Please share "If I was in my mid 30s I would..."

[Mrs. Dinero]

I'm having terrible anxiety today. A friend just died unexpectedly. It has brought me too many emotions to share. I am 34, married with 2 kids, and am constantly looking forward to the future. A future where I can choose to work if I want, take long trips, be more carefree with money and responsibilities. What if I die tomorrow? What would you do differently if you could be 34 again (obviously this is for the crowd that has a few more years of life experience than me). I am looking for my future self here to give me some direction.

[chiver78]

I'm about your age, but would still like to offer up a and condolences for your loss.

[thyme4change]

I had it together in my mid-30's, so I probably wouldn't change much about my life.

Now - if I had to relive my 20's - holy moly - the day isn't long enough for me to enumerate the things I would try to change.

[kgb18]

Mrs. D, I'm 34 too, so I'm not much help in the advice part of this, but I'm so sorry for your loss.

[8 Bit WWBG]

I'm 31, and don't agree with the "folks who have much more life expectancy than me" statement. 34 is still plenty young, and is around the time that many people got their acts together.

I don't like to speculate on what I "could" have done differently -- only what I AM doing differently.

[illinicheme]

My condolences on your loss.

I turn 33 on Monday, so no advice other than to do your best to continue to balance responsibility with living for the present.

[Apple]

I'm only 32, but my son is 13. When he was very little his father--my then-husband--left. I was going to college full time and working nearly full time (30+ hours a week). I don't know what you do right now or how old your kids are, but I would (and am), go to the park more, play in the yard more, do more backyard campouts, play more board games, build more stuff together (I helped DS build a wood chair for his class project a few weeks ago and it was great to get to share something I truly love with him, my passion for woodworking. I haven't been able to do it much for several years, but it's something I enjoy and it relaxes me). I am working all the OT I can to pay for the new house, but still trying to balance that as well. As he gets older I think more about all the little things I should have done with him that he's "too big for" now. So, if you're funding your retirement and paying your bills and doing ok that way, move the family up on the list--even if they are already at the top.

[muttleynfelix]

Sorry for your loss.

[resolution]

I am sorry for your loss. I am 41, so I am older although not by that large of a margin (at least I tell myself that). I lost a friend last year that always lived in the future instead of enjoying the present. I would talk to him on at least a weekly basis about all of his great plans for the future. He had a spreadsheet that he would show me with his savings and retirement plans tracked and milestone dates and all of that. He lived in an efficiency apartment and dreamed about buying a home when he had his retirement all set.

My advice would be that once you have your retirement on track (which I believe you do), go ahead and do the things now that you are planning for the future. Make sure you are also spending time with your family and friends. Don't wait until you reach a certain age to start doing the things that are important to you. Do them now.

The other thing I would recommend is to get regular exercise and take care of your body. I gained about 10 pounds after I hit 35, and it has been a struggle to get it back off and keep it off ever since. I think I would have an easier time staying healthy if I had paid attention right away when my metabolism slowed instead of waiting until I went up a size of clothes and then becoming alarmed after the fact. My parents live in a retirement community and there is a tremendous difference in what activities their friends can do based on how well they take care of their health.

[Deleted]

I am 26 but I will say try to find a balance that makes YOU happy if you were to go tomorrow.

I am still young and plan to do a lot of things but if I were to die tomorrow I would be ok with that because I got:
- travel and see part of the world
- marry the love of my life and been together 8 years
- friends and family members know that I love them and cherish them. I also try to spend as much time with them as possible
- I've made my parents proud

My only regret might be not having a child with my wife or giving our parents grand children but knock on wood we will be able to do so soon.

I am still struggling to find the perfect balance but it's a work in progress.Just make sure you are happy with your current life, and postponing what you can do today finances allowing it.

You can't take it with you

[Poppet]

I'd start reading books on how to start living in the now.

Oh wait. I am already doing that.

[Peace Of Mind]

I'm sorry for your loss. I recently did a thread on EE about Death Bed Regrets. I won't have any, as it stands today. I can tell you to be true to yourself and realize time doing what you enjoy and being with who you love is way more important than money. And stuff is over-rated. It's actually more fun to dream about stuff than actually having it.

Here is what people on their death bed said they most regretted:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

[suziq38]

Jun 21, 2011 16:44:31 GMT -5 Apple said:

I'm only 32, but my son is 13. When he was very little his father--my then-husband--left. I was going to college full time and working nearly full time (30+ hours a week). I don't know what you do right now or how old your kids are, but I would (and am), go to the park more, play in the yard more, do more backyard campouts, play more board games, build more stuff together (I helped DS build a wood chair for his class project a few weeks ago and it was great to get to share something I truly love with him, my passion for woodworking. I haven't been able to do it much for several years, but it's something I enjoy and it relaxes me). I am working all the OT I can to pay for the new house, but still trying to balance that as well. As he gets older I think more about all the little things I should have done with him that he's "too big for" now. So, if you're funding your retirement and paying your bills and doing ok that way, move the family up on the list--even if they are already at the top.

Beautifully said. You did the best you could given what options you had after the EX left.

[maraqxa]

Ask yourself, what is it that you want to do?? Make a list and then try to figure out if you can do it now. I'm 33 so can't offer much advice but I hate the mentality of "I will do this when I retire". What if I can't?? So every year I try to cover something that I want to do.

Sorry for your loss.

[suziq38]

I am a bit older (55), and as we age, $#!t starts "breaking down" in various parts of your body.
I was diagnosed with a pre-cancerous condition in my uterus, so it had to be removed. Not too unusual for a woman of my age.
Once they removed it, they found more of the cells on one of my ovaries. I was really glad that I let them do that (remove the ovaries)!
Anyway, when you have gone through such a surgery and it turns out well so far you are happy.
You also start reading about the other women, young and old,that did not and are not going to "make it."
You just feel sad that they did not catch it in time, or it was the wrong type of illness or cancer, etc.

Anyway I had to reflect on my life thus far, and would have to say that I am very pleased with what I did.

I survived a sad childhood with alcoholic parents.
Parents that would knock you down at every turn because they wanted you to live with them, in their misery, life long.
Having ADD, I still graduated from high school and college, barely.
Rather than live in such an abusive household, I got out as soon as I could, with no money and little resources.

I worked 2 jobs and while going to college to make a living.
I managed get a job after college at a pharmaceutical company,
met an incredible man and get married. We have been married for over 28 years.
He has been nothing short of loving, encouraging, and supporting in many ways. Everything my nuclear family as a child wasn't.
Had two children with him, raising them with an adoptive semi-strict family and education model that I was not familiar with. The complete opposite of they way I was raised. I felt that this way would be better for them.

I quit my great job, and worked part time so I could spend more time with them. Lots of fun times with them.
They remember and their friends remember.

This month DH and I are going to travel locally.
A graduation party for DD's BF in Berkeley, 3 days in Sonoma, 4 days in San Francisco visiting DS, 2 nights in San Luis Obispo.

Next year, I am taking DH to Italy, I have saved enough money with my food bill and coupons to do so.

I have decided that if in a year the cancer comes back, and I have to go through radiation or chemo, I am going to Europe FIRST. Hopefully.
I have NEVER seen it, and since DH is Italian (100%), I want him to see the interesting people, beautiful landscape, and way of life.

I am exercising every day, and enjoying Zumba. I hesitate to jump yet (the surgery set me back), but I like the music, cardio, and dancing.
I am giving away a lot of precious things (jewelry) to my DD (just in case).

I am continuing to work with immigrants that do not speak much English, because it is so rewarding. It is something that I love to do.
I also tutor students for the immigration interview.

I work about 19 or 20 hours a week, and I do not want to work an hour more, unless it is temporary.

I hang out with friends and siblings, walk, visit my mother (who is 86), and spend time with my DH and two adult children.
I want to join Toastmasters International to learn to be a better speaker, take a Spanish class, and CPR course.
I also would like to donate some of my time at the local Cancer Hospital, encouraging others with GYN cancers that have to have hysterectomies.

I guess I want to travel a little more and get a grandchild or two.
That's tough because DD who is 26 and DS who is 24 aren't even married yet. I have decided that I want to spend time with my grandchildren too. I will correct the little mistakes I made with my own kids, LOL. A little more fun times at the library and less sports. Although we will do that too,

There you have it.
My "bucket list."

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

So sorry to hear about your friend.

[suesinfl]

Jun 21, 2011 17:58:59 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

I also would have divorced the X sooner, but then I wouldn't have my wonderful DS. Finish college and had a better handle on my finances, because at 47 I'm dreaming of a time when I can be a little more carefree, but I had a late start, so it will take much longer to get to that place.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry for your loss.

Every day I try to make my son and my husband laugh at least once. It's good to share a smile and a giggle with the people you love.

[schildi]

Jun 21, 2011 16:19:13 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

I had it together in my mid-30's, so I probably wouldn't change much about my life.

Now - if I had to relive my 20's - holy moly - the day isn't long enough for me to enumerate the things I would try to change.

You know ... I can relate. Except that now that I am thinking about it, I probably would not change much of the 20's either. Maybe the smoking, that was pretty dumb. Finally managed to get that taken care of as well though. But it was a lot of fun, wasn't it?

Anyway, my condolences to the OP as well. It can hit any of us, at any time. A close friend of mine, a very active outdoors men, climber, camper, kayak-er, etc. was diagnosed with kidney cancer at the age of 37. He died two years later. Very very sad.
Try to do things you won't regret even if you'd leave tomorrow.

[Colleenz]

Mrs. Dinero - I am sorry for your loss. Your friend may have given you a gift as they passed.

We went through a health scare with DH several years ago. His Dr. was very blunt that there was a 5% chance he would not come out of surgery alive. It prompted us to do all of the will, advance directives, appoint guardians etc that most people put off. It also gave us something deeper.

Fortunately DH came through great. Now every time we have a bad experience (car accident, kid gets the flu etc.) we both smile and say "these are the types of problems we prayed to have." Perspective can be a profound gift.

[michelyn8]

Jun 21, 2011 16:42:23 GMT -5 @illinicheme said:

My condolences on your loss.

I turn 33 on Monday, so no advice other than to do your best to continue to balance responsibility with living for the present.

My birthday is Monday too except I'll be 43. Happy Birthday a few days early. ;D

I have to second not dwelling on what we'd do differently. I used to do that about the mistakes I made but then I realized that if I changed anything I might not have the 3 wonderful children I have. You can't change the past, you can only do the best you can today.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I'm only 28, the one thing I would do differently is how I went to college. That insight has come thru work experience so I don't really regret doing it the way I did it at 18 because it was a smart decision at the time, I just realize now that I could have been even smarter when it came to my plans.

[schildi]

Jun 22, 2011 8:55:42 GMT -5 Lady Gaga Gaga Snerd said:

Sorry for your loss. But, take that as a wake up call to evaluate your own life. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is only a promise. All we have is today. I spent too many years of my life taking things way too seriously. I spent too much time planning my future, my career, where i would go, do, live, etc. So much time that I didn't allow myself to enjoy the present. And, that is where it is at. Taking the time to enjoy what you have right now. Yes, plan for the future. A future that may or may not come or may not come in the way you envinsion. Plan, but don't make planning for retirement your life's obsession which is what seems to be the norm on moneyboards.
Spend some, save some, give some away. Enjoy your family, enjoy the simple things. Work hard but not to the point of neglecting your family. Indulge your family and kids at times. Let them eat too much junk once in awhile or make a mess. Take time to say "hi" to your neighbor. Laugh at all the stupid, silly things and don't get bent out of shape when the dog throws up on the carpet. You will find that even the irritating things of life are endearing because it is life!
So, live a good life keeping what is important in the forefront and carry on. That is all any of us can do.

[Gardening Grandma]

What would you do differently if you could be 34 again

When I was 34, I was dealing with teen aged sons. I wish I had not worried so much and that I had tried to have more fun with them. (Of course, teen aged boys don't want to do anything fun with their mom). We did take some skiing vacations, and camping, but not nearly enough.

So, my response would be "I wish I had enjoyed my kids more".

Mrs D. I am sorry for your loss. I know how startling it is when someone near your age dies. It's worse when they are a close friend and that young. It reminds us of how very fragile and fleeting life is.

[Clever Username]

It's all about balance.
If you like travelling.... travel.
If you're a home body.... do that.
Moderation might be required. I haven't done all that much international travel since my 4 kids popped up, but I found you could rent a great beach house only a 3 hour drive away.

[sammi]

At 55 we're now struggling to pay bills, fund retirement and be healthy. In my early 30's we had 4 kids, low paying jobs and struggled living check to check. Savings was the penny collection and an occasional stashed $20 bill. We were broke but happy, the kids have great childhood memories. We always thought there would be time and money later. Our eldest recently found the FAFSA's we filled out when he started school and saw our income. He found it unbelievable that we supported 6 people on less than he earns now.

If I could do different, I'd start a retirement account, even if I added only $5 at a time, get a degree, and I'd take better care of my body - eating healthier and developing the exercise habit. Now I take a long list of meds daily for a variety of problems, some of which could have been avoided if I had taken better care earlier.

[thyme4change]

needing multiple cars, homes, vacations, corian countertops

Luxury items in houses were very important starting in the 50's - dishwashers and clothes dryers were a show of wealth. Color televisions, microwaves, etc, were all peer pressure to do better. Just because you believe granite is ridiculous doesn't mean my grandmother didn't feel pressure to put a ridiculous, unneccessary and expensive machine to dry clothes, when the clothes line did the same thing.

Don't assume that there was no pressure in previous generations just because the items they considered luxury then are pretty darn standard now.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My FIL has an awesome pension plan that started the day he worked and he worked for the same company for 30 years.

DH and I do not get pensions like his, we HAVE to save retirement. I may not need a million in the bank right this minute but I sure as hell cannot sit back and take comfort in the fact that I have a pension coming to me that will take care of me for the rest of my life.

[thyme4change]

Our parents heard the same drumbeat. But, as a kid, you weren't listening.

[midjd]

The Griswold-mobile! We had one of those. Not to hijack, but I'm a little disappointed that station wagons have fallen out of fashion, I much prefer them to SUVs.

I'm 27 so can't really speak to the OP, but others have had some great input. It seems that striking the balance between enjoying today to the fullest while saving and planning for tomorrow is one of the more difficult tasks in life. I'm still looking for it, myself. Sometimes I think I'm on track to be one of those people who puts off all the "fun" for later, and then later never comes...