just don't understand my friend

[lurkyberk]

Why would my friend, who divorced her husband 3 yrs. ago for cheating on her, start getting serious with a man who is currently in the middle of a messy divorce who's wife is divorcing him for cheating on her? He admitted it to her, so she's aware. (Not to mention she has children and so does he) By the way, he's a financial trainwreck! I'm talking complete nightmare with his money.(Or lack thereof) I know love can make you blind to some things but, come on! Sorry, I just don't get it. Is there something I'm missing?

[Deleted]

Some women just don't think they deserve better. Hope she sees the light soon!

[lurkyberk]

Thanks for replying. Yeah, I hope she does too! She's a good friend and a great mother. I just don't want to see her get burned! I guess I have to step back and let her do what she feels she has to do. I can't help but worry about her.

[Opti]

"I know love can make you blind to some things but, come on! Sorry, I just don't get it. Is there something I'm missing? "

You are missing nothing, she is. Some women for reasons I don't understand like to believe they will be the exception. Sometimes when people are lonely they get bitten by the stupid bug IMO.

[seriousthistime]

A friend of mine also makes dumb decisions about men. She is now going out with someone who is married and has three small kids. Her XH cheated on her for many years and she remembers how it feels to have someone cheat on you. I would think that would be a deterrent to her being the other woman. My ex cheated on me and I would never go out with someone who is married. I was saying to my friend how the men I meet are too pushy or too needy or still wrapped in the aftermath of divorce or have never married and have no clue what a relationship entails. She says that when I meet the right guy all that stuff doesn't matter.

They say, once a cheater, always a cheater. If I met someone who had cheated on his wife, I would run the other way as fast as I could. But many, many cheaters do marry again (sometimes not to the person they cheated with, however). So someone trusts them even after they know about the cheating. But trust would be a big issue for me.

[busymom]

I would suggest your friend needs therapy. Some women get into a pattern of the type of men they attract, and the kind of men they are attracted to. (The demon you know is better than the demon you don't know.) One example is women who get involved with alcoholic men over and over again. After some therapy, and realizing that sometimes NOT having a man is better than being stuck with a loser, hopefully she will re-enter the dating world & find someone better!

[sealy]

I agree with all the posts. I hope she wakes up soon. No amount of love is worth putting another woman through what I went through.


Just be there for her. Telling her what to do will only make her try to prove you wrong. IMO.

[debtheaven]

I wouldn't dream of telling her what to do either, but I have hoof-in-mouth-disease LOL.

If this was a close friend, I would choose my time, but I probably couldn't help ask her why she is going out with a married man whose ex-wife is divorcing him because he was cheating on her, when she (my friend) suffered from her ex-H's cheating. I would ask her in all sincerity, aren't you scared it could happen again?

My guess is that she'll probably say, "No, this is different". Fine. At that point I'd wash my hands of the idea of giving advice, and just be there for her. She's an adult, she can do whatever she wants. But as a good friend, personally, I would need to feel that I at least made a diplomatic attempt to point out the obvious.

ETA: I'd also try to diplomatically point out the financial aspects of the situation. Once. If she chooses to continue the relationship, again, that's her choice.

But I DO believe that CLOSE friends can voice their opinions, or at least RAISE PERTINENT QUESTIONS, in a tactful fashion. If for no other reason that if and when the proverbial shite begins to hit the fan, the friend in question can rewind their brain and hopefully find comments that will help her (or him) process their current situation, and maybe begin to see the signs along the road, even if only in retrospect.

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

Women get into relationships thinking they will change the man. Men get into relationships thinking the woman will never change.

[lurkyberk]

May 30, 2011 12:46:29 GMT -5 Mad Dawg Wiccan said:

Women get into relationships thinking they will change the man. Men get into relationships thinking the woman will never change.

Ha! Thats a good one

[lurkyberk]

May 29, 2011 16:25:58 GMT -5 sealy said:

I agree with all the posts. I hope she wakes up soon. No amount of love is worth putting another woman through what I went through.


Just be there for her. Telling her what to do will only make her try to prove you wrong. IMO.

You're right. I've already told her my thoughts, so I'll just try to be a good friend and be there for her when she "wakes up and smells the the realization brewing" so to speak.

[zibazinski]

Because I wasn't willing to "settle" it took me ten years to get DF. That's a long time and for some women, it's a wasted time. Not like we get better as we age like men do, huh . But I saw too many unhappy and unequally yoked women to want myself in that same situation. My mom is miserable and so are most of my divorced friends who remarried the first joker that looked at them. No thanks.

[Deleted]

I used to be in a very dysfunctional relationship. Usually the dysfunction is answering some need inside the person. Your friend may need drama, or a relationship where she can't trust the other person so she doesn't have to be fully open/committed, or she's very lonely. Until your friend figures out what attracts her to these individuals she will make the same mistake over and over.

[LlamaLlamaDuck]

If she's acting like an addict, it's because she is. Studies have shown that the "in love" feeling is due to an uptick in feel-good chemicals, stimulating the same part of the brain that lights up when high.

Don't worry, it typically wears off and she'll return to normal after about two years, but not before going through great lengths to preserve the head-over-heels vibes. For example, she may go into debt in order to go on vacation with him or buying him gifts.

When she sobers up she'll wonder what the hell she was thinking. Until then, an awful lot of damage can be donel

Unfortunately, some people spend their entire lives pursuing the high, and they never quite get their lives under control.

[qofcc]

Ok, just to play devil's advocate... do you know this man well? Do you know all the details about the situation with his ex and the cheating? Do you know for sure that he's a financial train wreck, or was it a joint effort with his ex? Is he making an effort to work on his money situation and is your friend able to handle the finances should they become serious? Is your friend happy? Does he treat her well? Is she a "catch" who could do much better or is this guy about on her level attraction wise?

I don't agree with the "once a cheater always a cheater" mentality. I think that certainly applies to people who are committed to their marriage, but have no qualms about cheating for excitement. Those people probably won't change, and if they do stop cheating it will be out of fear, not guilt. Then there is the group of people who want out of their marriage but who are staying for money or kids or fear of the unknown or guilt about leaving their spouse and they cheat because they meet someone and fall in love but they don't want to leave the first relationship until they're sure the next one is the right one. These people usually feel guilty about the cheating and if they do end up leaving and find the right person, they don't cheat again.

Also, I don't know what the divorce laws are like where your friend lives, but I've known couples in the past who have ended a marriage with adultery so that the divorce process would would be easier and faster then going through the separation and waiting and mandatory counseling.

Some people are financial train wrecks and they are clueless and will never change. Other people get themselves into a huge financial mess by taking risks or being irresponsible or trying to please someone else or situations beyond their control, but then they have an awakening and turn their lives around. You hear these stories all the time on the YM board.

[lurkyberk]

Jun 6, 2011 12:24:43 GMT -5 qofcc said:

Ok, just to play devil's advocate... do you know this man well? Do you know all the details about the situation with his ex and the cheating? Do you know for sure that he's a financial train wreck, or was it a joint effort with his ex? Is he making an effort to work on his money situation and is your friend able to handle the finances should they become serious? Is your friend happy? Does he treat her well? Is she a "catch" who could do much better or is this guy about on her level attraction wise?

I don't agree with the "once a cheater always a cheater" mentality. I think that certainly applies to people who are committed to their marriage, but have no qualms about cheating for excitement. Those people probably won't change, and if they do stop cheating it will be out of fear, not guilt. Then there is the group of people who want out of their marriage but who are staying for money or kids or fear of the unknown or guilt about leaving their spouse and they cheat because they meet someone and fall in love but they don't want to leave the first relationship until they're sure the next one is the right one. These people usually feel guilty about the cheating and if they do end up leaving and find the right person, they don't cheat again.

Also, I don't know what the divorce laws are like where your friend lives, but I've known couples in the past who have ended a marriage with adultery so that the divorce process would would be easier and faster then going through the separation and waiting and mandatory counseling.

Some people are financial train wrecks and they are clueless and will never change. Other people get themselves into a huge financial mess by taking risks or being irresponsible or trying to please someone else or situations beyond their control, but then they have an awakening and turn their lives around. You hear these stories all the time on the YM board.

Yes, I do know this man very well. I do know of his cheating past with his stbx (he pretty much made it a part time job cheating on her) because he was "misirable" with her. Yes I asked him all the questions one would ask (ie:did you try to talk it out with her) He had an answer for everything and they were excuses. I do know of his financial mess because he regularly confided in me. Needless to say, after figuring out on my own, and of what he told me, he was the biggest offender of the two. Talking to him and trying to give him good advise or tips was a futile effort! He does what he wants no matter what anyone says. Hes 40 yrs. old and I've known him for the last 5 yrs. He hasn't changed at all. No improvement whatsoever in the time I've known him. He's always "trying to make an effort" but its mosly pipe dreaming because nothing ever comes of his "ideas". Ever. But of course, she doesn't realize how actually bad off he really is. He candy coats it to her so to speak. I'm trying my best to stay out of their business, and as you can probably tell, it's not an easy thing for me to do. It's no fun sitting back watching and keeping my mouth shut.

[lurkyberk]

Jun 5, 2011 15:10:06 GMT -5 LlamaLlamaDuck said:

If she's acting like an addict, it's because she is. Studies have shown that the "in love" feeling is due to an uptick in feel-good chemicals, stimulating the same part of the brain that lights up when high.

Don't worry, it typically wears off and she'll return to normal after about two years, but not before going through great lengths to preserve the head-over-heels vibes. For example, she may go into debt in order to go on vacation with him or buying him gifts.

When she sobers up she'll wonder what the hell she was thinking. Until then, an awful lot of damage can be donel

Unfortunately, some people spend their entire lives pursuing the high, and they never quite get their lives under control.

Very well said! I couldn't agree with you more!

[mizbear]

lurky- I have been (and still am) on both sides of this. I am that girl who knows she deserves better, knows she can't change them, but still has all of those old, self- defeating statements playing in her head. I am better off than I was, but it's a long time turning my father off inside my head.
It's not just men that someone may have trouble saying no to even though it's a bad idea to get tangled up with them- it could be female friends that drain them emotionally or financially or even family.

I have learned for the most part to stay away from bad men, but have a family and a group of women around me who totally disrespect who I am and I am totally at a loss what to do about them- because they are important to my life.