zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 17, 2011 13:01:57 GMT -5
If the HS is still in session, ask the counselor about places to post jobs.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jun 17, 2011 13:05:01 GMT -5
We only use family as babysitters right now, so safety has never been an issue for us. However, I would like to find a sitter to have as a backup. The problem I'm running to is that we don't know anyone with teenagers. DH has 2 family members that are child molesters. Using only family doesn't solve this problem.
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JustLurkin
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This is what you look like right now.
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Post by JustLurkin on Jun 17, 2011 13:09:00 GMT -5
ETA: The OP got deleted before I could read it, so I'm not sure what started this whole thing. It was something like "I'm usually home on Fridays and my neighbor asked me to get their kid from the bus stop, and I said sure as long as I don't get called in to work, and the neighbor got pissy." ~~~ When my brother was my son's age (14-15) there was a guy in the neighborhood who used to take neighborhood boys to baseball games. I asked my mom (that would have put me at 17-18) once if she thought it was weird. She asked if I thought the existence of nice people was weird. My son is now 14-15 and takes continuing education classes. I used to escort him and be present during class, as he needs a 1-1 aide. The rules at the college changed and parents were no longer allowed to do this, the aide as to be non-related. I asked his regular classroom aide if he would accompany my son to class on Saturday mornings and he agreed. When we came home from the class, I handed him payment and told him I really appreciated him giving up his Saturday morning to spend time with my son. To my surprise, the aide teared up, and said "I like spending time with your son, and am glad you asked." Of course, I teared up. Thankfully his ride pulled up at that exact moment. ;D
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 17, 2011 13:13:48 GMT -5
My DS is 13- and the bulk of his cousins are under the age of 6. So he does baby sit them from time to time or entertain them while the parents are busy doing yard work. Never had any problems. But one of my nieces was molested a few months ago by her 12 year old cousin (on the other side) so DS is not allowed to be alone with her. He is innocent but I don't want there to ever be a hint of anything improper down the road. I don't trust my Ex-SIL's family- even though it was her sister's boy that molested my niece.
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Jun 17, 2011 13:24:16 GMT -5
Agreed, depending on who is in your family. In our case, I'm pretty sure my MIL, my mom and my SIL aren't child molesters. If it turns out one of them were, I'm pretty sure I would never, ever leave my child with anyone but me ever again.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jun 17, 2011 13:26:48 GMT -5
I had a family I babysat for as a teen and one night couldn't take the job so asked my brother to do it. His daughter was full time babysitting the summer she turned 12 and he would go help her everyday at lunch time. His neighbor asked him to see their son got out of the house and to the bus stop and on the bus since he left after they went to work and was skipping school. Now he is 62 and the primary babysitter for his granddaughter. She is 12 but with Down Syndrome they don't like her to be alone more than a few minutes when her older brother is home. He would never harm a child.
My exSIL's brother molested his nieces and his step children, ended up in jail and the girls were happy about it. Their mother had said not to let her brother watch the girls but her mother had them for the summer and kept letting him babysit. The girls had said he pulled down their panties but we don't know if it was more than that.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 17, 2011 14:31:44 GMT -5
My former brother-in-law was creepy like that and I remember both my kids being frightened of him. My EX wanted him to be guardian of our kids in case anything happened and I was "NO WAY" and said why. First I said the kids don't like him, then I said I didn't either, then I said I felt he was CHESTER THE MOLESTER and that REALLY went over well. He had 2 boys that left the minute they graduated HS and NEVER came back. Sorry, that says something to me.
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Jun 17, 2011 15:10:28 GMT -5
I agree that kids have good instincts about people. I would never make DD stay with someone if she felt uncomfortable with them.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 17, 2011 15:41:03 GMT -5
He REALLY wanted DD. He was the one who brought it up to the EX about him having guardianship. Still gives me the creeps just thinking about it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2011 15:56:05 GMT -5
Zib and Snerdley, you are both right about not letting your DHs be put in the position where a young girl can claim something "odd" happened. Every male teacher knows never to be alone with a teenage girl without the door being open. Our doors even have glass inserts that we are not allowed to cover when decorating a door for Homecoming, etc. The insert must be cut out to allow anyone to see inside the classroom.
Young teenage girls are notorious about projecting their feelings. It is important to protect them from predators, but it is equally important to protect men from their desire for attention as well. The best plan is to make sure a man is never put in a position where he would have to defend himself.
The male teachers do not address female dress code violations at my school. Imagine a parent's response to "Mr. Jones noticed that your daughter's breasts are exposed." So I have to find an excuse to address them for my neighboring male teacher.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 17, 2011 16:02:16 GMT -5
I was the only female teacher and it was my job to enforce the dress codes for all girls but to be fair, I always went and got one of the male teachers when I had boys peeing in a bush outside instead of using the restroom. I had a teacher tell me one of the girls wasn't wearing underwear and was climbing the rope. THAT wasn't one of my happier "talks."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2011 16:29:22 GMT -5
They think someone loves them (or hates them) when the person barely notices their existence.
I teach teens, remember. I have to gently tell them that Mrs. Jones really doesn't stay up late on Sunday nights trying to figure out ways to make you personally miserable. She doesn't even think about you outside these school walls most likely.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 17, 2011 16:36:31 GMT -5
I had to have that talk with my mom who is going to be 77. Told her the doctor did not sit up thinking of how fun it would be to call her OBESE.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jun 17, 2011 17:07:22 GMT -5
So you feel qualified to bandy about freudian terms and dismiss their claims of sexual advances by adult males? So you're arguing what exactly? We should go the other way and instantly ruin the life of every guy that a teenage girls even hints might have done something inappropriate? You don't think it's possible for a teenage girl to develop a crush on a male teacher and falsely accuse him of something because he doesn't love her back? Yuck, that sounded very syrupy made for TV movie, but hopefully you get where I'm going? Even a false accusation of something like that can destroy a guys career. I don't think it's unreasonable to make sure something actually happened before we get out the pitchforks and torches.
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Post by debtheaven on Jun 17, 2011 17:21:43 GMT -5
I think it's sad that so many parents just dismiss male babysitters outright. My ex left when my three older kids were very young. My two boys were four and six. They were THRILLED to have a neighbor's teen boy P babysit for them. He'd organize treasure hunts, play hide and seek with them, help them with homework, etc. He helped me with many of their birthday parties when they were little. My boys used to ask me when I was going out so P could come babysit LOL! He was a fantastic influence on them at a crucial point in their lives. DS1 (the oldest, duh, LOL) is only five years younger than P. And now, at 24 and 29, they are still friends even though they don't see each other often now (both live abroad now).
Then as my boys grew older, they babysat and / or tutored too. Here you can't get a job until you are 16, so babysitting or tutoring are two ways for kids to earn money. In HS DS1 had a regular babysitting gig for two girls.
My DD's boyfriend (18) F has been sitting for my best friend's kids for two years. Her young son LOVES F because F is so active, and he loves to play with her son.
I wouldn't put up an ad and hire a guy I didn't know. But, I wouldn't put up an ad and hire a girl I didn't know either! If you have friends / neighbors that you know well, and you know their kids and see them regularly as they grow up, I think it's sad to just dismiss guy babysitters just because they are guys.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2011 17:25:36 GMT -5
I specifically said it is important to protect these young girls from predators. It really is, and I take my role as a mandatory reporter of abuse, sexual or otherwise, very seriously. I make it clear to my students that when they write something in a journal that disturbs me, I will report it. I have done so on several occasions.
But if you don't think a teenage girl has ever lied to make herself important, you don't know anything about teenage girls. Forty years ago I found a letter my sister was writing to a friend that described a wreck she had been in and my uncle's rather cruel reaction. She didn't even have a driver's license. I was like, "Huh?"
These aren't "all" teenage girls or even "most" teenage girls. But it only takes one to ruin a guy's career. If you've never taught, you've never seen the cute young male teachers have to swat these girls away like flies.
I think it is commonsense for male teachers to protect themselves by not putting themselves in situations where they can be accused. The school system does as well.
I agree that fathers of babysitters should either have their own children with them when they drive the girl home or let the wife do it. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 17, 2011 17:36:51 GMT -5
I agree debtheaven - I think one of the great things about a boy babysitter is that you are going to get someone who really wants to do it. Girls all feel this peer pressure to babysit, and even if they are lousy with children, their name might still get out there, but the only boys who are doing it actually want to be there.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 17, 2011 17:50:59 GMT -5
I don't think he is advocating dismissing them - just investigating them.
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Post by debtheaven on Jun 17, 2011 18:11:52 GMT -5
Thyme, I think that's very true, and a really good point!
ETA: I have a friend with triplets (all in college now). In HS, the two boys babysat and gave music lessons. The girl HATED dealing with kids, she got up at 5am every Saturday to work at the local Farmer's Market selling fruits and veggies instead!
So much for clichés LOL!
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jun 17, 2011 18:19:52 GMT -5
I don't think he is advocating dismissing them - just investigating them. Exactly. Look, I have two daughters. If they ever said something happened with a male teacher that made them uncomfortable I would be the first person down at the school raising hell and demanding the guys testicles on a plate. However, I imagine teachers like police officers have a higher than usual number of complaints lodged against them, and they should be presumed innocent until an investigation can determine that something actually happened. It's why schools are so paranoid about telling male teachers to basically never be alone with a female student for any reason. We had really strict rules about any physical contact, even while breaking up a fight. It's something that female teachers just didn't have to worry about to nearly the same extent. I worked with female teachers that would hug students on a daily basis. You would never see any of the male teachers doing that. I had female students that obviously had a crush on me that I had to be super paranoid about how I interacted with so that there was no way they or anyone else could misinterpret the situation. I was also the wrestling coach, which was a coed team, guess how often I would use one of the females to demonstrate something? In our society we have a total double standard about this kind of thing.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2011 18:20:00 GMT -5
Tbird, I am the OP that you quoted about "projecting."
I never advocating ignoring ANYTHING. What I advocated was males NOT putting themselves in the position where they could be accused of something.
It is Education 101 for male teachers. You don't put yourself in a position where you can be accused of something, just like you don't say you noticed a girl's breasts are hanging out of her top. Somehow it comes out better when I, a female teacher, says it. Maybe because I say the neckline is starting to sag or something?
If a girl claims a teacher, male or otherwise, came on to her, it should be investigated 100%. I never said otherwise. Sexual predators absolutely are awful. Unfortunately, they do manage to become teachers, etc. They also manage to become fathers, brothers, cousins, etc. Predators are predators.
You really misread my post. And, yes, I am qualified to use the word "projecting." As part of my training to be a teacher, I took enough psychology courses (2, maybe 3) to know what it actually means. Patients do it to therapists all the time as they bond with the therapist. You don't think more than one teenage girl has bonded in a similar way to a male teacher who has paid attention to them?
My point was that men shouldn't let themselves be put in the position of being falsely accused, either by students or babysitters. It wasn't that these claims should be ignored.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2011 19:09:57 GMT -5
Tbird, I understand what you are saying. My DH and I sometimes speak at counterpoints at each other. We mean the same thing, but we don't use the same words. I think that is what is happening here. You know I don't advocate ignoring young girls' claims, and I know you don't advocate allowing someone, regardless of age, to blackmail you. Let's leave it at that.
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schildi
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3718 and no text
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Post by schildi on Jun 17, 2011 22:31:57 GMT -5
I just about two weeks ago read a story of a guy who was in prison for 14 months until being released. He was accused of rape by a 13 year old girl. After over a year, all evidence pointed to a 100% false accusation, and the girl admitted lying in the end. The guy had lost his business in the process, most of his savings and was reimbursed like $25 per day in jail minus the cost of food (which was calculated as $10 I believe). Wow.
I guess it can go both ways.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2011 17:03:57 GMT -5
Have any of you read Harlan Coben's "Caught"? It's a chilling tale about an accused child molester.
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Elderkind
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Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty....
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Post by Elderkind on Jun 18, 2011 20:28:01 GMT -5
I have to jump in here since this happened yesterday. I am the Chair's Assistant at a University and I recently hired a tall, good looking young man who plays for the football team and is very fit. We have on staff a prof that is openly gay and is currently unattached. The student worker was chatting with me in my office (door wide open as usual) during a break - his parents are going through a nasty divorce and the young man's older sister used to work for me... Anyhow, the prof comes in and states "Wow, that's the second time I have seen him in your office! Do you enjoy staring at him? Do you have the hots for him?" WTF? I'm shocked and say "NO! I am old enough to be his mother (42 yrs & engaged btw) and can't look at him as anything other than a kid!" Prof leers at the student worker and says "Well, if I was sitting across from him, I wouldn't be looking at him like a parent or a kid... Wink! Wink!" Then we walks out of the office.... The student worker and I just stare at each other in amazement and I apologize to him for the prof's comments and tell him that it won't happen again. That man is an IDIOT for making those comments and I found out that it's not the first time.... He did it with a previous student worker of mine but I didn't know about it until after the student worker left... So, on Monday, I will be speaking to this prof about this and strongly warning him of any future contact... I get very mama bearish when it comes to the students... Oh, the worst thing was the prof brought in a bag of kolaches and gave one to each of us before he made his comments.... He kept insisting that the student worker take the "cream" kind because it was the best!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 18, 2011 21:50:09 GMT -5
EEEWWWW!!!!!
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motherto2
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Post by motherto2 on Jun 18, 2011 21:53:12 GMT -5
My mom used to make snide comments about the head of the daycare my kids used to go to. He was male, married, had 2 kids. there was also a guy that worked as one of the employees. She just couldn't understand why men would want to be around young children without ulterior motives. I wasn't worried because it was a daycare run by Government workers on a Gov't base. The head guy had been in a position of this sort in NJ prior to moving to our area. There were way too many people floating around, parents in and out all day, wouldn't allow the teachers to be alone in the restroom, etc. (Also, the kids were gradeschool, not little kids). Maybe I would have felt differently if they were really young. But, having said that, I would never allow DS to babysit, because as others have said, it only takes one kid to make false allegations, and his life would be ruined. Different standards, I suppose, but you have to protect your kids in many different ways.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on Jun 19, 2011 9:57:01 GMT -5
I can't imagine growing up without male teachers, they were my favorite! DS is going into 8th grade and has only had two male teachers, but both were amazing. He's liked many of his teachers, but there is a bond with the male adult that is different than the female. Now that I think about it, I don't recall having a single female teacher in high school--they were there, but I had the guys. None were ever inappropriate. In fact, the only teacher I remember making anyone feel uncomfortable was the female gym teacher. She'd stare at the girls as they'd get dressed and wait until they had there shirt and bra off and come over and talk to them--then they'd stand there half naked until they got done talking. My friends and I learned quick how to change our shirts without exposing ourselves, and since it was the last class of the day I NEVER showered there, she was just too creepy. I was glad I only had to deal with her a few minutes and then leave the locker room and go to MY gym teacher. He was harder on us than the female was, but he didn't give me the creeps.
ETA: I remembered one, she was my HS French teacher. She was cool.
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Elderkind
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Post by Elderkind on Jun 19, 2011 14:44:04 GMT -5
T-Bird: Unfortunately, the University is so lax on this kind of thing that nothing will be done, even if I complain. However, this particular prof was denied tenure and will be gone in a year or less so I will be strongly warning him to keep away... We had another incident about 5 years ago where the former Chair was showing up drunk and hitting on the student workers, especially the males. He was groping them and even took one in his office and shut the door for hours... That kid started showing signs of PTSD later. This prof was married with a child of his own... It was so nasty and I was the one (along with another prof) that turned him in. He was removed as Chair but because he was tenured, has been allowed to stay on as a faculty member... He is so creepy that I had a background check done on him and found that he had been arrested in OK for solicitation and indecent exposure - the notes on the arrest said he was caught with his pants down with a student whom he had paid in a public park... He also has an FBI number in Indiana but the case is still pending so I don't know what that one is about.... My uncle (now retired) was in law enforcement and did a little digging which is why I have this info... The FBI asked him why he was interested and he told them about the prof's current goings on... they told my uncle to tell me to be careful... This prof has also carried on several tryst's at this campus... the first was a young man that had sex with him in exchange for letters of recommendation to a master's program and the second was with a troubled young freshman who committed suicide last year... This man is real trouble and I HATE working with him.... However, my employment in the Department forces him to tread somewhat carefully because he knows I am watching... Unfortunately, this cost me my career at the University because the administration does not like whistle-blowers.... I was never one to do that until this mess happened... So, I will never move up the food chain now as it were but I feel like I did the right thing and I sleep well at night...
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Elderkind
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Post by Elderkind on Jun 20, 2011 13:04:47 GMT -5
Just a follow up of the previous post! I spoke with the faculty member today about his behavior on Friday and was assured that he would not be speaking to the student worker again in any capacity. The sad thing was I don't think he really understood how out of line he was and instead thought the whole incident was funny... Whacked... just whacked....
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