raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 24, 2022 8:24:03 GMT -5
Yes, June - August. You have to call in every Thursday night to see if you're up for the following week. That is the most horrific system I've ever heard of. More so to be notified in late May.
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minnesotapaintlady
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on May 24, 2022 8:47:45 GMT -5
Yes, June - August. You have to call in every Thursday night to see if you're up for the following week. That is the most horrific system I've ever heard of. More so to be notified in late May. He was originally supposed to serve Sept-Nov last year but got a one time deferment due to being away at college. We heard sometimes they just toss them out and don't call you back, which is what we assumed happened this late in the game. Guess not. He's going to have to beg for the first couple weeks off because we're going on vacation and then June 7th is his first day of work and he needs to attend the 8 hour orientation or get pushed out another 2 weeks until they have the next one.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 24, 2022 9:13:52 GMT -5
That is the most horrific system I've ever heard of. More so to be notified in late May. He was originally supposed to serve Sept-Nov last year but got a one time deferment due to being away at college. We heard sometimes they just toss them out and don't call you back, which is what we assumed happened this late in the game. Guess not. He's going to have to beg for the first couple weeks off because we're going on vacation and then June 7th is his first day of work and he needs to attend the 8 hour orientation or get pushed out another 2 weeks until they have the next one. I'm still aghast. How do employers put up with that? I don't know how I'd handle the stress of prepping for time off every week for 3 months.
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minnesotapaintlady
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on May 24, 2022 9:32:45 GMT -5
I don't know, it's the only system I've ever known. Sometimes people never get picked to come down the entire 3 months, sometimes they are told to show up on Monday and then are excused for the rest of the week.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 24, 2022 10:03:32 GMT -5
And now he has jury duty for the entire summer to boot. He's getting slammed with the grown up stuff! Seriously? Federal or state? Both here are only for a month. For federal I call at the start of the month if I don't here I've been summoned that it I'm done for the month. State I call every Monday till whatever the cut off date is. I imagine they get A LOT of people trying to get out of jury duty if you are expected to be available for three months. That's insane and I don't understand how that would work with your employer. I know they are required by law to accomodate you but still. I'd be pissed if I had to put my life on hold for three months.
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minnesotapaintlady
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on May 24, 2022 10:12:31 GMT -5
State. This is from the state's website: How long is the term of jury service? The time that a person is called upon to perform or be available for jury service varies by county. In counties with a population of 100,000 or more, a term of service must not exceed two weeks or the completion of one trial, whichever is longer. In counties with a population of less than 100,000, the maximum term of service ranges from two to four months; however, service ends after the person has reported to the courthouse for ten days or after the completion of a trial, whichever is longer
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minnesotapaintlady
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on May 24, 2022 10:15:44 GMT -5
Seriously? Federal or state? Both here are only for a month. For federal I call at the start of the month if I don't here I've been summoned that it I'm done for the month. State I call every Monday till whatever the cut off date is. I imagine they get A LOT of people trying to get out of jury duty if you are expected to be available for three months. That's insane and I don't understand how that would work with your employer. I know they are required by law to accomodate you but still. I'd be pissed if I had to put my life on hold for three months. A month is still a long time. In CT it is a day. You call the night before and see if you have to go. If they don't need you you are done with your jury duty service for at minimum a year. Here, once you're done, they won't call you back for at least 4 years. I'm 53 and have NEVER been called.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 24, 2022 10:23:59 GMT -5
It's 1 day here too. Dh and I probably get called every other year, but frequently are dismissed before reporting. 2 times i had to sit at the court till noon before being dismissed. Ive served on 2 trials, and rejected as a juror 2 other times. So 6 times of in person jury service in 21 years. My dad has never gotten past the night before phone call and he's 75. It's so weird.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on May 24, 2022 10:45:22 GMT -5
I've only been called in the county here. It was for two weeks. If you served on a jury, you were done.
The only time I did it, I didn't have to go in the first week, but I did the 2nd week on Monday. I was not picked for the jury so I had to call every evening for the rest of the week.
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minnesotapaintlady
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on May 24, 2022 17:12:41 GMT -5
Well, good news. The term of service is only 2 months now, they must have just recently changed it because it was 3 last year when he was summoned. He called and told me his letter said he wasn't starting until July 1st and I panicked because he wouldn't be done before he went back to school, but it says two months. So, that is very helpful!
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saveinla
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Post by saveinla on May 24, 2022 19:46:01 GMT -5
Here we have to call in or check in via the website for a week - I have done it 3 times now and not once have I been called.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 25, 2022 10:57:07 GMT -5
We rechecked my iron today, but my gp was adamant that I see an ob/gyn to reduce my periods. She said no amount of supplements or iv's matter until we stop the bleeding (har-har). And she's right. I'm losing twice the normal amount in the first 24 hours, and another normal monthly cycle amount in the following 5 days.
So that's my next stop. She said maybe birth control, but that if I'm done having kids she'd recommend an ablation. But she said that will start menopause. I am done having kids, but still pay $800 a year to store leftover sperm because I can't make that final decision. I don't know that I want to start menopause at 42. Hormonal birth control doesn't sound awesome either though.
I just don't want to make any decisions.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on May 25, 2022 12:13:02 GMT -5
We rechecked my iron today, but my gp was adamant that I see an ob/gyn to reduce my periods. She said no amount of supplements or iv's matter until we stop the bleeding (har-har). And she's right. I'm losing twice the normal amount in the first 24 hours, and another normal monthly cycle amount in the following 5 days. So that's my next stop. She said maybe birth control, but that if I'm done having kids she'd recommend an ablation. But she said that will start menopause. I am done having kids, but still pay $800 a year to store leftover sperm because I can't make that final decision. I don't know that I want to start menopause at 42. Hormonal birth control doesn't sound awesome either though. I just don't want to make any decisions. Why would it start menopause? Isn't that purely a hormonal matter?
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 25, 2022 12:26:57 GMT -5
We rechecked my iron today, but my gp was adamant that I see an ob/gyn to reduce my periods. She said no amount of supplements or iv's matter until we stop the bleeding (har-har). And she's right. I'm losing twice the normal amount in the first 24 hours, and another normal monthly cycle amount in the following 5 days. So that's my next stop. She said maybe birth control, but that if I'm done having kids she'd recommend an ablation. But she said that will start menopause. I am done having kids, but still pay $800 a year to store leftover sperm because I can't make that final decision. I don't know that I want to start menopause at 42. Hormonal birth control doesn't sound awesome either though. I just don't want to make any decisions. Why would it start menopause? Isn't that purely a hormonal matter? I didn't ask. Hopefully it's wrong. That would make it easier to go that route.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 25, 2022 19:15:28 GMT -5
We rechecked my iron today, but my gp was adamant that I see an ob/gyn to reduce my periods. She said no amount of supplements or iv's matter until we stop the bleeding (har-har). And she's right. I'm losing twice the normal amount in the first 24 hours, and another normal monthly cycle amount in the following 5 days. So that's my next stop. She said maybe birth control, but that if I'm done having kids she'd recommend an ablation. But she said that will start menopause. I am done having kids, but still pay $800 a year to store leftover sperm because I can't make that final decision. I don't know that I want to start menopause at 42. Hormonal birth control doesn't sound awesome either though. I just don't want to make any decisions. Why would it start menopause? Isn't that purely a hormonal matter? Dr. Google says an ablation won't affect my hormones so I don't know why she Said it would start menopause. She's a new (to me) Dr. And always a bit scattered so maybe she meant something else, or I misheard. I still have to get 100% ok with not having more kids. Which I am right up until it's permanent. But I haven't even scheduled an appointment to talk to an ob/gyn so I have some time.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on May 25, 2022 19:57:24 GMT -5
I had a c-section with DD2 and was asked if I wanted my tubes tied. I turned 42 3 weeks before she was born and i had thoughts early of getting them tied, but wasn’t definite. DH and I talked and decided not to get them tied. I went on birth control after DD2 was born.
DD2 is now 9.5 months old. DH and I spoke a couple of weeks about potential of another one. Personally, I was done but wanted DH’s thoughts. In the end, he’s done too.
I’m getting tired of taking birth control pills everyday. I’m not thinking of getting Mirena. I already had my annual appointment this year so thinking of bring it up next year or just make an appointment to get it this year. 🤷♀️ Thoughts of those that have it. How do you like it?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 26, 2022 7:40:53 GMT -5
I love my Mirena. I'm lucky and don't have periods on it.
I don't bother checking strings. Doctor said if it shifts or falls out I'll know because I'll have the mother of all periods shortly.
Having it put in wasn't fun. I tilt and my cervix is extremely tight due to having had a leap. It makes it more challenging to get it in.
Majority of people have no problem. Next time I'm going to ask for a Xanax before hand and whatever it is that softens the cervix.
I'm hoping to have one till I'm nearly through menopause. She said they help a lot with that many women are getting their first IUD in menopause because it can stop or lighten periods and regulate then again.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 26, 2022 8:11:38 GMT -5
I'm tired and need a place to vent.
MIL dying completely broke DH. He has turned every shred of anger about it on me.
I'm apparently now the biggest worst bitch of a wife that ever lived. I can't do or say anything without him blowing up or turning it into a giant anxiety fest.
Which yeah after a point you are actually starting to piss me off.
We were talking about the shooting. I like to debate he's known this for 16 years now.
It blew up into accusations of talking down to him, I am trying to win, why can't I not fight he can never just talk to me.
Dude EVERYTHING is a fight anymore to you! I could say it's cold and you'd blow up because you think it's hot and why am.I not respecting your opinions at this point?
Our sex life is nonexistent because he keeps playing guessing games instead of being direct. But when I try to confirm I'm guessing right he gets pissed and refuses to answer.
I'm done. I told him I don't want to talk, I don't want sex I'm done.
I tried being super understanding and tying myself into pretzels but all that's done is made me anxious and solved nothing.
I told him I'm done you can't use me as your whipping post anymore. Get some fucking help.
He called the EAP at his work. I'll believe he's getting help when I.see it. He's talked big before but never followed through.
Is this normal grief when someone loses a parent? I feel like it's not because he's already dysfunctional due to being an addict and now I'm seeing it without any filters.
I don't know though because I haven't experienced it.
I'm just so tired and am half tempted to give up. We were doing so well. I am so.angry at my MIL too.
She didn't have to go for that surgery.
Yes she was 82 it was going to happen but it didn't have to happen the way it did which just increased the trauma of it.
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minnesotapaintlady
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on May 26, 2022 9:06:05 GMT -5
I have mixed feelings on Mirena. It was easy to put in and periods completely stopped, but I gained weight and within a year is when all my hair fell out and I've read some things online that it can do that. The kicker is it's the same time as all the Ex 2.0 trauma, so impossible to know what really caused everything. I think my case was extreme, but even when it was removed at 18 months nothing reverted back. My periods were very regular before Mirena and after they took it out months and months went by with nothing. The OB said I probably went through menopause while on it (those 18 months?!?). Then 2 or 3 years later the periods came back, but were very irregular. Now...more than 8 years since I had it removed they're pretty much back to normal, but light. I'm sure my issues are not the norm at all, but personally if I could go back I wouldn't do it again.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on May 26, 2022 9:09:53 GMT -5
All I can tell you, Drama, is the loss of a parent is a big one--at least it was in my life.
Now my parents were 90 and 95. With mom, we knew it was coming. She had been ill for about 3 or 4 years and in hospice care the last 6 months of her life. What I found it was that it didn't matter that I knew it was coming. It didn't matter that the hospice nurse was with us for 12 straight hours. It hurt like hell and still does.
My dad's loss was different because I feel it didn't have to be as horrible as it was and I will forever blame my sister for his suffering.
Both losses were very traumatic for me.
My parents were never going to die. Never. That happened to other people's parents. I'm glad I didn't have a spouse or kids to consider. I would not have been very attentive for the first year after each loss.
Now I feel sorry for the few cousins I have that still have a parent living.
I don't remember about your DH's dad. But losing the second parent made it all so final.
It's no excuse to take it out on you.
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saveinla
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Post by saveinla on May 26, 2022 9:16:53 GMT -5
My close friend became a drunk and gambling addict, refused treatment, was in a coma for a year and died 3 years after his dad died. He did not think about his wife or 3 kids. He lost everything that he had saved and was in debt to a lot of people. They said that the issue was that he was not speaking to his dad when he died suddenly and the guilt made him do so many things that were not normal. I hope your DH can get some help NomoreDramaQ1015.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 26, 2022 9:18:31 GMT -5
FIL is still going but is 88.
And yes that plays a role in all.this too because DH is aware the clock is ticking.
DH turns 50 next year and that's setting off a chain of events.
I am not doing anything I'm following advice about no rash emotional decisions at least six months afterwards.
But I can't keep going like this. I told him.I don't exactly feel sexy when I'm being portrayed as the biggest bitch on the planet.
I mean who wouldn't want to jump someone's bones when you see yourself reflected like that in their eyes?
I have zero self esteem because while oh it's not personal and it's grief it sure feels personal to me.
And I haven't had even a moment to deal with my own grief and process it and deal with my own feelings regarding mortality.
I'm so so angry at my MIL. I KNEW something like this would happen the moment she started talking about surgery on her leg again.
This was 100% preventable and now I'm left dealing with the mess she left behind not only regarding death but the fact she was DHs enabler and now he's having to face all that.
I'm not remotely equipped to handle it. I've been demanding he seek help but I can't make him anymore than I could stop MIL.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 26, 2022 9:33:33 GMT -5
It seems to me that you've been on this loop with your dh several times. He's suffering and I want to give grace to people who are going through hard times, but I also feel that who a person is at their worst is...who they are at their core. Some people change, but you can't force or expect it. If nothing changes what would you want for yourself and the girls?
The 6 month or 1 year rule has its place but I don't think you have to give every incident it's own waiting period.
Eta - rereading that sounds really harsh and cold but I don't mean it that way. More to take emotion out of the situation and make decisions as life is/has been.
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minnesotapaintlady
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on May 26, 2022 10:11:45 GMT -5
It seems to me that you've been on this loop with your dh several times. My impression reading your posts over the years is any stress or hard times he takes out on you and this is just the latest stressor.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 26, 2022 14:25:48 GMT -5
I'm tired and need a place to vent. MIL dying completely broke DH. He has turned every shred of anger about it on me. I'm apparently now the biggest worst bitch of a wife that ever lived. I can't do or say anything without him blowing up or turning it into a giant anxiety fest. Which yeah after a point you are actually starting to piss me off. We were talking about the shooting. I like to debate he's known this for 16 years now. It blew up into accusations of talking down to him, I am trying to win, why can't I not fight he can never just talk to me. Dude EVERYTHING is a fight anymore to you! I could say it's cold and you'd blow up because you think it's hot and why am.I not respecting your opinions at this point? Our sex life is nonexistent because he keeps playing guessing games instead of being direct. But when I try to confirm I'm guessing right he gets pissed and refuses to answer. I'm done. I told him I don't want to talk, I don't want sex I'm done. I tried being super understanding and tying myself into pretzels but all that's done is made me anxious and solved nothing. I told him I'm done you can't use me as your whipping post anymore. Get some fucking help. He called the EAP at his work. I'll believe he's getting help when I.see it. He's talked big before but never followed through. Is this normal grief when someone loses a parent? I feel like it's not because he's already dysfunctional due to being an addict and now I'm seeing it without any filters.
I don't know though because I haven't experienced it. I'm just so tired and am half tempted to give up. We were doing so well. I am so.angry at my MIL too. She didn't have to go for that surgery. Yes she was 82 it was going to happen but it didn't have to happen the way it did which just increased the trauma of it. No. Your husband has issues with regards to his family and is transferring those onto you rather than dealing with them himself. You are correct, you ARE being his whipping boy and it's not right. I don't know how to deal with this, but I'd probably disengage for awhile until he gets his head on straight. The only way I can see him being an addict is that by being on the wagon, there are no crutches for him to use other than anger and you are in his direct line of fire. Insisting that he sees a therapist is the only way I can see you getting through this. You might want to see one too, to give you tools as to how to deal with him. I've lost both parents, largely due to a incompetent medical system. I talked to them about the fact that the local medical system was a bunch of hacks, and that they really needed to go out of the area to get their medical care but no one listened to me. So I get it, I was furious that they chose to believe the hacks over their daughter. But there comes a time where you realize that once you have said your piece, your parents are adults and make their own choices. Unfortunately, YOU have to live with their choices - as lousy as they might be. But you still can't take your frustrations out on your loved ones. There's only so much that they're going to take, and then they'll walk. I'm sorry. If your daughters are seeing this, then you might want to consider the impact his grief is having on them too.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 26, 2022 15:04:32 GMT -5
Gwen has already called him out which I wasn't aware of till today.
I also was thinking about I'm dealing with a grieving addict who doesn't have his usual coping mechanism and is lashing out accordingly.
I'm going to be mad at MIL for awhile over A LOT. I loved MIL too but first she left me with a mess when she was supplying him with pills. Now she left me with this mess thanks to her poor decision making.
She's not responsible for DHs behavior I'm aware of that buy I told DH to stop claiming his family isn't dysfunctional because there is a shitload of it.
It's just a different flavor than mine.
I laid it all out. I said get help or my relationship with you is going to turn into the one I've been developing with my parents ever since I quit.
I love my parents but they aren't changing so I adjust my behavior now accordingly and we aren't as close as we were.
I recognize more lately that I've been conditioned from a very early age to be responsible for other people's emotions and part of that is changing myself to reflect that.
Now that I'm away from Phibro and back in a healthy workplace I'm realizing hey I'm not incompetent, I'm not irresponsible, wtf people actually like me?
I'm not perfect but I'm not the problem in.my three main relationships and I'm tired of it.
So I'm going to start changing that. I know it's pissed off my mom. I've decided I'm fine leaving DH in the dust too if need be.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on May 26, 2022 15:47:29 GMT -5
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 26, 2022 16:24:43 GMT -5
Gwen has already called him out which I wasn't aware of till today. I also was thinking about I'm dealing with a grieving addict who doesn't have his usual coping mechanism and is lashing out accordingly. I'm going to be mad at MIL for awhile over A LOT. I loved MIL too but first she left me with a mess when she was supplying him with pills. Now she left me with this mess thanks to her poor decision making. She's not responsible for DHs behavior I'm aware of that buy I told DH to stop claiming his family isn't dysfunctional because there is a shitload of it. It's just a different flavor than mine. I laid it all out. I said get help or my relationship with you is going to turn into the one I've been developing with my parents ever since I quit. I love my parents but they aren't changing so I adjust my behavior now accordingly and we aren't as close as we were. I recognize more lately that I've been conditioned from a very early age to be responsible for other people's emotions and part of that is changing myself to reflect that. Now that I'm away from Phibro and back in a healthy workplace I'm realizing hey I'm not incompetent, I'm not irresponsible, wtf people actually like me? I'm not perfect but I'm not the problem in.my three main relationships and I'm tired of it. So I'm going to start changing that. I know it's pissed off my mom. I've decided I'm fine leaving DH in the dust too if need be. Sounds like you have a good handle on it, an$ have accurately analyzed it. Now, how much crap do you take? Where is your line in the sand? Realize, him beating up on you verbally and treating you like this is going to come into play as to how you view your self worth. You are getting it back, is this going to set you back? Are you going to let it? You can control only yourself.
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seriousthistime
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Post by seriousthistime on May 26, 2022 17:23:46 GMT -5
My dad died suddenly when I was 7. I understood enough to know we would be in dire emotional and financial straits and that as the oldest child, my secure world was about to be turned upside down. My mom died when I was in my early 50s. I had established my own life/marriage/kids/job, she had health problems that we knew were serious, and she just deteriorated over 6 months. She was 79. My reaction to the loss of my father was vastly different than to the loss of my mother. Age and circumstances were not comparable at all. With my father's death, I was completely shocked and stressed while also seeing what my mother was going through, so I stuffed it inside. With my mother, I was just very sad, and that lasted for a while. She lived to a reasonable age, within the life expectancy of a woman who smoked.
Grief is different for all of us, and different depending on the circumstances. I think the question is not whether your DH's grief is normal, but whether it is abnormal. There is a very wide range of normal reactions to the loss of a parent. Counseling should help immensely. Couples counseling could also be worthwhile to get you past this anger and for him to understand that how he directs his grief toward you is not healthy or appropriate. I wonder if he is blaming himself for something here, and is directing it onto you. Maybe he has to make sure you are hurting to the same or greater extent?
I get that you and DH are angry with MIL's decision to undergo a procedure that led to her death. You think it was a mistake, and completely avoidable. But it was her call, and she made that choice. Intellectually, you know this. Emotionally, you and DH are having a hard time accepting it.
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2022 19:14:06 GMT -5
NomoreDramaQ1015 I’ve always felt that you were working hard to be the person standing between your children and the generations of dysfunction in your and your husbands’ families, instead of blindly passing it all onto yet another generation, your children. That is not an easy spot to be in, because you have to do a lot of work on yourself to root out all the learned behaviors and thoughts that you “inherited” yourself (I can speak on that because I’ve had to do it myself, and have 2 or 3 years of therapy to prove it), while also dealing with your family members, including your DH and his family, who refuse to grow and learn new behaviors and different, better ways of dealing with life. I encourage you to stand strong. And by that, I don’t mean stand strong and deal with or accept things that are ultimately harmful to you and/or your precious children. I mean stand strong in your convictions and doing what’s right and HEALTHY for you and your girls, even when it is difficult and/or painful. You are doing good work, and you really are awesome. Please believe that. I’m a lot of things, but a liar isn’t one of them, so I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t believe it to be true. I understand it might not mean much coming from an anonymous person on the internet, but if I could somehow pour that belief into you, I would. But all I can really do is tell you and hope you accept it and believe it like I do. I sincerely wish you well, my friend.
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