WWYD: Former family death

[Deleted]

If the mods make me, I'll try to stretch and make this money-related. Maybe the family will think I'm trying to inherit something or the other.

Anyway, sometimes when I get bored, I do google searches. I got a MLIS degree so I'm fairly good at them. No idea why, but I did one on my former step-father last night and found his obituary.

He was an incredibly wonderful guy. My own father died when I was five. He married my mother when I was maybe six and they separated when I was seven or so (second grade). She was mentally ill (institutionalized in two states and died a street person in the 80s).

Anyway, I wanted to send my sympathy after I read the obituary. He died six months ago. He and my mother were "legally separated" for several years because he was a devout Catholic (we went to parochial schools while they were together and converted.)

His obituary described an entirely different person, to be honest. He became a deacon in the Baptist church (the Catholic divorce thing back in the 60s, I guess). He owned a service station when my mother was married to him, but he then went to law school and became a lawyer. He had two children . . . a son who became a doctor and a daughter with MY name. Of course, I can't help but wonder if he remembered that a little girl who practiced writing her "new" name because she was going to be adopted (but then it didn't happen).

The only name/address I could pull up was his daughter who lives in my city. I guess he and his second wife moved here (different state) to be close to her. I looked on Facebook (duh), and his daughter is about the age of my own daughter and her kids are the age of my grandkids.

I know my aunt got his help when she took over custody of us in the 1960s. I think my sister contacted him and visited with him and his wife in the 1990s. But can I safely assume his daughter knew that he was married before, that he gave her the same name that I have, and that she wouldn't be bothered by my "sympathy" note?

You guys are my "conscience" to some extent and defintely "extended family." I can't figure out what to do. I keep asking myself who the sympathy note is for. It is probably for ME to express my gratitude.

Should I shut my mouth? It has been about six months since his death if that matters.

[chiver78]

first,

second, IMHO if there is anyone that you ever connected with in his family, I would send a personalized note to them. after all, they knew you way back when. if not, I would just send a general condolence card, signed from your family. it wouldn't have the shared name (since the adoption didn't end up going through) and it could leave out your first name as well, if you wished.

obviously, this man made a huge impact on you and your life. I'm sure he'd appreciate whatever way you chose to show your appreciation. I'm sorry for your loss, both years ago and now, as you realize that he's no longer with us.

[thyme4change]

I think it would be really nice if you sent a simple card that expressed how you remember him be a wonderful and generous man, and that even though he was only in your life a short-time he made a lasting, positive impact on you.

Hopefully she is a nice person and had a good relationship with him and would look at the card as a nice thing with nice things to say about someone she loved. If she is a suspicious person and thinks you are after something, you will prove her wrong because there will be no further contact. But, don't cheat her out of hearing some nice things on the off-chance that she doesn't want to hear them.

[wodehouse]

I'd certainly verify that it is indeed the same person!

I guess you don't really know any of these people. They might be astonished to hear of a former family. Maybe even chagrined and unhappy. On the other hand, since you are offering them a warm, loving memory of their father they may appreciate your offer and you might even gain a new "family". I might contact them but not unload all at once.

[hoops902]

So you the only name you could find was his daughter, which means the sympathy card will go to her I assume. Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if someone you barely knew wrote you and told you that although they only knew your father a short time, they thought he was an "incredibly wonderful guy"?

I would have to think you'd be happy to receive that right? It doesn't sound like he tried to keep you guys some secret. I mean maybe the daughter WILL be bothered, who can predict people. I wouldn't think most normal people would be bothered by that though. Heck even if he didn't tell her he was married before, it's not like he got married, got some women pregnant and then ditched them. The way you paint the picture at least doesn't make it sound like this would be some negative that you'd be bringing up about him in death.

[thyme4change]

If you are worried, you can always say generic things like "I knew your Dad many years ago when I was a child, and he was a positive force in my life." You don't have to specify the whole story.

[Deleted]

Yeah, I've been practicing writing sympathy notes all day. Some just say "your father was a kind, caring person" and another says what he meant to me.

I know his wife knew he'd been married before because my sister visited them. I have no idea about his daughter.

I wish I could say it to him or even his wife. But his daughter's address is the only one I can pull up. It also freaks me out that she is fairly close to my own daughter's age. All this happened fifty years ago to keep it in perspective. I think he was in his thirties when he married my mother (he was a shy man) and maybe in his late forties when he had this daughter.

I do try to think about how she would feel. Like I said, is this "sympathy" note for me or her? I think it is mostly for me, which makes me reluctant to send it. She might prefer to think her family was his first and only family.

I am going nuts thinking about this. Lol.

[Deleted]

I do not get along well at ALL with my first stepmother. But when her mother died, i wanted to acknowledge the woman i knew from my childhood who was a grandmother figure, and who always accepted me on my terms after my father and her daughter divorced. I wrote a very appreciative and honoring letter to that effect and sent it to her husband. I'm not sure if he shared it with others... I found out later he was suffering from alzheimer's onset... so maybe the stepmother ended up opening it anyway. I didn't get an acknowledgement... and really i didn't need one... what i needed to do was honor, in some small way, the person who i knew, who was kind to me, and who had passed on...

Anyway, write it. And i don't think it hurts to send it. To let them know that you remember him fondly too... and appreciated who he was...

I'm not sure that helps?

[tskeeter]

How about using the indirect approach? Contact the daughter, let her know you stumbled across her Dad's obituary, that you had known her Dad when you were a child, and that you would like to contact her Mother. I would think that a note telling the family how big an impact this man had on your life would be welcome. If Mom chooses to share your note with the rest of the family, she can. At a minimum, Mom will know that you think her husband was a wonderful man.

[achelois]

If someone were to write a note to me saying that he or she knew my dad and that my dad had been a positive figure and influence, I would be pleased-- and proud to have had a dad like that.

Guess how I know.

I think it would be a rare person who would resent such a gesture of kindness.

As far as it's being money-related, stamps DO cost 44 cents, so you might solicit opinions on the outlay of such a large sum on non-essentials

[Deleted]

Thanks, Achelois. I was trying to figure out how to make the stamp work within my budget.

Tskeeter, I talked to my sister. She is doing something along the line of what you suggested. She is writing a sympathy note to the widow and sending it to the daughter in a second envelope with a request that she give it to her mom. My sister has talked with the widow so she knows she knows about us.

I am leaning towards that, but then . . . part of me wants a daughter to know what an awesome father she had and how much I loved him when he was sort of "my" father. But, again, that's all about me and not about them.

Dang, this "conscience" thing is hard. Thank you all for your comments, truly. I have appreciated each and every comment.

[haapai]

The shared name might come as a shock if she hasn't heard the story before, but I doubt she is unaware of it. Given the difference in your ages, I see no reason why he would not have mentioned it. So much time passed between him knowing you and having her, that she's hardly a replacement for you.

Is your sister still alive? She could tell you a lot about the visit back in the 1990s.

[bring in the new year]

Southern, can you get the name of the funeral home from the death notice? Usually if you send a note to them, they'll forward it to the wife.

[michelyn8]

Jun 29, 2011 20:29:23 GMT -5 bring in the new year said:

Southern, can you get the name of the funeral home from the death notice? Usually if you send a note to them, they'll forward it to the wife.

I would call the funeral home and make sure they're willing to forward your card before you actually send it. I don't see any reason why they wouldn't but it is possible they won't have the address readily accessible (unlikely but still possible).

I would definately send something. You don't have to go into detail but the acknowledgement will probably be very appreciated. Some people take longer to heal from a loss than others and she may still need the occasional offer of sympathy. I'm FB friends with some of my childhood playmates and not all of them knew my father had passed away in 1993 after we left that neighborhood. When one found out she gave me her condolences and even after all these years her acknowledgement and fond memories of my father mean a lot.

[Deleted]

If the mother knows the daughter knows. And you were step children. It is different than being biological children. There really isn't anything there to freak the daughter out. I'd send the detailed letter. It would be such a nice tribute to him. And most likely a nice gift to the daughter. If he was such a good guy most likely she is a good woman. It just seems to go that way. I really see no negative to sending the card.

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

Jun 29, 2011 18:03:11 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

If you are worried, you can always say generic things like "I knew your Dad many years ago when I was a child, and he was a positive force in my life." You don't have to specify the whole story.

...agreed...

[TheOtherMe]

I would love to hear something like this about my own dad from his daughter from a previous relationship, but her mother filled her with hate about him. All she wants is money from him, which she isn't getting.

Send the card. They will enjoy hearing good things about the man.

[Deleted]

Send the card! Or send cards to both the wife and the daughter. Who doesn't like hearing how wonderful their husband/father was.

Three years later I still like hearing good things about my mom.

[haapai]

IMHO, it is extremely unlikely that the daughter doesn't know that she shares a your first name. She's probably been hearing about the little girl that her father couldn't be a father to for decades. At least that's my take on it. My mom's best friend still talks about the foster child that she couldn't adopt in the 70s. If her son had ever had a daughter, she probably would have been given that name.

[dannylion]

It would be a lovely tribute and perfectly appropriate for you to send a note (written personally by you, not a commercial card) to the widow, the daughter, or both expressing sympathy for their loss and telling them how much he meant to you when he was a part of your life, or sharing whatever else you want since your memories of him are positive. You were a child at the time and not responsible for whatever baggage might have been involved. While it's true that you don't know anything about them, I would just assume that anyone associated with the man you knew would be the kind of people who would appreciate your reaching out to them with your fond memories of their loved one. If any offense is taken on the part of the recipients, it will be a product of the people they are, not of your gesture of sympathy.

[Deleted]

Keep your initial note simple. If they contact you after that, it might be a cue that they'd like to hear more. I'm fortunate in that I haven't lost someone really close to me, but from what I've read, most bereaved people love to hear positive stories about the person they've lost. (When my Uncle, a marathon runner, died of a sudden heart attack at age 42, my mother's favorite note was from a friend who remembered the last time she'd seen him running through town "bare-chested and beautiful".)

They may even be wondering if you know about your former stepfathers death and trying to figure out whether to contact you.

[midjd]

I'm very sorry for your loss, SS

I do think that a note would be a very nice gesture, and good for both you and the daughter. You may want to talk to your sister (since she knows the situation better than we do) to see if a more generalized "your father had a tremendous impact in my life" or specific "he was like a father to me" would be better.

[Clever Username]

I think your sympathy note would be well received.

Your lifes touched briefly and you are changed for the better for it.

[bring in the new year]

Southern,

Although I do think the note is a lovely idea - I don't know that if the mother knows, the daughter knows is true for all families.

Every year it seems I learn something about my mother she never mentionned, and every now and again I tell my aunts things about my grandmother that they never heard.

Some families operate on a Need to Know basis.