stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Jul 24, 2021 12:04:41 GMT -5
MPL - I can't wait to hear how he handled it! I'll bet he was the cool kid on campus so he did ok once he settled down. If I'm right, I want an ice cream!
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Jul 24, 2021 19:29:21 GMT -5
MPL - I can't wait to hear how he handled it! I'll bet he was the cool kid on campus so he did ok once he settled down. If I'm right, I want an ice cream! I couldn't figure out how to buy you ice cream so treated the kids to your win at Dairy Queen. Tree fell on the tent at 2:30am and he crawled out and went for help to rescue the other kid. He's kind of a legend now.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Jul 24, 2021 23:56:21 GMT -5
I'll have my DH settle your debt for you (-: Hope your boys enjoyed it Funnily enough, I LOVE Dairy Queen ice cream I'm really glad it worked out so well. What a great young man to overcome his fear and go for help instead!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 25, 2021 9:34:28 GMT -5
My babies
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Jul 25, 2021 9:47:47 GMT -5
MPL - I can't wait to hear how he handled it! I'll bet he was the cool kid on campus so he did ok once he settled down. If I'm right, I want an ice cream! I couldn't figure out how to buy you ice cream so treated the kids to your win at Dairy Queen. Tree fell on the tent at 2:30am and he crawled out and went for help to rescue the other kid. He's kind of a legend now. Wow! That looks pretty scary!
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Jul 25, 2021 11:10:03 GMT -5
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 25, 2021 11:43:09 GMT -5
To humble brag that's the first real picture I've ever taken smiling with my mouth open. My teeth are just about done.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Jul 25, 2021 13:47:41 GMT -5
You guys look happy and relaxed. Nice smiles and love the colored hair. Congratulations on being brave enough to fix your teeth. They look great!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2021 18:23:03 GMT -5
minnesotapaintlady Wow! What a scary thing to happen to anybody, let alone a kid. If he's not proud of himself, he should be! NomoreDramaQ1015, Gwen looks like a mini-NoMoreDrama. Can't quite tell about Abby. Love her hair. And love your smile Enjoy your vacay.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Jul 31, 2021 0:23:32 GMT -5
Temperature check - pls tell me if I'm overreacting.
Sound asleep, hear weird noises at midnight so go investigate. DH is scotch taping balloons and signs to the hallway outside of our bedrooms for dd12s bday. I quietly offer to go find the painters tape for him. He mutters that I'm so picky. Two mins later dd12 wakes up and opens her door to bust him so now I'm also the bad guy for ruining it.
Meanwhile now here I sit unable to sleep bc he awoke my insomnia beast.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Jul 31, 2021 7:30:11 GMT -5
azucena, sounds like family life to me. No one's the bad guy. Everyone had good intentions. Happy birthday to your DD13!
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ners
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Post by ners on Jul 31, 2021 9:58:05 GMT -5
azucena There is no bad guy. Happy Birthday to your DD. Sorry about the lack of aleep.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Aug 1, 2021 18:56:49 GMT -5
Temperature check - pls tell me if I'm overreacting. Sound asleep, hear weird noises at midnight so go investigate. DH is scotch taping balloons and signs to the hallway outside of our bedrooms for dd12s bday. I quietly offer to go find the painters tape for him. He mutters that I'm so picky. Two mins later dd12 wakes up and opens her door to bust him so now I'm also the bad guy for ruining it. Meanwhile now here I sit unable to sleep bc he awoke my insomnia beast. Ugh. Tough. Did you know he was going to do that before hand?
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Aug 1, 2021 19:05:14 GMT -5
We pay (what I think is) a substantial amount of money for DD#2's living/college expenses each month. She is 19, a junior in college, working full time during the summer and breaks and 25 hours per week during the school year. We've been clear with her about what we pay for and how much we pay toward it. We have cut off our children before when they do something that goes against our expectations. (We have four children, and DD#2 is the youngest. Our main parenting motto is our love is unconditional, our money has strings attached, and our mocking is free.) At least ten times in the previous six months, she's used our credit card without asking (which is on her apple pay) to buy fast food or Starbucks. None of that is part of what we pay for right now. She knows how obsessive I am about money and balancing accounts; she knows there's absolutely no way for a single charge to slip by. She has used the "excuse" of "Oh, I didn't mean to use your card". This morning--because I generally reconcile on Sunday mornings--I found one from Wednesday for McDonald's. DH has had enough. He wants me to revoke her access to our card. He's not telling me to stop paying for our agreed upon supports. He has decided she's taken advantage of us one too many times.
Seriously, in the last six months, we're not talking about more than $100 total. It's not causing us actual fiscal problems. It is however at minimum damned annoying and potentially an actual breach of trust.
What do you think?
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Aug 1, 2021 19:18:04 GMT -5
I agree with DH. I'd pull the card. It's not the amount, it's the attitude/ behavior that isn't stopping and you know her answer is a lie.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 1, 2021 19:22:03 GMT -5
I know my mother would have told me she was done because I had not obeyed her and she had warned me several times. And she would follow through with cutting me off.
My mother didn't parent me in today's world. I just know that any money my mom let me have access to for a specific reason had to be used for that or it was the end.
My dad co-signed for my first car. He made it very clear to me that if I missed one payment, he would take the car and sell it and pay off the loan. I never missed a payment.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Aug 1, 2021 19:30:24 GMT -5
Agree with the others. She needs to put her own card on her Apple Pay. She is not respecting the line you've drawn.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Aug 1, 2021 19:34:33 GMT -5
I would generally agree that it's the behavior and not the amount. On the other hand, I don't know anything about how Apple pay works. I assume you could link multiple cards but I'm not sure how that works. Is your card set as primary and she's forgetting to change it before buying Starbucks, McDonald's, etc?
If it's all happening via Apple pay, I would make her switch primary to her card and give her one more chance. But again I know nothing about how all that works.
We use different accounts for different things plus I think Google Pay got my card hacked so I'm not a fan.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 1, 2021 20:49:52 GMT -5
I would double check the apple pay settings. My account is primary for Google and unless you toggle it defaults to mine.
I wouldn't be surprised if apple pay is the same way.
That being said I'd take her off. She could have offered to reimburse you or promised to be more careful. Her flippant attitude combined with the technology is not a good mix.
We got hacked so I removed all my information. I don't trust apple pay, venom or any of those for that reason.
If she works like you say on top of support from you I'm sure she can find the money elsewhere or do what everyone else does and go without if she can't afford it.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Aug 1, 2021 21:05:45 GMT -5
I agree with DH. I'd pull the card. It's not the amount, it's the attitude/ behavior that isn't stopping and you know her answer is a lie. Yeah that. FWIW, I never had access to either of my parent’s credit cards growing up. My mom did co-sign a loan for me once and I wasn’t late on any of the payments. The same did not hold for my brother. My mom did it once and never again.
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justme
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Post by justme on Aug 1, 2021 22:24:55 GMT -5
So I use Samsung pay and there's no default card. It's just a carousel of cards (with the picture being how the card looks for most of them) that when you open it it's on whatever card you last used. If Apple pay is like that, there's not much of an excuse.
So when I was in college I only got a credit card from them for specific reasons. Being only an hour away helped - the biggest time I screwed up monetarily wise my car was in their name so they had to drive here anyways. But my bank account was tied to theirs for overdraw protection. It was linked to a savings account they didn't really touch. A couple times I screwed up but I can't think of a time where I didn't tell them first. Which is obviously much better than them finding out - which gives the idea of trying to sneak it past.
Thanks to my spendthrift brother a condition from them was being on my account so they could check my spending - mostly for if I asked for money.
I don't think taking the card back from her is too harsh. It's not a huge impact for her, but it is a bit of a watch what you spend and be responsible nudge.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Aug 1, 2021 22:49:06 GMT -5
For Apple Pay, it is on the iPhone (or Watch, which that child doesn't have) and you can literally see an image of the card when using it at the store. Now, on Starbucks, if she uses the app, then it doesn't ask her for a card. Mine was set as the default, which had been fine during the initial set up. I also keep her Starbucks account on my phone. I haven't eaten at Sonic for well over a decade, so I don't know if they have their own online ordering app or if it was Apple Pay. She did pay me back today--via Venmo, so it was immediate cash--without hesitation.
Sigh.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2021 23:11:52 GMT -5
I use Apple Pay. I have a debit card attached to it, so I can transfer money with individuals, that’s how I pay the man that maintains the yard at the other house since I never see him in person. And a credit card for when I buy stuff.
It’s not that hard to tell whether I’m using cash loaded into Apple Pay or which card is being used before I confirm the payment.
I admit I’m an enabler that’s still trying to change my ways and trying to figure out how to undo some things I’ve allowed people to expect from me, so consider that when I share my opinion.
Having said that, I agree with your husband about taking her access to the card. Even if she’s using your card for small purchases “unintentionally”, after the first time or 2, it’s respectful and responsible to pay more attention and make sure she doesn’t use it without prior approval or whatever the agreement is. Especially since you’ve already mentioned it to her. I understand it’s always been small amounts, to me that’s not the point. It’s moreso appreciating all that her parents do for her, and showing you and DH that she can be responsible and respect the boundaries you’ve put in place. And as you said, it’s a breach of trust. Better to stop it now, than risk it continuing and becoming larger amounts of money, then you all end up feeling some type of way about each other because of it.
Just my opinion, and like I said, I’m probably biased because of my own issues. In my experience, even something small like this, can lead to bigger issues, but at the same time you aren’t me, and your DD isn’t any of the people I deal with in my own life.
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Aug 2, 2021 7:44:44 GMT -5
I would pull the card. It's not like in this day and age it would be difficult to get her money if it was an emergency. My son has one of my credit cards on him to buy things I want him to pick up from the store and such and "emergencies" at college, but even being away at school there was never a need. He covered all his personal expenses with his debit and can charge almost anything he needs to his student account at the college. I thought about taking the CC back, but in the 3 years he's been carrying it he's never once used it without permission. If he did it would be gone.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Aug 2, 2021 8:30:15 GMT -5
Doubtful that a college kid doesn't understand how to set up default card, etc.
I'd pull the card for a few months and make it very clear that it's not about the $$ spent, it's about respect.
Venmo gives you the option to get her money quickly if really needed.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 2, 2021 8:53:24 GMT -5
My Apple Pay only has my Apple Card tied to it for a reason. There is no mistake about which card is being used.
I did have another card on it and it was clear which card I was using.
I'm old and won't use Venmo.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Aug 2, 2021 8:55:04 GMT -5
MPL- as frustrating as your eldest can be, he's a really good kid.
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Aug 2, 2021 9:28:18 GMT -5
MPL- as frustrating as your eldest can be, he's a really good kid. He stresses me out in other ways!
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Aug 2, 2021 12:14:22 GMT -5
Knee Deep in Water Chloe. My take on DD is that she is just being careless with how she is managing her accounts. She is not extravagantly spending money (well some here consider Starbucks extravagant). If it were me, I would continue to request payback via Venmo every time she uses for what she shouldn’t. Hopefully at some point she wil realize that it is easier to charge to the correct card than to have her mother bug her about the charges. Maybe that is my passive aggressive way of dealing with adult children.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Aug 2, 2021 22:16:37 GMT -5
MPL- as frustrating as your eldest can be, he's a really good kid. He stresses me out in other ways! I had one like yours, I think. Smart, fun, lazy, left stuff to the last minute all the time. He's in his late 20's, only came home for 4 months after he graduated college, paid his student loans off in 3 years, and makes 6 figures. Still plays video games, sleeps late and forgets my birthday 🙃 but he's a wonderful and loving person who has never needed a handout.
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