how important are “good schools”…

[formerroomate99]

Sept 15, 2021 7:32:50 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Sept 14, 2021 21:18:57 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

And this is why if I go the private school route I’m going to try and steer clear of the private religious ones. Not that drugs don’t happen at other private schools…. Or public ones….

Fwiw, that's not been the experience at the private religious school my kids go to, meanwhile the public high school is a cesspool.  Which just goes to show that you really need to evaluate schools individually.

In some areas, the Catholic schools provide a very affordable alternative to public schools that have been failing for generations. You’ll pay twice as much for the non-religious private school.

Though if your kid is special needs, nothing beats being in a good school district. Most of the private schools just aren’t staffed for this.

[Deleted]

Sept 14, 2021 21:09:23 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Sept 14, 2021 20:04:02 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

I have a really good memory and she was the one that told me back in the MSN days, that I should be grateful for slavery since it was the reason I was born in the US.

Excuse me?!

I missed this until now. But yes that’s exactly what formerroomate99 said to me in a thread on the WIR board back in the MSN days. I wouldn’t lie about something like that. So keep that in mind regarding the advice she gives you about anything, especially your child.

I tagged her so it can’t be said that I’m talking about her behind her back.

[swamp]

Sept 15, 2021 19:55:14 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

Sept 14, 2021 21:09:23 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Excuse me?!

I missed this until now. But yes that’s exactly what formerroomate99 said to me in a thread on the WIR board back in the MSN days. I wouldn’t lie about something like that. So keep that in mind regarding the advice she gives you about anything, especially your child.

I tagged her so it can’t be said that I’m talking about her behind her back.

  WTF?  That was actually said to you?  

[laterbloomer]

Sept 15, 2021 17:33:07 GMT -5 formerroomate99 said:

Sept 15, 2021 8:38:36 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

But you didn't specify these particular white skinned people valued families, law and order and education.

There are plenty of places in this country where I could send my kids to schools where everybody looks like them, and they would get a shitty education because the culture doesn’t value education and many of the parents are either on drugs or otherwise too distracted to parent.

Culture and race are not the same thing. Not all cultures are the same. And your views of education, family, discipline of children etc. are going to be influenced by the culture you’re in. If you want to claim that that view makes me racist, well, I can’t stop you.

I have a cousin who grew up in a ghetto neighborhood with a train wreck mother in an absent father. Despite the fact that she was able to marry up and never had to work or worry about money, her kids had a lot of trouble in school because it took her way too long to realize that things like consistent bedtimes and consistent discipline were necessary. These things simply weren’t valued in the culture she grew up in.

If you want your kids to get a good education, money and melanin levels aren’t anywhere near as important as having parents who value education and Are willing to do what it takes to make sure their kids show up to school ready to learn.

Why don't you just say "oops, that came out bad. Sorry I made it seem I think most brown skinned people don't value family, education and law and order. My bad" And we can all move on instead of reading your thesis about how bad all kinds of "cultures" are. Alternatively you could just drop it and say it better next time.

[MJ2.0]

Sept 15, 2021 20:23:00 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Sept 15, 2021 17:33:07 GMT -5 formerroomate99 said:

There are plenty of places in this country where I could send my kids to schools where everybody looks like them, and they would get a shitty education because the culture doesn’t value education and many of the parents are either on drugs or otherwise too distracted to parent.

Culture and race are not the same thing. Not all cultures are the same. And your views of education, family, discipline of children etc. are going to be influenced by the culture you’re in. If you want to claim that that view makes me racist, well, I can’t stop you.

I have a cousin who grew up in a ghetto neighborhood with a train wreck mother in an absent father. Despite the fact that she was able to marry up and never had to work or worry about money, her kids had a lot of trouble in school because it took her way too long to realize that things like consistent bedtimes and consistent discipline were necessary. These things simply weren’t valued in the culture she grew up in.

If you want your kids to get a good education, money and melanin levels aren’t anywhere near as important as having parents who value education and Are willing to do what it takes to make sure their kids show up to school ready to learn.

Why don't you just say "oops, that came out bad. Sorry I made it seem I think most brown skinned people don't value family, education and law and order. My bad" And we can all move on instead of reading your thesis about how bad all kinds of "cultures" are. Alternatively you could just drop it and say it better next time.

Because where’s the fun in that?🤣🙄

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Sept 15, 2021 20:23:00 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Sept 15, 2021 17:33:07 GMT -5 formerroomate99 said:

There are plenty of places in this country where I could send my kids to schools where everybody looks like them, and they would get a shitty education because the culture doesn’t value education and many of the parents are either on drugs or otherwise too distracted to parent.

Culture and race are not the same thing. Not all cultures are the same. And your views of education, family, discipline of children etc. are going to be influenced by the culture you’re in. If you want to claim that that view makes me racist, well, I can’t stop you.

I have a cousin who grew up in a ghetto neighborhood with a train wreck mother in an absent father. Despite the fact that she was able to marry up and never had to work or worry about money, her kids had a lot of trouble in school because it took her way too long to realize that things like consistent bedtimes and consistent discipline were necessary. These things simply weren’t valued in the culture she grew up in.

If you want your kids to get a good education, money and melanin levels aren’t anywhere near as important as having parents who value education and Are willing to do what it takes to make sure their kids show up to school ready to learn.

Why don't you just say "oops, that came out bad. Sorry I made it seem I think most brown skinned people don't value family, education and law and order. My bad" And we can all move on instead of reading your thesis about how bad all kinds of "cultures" are. Alternatively you could just drop it and say it better next time.

Cause it didn't. She meant what she said. This is justification after being called out

[andi9899]

Sept 14, 2021 20:04:02 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

Sept 14, 2021 19:52:34 GMT -5 azucena said:

You really have no idea how you sound, do you?

I have a really good memory and she was the one that told me back in the MSN days, that I should be grateful for slavery since it was the reason I was born in the US.

So she doesn’t give a fuck how offensive her posts are. 

Are you serious?! What a dick!

[andi9899]

Sept 14, 2021 17:04:19 GMT -5 formerroomate99 said:

Sept 13, 2021 18:00:17 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

And white…

My son went to kindergarten at the school that covered large mansions with room for horses and an incredibly large trailer park. It was a good school because whether the parents were from the trailer park or from the mansions they sent their kids to school with a full nights sleep and actually gave a crap about their kids education and behavior. Parent teacher night was a complete madhouse because everybody showed up.

My other son went to a preschool where 90% of the parents were brown skinned first-generation immigrants. But because these particular brown skin people came from a culture that valued stable families, law and order, and education, my son did very well there.

In general, I think a good school is one where the parents actually have their necks together, and where the school is actually a good fit for your kid. I took my son out of the school that was very very wealthy and where the parents were very involved and put him into another school where disproportionately large number of the parents are first generation immigrants and refugees. He was floundering before and is now doing great. I don’t think the first school is necessarily a bad school, but it was not a good fit for him.

What do you know about brown people? You certainly wouldn't stoop so low as to actually get to one, or any POC for that matter. There is no room for your racism or bigotry here. Perhaps you should just move along.

[andi9899]

Sept 15, 2021 8:25:29 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Sept 13, 2021 15:47:40 GMT -5 swamp said:

Too often good schools are code for wealthy parents.

Which means making connections that could help you the rest of your life. That is a big reason rich people work so hard to have their kids in good schools.

You mean buy their way in.

[laterbloomer]

Sept 16, 2021 6:24:32 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Sept 15, 2021 8:25:29 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Which means making connections that could help you the rest of your life. That is a big reason rich people work so hard to have their kids in good schools.

You mean buy their way in.

That's one way. Those college scandals weren't about quality of education.

[Deleted]

Sept 15, 2021 19:58:07 GMT -5 swamp said:

Sept 15, 2021 19:55:14 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

I missed this until now. But yes that’s exactly what formerroomate99 said to me in a thread on the WIR board back in the MSN days. I wouldn’t lie about something like that. So keep that in mind regarding the advice she gives you about anything, especially your child.

I tagged her so it can’t be said that I’m talking about her behind her back.

  WTF?  That was actually said to you?  

Yes. Those exact words.

I’m not trying to start any trouble on the boards, I’m just speaking fact. I wouldn’t take her advice on anything, and MJ shouldn’t either.

[MJ2.0]

Well I again thank everyone for their input. I think I have the insight that I was looking for.

Now for the arduous part - battling it out with XH….. just thinking about it exhausts me.

[TheOtherMe]

Good luck Jenna

[Deleted]

My apologies MJ2.0, I feel like my comments kind of shut your thread down, and that was not my intention.

[MJ2.0]

Sept 16, 2021 18:45:17 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

My apologies MJ2.0, I feel like my comments kind of shut your thread down, and that was not my intention.

No no, don’t feel bad. FWIW I appreciate your comments and honesty (and tbh I already had the same thoughts you did 😉). Everyone can definitely still share their ideas regarding this topic. It’s complex. Plus I have only told one IRL friend and my mom about my plans here.

And I guess I can give you all a little more background…. Some of you are aware of my issues with XH making it difficult for me to help give DS the upbringing I believe he needs. To help manage his ADHD, DS’s therapist has said many times that DS should be in a sport or doing regular sweat-producing exercise 30 mins each day. I have been pushing for him to get into a sport for years, and XH has consistently shut that down (per the legal docs, we have equal say in these decisions). Just having to pester X to get DS into swim classes pre-Covid was a whole ordeal. And they haven’t started back up so I brought up other sports he wants to do, and of course X is giving me excuses as to why it may not be a good idea. 🙄

[MJ2.0]

Also, he doesn’t keep DS physically active when they are together - it’s a lot of gaming and TV. DS is also very social and loves hanging with his friends, but I have to arrange all the social calls bc X can’t be bothered to interact with other people. And DS has told me stories about not being able to find clean clothes sometimes, there being clutter all over the place (including the floor), and I have smelled mold in DS’s clothing when I’ve picked him up.

So with all that - plus I’m not super happy with the way the school handles some things - I think it’s time for me to step in as primary for DS.

[Lizard Queen]

That's bad, and I agree it's time to get your son into a better situation. With gym in school only 1x a week, we've always looked for some kind of sport to keep our boys active. (Otherwise, I really don't care for sports, personally.) Without scheduling something or staying on them to go outside, they're total couch potatoes. And we've long suspected our 11 yo is somewhat ADD. In 2nd grade, for instance, he would do his schoolwork standing up at his desk when everyone else was sitting. He still does that at dinner. Without physical activity, he'd get the zoomies at night, and my DH would yell at him. I didn't mind the kids running around the house myself, but bedtime is the time to settle down and not get riled up. Plus sports are good for the social aspect.
Your ex sounds like a lazy parent, and I'm a lazy parent myself, but not that bad.

[andi9899]

Why does he not want him to be in sports? Does he think he's too fragile? I think this is the kid that broke a collarbone or something similar quite a while back, but I may be mistaken. Is that the basis for no sports?

[minnesotapaintlady]

I hate sports, but I agree it's good for kids to have something keeping them active, and sitting around playing video games and watching TV all the time isn't it.  Swim team has been good for my kids because you can just go to the practices if you want and never go to meets if that's all you want to do...at least our team doesn't push the meets...they might not all be like that.  It's not a huge sacrifice to drop off and pick up from the pool a few days a week (he can go all 5 but...dad...can't go on his Wednesday evening or his every other Friday)  Ex 2.0 is kind of a problem in that he doesn't want anything scheduled on HIS time, so anytime there are campouts or swim meets that fall on his weekends I have to swap weekends so HIS weekend is free to do what he wants to do.  It's not a huge problem this year, but I think as he gets older it's going to be bad.  I'm imagining a high school kid that wants to have a job or be in a sport, but can't do anything every other weekend.

I just keep hoping and praying I can get the kid to go away for college and not feel like he has to stay in town because of his codependent dad.

[MJ2.0]

Sept 17, 2021 9:42:02 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Why does he not want him to be in sports? Does he think he's too fragile? I think this is the kid that broke a collarbone or something similar quite a while back, but I may be mistaken. Is that the basis for no sports?

So far he has broken his arm (falling from monkey bars in Kindy) and collarbone (schools recess scuffle in 2nd grade). X was like this before those incidents though. I think it started as a money issue (some of these extracurriculars are pricy and neither of us could afford much at that time), and then all he would say is “I have concerns about (DS) doing that activity”. I want DS to learn martial arts as I believe it will help him have more confidence and body awareness but X blocked that. DS wants to do basketball and I brought that up a few weeks ago, but X said he wants to see how things go with DS returning to school. Not sure what that means as he has gone to school and done an activity in the past, so I think he can handle 5 days of a school and 2 days of a sport….🤔

[MJ2.0]

Sept 17, 2021 10:16:02 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I hate sports, but I agree it's good for kids to have something keeping them active, and sitting around playing video games and watching TV all the time isn't it.  Swim team has been good for my kids because you can just go to the practices if you want and never go to meets if that's all you want to do...at least our team doesn't push the meets...they might not all be like that.  It's not a huge sacrifice to drop off and pick up from the pool a few days a week (he can go all 5 but...dad...can't go on his Wednesday evening or his every other Friday)  Ex 2.0 is kind of a problem in that he doesn't want anything scheduled on HIS time, so anytime there are campouts or swim meets that fall on his weekends I have to swap weekends so HIS weekend is free to do what he wants to do.  It's not a huge problem this year, but I think as he gets older it's going to be bad.  I'm imagining a high school kid that wants to have a job or be in a sport, but can't do anything every other weekend.

I just keep hoping and praying I can get the kid to go away for college and not feel like he has to stay in town because of his codependent dad.

That’s really selfish of X2. You or YDS won’t be able to accommodate that forever, nor should you.

[MJ2.0]

Regarding activity, I’m looking at going to a rock climbing wall with DS to see how he likes it. If he likes it, we can go a few times a month. That facility also offers a youth climbing program that meets 1-2x a week.

[minnesotapaintlady]

Sept 17, 2021 10:41:11 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Sept 17, 2021 9:42:02 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Why does he not want him to be in sports? Does he think he's too fragile? I think this is the kid that broke a collarbone or something similar quite a while back, but I may be mistaken. Is that the basis for no sports?

So far he has broken his arm (falling from monkey bars in Kindy) and collarbone (schools recess scuffle in 2nd grade). X was like this before those incidents though. I think it started as a money issue (some of these extracurriculars are pricy and neither of us could afford much at that time), and then all he would say is “I have concerns about (DS) doing that activity”. I want DS to learn martial arts as I believe it will help him have more confidence and body awareness but X blocked that. DS wants to do basketball and I brought that up a few weeks ago, but X said he wants to see how things go with DS returning to school. Not sure what that means as he has gone to school and done an activity in the past, so I think he can handle 5 days of a school and 2 days of a sport….🤔

Does the school have activities for 5th grade?  Those are the easiest as they're typically right after school so no extra shuttling and cheap.  I think ours is doing soccer now 2-3 days a week for that age and it's like $25 for the 4 or 5 weeks they meet. 

[MJ2.0]

Sept 17, 2021 11:03:32 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Sept 17, 2021 10:41:11 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

So far he has broken his arm (falling from monkey bars in Kindy) and collarbone (schools recess scuffle in 2nd grade). X was like this before those incidents though. I think it started as a money issue (some of these extracurriculars are pricy and neither of us could afford much at that time), and then all he would say is “I have concerns about (DS) doing that activity”. I want DS to learn martial arts as I believe it will help him have more confidence and body awareness but X blocked that. DS wants to do basketball and I brought that up a few weeks ago, but X said he wants to see how things go with DS returning to school. Not sure what that means as he has gone to school and done an activity in the past, so I think he can handle 5 days of a school and 2 days of a sport….🤔

Does the school have activities for 5th grade?  Those are the easiest as they're typically right after school so no extra shuttling and cheap.  I think ours is doing soccer now 2-3 days a week for that age and it's like $25 for the 4 or 5 weeks they meet. 

$25 is not a price range that exists here….🤣

The school does offer activities after school, but IIRC they are between $130-150 for the 6-8 week session.

[minnesotapaintlady]

Sept 17, 2021 11:12:44 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Sept 17, 2021 11:03:32 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Does the school have activities for 5th grade?  Those are the easiest as they're typically right after school so no extra shuttling and cheap.  I think ours is doing soccer now 2-3 days a week for that age and it's like $25 for the 4 or 5 weeks they meet. 

$25 is not a price range that exists here….🤣

The school does offer activities after school, but IIRC they are between $130-150 for the 6-8 week session.

Even for the school sports?  That's weird.  They've always been really cheap here.  They sent out an email today that the weight room would be open for an hour after school every day and open to 5th and 6th grade on MW and 7th and 8th on TR.  There would be instructors there to help them make sure they were using all the equipment correctly.  Completely free.

Now club sports.  Those are spendy.

[Lizard Queen]

Sept 17, 2021 11:22:48 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Sept 17, 2021 11:12:44 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

$25 is not a price range that exists here….🤣

The school does offer activities after school, but IIRC they are between $130-150 for the 6-8 week session.

Even for the school sports?  That's weird.  They've always been really cheap here.  They sent out an email today that the weight room would be open for an hour after school every day and open to 5th and 6th grade on MW and 7th and 8th on TR.  There would be instructors there to help them make sure they were using all the equipment correctly.  Completely free.

Now club sports.  Those are spendy.

Sounds like you've got lots of options there that are cheaper than anywhere else. 

Here, we've got club soccer and little league options for around $60 or so,  which I don't think is too bad. There's also a higher league for  hundreds/year.  Basketball,  I think was about $50.  That's more of a winter thing here.  I've got my 8 yo in a after-school running program for $45.  MM is in cross-country  this year, which is free but doesn't start until 6th grade. I think volleyball was another option. 

[raeoflyte]

Sept 17, 2021 10:41:11 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Sept 17, 2021 9:42:02 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Why does he not want him to be in sports? Does he think he's too fragile? I think this is the kid that broke a collarbone or something similar quite a while back, but I may be mistaken. Is that the basis for no sports?

So far he has broken his arm (falling from monkey bars in Kindy) and collarbone (schools recess scuffle in 2nd grade). X was like this before those incidents though. I think it started as a money issue (some of these extracurriculars are pricy and neither of us could afford much at that time), and then all he would say is “I have concerns about (DS) doing that activity”. I want DS to learn martial arts as I believe it will help him have more confidence and body awareness but X blocked that. DS wants to do basketball and I brought that up a few weeks ago, but X said he wants to see how things go with DS returning to school. Not sure what that means as he has gone to school and done an activity in the past, so I think he can handle 5 days of a school and 2 days of a sport….🤔

Not entirely related, but do you both go to the adhd appointments and if so, can they lean heavier on the exercise piece? Are there activities that you can sign him up for just for your days, and does ex still have to approve those? I'm thinking our dojo has classes everyday, and you can go to whichever classes you want to, so it could change with your schedule.

Is mediation the next step if the items above don't work? I'd be pretty pissed dealing with ex that can't be bothered to even articulate a reasonable no.

[MJ2.0]

Sept 17, 2021 13:08:02 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Sept 17, 2021 10:41:11 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

So far he has broken his arm (falling from monkey bars in Kindy) and collarbone (schools recess scuffle in 2nd grade). X was like this before those incidents though. I think it started as a money issue (some of these extracurriculars are pricy and neither of us could afford much at that time), and then all he would say is “I have concerns about (DS) doing that activity”. I want DS to learn martial arts as I believe it will help him have more confidence and body awareness but X blocked that. DS wants to do basketball and I brought that up a few weeks ago, but X said he wants to see how things go with DS returning to school. Not sure what that means as he has gone to school and done an activity in the past, so I think he can handle 5 days of a school and 2 days of a sport….🤔

Not entirely related, but do you both go to the adhd appointments and if so, can they lean heavier on the exercise piece? Are there activities that you can sign him up for just for your days, and does ex still have to approve those? I'm thinking our dojo has classes everyday, and you can go to whichever classes you want to, so it could change with your schedule.

Is mediation the next step if the items above don't work? I'd be pretty pissed dealing with ex that can't be bothered to even articulate a reasonable no.

So right now he hasn’t seen the therapist in person for over a year and a half due to Covid. The therapist is older with some health problems, so I’m not sure when DS will start back up again. I’ve already asked X if we need to move to a different therapist because I don’t think DS should go this long without speaking to one.
In the “before times”, when we did go the therapist mentioned pretty much every single session that DS needed to be in some sort of physical activity. And every time after the session X and I would talk about it. I would keep coming up with different options, and he would either be silent or immediately give a bad excuse as to why it wouldn’t be a good idea (transportation, cost, he “didn’t like” or know anything about the organization, etc). Believe me, we have had many discussions about DS’s activity levels, the amount of social interaction he needs or should have, and a bunch of other things… and we make little or no progress. X doesn’t seem to understand or care that DS is not like him in that he doesn’t want or need to be holed up alone at home in front of a screen.

I feel like mediation is the only option I have left at this point. Conversations don’t seem to do anything, and he knows what to say to get me upset and once it’s at that stage nothing I say is going to be taken seriously.

[MJ2.0]

And yes we do both need to sign off on activities, especially if there is a cost involved as we need to split it.

[raeoflyte]

I'd lose my mind trying to deal with that. I hope you can get some forward progress.