swasat
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Post by swasat on Apr 23, 2022 15:12:05 GMT -5
I have nothing to add except to say to geenamercile, the world is a better place because kind, gentle, big hearted and generous people like you exist in it. I am awed by the work that you do and the amount of compassion counselors like you have. I have a tendency to forget my place in the world I.e. sometimes I forget we are all the mercy of fate and universe. And then I read stories like what Poptart is going through and how lucky her nephew is to have her, and what geenamercile does on a daily basis to help those who can’t help themselves, and I am put in my place instantly.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 2, 2022 17:54:06 GMT -5
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on May 3, 2022 19:42:02 GMT -5
I wonder how much of that is the mindset that the extra housework falls under taking care of the kids. Kids make messes, more laundry ect...
ETA- should have read the whole thing before popping over and making my comment 1/2 way through.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 3, 2022 20:02:21 GMT -5
I thought about it more and the things that irritated me the most about the article was the idea that women are "compensating" somehow with housework for their higher salaries but also ending on the note that it just takes more communication to equalize work loads. I need to read the linked studies.
I don't understand the why behind it, but it is so pervasive that men/dads drop the ball. No one told/tells me what needs to be done. Most of parenting happens in the mundane details of life. If you can't be bother to show up for those you are 1) slacking off and 2)will miss out in the end.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on May 4, 2022 6:42:50 GMT -5
Rae - another take on an age old topic that hits close to home for me, thx for sharing.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on May 4, 2022 16:25:21 GMT -5
I thought about it more and the things that irritated me the most about the article was the idea that women are "compensating" somehow with housework for their higher salaries but also ending on the note that it just takes more communication to equalize work loads. I need to read the linked studies. I don't understand the why behind it, but it is so pervasive that men/dads drop the ball. No one told/tells me what needs to be done. Most of parenting happens in the mundane details of life. If you can't be bother to show up for those you are 1) slacking off and 2)will miss out in the end. The way I read the article it jumped out at me that in both cases that credited better communication the women also went from out earning their husbands to earning less then them so I am not convinced that the communication was the driving factor in the change. Had this change happened where the financial imbalance was still the same it would be easier for me to credit communication. Just saying
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on May 4, 2022 16:41:35 GMT -5
An observation from spending a week with a couple where the husband is the primary person doing the household chores.
DN1 has always done all of the cooking in their relationship. I'm sure he is relieved that his MIL is taking over some of those duties.
For the first 15 months or so of the Toddler's life, he was the primary caregiver. She said this trip that all she did when the Toddler was an infant was breast feed him and she would fall asleep and DN1 would put the baby in bed. This was the first time I have heard her say she thinks she had post partum depression.
I think she started doing more caregiving to the Toddler when she realized he wasn't going to say mommy because it was daddy who was doing everything for him. She rarely changed a diaper. Baby was born March 31 2020, so a pandemic baby. DN1 was doing grocery ordering or pick up, wiping everything down, etc., doing anything that was happening around the house.
The only laundry I have ever seen her do is her own. I have heard her tell him numerous times to start the dishwasher but I have never seen her take out dishes or start the dishwasher.
He grounds coffee and serves her every morning. To his credit, he served me tea but I felt guilty adding to his burden.
The Toddler switched to wanting mommy when daddy did something the physical therapist suggested and the Toddler is still mad about it and has punished him ever since by favoring mommy.
Mommy does not have the patience of daddy. I know DN1 has done lots of giving up things in his academic career to advance hers. Doing the caretaking of the Toddler for many hours drivers her crazy. The constant whining when he was sick really bugged her. I was glad her mother was there to take him on long walks on the days he was too sick to go to school. She isn't going to harm him, but she doesn't have the same nurturing skills that DN1 has.
When I look back at his childhood, he was always nurturing friends who had problems. My parents' next door neighbors totally neglected their adopted daughter when they lived in that area when he was a kid. DN1 worried about her and made sure Grandma (my mom) made sure she was fed and clean. Then they moved and he worried about her. He still says his biggest regret of his grandparents moving is not his loss but the little girl's loss. She has had lots of problems with the law over the years and he still thinks his influence could have helped her.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 5, 2022 7:55:52 GMT -5
Dh is a different person when we have company. Anytime we have out of state visitors he puts on public face dh who cooks, cleans, and hosts like it's nothing. He can keep that up for a week but it breaks him for at least a couple months afterwards.
That isn't to discount your dnephew Theo, but I know my out of state family would say similar things about my dh based on their visits.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on May 5, 2022 14:35:52 GMT -5
I am not saying it based on visits. I have seen it but it was like that since the time they moved in together. Her career is more important than his so he does all of those things.
Now as for cleaning, neither of them does that. That's why they have a cleaning lady who comes every other week.
I wouldn't say they are great hosts either. They shut themselves in their office for many hours a day and they want it totally quiet during those hours.
See why I get the guest suite?
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on May 5, 2022 16:22:12 GMT -5
My brother is the primary parent in his household as well. My SIL just isn't the nurturing type either. 😕 I feel badly for him as he also has a fairly stressful job (she does too) but he is the one who has to stay home if kids are sick, etc.
I am the primary parent in my household, but it has gotten a little easier as the kids have gotten older because they are involved in activities that the likes and helps with (softball). But the onus of making appointments, combing hair, feeding everyone, etc. still falls on me.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on May 5, 2022 19:25:23 GMT -5
NIL wanted daddy to take care of the Toddler when he was sick while he was there but the Toddler only wanted mommy. He was so clingy. I know I would have gotten tired of a whining, crying, feverish 2 year old wanting me except when he was sleeping. She took care of him and held him.
I do not know how any of you raise children. After being with a sick kid for 6 of my 7 days in Toronto, I think each of you is a saint. Some of you have more children. Some are single parents. All kinds of situations and I do not know how you do it.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on May 8, 2022 8:40:11 GMT -5
Happy Mother's Day, everyone! You are doing a great job.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 10, 2022 12:29:45 GMT -5
Took ds to the derm this morning and he'll start Accutane once his blood work comes back clear. I'm shocked and relieved they're jumping right to that since hes only 12, but puberty struck early and he has severe breakouts.
He tried retin-A but didn't like the topical especially as it's spread to chest, back, and shoulders. I really wish I had done this in the fall. He'll have to be so careful with sun exposure.
@poptart - thinking of you and your family.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 13, 2022 7:56:53 GMT -5
Is it bad that Gwen's science teacher wants me to call and I don't want to?
This is the one who made a theater out of kids awkward giggling when another kid had a meltdown requiring two teachers and the cop to restrain.
We've had several lock downs and fights are so bad the school system sent out emails trying to reassure parents it's not that bad.
I'm sorry I don't want to hear about how my kid talks in class.
Should she? No but your damn school has bigger problems. Stop calling me about it all the time.
We have two weeks left. IDGAF anymore. Her grades are good and my main motivation is just get her physically through the next two years. Middle school is not that important.
I'm also tired of him not emailing us then I have to ay phone tag. Neither my or DHs job is really set up for that. Every other teacher the kids have email us. He's the only one who calls.
Or it's about trying to push her into honors science which she does not want to do. I'm okay with that at the middle school level.
I pushed myself to take all those and excel and it still didn't get me shit. If she qualifies again for 8th I'll reconsider my stance but I'm okay with a 7th grader choosing to be average.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 13, 2022 8:54:00 GMT -5
I don't think I could not call back. But I might email instead and say based on your schedule it's really difficult to connect over the phone, can he please email. Or leave a voice mail to that effect when he's in class.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 16, 2022 8:00:35 GMT -5
This is pretty much what I feel like. Especially your lunch is a piece of cheese. Just 1 more week to get through, but it feels impossible right now.
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on May 16, 2022 9:10:23 GMT -5
I have two weeks left. I absolutely HATE May. So much end of year stuff going on. I've pretty much given up on lunches entirely.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 16, 2022 10:04:10 GMT -5
I have two weeks left. I absolutely HATE May. So much end of year stuff going on. I've pretty much given up on lunches entirely. I feel like the schools gave up on lunches too. This week is like sack lunch from school or sack lunch from home. I've never debated buying a stack of lunchables more than I did yesterday.
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on May 16, 2022 11:38:29 GMT -5
I have two weeks left. I absolutely HATE May. So much end of year stuff going on. I've pretty much given up on lunches entirely. I feel like the schools gave up on lunches too. This week is like sack lunch from school or sack lunch from home. I've never debated buying a stack of lunchables more than I did yesterday. I just threw another $40 into the lunch account this morning which was a few dollars in the hole. Hopefully that gets him to the end of the year. Half the time I pack him something he still goes and charges a bunch of crap to his account and comes home with untouched food in his lunch box. I'm all for year round school like his cousins in Hawaii have. Can we PLEASE just keep things relatively consistent year round?
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 17, 2022 22:35:29 GMT -5
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finnime
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Post by finnime on May 18, 2022 7:14:26 GMT -5
That is a very interesting piece, raeoflyte. Thanks for posting.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on May 18, 2022 8:00:08 GMT -5
The linked website is a very interesting rabbit hole. The incomes seem so low. I beat their listed income in my first professional job out of college at 24. At the age of 35, I was 3x what they have listed. At 18, my brother beat what they had listed for age 35.
My neighborhood is one of the top 3 areas in the county. I will say that my parents purposely chose to be in that area for certain schools and to avoid other schools.
I guess maybe they assume remaining in the same area? Although I was still in the same state when I got my first professional job.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 18, 2022 22:42:28 GMT -5
The linked website is a very interesting rabbit hole. The incomes seem so low. I beat their listed income in my first professional job out of college at 24. At the age of 35, I was 3x what they have listed. At 18, my brother beat what they had listed for age 35. My neighborhood is one of the top 3 areas in the county. I will say that my parents purposely chose to be in that area for certain schools and to avoid other schools. I guess maybe they assume remaining in the same area? Although I was still in the same state when I got my first professional job. The income really does seem low. But I love the overall message to stop stressing about everything. Not that I can remember that in the moment ever for my own kids.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 22, 2022 11:20:16 GMT -5
I'm trying to decide how much freedom to give dd over the summer, especially on days dh and I are both working.
I love her being outside and I feel like I had pretty open neighborhood reign by 9.5.
Maybe Ill my office upstairs temporarily. Then I'd be more likely to hear her. And get her a watch with a timer to come check in regularly.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on May 23, 2022 21:44:54 GMT -5
I'm trying to decide how much freedom to give dd over the summer, especially on days dh and I are both working. I love her being outside and I feel like I had pretty open neighborhood reign by 9.5. Maybe Ill my office upstairs temporarily. Then I'd be more likely to hear her. And get her a watch with a timer to come check in regularly. When my kids were younger I had a family tracker on all of our phones. It made it much easier to figure out where everyone was at without having to actually check in.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 23, 2022 21:55:50 GMT -5
I'm trying to decide how much freedom to give dd over the summer, especially on days dh and I are both working. I love her being outside and I feel like I had pretty open neighborhood reign by 9.5. Maybe Ill my office upstairs temporarily. Then I'd be more likely to hear her. And get her a watch with a timer to come check in regularly. When my kids were younger I had a family tracker on all of our phones. It made it much easier to figure out where everyone was at without having to actually check in. We have a "house" cell phone that will become dd's eventually, but it isn't one she carries with her yet. That is the most appealing reason to make it hers now though. I've always said ds would never have had a phone so young if not for diabetes, but I loved being able to check on him and touch base at any time. Maybe Ill get some of the apple trackers. 1 on her scooter, 1 on her bike, and upgrade her fitbit and put one on it too. I moved my office to the living room last night. Day 1 upstairs and of summer break was a little hectic, but overall a win. I don't know if I'll ever be convinced to move back downstairs, but I miss having a door that closes. I let dd play with her friends on the block. The neighbor kids we're exceptionally loud today so no problem knowing where she was.
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on May 23, 2022 22:22:07 GMT -5
I swear to god. Adult kids are the hardest! He came with to Carrot's court of honor for scouts tonight and got so excited to be with his Troop again that he decided he wanted to go to summer camp with them again. So, they're all happy and excited and he's working with the committee chair to figure out what he needs to do to get his adult leader reinstated and I'm like, uh...you're starting a full time job in 2 weeks and can't take any time off the first 3 months (so basically at all). He assures me that the temp service told him any time off requests he wanted would be honored if they were pre-approved before this Friday. Ok fine, but what about your CLASSES? You will be totally out in the sticks with not even phone service for 8 days when you're taking two online classes? He fought me on this one almost all the way home trying to tell me it would be fine to miss a week in asynchronous online classes. A week? In classes that are only 8 weeks long? And you don't know how they're going to dole out the assignments, it might not be you can just work ahead. He finally conceded that I was right. I mean, I wish I wasn't. He really wants to go off and just be a kid again for a week, but damn...gotta do the adult now son.
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on May 24, 2022 8:12:08 GMT -5
And now he has jury duty for the entire summer to boot. He's getting slammed with the grown up stuff!
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 24, 2022 8:16:57 GMT -5
And now he has jury duty for the entire summer to boot. He's getting slammed with the grown up stuff! The entire summer?
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on May 24, 2022 8:20:52 GMT -5
And now he has jury duty for the entire summer to boot. He's getting slammed with the grown up stuff! The entire summer? Yes, June - August. You have to call in every Thursday night to see if you're up for the following week.
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