended people simply say "I am not comfortable discussing that (or whatever)"
what I find troubling is after you tell someone the answer and they don't like it or disagree that they continue to try to change your mind over and over again. But again as I stated before, even that is not a trouble for me because I have absolutely no trouble telling someone to STFU (at first I will say it a polite sort of way, but once my elevation criteria is met I will straight up say STFU)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2011 9:41:00 GMT -5
Robbase, that is the thing. I have no problem with someone asking. Usually that is the first question people ask when they find out I am married. It's usually: "Oh, you're married! Do you have kids (sometimes it's just how many kids?)?" Followed by " Planning on Kids"
The issue is when they start lecturing you on how you should either - be having them - not wait too long - or my wife's favorite: "her clock is ticking". She is freaking 26 for crying out loud but people make it sound like menopause is around the corner.
I think STFU might be my next move.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 4, 2011 9:47:42 GMT -5
Yeah, it's hard to go the STFU route when it's family, though... especially the in-laws!
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Post by robbase on Jul 4, 2011 9:53:52 GMT -5
Yeah, it's hard to go the STFU route when it's family, though... especially the in-laws!
and it is hard to set boundaries years into a relationship as well. Better sooner vs. later, and better harsher when it is warranted. If it damages / destroys the relationship, so be it IMO.....I value my personal sanity more than a "relationship" with family. But to each their own--but then you have to realize everything has a cost and a benefit IMO, so don't whine about the "cost" (people giving you grief about when are you having kids or whatever) if you are getting the "benefit" ("relationship" with family)
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telephus44
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Post by telephus44 on Jul 4, 2011 11:46:11 GMT -5
Honestly, the comments like Wow you're getting big, when are you due, do you know what you're having, how are you feeling, etc never really bothered me. No one tried to touch my belly. I know so women who do get uber-sensitive about that, though.
As far as my in-laws, I usually just go with some version of "It'll happen according to God's plan." I'm not super religious, and not even Christian, but they are, so it's a good enough response for them. They struggled for 3 years to get pregnant with my DH, so it's a good line for me.
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DVM gone riding
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Post by DVM gone riding on Jul 4, 2011 12:03:59 GMT -5
My mom keeps asking when I am going to have kids...considering I am not currently with anyone etc. I find this annoying, esp since I would like to be married with children as I turn 30, last time I said "well I guess I could go to the sperm bank and take care of that..." That has shut her up for now but I have no hope whatsoever that once I do finally meet someone and get married that the comments won't start up from the moment we say "I do"
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 4, 2011 12:19:33 GMT -5
Of course we got the : you cannot wait forever, you can make it work and the God will provide. . JFC, you guys are in your 20's. You have a good 10 years of fertility ahead of you. And God doesn't pay the mortgage, sorry. That being said. My MIL asked me at our wedding reception when she could expect a grandchild. . I had an overwhelming urge to deck her.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jul 5, 2011 1:30:41 GMT -5
I can't have children and when I would met total strangers they would as if I was married then how long then if I had children, next was why not? So people I haven't known 2 minutes yet asking about my most painful problem was pretty rude. I got tired of it so started giving reasons that were plainly the same as saying non of your business. My favorite was to say I was waiting for 65 so I could stay home and enjoy them. I often said I was too young to have children even when I was old. Sometimes I would just say I didn't like children. My family knew I couldn't so didn't pry.
One young couple used to say they would rather have goldfish than children because when they get lippy you can flush them. Now they are an old couple and had two kids who have finished college.
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Post by robbase on Jul 5, 2011 3:52:59 GMT -5
I can't have children and when I would met total strangers they would as if I was married then how long then if I had children, next was why not? So people I haven't known 2 minutes yet asking about my most painful problem was pretty rude.
IMO it is not "rude" to ask initially, it is "rude" to KEEP asking after the question has been answered. Sorry about your issues, but how is anyone else supposed to know? Are they supposed to be psychic? It is a NORMAL conversation topic IMO. Most people can have children.
Is asking what someone does for a living a "rude" topic? What if the person is unemployed due to a medical issue (bad back or whatever) and is on disability (something you couldn't visibly tell from just knowing the person / seeing the person for the first time) and CANNOT work? What if this fact really upsets the person? Should you have somehow magically known not to ask this question? Were you now in fact "rude"?
People really need to get over themselves IMO. Again sorry for your issue, but this is normal conversation IMO. It gets "rude" when the person just keeps on asking after the question has been answered.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2011 5:52:36 GMT -5
Rob, I don't think crone (and most people) have a problem with others asking IF they have kids - we have a problem with people asking "why not" or "when are you planning to". You're right - asking someone if they have kids is part of normal conversation, but prying further when the answer is "no" is IMO rude.
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Post by dragonfly7 on Jul 5, 2011 11:11:37 GMT -5
"Where are you from? Are you married? Do you have kids? What do you do? Where do you go to church?" are all very normal questions in this area from people I have just met. After the 3rd year of marriage, though, most of the time it is automatically, "How old are your kids?" (And my answers are, usually quite briefly, "Cities & states, yes, not living, teacher and looking, and name of church.")
No one in our families has even mentioned having more children yet, but DH is certainly acting like his biological clock is ticking lately! We've been together 7 years and married almost 5. He is nearly 29; I am 26. I think he is comparing us to our high school and college friends, most of whom have at least had their first child in the past couple of years, if not 2-4 of them by now. I do want more children, just not right now. He'd like them to spring fully formed from my forehead. I'm anticipating a big fight about this before the summer is over. *Sigh*
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 5, 2011 11:14:00 GMT -5
::He'd like them to spring fully formed from my forehead:: I'd probably have more if they came that way, too.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 5, 2011 11:20:05 GMT -5
We get "So when are you having another one?" since now we have one child. My SIL asked me that question the day I got out of the hospital after having DD! I looked her straight in the eye and told her I just had the first one two days ago and the topic is not up for discussion at this time. Shut her up pretty fast. Now that you have told everyone you are sterile people are going to remember that, it's going to cause them to get REALLY nosy when you do actually decide to have children. They are going to now want to know HOW your wife got pregnant and be prepared for more questions if you answer that you did it hte old fashioned way. You don't need to offer up excuses or rationale as to why you don't have kids yet. You just need to say you don't want any right now and change the subject. If that doesn't work do what I did with my SIL and state that the topic is closed. It at least gets them to be quiet for awhile. You never can shut up family forever. I've even had my SIL explaining to me how I should time my kids so they are exactly two years apart because "that's the perfect time to have kids". I said great you want to have the second one for me? You. don't. want. kids. End of story. You don't need to explain why not, you do not need to give a timeline as to when you are thinking abotu it, you don't need to make up lies (which will come back to bite you in the ass later). The only person the subject is up for discussion with is your WIFE and that's all you have to tell people. Doesn't mean they will shut up, but you don't owe anyone an in-depth discussion on the subject. I told DH I felt like I was supposed to throw a parade when I went off the pill because everyone was so damn nosy. It's taken having a kid to finally get my backbone and tell everyone to shut up about potenital child #2 it is none of your beeswax.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jul 5, 2011 11:38:54 GMT -5
One of my favorite responses when I was getting nagged about why I wasn't engaged yet: "We're waiting until our troops come home". That ought to buy you a decade or so.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 5, 2011 12:00:41 GMT -5
Well, my mom was the opposite. She told me that she didn't want to be a grandmother yet, and therefore we shouldn't have kids right after we got married.
You and your wife may want to check out the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend, and then practice, practice, practice on each other.
It seems as if you all have families that may not like, want, or understand boundaries. You may get flack for that.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 5, 2011 12:44:26 GMT -5
I agree that to some extent it is normal conversation. Everyone is sensitive about something, so if I offend someone chances are we won't become friends and the problem is solved. But if I can't ever ask a question, we won't be friends either. I try to read into what people are saying and move the topic to something else if they are uncomfortable.
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Clever Username
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Post by Clever Username on Jul 5, 2011 15:25:15 GMT -5
Ack, those type of people annoy me. Tell them to be more subtle and go put on a Barry White CD.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2011 15:27:24 GMT -5
cawaiu,
Don't wait too long to have kids. You can't love a career like you love a child.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 5, 2011 15:30:02 GMT -5
LOL - I watched "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" yesterday for the 5th or 10th or 12th time. I noticed something I had never seen before. THe morning of the wedding, they start the scene by showing her sleeping in her bed, and they pan around her room and you see dozens and dozens of wedding presents. One is a bassinet with a giant bow on it. If I had gotten that as a wedding present I would have dis-invited the guest.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 5, 2011 15:42:25 GMT -5
LOL - I watched "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" yesterday for the 5th or 10th or 12th time. I noticed something I had never seen before. THe morning of the wedding, they start the scene by showing her sleeping in her bed, and they pan around her room and you see dozens and dozens of wedding presents. One is a bassinet with a giant bow on it. If I had gotten that as a wedding present I would have dis-invited the guest. I'll have to rewatch that! Classic! DSIL received a baby name book from her soon to be MIL a few years back.
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