CCL
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Post by CCL on May 25, 2021 17:37:31 GMT -5
The issue I see is the possibility of your DH winding up in a nursing home for years, eating up all the left over money. I suggest getting a really good estate planner. An ex coworker of mine had her hands tied with a mother who lingered long after getting a brain tumor, and a deceased father who locked up family assets in trusts, messing up options for keeping family home/very small nonworking farm, and having her mother go into a nursing home. That's the gist I got of the story, anyway. All I know is to be careful with that stuff. What I would look into for now, is start gifting your son some of his inheritance every year--$15k or $30k, until he's got the principal or you pass. Then work around that for the rest. Maybe put an equal amount in a different, joint account for you and your DH, setting up the inheritance rules differently for that account. I've got to get back to work in a minute here, but I'll think about it and try to flesh out this idea a bit more later. This is what I would do. Start giving son a portion yearly. Then I'd look into life insurance to help out DH once you are gone. Maybe I missed it, but what's the plan for you if DH passed first?
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ajmom
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Post by ajmom on May 26, 2021 19:02:36 GMT -5
My Dad used to say we were lucky as he had no money to leave us for an inheritance, as he saw so many families fight over their inheritance. Maybe I misunderstood, but hubby number 2 seems well in place for his retirement if you have 3 or 4 million over what you came into the marriage with? So I’m not sure why you are worried about, but of course, it’s up to you.
I saw money rip apart my mother in laws family apart. . She used it as a weapon, even when she was dead. She had to have known what would happen that she favored one child over the others. I saw the favored child campaign for more of the inheritance — because she was “single”. But she also chose to work very very little for years, probably knowing she would be the one to get the house and an extra 401k. She got the bulk of the money and then lied that she didn’t know it would happen (she certainly did, and I think Ishe even lined up the lawyer, conveniently, for her mother.
Please don’t be like this family. If you are going to leave your son out, then have a good heart to heart with him, leave him a nice letter. I saw my BIL (who wasn’t a nice guy either, but still) in tears because he did equate money with his mother‘s love. They still talk about it to this day, and the “favored” child acts that it is a mystery that the extended family (word does get around) no longer speaks to her. So here she is living in her moms house, near family, and no one but my ex had anything to do with her. All for about $300k. Sad.
So — if you are not going to leave much money to your son, at least be up front about it. Don’t let it be a horrible surprise.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on May 26, 2021 20:28:30 GMT -5
My uncle left his money to the siblings, nieces and nephews he felt deserved it. We know one part of his criteria was some kind of morality test.
His favorite great niece was due to receive a nice sum of money from him. Shortly before he died, he found out she was 16, pregnant and not married. He changed his will to leave her out.
My dad was not included but he had mowed his lawn during his final years and been told "you are taken care of in my will". I was left out but my sister wasn't. Until dementia hit, my dad brought this up often.
The same thing happened in several families.
There was a meeting that I attended with several of the people who were left out because the final changes were made after his terminal diagnosis. Ultimately, we decided that it would tear the family further apart to contest the will. One of my uncles had talked to a probate attorney who said we had about a 75% chance of winning, but it would eat up a lot of what was in the estate. I have not forgotten. Some cousins were not told because their parents were deceased.
I don't know if I'd like to know what I didn't do correctly, but I do think people should be informed--especially a child.
A dear friend did not know she was going to inherit the home in the mountains of Colorado by herself until the will was read. Her father had written a long letter to her brother explaining the reason for leaving the house to her alone. It was because she always loved the house and had always come to visit and stayed in it. She had been caring for it after he moved to assisted living. The brother always said he hated the house. He was left another house because his dad knew he would sell it and those proceeds were his alone. Everything else was divided equally.
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haapai
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Post by haapai on May 27, 2021 4:35:40 GMT -5
jitterbug I keep re-reading your original post and I think that enough time has passed that I can say some things that I was unwilling to say earlier. Or perhaps I have become incautious and am speaking recklessly. Your mother in law recently died and it seems likely that she was the only other person who knew your first husband well. I say this because it appears that she was widowed, your husband was an only child, and your child may have been too young to remember much about his father.
This is heavy stuff. It's not nice to be the only person who remembers someone well.
It also appears that the amount of money that your first husband's mother (I refuse to call her your former MIL) has left your child is much more life-changing than the amount that he will inherit from you under any circumstances. This is good news for your son but it kinda erases you. All of the the things that you did after your first husband died, including managing the proceeds of his life insurance well, are just sorta dwarfed by this bequest and its timing.
It can't help a bit that your first husband's mom may be one of the only people who remembers how well you handled his unexpected death.
Finally, there's the take-care-of-yourself-babe angle. I'm a big fan of married women keeping money separate from their husbands and not co-mingling it. My great grandmother who was married to my great grandfather for over 70 years, kept all of her pre-marital earnings and inheritances separate from him and managed them very well. (He was quite proud of her success and encouraged it.) I recently received an inheritance that has a lot to do with her asset management but I don't think that she kept her money separate just so that I would leave flowers on her grave. She kept the money separate to protect herself in case the husband died or turned mean or lost his mind.
There are plenty of good reasons for you to keep your pre-marital assets separate from your husband and you do not need to apologize for them. You do not need to use leaving your son his dad's legacy as a reason. There are plenty of other reasons for doing so.
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haapai
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Post by haapai on May 27, 2021 12:26:50 GMT -5
I've also been wondering what you meant in this phrase of the OP.
Our total net worth is now 3-4 times what my son will get when I die - but we are basing our upcoming retirement on all of the money, as we are counting on the low end of the earnings spectrum.
I originally thought that this meant that you were using low (conservative) estimates of rates of return on your assets. That is, estimating four to seven percent annual rates of return instead of something higher. But it is also possible that you are saying that your income from work is expected to be quite low. The second possibility implies that your ability to add further contributions to this pile is quite limited.
I wish that I knew what you were trying to say.
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jitterbug
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Post by jitterbug on May 28, 2021 11:24:16 GMT -5
I've also been wondering what you meant in this phrase of the OP.
Our total net worth is now 3-4 times what my son will get when I die - but we are basing our upcoming retirement on all of the money, as we are counting on the low end of the earnings spectrum.
I originally thought that this meant that you were using low (conservative) estimates of rates of return on your assets. That is, estimating four to seven percent annual rates of return instead of something higher. But it is also possible that you are saying that your income from work is expected to be quite low. The second possibility implies that your ability to add further contributions to this pile is quite limited.
I wish that I knew what you were trying to say.
I appreciate your thoughtful response in the message above this one.
We are using conservative rates of return in our retirement planning - INCLUDING the money that came from my first husband. If we estimated getting a 10% return of just our joint money, we're great. But if we're estimating a 2-4% return, to be safe - we need to include the income off the inheritance money. And if we just need to keep food on the table and lights on in the house - we're golden in all scenarios. The unknown factor is how much FUN money we'll actually have!
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on May 28, 2021 11:59:47 GMT -5
I appreciate your thoughtful response in the message above this one.
We are using conservative rates of return in our retirement planning - INCLUDING the money that came from my first husband. If we estimated getting a 10% return of just our joint money, we're great. But if we're estimating a 2-4% return, to be safe - we need to include the income off the inheritance money. And if we just need to keep food on the table and lights on in the house - we're golden in all scenarios. The unknown factor is how much FUN money we'll actually have!
I may have asked this earlier. Why not take out a life insurance policy in the amount of the inheritance money with your husband as the beneficiary? That way, your son will receive the money provided by his father and your 2nd husband will have access to the same amount of retirement funds.
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