sealy
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vent
May 25, 2011 1:13:41 GMT -5
Post by sealy on May 25, 2011 1:13:41 GMT -5
comment if you want to or just read I can't talk to family about this. I'm glad I have somewhere anon to write this.
I have been divorced for almost 3 years. I have children who spend half time with me and half with their father. Too much water to wade through here is my issue:
My ex DMIL called and wanted to know if they could see my kids during my week (now that I think about it I don't know if I volunteered or she asked) they live in AZ and don't get to see my babies very often. I told her I would bring them and they could spend time there then my ex could pick up my babies from AZ. She asked if I'd seen the canyon and said I could spend the night there and we'd go see the canyon. I said ok that would be fine. I emailed her the dates they had off. I talked to my ex today and we agreed on a date that he would go to pick them up.
DMIL called today and said that she still wanted to have my kids but because of the situation (my ex cheated and is still with her) my DMIL got a lot of flak for inviting me. So I took a deep breath and told her that I would still drive to meet them and allow my kids to be with them. I am more interested in what is good for my babies. She sounded upset. I told her I understood and not to worry about it. So now I'm going to drive there.
This is what I'm sure to hear from my family "are you crazy etc etc etc.
I know it's unconventional but I've chosen to forgive and try to take the high road, and make the best decisions for my kids.
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mizbear
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May 25, 2011 7:35:54 GMT -5
Post by mizbear on May 25, 2011 7:35:54 GMT -5
sealy- I agree with snerdley. Obviously you and the paternal grandparents have your heads screwed on straight. Shame on the rest of them.
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sealy
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vent
May 25, 2011 8:04:04 GMT -5
Post by sealy on May 25, 2011 8:04:04 GMT -5
Thank you both so much.
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sheilaincali
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May 25, 2011 8:37:49 GMT -5
Post by sheilaincali on May 25, 2011 8:37:49 GMT -5
sealy- good for you for putting your kids first. I am sorry you are facing resistance from your family. I am in the other side of the situation. I want to have a good relationship with my ex-SIL (custody is a 50/50 split). Her and I have started talking on the phone recently but her family is telling her not to talk to me. Telling her that I am a "B-tch" and why the hell would she want to talk to us, etc. It's hurtful to be shut out of 50% of my niece and nephew's lives.
Shame on them for giving your Ex-MIL flak for inviting you. It should be about the kids people!
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vent
May 25, 2011 9:50:49 GMT -5
Post by rmtvbrooks on May 25, 2011 9:50:49 GMT -5
Everyone is right...it's important for the kids to have a good relationship with as many family members as possible. I'm dealing with in-laws that blame me and my children for their son's suicide (he was molesting our daughter, and I reported it and filed for divorce--he killed himself in March because his trial date was coming up--they blame me and my daughter--she lied, he wouldn't have killed himself if I hadn't filed for divorce, blah, blah, blah). They have had no contact with my children since October, and right now, I plan for that to continue until they recognize that we were not the ones at fault here. I think it's wonderful that your MIL still wants to be involved with her grandkids in spite of the fact her son turned out to be a cheater. If family questions you, I'd just tell them it's important to you that the kids know and love BOTH sets of grandparents. My hat goes off to you for your willingness to forgive and take the high road...too many people don't do that and instead use the kids as a bargaining chip. Kudos to you for not doing that!
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Clever Username
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vent
May 25, 2011 10:00:25 GMT -5
Post by Clever Username on May 25, 2011 10:00:25 GMT -5
Wow, what an insanely well balanced tack you're taking. May your family grow strong.
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LilBall
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May 25, 2011 10:04:11 GMT -5
Post by LilBall on May 25, 2011 10:04:11 GMT -5
I say good for you. I still have a great relationship with my ex's mom and will take my DD to spend a weekend with and will end up staying for hours talking. She emails me, texts me, and comes to all of DD's functions while sitting with my family. It is important that your children see you acting in that manner and they will not only appreciate and respect you, they will also learn something from you. Remember it was not the MIL that cheated and she should not be punished for her sons mistakes.
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Wisconsin Beth
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May 25, 2011 10:04:36 GMT -5
Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 25, 2011 10:04:36 GMT -5
You have to do what you think is best. Sometimes it is best not to discuss your decisions with other family who cannot be objective. And, i think that is great that you are keeping your kids' grandparents in their life. The more people that love your kids, the better. That cant be wrong. As long as they're good for the kids, keep on doing it. You may want to have a couple of sentences prepared to shut down discussion with your family though. "I won't discuss this in front of the kids." or "My kids, my decision." or whatever because you if you keep on this tack (which you should), your family is likely going to continue carping on the subject until you shut them down for good on it.
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thyme4change
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May 25, 2011 10:08:08 GMT -5
Post by thyme4change on May 25, 2011 10:08:08 GMT -5
Not only is the best route for your kids - it really is best for you. Forgiving and moving on is so much healthier for the forgiver than holding that grudge. If the forgivee gets something out of it, also - well bully for them. The real victory is your feelings towards the situation.
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sheilaincali
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May 25, 2011 10:22:32 GMT -5
Post by sheilaincali on May 25, 2011 10:22:32 GMT -5
Reading the rest of the posts reminded me of my bff's situation. Growing up her dad cheated on her mom and they divorced when she was 7. Her dad wanted very little to do with my friend so she has no relationship with him now. But her mom (T) encouraged her to have a good relationship with her paternal grandma (P). It works for them. My niece (BFF's DD) calls them Nana and Nana Great. She sees them both whenever she goes back to friend's hometown. They all 4 go to church together and sit together. When we graduated from college T drove her Ex-MIL P to the ceremony. My family is large so we are used to big gatherings and invite friends to our holidays. So it will be all of us, BFF and her husband, their DD, T and P. People are always initially shocked when they find out P is T's former MIL and that they are friends.
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Deleted
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vent
May 25, 2011 10:35:21 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on May 25, 2011 10:35:21 GMT -5
You raise a good point about graduations and the like, sheilaincali.
OP is absolutely doing the right thing in encouraging her kids to have a strong, positive relationship with their grandparents. Props to ex-MIL for wanting to mend fences. I'm sorry she backed out of the invite though because there will come a day when you all will need to be able to be in a room together and get along.
The kids will have graduations and weddings and other events which will bring folks together. I hope in time, it won't be weird to visit the Grand Canyon together, or at least have lunch with your ex in-laws.
Good for you for taking the high road - hopefully the rest of the people involved will join you there some day.
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sheilaincali
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May 25, 2011 10:46:29 GMT -5
Post by sheilaincali on May 25, 2011 10:46:29 GMT -5
craftysarah- that's why I am working to mend my relationship with my Ex-SIL. My brother is not thrilled but I told him "I am doing this for your kids so suck it up buttercup"
OP- you really are setting a good example for your kids. Kudos to you for that.
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zibazinski
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May 25, 2011 11:22:03 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on May 25, 2011 11:22:03 GMT -5
I busted my hump to keep my kids grandparents in their lives. Don't regret it for a minute. I not only LIKED them but I liked my kids even more. It made them happy.
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gawgagranny
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May 25, 2011 11:37:29 GMT -5
Post by gawgagranny on May 25, 2011 11:37:29 GMT -5
sealy, for what it's worth, I agree with everyone else that you're doing the right thing here...as long as the grandparents aren't a toxic burden for your kids, go for it!!!
sheilaincali, I grew up in a similar situation. My parents divorced a few months after I was born, but my paternal grandma continued to treat my mom as the daughter she always wanted (she only gave birth to the one son) until the very end of grandma's life--47 years after my parents divorced. My mom was actually her X-MIL's landlady for the last 10 years of grandma's life and helped me care for her as her health declined and after my birth father died several years before his mom did. What an example of grace my mom showed to me and my family!
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shanendoah
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May 25, 2011 11:44:09 GMT -5
Post by shanendoah on May 25, 2011 11:44:09 GMT -5
You are definitely doing the right thing. My mother once used the child support money she got (it was a small amount, meant for exactly this kind of thing) to send me to spend a week with my paternal grandparents. At the time, they were still very mad at my mother for leaving (even though both she and my father had remarried by that point). But, besides sendimg me back there, my mother continued to work at having a good relationship with my father's parents, and making sure my brother and I remembered birthdays, anniversaries, and grandparents day (my father never thought about these things). Ten plus years after the divorce, we were back there visiting for a day between a cousin's wedding and heading out to the coast. My grandparents invited us all (me, brother and mom) to stay at their house for the night. My step mother had a FIT. In fact, 10+ years after it happened, she's still mad about it. By that time, my grandparents had mellowed (and realized how much they missed my mom) and simply shrugged and said "She's our grandchildrens' mother."
My grandmother passed away 2 1/2 weeks ago. My mother paid for about 1/3 of my plane ticket to make sure I could get back there for the funeral. She considered coming herself, and my father and his family said she would be welcome. (Step mom did not come, as far as I know, did not consider coming.) My mom decided against it because she didn't want to cause issues for my father when he returned home, nor did she want her presence to be a distraction. She will, however, fly back to visit her ex in-laws (my aunt and grandfather) this fall. And my step-mom can have all the fits she wants.
Given everything I just said, I DO understand your ex-MIL's phone call. Like you, she wants to do what is best for the kids, and thinks of you as their mother, no matter what else is going on. However, she also loves her son and wants to maintain a relationship with him. Its very possible the "other woman" had a fit when she heard about you coming and the ex-MIL is worried about the "other woman"'s ability to ruin her relationship with her son. Its not an easy balancing act. As for what to tell your family, I suggest a very simple "They're my children's grandparents" and leave it at that.
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qofcc
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May 25, 2011 15:11:48 GMT -5
Post by qofcc on May 25, 2011 15:11:48 GMT -5
You're doing the right thing. I always took my kids to see their dad's family and even let his child with the next woman come stay at my house when my kids asked to have their half-brother visit.
My DH's ex left him for another guy but over the years they managed to get back to being civil and I can't begin to count the number of events for the kids we've been to with me and my DH and his ex and her BF and her parents all sitting together being civil to each other.
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mizbear
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May 25, 2011 20:18:34 GMT -5
Post by mizbear on May 25, 2011 20:18:34 GMT -5
rmtv- HUGS- I totally respect your situation too. 20 long years ago, I was your DD and my DM was in your shoes. She had to pack up and leave a place she was in love with with myself and DB and move back home with her parents. We had very few people left- even some family members turned their backs on us. You will NEVER regret standing by your kids.
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sealy
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May 25, 2011 21:44:28 GMT -5
Post by sealy on May 25, 2011 21:44:28 GMT -5
Thank you all so much for the support. I want my children to have a great relationship with their grandparents. They love visiting and they love their grandparents. I feel much better knowing I'm making the right decision. Thanks again. I will continue to take the high road and pray for the naysayers. In the long run I know it will be better for my babies. I can't thank you all enough knowing that I am making the right decision.
Shanendoah sorry about the passing of your dear grandma. I wouldn't want to cause my former MIL any grief. She was a great MIL. I'm just glad that she will be able to spend time with my lil ones. They love her and are excited to be going there during the summer.
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haapai
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May 26, 2011 1:25:45 GMT -5
Post by haapai on May 26, 2011 1:25:45 GMT -5
I'm deadly curious as to who gave your XMIL flak but it is none of my business.
Some folks are insecure. Some folks live by old-fashioned rules. Some folks live in fear of what others will say or do. I'm glad to hear that you are taking the high road.
I pity the grandmother who has taken pictures of her former in-laws out of the family album. Her son still uses the Ex's name, even when his GF is present. Her daughter (and her defacto wife) still go river-rafting with her defacto ex-husband almost every summer. I tolerate the new aunt who because she had a bad first marriage, goes frosty when her husband or anyone else mentions his ex by name. I don't think much of the uncle who submits to this nonsense. He called my Aunt C by her first name for at least five years after the divorce before marrying this harpy.
Your kids and everyone else know who is being silly and who is taking the high road.
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Wisconsin Beth
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May 26, 2011 8:51:17 GMT -5
Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 26, 2011 8:51:17 GMT -5
Thank you all so much for the support. I want my children to have a great relationship with their grandparents. They love visiting and they love their grandparents. I feel much better knowing I'm making the right decision. Thanks again. I will continue to take the high road and pray for the naysayers. In the long run I know it will be better for my babies. I can't thank you all enough knowing that I am making the right decision. Shanendoah sorry about the passing of your dear grandma. I wouldn't want to cause my former MIL any grief. She was a great MIL. I'm just glad that she will be able to spend time with my lil ones. They love her and are excited to be going there during the summer. Sealy, you may want to quietly let your former MIL know that you don't want to give her grief over this and that you just want her to be able to spend time with and love your LOs. She may apprecaite hearing it, she may not. I don't know her so you'd have to decide if you feel it's a good idea or not, based on your relationship dynamics.
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Jake 48
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May 26, 2011 9:15:25 GMT -5
Post by Jake 48 on May 26, 2011 9:15:25 GMT -5
Sealy, good for you taking the high road, I still talk to my ex's family and I get along with my ex. my boys have told me they are glad we all get along, they see too many of their friends in similar situations where there is nothing but hostility, K2U when I can
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taz157
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May 26, 2011 19:56:42 GMT -5
Post by taz157 on May 26, 2011 19:56:42 GMT -5
sealy - Good for you getting along with your ex-ILs for your kids sake. When my parents divorced, they got along for mine and my brother's sake, which makes our life so much easier! ;D Also,
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onemoreday
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May 27, 2011 11:50:20 GMT -5
Post by onemoreday on May 27, 2011 11:50:20 GMT -5
Sealy - I think what you are doing is definitely the right thing. My husband comitted suicide 3 years ago, and I took the high road with his family. It showed my children the way we are supposed to behave, not the way some do. Continue to lead by example and they will follow. Good Luck.
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sealy
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May 27, 2011 17:19:32 GMT -5
Post by sealy on May 27, 2011 17:19:32 GMT -5
I feel so much better now and appreciate you all for taking time out of your day to discuss this issue with me.
s
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