chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on May 19, 2011 20:06:19 GMT -5
The world is a complicated place, and in this day and age, you just can't expect a person to fall on the same political side of every issue he is confronted with. Things are more nuanced than that, and the average American might think one way about one topic, and a completely different way about another. For instance, when it comes to fiscal issues, I consider myself to be a rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth, right-wing lunatic. But on the social front, I'm a completely out-of-his-mind, wacked-out liberal loon. It's all about striking a balance, really. Take finances. It is my opinion that all taxes whatsoever should be abolished, and that everything relating to money in any way should be privatized, including the minting of coinage. Thus, each American should have his own system of currency and his own bank named after him to maintain that currency, and anyone whose personal currency system fails in the unfettered free market should be left to die bleeding and penniless in the street, with his family crying helplessly at his side. Also, corporations should be able to buy whatever and whomever they want, and at the end of every year the richest and most powerful corporation should be allowed to physically demolish 15 other corporations that it wishes to see destroyed, murdering all of the various employees of said corporations in any way it sees fit. I guess you could say I'm a fucking nutcase conservative when it comes to this kind of stuff, but I do believe it's an ideology that has its limits. For example, when it comes to a social issue like gay rights, my opinion is that gays and lesbians should be afforded extra rights under the law, as I believe they are descended from an immortal race of beings whom we must revere as the ancient Sumerians would have revered their god An. All Americans should spend four hours of every workday erecting elaborate temples in which to worship our omnipotent homosexual overlords, and we all must sacrifice ourselves willingly upon the altar of the gay and lesbian community, everyone of us, including children, who, by the way, I think should be eligible to drink, drive, and vote from age four on up. However, if those same children get sick, then I believe it is their sole responsibility to pay for their own health care. Children should not be coddled with the support of their parents' hard-earned money, and it's up to them to finance multimillion-dollar procedures with their own pluck and determination. And children who can't handle that should be thrown immediately into debtor's prison, performing menial tasks until they have paid back their debt to society and are once again ready to participate in our robust free-market economy. But at the same time, we must make sure that whatever prison they are sent to has plasma-screen TVs and Wi-Fi in every cell, and that the inmates are encouraged, by highly paid professional psychologists, to express their feelings in improv role-playing classes and short-fiction workshops. Because if I even suspect that prisoners are receiving anything less than top-shelf treatment, I'll be the first to show up with a picket sign marching for their rights. Rapists and murderers are people, too—just as cats and dogs are. And how do I know I'll be the first to arrive at that picket line? Well, I'll have a special pass providing me with access to an elite, privatized system of roads. Yes, I believe roads should be privatized—as should fire departments, law enforcement, and basic water and sewer infrastructure. But I also believe the traditional "nuclear" family is an inadequate social safety net, and that every baby born should be raised by at least 14 people, including at least four gay men and/or lesbians. And Marxism should be taught in schools. But there should be no public schools. And everyone should be required by law to participate in women's empowerment seminars. But the heavily armed stormtroopers enforcing this law should be independent contractors. Down with the fat cats living high off government subsidies! Hands off my individualized, personal Larry-dollars! And also, hands off my uterus. Just because I'm a "man" doesn't mean I can't have a uterus. (Everyone knows so-called "normative" gender differentiations are merely a construct of the Oppressor Hegemony.) And don't even get me started on public transportation. So, in conclusion: the African-American community will never receive justice until there is an armed insurrection against Whitey in the streets, Pepsi-Cola should run our government, the elderly are our greatest national resource except for child labor, which I support, slavery should be legalized, as well as rape, and if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen! It's not the government's job to pamper you and hold your hand unless you want funding for a massive public arts project that involves a giant pile of human feces shaped like the American flag, in which case nothing should stand in the way of your First Amendment rights. I only wish there were more people out there as open-minded as I am. ******************************************************************************** ;D I love the onion.
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cael
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Post by cael on May 19, 2011 20:12:32 GMT -5
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cme1201
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Post by cme1201 on May 19, 2011 20:14:48 GMT -5
1. then it was 2. when I got to the end (yes read every word thought it was you) 3. ;D
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on May 19, 2011 20:18:37 GMT -5
haha, I actually started to edit it for the proper gender, but then there's that stuff in the middle about 'just because he's a man, he can't have a uterus' and I figured it would be more trouble than it was worth. someone posted this on FB earlier, and I couldn't just leave it. haha!
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❤ mollymouser ❤
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Post by ❤ mollymouser ❤ on May 19, 2011 22:37:44 GMT -5
I like any post that correctly uses the term hegemony.
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Post by marshabar1 on May 19, 2011 22:55:40 GMT -5
Repudumocrifascanarchicat then? Glad to read it, thanks, oh K.
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burnsattornincan
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Post by burnsattornincan on May 20, 2011 0:10:40 GMT -5
Time to waste tonight I guess... I think I can safely say that anyone who could find that rambling attempt at humor to be funny really needs to get out more. The idiot who wrote it doesn't even seem to have a good grasp of liberal vs conservative ideology. Complete garbage.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2011 6:52:39 GMT -5
That was hilarious!! and K. Lighten up, burns hottie!!! It's The Onion!!!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2011 6:56:00 GMT -5
Hey, chiver-- you should make this an Onion thread-- give us all a good laugh every day or so. Wouldn't that be a great way to have fun here on our politically limited board?? If you don't I may jack your thread and do it myself. ;D
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on May 20, 2011 7:55:24 GMT -5
thank you, krickitt. burns clearly is unfamiliar with the brilliance that is the onion. that's actually a great idea - the Daily Onion. I wonder if we could sticky it?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2011 7:58:22 GMT -5
Just do it like I do my illegals thread. I bump it almost every day. Except this one I think everyone would participate on!! Just add Onion somewhere in the title. We need all the laughs we can get around here!! ;D
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 20, 2011 8:03:23 GMT -5
Swamp Chiver longtime. And who's gonna help me perform the rectal stickectomy on Burns? Anyone? Anyone? <<crickets chirping>> Yeah, that's what I thought.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2011 8:06:21 GMT -5
Have you seen his cute pics?? I'll help out if you will modify your method just.. a tad...
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on May 20, 2011 8:09:09 GMT -5
haha, count me in. nothing in that article was ever intended to be serious! ok, krickitt. I'll try the daily bump. I may change the thread title though. not all the articles will be reflective of my general political outlook.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on May 20, 2011 8:11:16 GMT -5
Nation Down To Last Hundred Grown-Ups 'Mature Adults Could Be Gone Within 50 Years,' Experts Say May 19, 2011
SUITLAND, MD—According to alarming new figures released Monday by the U.S. Census Bureau, the nation's population of mature adults has been pushed to the brink of extinction, with only 104 grown-ups remaining in the country today.
The endangered demographic, which is projected to die out completely by 2060, is reportedly distinguished from other groups by numerous unique traits, including foresight, rationality, understanding of how to obtain and pay for a mortgage, personal responsibility, and the ability to enter a store without immediately purchasing whatever items they see and desire.
"Our grown-ups are disappearing at a much faster rate than we previously believed," said Census Bureau chief Robert M. Groves, who believes the decline in responsible adults may now be irreversible. "Unfortunately, we've only recently noticed this terrible trend, perhaps because of this group's unusual capacity to endure hardships with quiet dignity instead of whining loudly to draw attention to themselves."
"If nothing is done, these wondrous individuals, with their special ability to consider the long-term consequences of their own behavior and act accordingly, will be wiped-out completely," Groves added.
According to recent data, the grown-up population has plummeted dramatically since 1950, when a Census count found that more than 24 million Americans could both admit when they were wrong and respect a viewpoint other than their own. Today, only one in three million citizens can provide thoughtful advice to a fellow human being instead of immediately shifting the topic to their own personal issues or what they had for lunch.
Experts confirmed the mass extinction of grown-ups has coincided with the rapid expansion of other demographic groups, including people who seek medication for every problem they encounter, 33-year-olds who participate in organized kickball leagues, personal injury litigants, and parents who try to become friends with their own children.
"Grown-ups are as fascinating as they are rare," said anthropologist Arthur Ambler, who has lived among level-headed adult populations and documented their lifestyle. "It may seem odd to the rest of us, but for mature adults, occasionally putting the greater good ahead of their own interests or remaining calm when something doesn't go their way is commonplace."
"Imagine confronting a problem directly instead of pointing a finger, cowering in fear, or pretending it just isn't happening," Ambler added. "This is how these people actually live, if you can believe that."
Many social scientists, including Ambler, have called for a complete record to be made of the declining population's customs, worrying that knowledge of how to dress for a job interview or when to rotate one's tires could soon be lost to civilization forever. Future generations, they soberly note, will likely go their whole lives never knowing a grown-up person.
When contacted for comment, Colorado resident Ray Vogel, a grown-up, told reporters he was resigned to his group's fate.
"We recognize that our time has come and gone, and we're prepared to let nature run its course," said the 54-year-old, who has a well-funded 401(k) and has never taken out a high-interest loan to purchase a Jet Ski. "I'm just grateful my two children didn't turn out patient and considerate like me. They'd never be able to get anywhere in today's world."
According to Vogel, the nation's remaining grown-ups have drafted a letter to be read by the rest of us when they are gone that implores us to make "good decisions" in their absence and explains how to reignite the pilot light on the hot-water heater should it go out. The note is also said to include some money that we are firmly instructed to use only in case of a real emergency.
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2011 8:13:56 GMT -5
Yeah, put Onion in. When I first started reading I thought you had finally lost your frickin' mind!! LOL!!! Best to make it CLEAR it is Onion, so nobody tries to lynch you!!! ;D I LOVED their Romney article!! Thought I would die laughing!! And I LIKE Romney a lot. Some of their stuff is too crazy for the board, though. And other people might find other fun satire type stuff to post.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on May 20, 2011 8:16:05 GMT -5
Yeah, put Onion in. When I first started reading I thought you had finally lost your frickin' mind!! LOL!!! Best to make it CLEAR it is Onion, so nobody tries to lynch you!!! ;D I LOVED their Romney article!! Thought I would die laughing!! And I LIKE Romney a lot. Some of their stuff is too crazy for the board, though. And other people might find other fun satire type stuff to post. see, I was actually going for that reaction. lol.... cme's reaction was priceless. I'll change it in a couple days. I want to leave that OP with the thread title a little longer.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 20, 2011 8:18:21 GMT -5
Have you seen his cute pics?? I'll help out if you will modify your method just.. a tad... Ahh, one of those guys: "Just sit there and look pretty, don't talk, you'll ruin it for me." I see.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2011 8:29:32 GMT -5
I dunno, chiver-- that last one-- was that real or satire???
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burnsattornincan
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Post by burnsattornincan on May 20, 2011 9:56:26 GMT -5
Ahh, one of those guys: "Just sit there and look pretty, don't talk, you'll ruin it for me." I see.
Hey smart (nice) ass. I can walk and talk simultaneously with the best of them. I'm Dalton McGuinty Burns III don't you know. The new Burns pic will be up only until Ms. mmhmm has a chance to download it safely to her collection. I'm waiting for her word...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2011 9:59:51 GMT -5
Can we have one here, burns, for our new silly politics thread?? Hows comes mmhmm gets all the pics?
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burnsattornincan
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Post by burnsattornincan on May 20, 2011 10:13:19 GMT -5
Well there was a total of 4 snapped that night. I've got 2 more but not sure if I can put them up, a little too much to see. Maybe if I touch them up a little.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2011 11:01:35 GMT -5
Too much??? (I'm single, so I can look all I want!! )
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 20, 2011 11:06:31 GMT -5
Ahh, one of those guys: "Just sit there and look pretty, don't talk, you'll ruin it for me." I see.Hey smart (nice) ass. I can walk and talk simultaneously with the best of them. I'm Dalton McGuinty Burns III don't you know. The new Burns pic will be up only until Ms. mmhmm has a chance to download it safely to her collection. I'm waiting for her word... I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and Gosh darn it, people like me!!!!!!!
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Opti
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Post by Opti on May 20, 2011 11:14:00 GMT -5
Chiver for the first two sentences I was hopeful and thought it might be you. I love the Onion too although its clear some people don't like its satire.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 20, 2011 11:29:42 GMT -5
Too much??? (I'm single, so I can look all I want!! ) What does single have to do with it? I'm married, not dead. I'm free to look all I want too!
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❤ mollymouser ❤
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Post by ❤ mollymouser ❤ on May 20, 2011 11:50:39 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2011 12:07:00 GMT -5
This message has been deleted.
moved
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Mad Dawg Wiccan
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Post by Mad Dawg Wiccan on May 20, 2011 12:14:32 GMT -5
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Post by marshabar1 on May 20, 2011 12:21:38 GMT -5
Obama Makes It Through Another Day Of Resisting Urge To Launch All U.S. Nuclear Weapons At OnceWASHINGTON—Despite being constantly tempted by the seductive power of having an apocalyptic arsenal at his fingertips, President Barack Obama somehow made it through another day Tuesday without unlocking the box on his desk that houses "the button" and launching all 5,113 U.S. nuclear warheads. Though the president confirmed his schedule was packed with security briefings, public appearances, and cabinet meetings, he said he couldn't help but steal a few glances at the bright red button, which is "right there, staring at [him], all the time." Tuesday marks the 841st-straight day Obama has withstood the button's powerful allure. "I think I was closer to pressing the button today than I have ever been," Obama said during a press conference from the White House Rose Garden, adding that he would be lying if he said he wasn't thinking about the button right at that very moment. "Let me be clear: I do not want to start a thermonuclear war. But knowing that I could at any moment, and that it would be so easy, well, it almost feels like I'm being tested or something." "Did you know that if you sort of put enough weight on the button with your fingertip, you can feel a little slack there before it actually clicks?" Obama added. "Thank you, and God bless America." According to Beltway insiders, it has taken everything in Obama's power lately to distract himself from the button, which the president once told an aide is "sort of begging to be pressed, you know?" At one point Tuesday, Obama reportedly forced himself to stop glaring at the button by leaving his desk and staring silently across the White House lawn, only to return seconds later to gaze at it some more. Obama has also been overheard asking White House staffers if they weren't just the least bit curious what would happen if he just waltzed in there right now and pushed it. "I don't want to unleash Armageddon," said Obama, adding that there is a 50-50 chance he won't be able to get through his next day in office without pressing the button at least once. "But it's hard not to dare myself to do it. It's like I'm standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, taking it all in, and I'm one millisecond away from saying to myself, 'Fuck it, Barack. Just jump.'" "Bravo-Delta-five-seven-three-Delta-Charlie-zero-two-Tango-Tango-eight-one-six-Echo-Foxtrot-zero-zero-nine-four-nine," Obama continued. "Those were the launch codes as of three minutes ago. They constantly change, but I memorize them." . . . . www.theonion.com/articles/obama-makes-it-through-another-day-of-resisting-ur,20364/
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