Does someone needs a father?

[TheHaitian]

I am willing to give my biological one up for adoption!

So now that the past 8 hours of headwind and roller coaster emotions has passed I guess I can post. I think I posted last year when he suffered a stroke, well yesterday he was admitted to the hospital again.

He passed out while at work, the rushed him to the closest hospital (he is out of town in assignments - in the country) and it seems he did not take his medication or has not been taking them. His blood pressure was crazy high and at first he was unresponsive to anything they did.

I had already accepted he was dead, personally, and making plans. I have a cousin heading to Haiti on the 27th and got her flight information so I could go with her , fully prepared to go make funeral arrangements and be done.

He came back just a little after 1 AM and I got the call. He is not out of the woods yet but they are monitoring him. My uncle in Haiti was going to try to find an ambulance to transport him from that hospital To one in Port-au-Prince (the capital) but the Dr there argued he is too unstable and to leave him there.

The younger siblings that are in Haiti are no longer leaving at the crack of dawn to go to that hospital and guess I am not flying to Haiti on the 27th. He needs to decide if he is going to meet his maker or if he is staying; this annual scare is getting old. You are freaking 66; take your god damn medications old man!

[Rukh O'Rorke]

Oh my gosh! So sorry to hear this.

Did he have another stroke?

Wishing for the best.

[Opti]

People screw up and it gets easier to do the older you get, so remember this post when you are 66. You are obviously conflicted, but there are people on the opposite side who will do almost anything to convince their loved one to stay on the planet. 

[buystoys]

Sorry you have to deal with this during the holiday season, Carl.  Prayers that things work out positively for you and your family.

[mamasita99]

2020, the year that doesn’t want to end... is this a “stubborn old man” thing, or an age related forgetting to take meds issue? Because you could look for different reminder systems that can help him remember and keep track of his meds, my mom uses something to help.
If it’s a stubborn old man thing, idk Sorry you have this on your plate now.

[Deleted]

So- why isn't he taking his meds, do you know?

As DH's health was failing, he was on multiple meds and I'd find a green pill lying around here, a white pill there... and he never could remember if that was one he was supposed to take that day or the previous day. I finally gathered all his pill bottles, made up a schedule and gave him the appropriate ones at 3 different times in the day, depending on each prescription. I think he was just getting forgetful.

This really isn't a good time to fly, anyway. I hope you can get a refund or a credit for whatever you paid for the flight.

[Deleted]

I have a days/times container for my meds. Morning, noon, afternoon, bedtime. On Sundays I put the meds for the week in their appropriate slots and close the tab for that slot. After taking them, I leave the tab up showing the empty slots so that I know I've taken them.

Think it came from Walmart years ago. 

[jerseygirl]

Husband takes multiple meds during the day. He has Exact care which packages the meds for each day and time of day. in individual little packs. Also takes care of ordering any needed refills from doctors and sending a single bill snd insurance.
Think Amazon just started this type of service

[TheHaitian]

Dec 22, 2020 5:13:23 GMT -5 Rukh O'Rorke said:

Oh my gosh! So sorry to hear this.

Did he have another stroke?

Wishing for the best.

It seems he did have another one and was in a comma till early this morning.

He is somewhat conscious now and breathing... so guess that is a good start!

[TheHaitian]

Dec 22, 2020 7:09:59 GMT -5 Opti said:

but there are people on the opposite side who will do almost anything to convince their loved one to stay on the planet. 

Do they remember running outside at 2 yelling for help while such loved ones beat the crap out of their mother?

Were they physically , emotionally and mentally abused by said loved ones?

Did such person turn a blind eye while their ex-wife mistreated their child?

If the answer is yes, much respect to them. The only reason my biological father aka sperm donor and I even have a semblance of a relationship is out of respect and love for my mother.

Personally, and God may punish me for this, he is just an obligation as of right now... I have long accepted I did not have a father and been to my daughter the father I wished I had growing up.

[Opti]

Dec 22, 2020 17:08:35 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Dec 22, 2020 7:09:59 GMT -5 Opti said:

but there are people on the opposite side who will do almost anything to convince their loved one to stay on the planet. 

Do they remember running outside at 2 yelling for help while such loved ones beat the crap out of their mother?

Were they physically , emotionally and mentally abused by said loved ones?

Did such person turn a blind eye while their ex-wife mistreated their child?

If the answer is yes, much respect to them. The only reason my biological father aka sperm donor and I even have a semblance of a relationship is out of respect and love for my mother.

Personally, and God may punish me for this, he is just an obligation as of right now... I have long accepted I did not have a father and been to my daughter the father I wished I had growing up.

Carl, I know the history, its more the die already thing given what's going on at my workplace. Its his death, not yours. He can do it any bloody way he wants to. Luckily I don't know about such things except I have at least two friends who were raped when they were young by their father. One saw him on his death bed and one did not.

Unless you are the executor of his will, I do not see why you have to choose him as one of your obligations. Let him go. Let Mom and other people's opinions of what you should do go. Do what you are willing to do, whatever that is.

[Deleted]

Dec 22, 2020 17:08:35 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Dec 22, 2020 7:09:59 GMT -5 Opti said:

but there are people on the opposite side who will do almost anything to convince their loved one to stay on the planet. 

Do they remember running outside at 2 yelling for help while such loved ones beat the crap out of their mother?

Were they physically , emotionally and mentally abused by said loved ones?

Did such person turn a blind eye while their ex-wife mistreated their child?

If the answer is yes, much respect to them. The only reason my biological father aka sperm donor and I even have a semblance of a relationship is out of respect and love for my mother.

Personally, and God may punish me for this, he is just an obligation as of right now... I have long accepted I did not have a father and been to my daughter the father I wished I had growing up.

Given all that, you’re doing good to be willing to spend any energy on him, even if it’s only thoughts.

Given all that, you would also be doing good if you weren’t willing to spend any energy on him, including thoughts.

[irishpad]

Carl, the fact that you were willing to fly down during this time shows that you have a generous and forgiving heart, even if it the situation frustrates you.  

As far as taking the medications, I've know families where the children take turns calling their parents daily to remind them to take their medications.  As has been said, sometimes the elderly actually do forget even when they have a clearly marked pill box.  Hell, I'm 58 and I forget at times too!  

[justme]

Dec 22, 2020 10:29:38 GMT -5 jerseygirl said:

Husband takes multiple meds during the day. He has Exact care which packages the meds for each day and time of day. in individual little packs. Also takes care of ordering any needed refills from doctors and sending a single bill snd insurance.
Think Amazon just started this type of service

I'd like to do this but my insurance requires all daily meds to be filled by their mail in if you want it covered. So annoying. I'm not a morning person and I have to take some of my pills on an empty stomach so it's right when I wake up - my brain often blanks out before I'm fully awake and I can't remember if I took em.

[laterbloomer]

Dec 22, 2020 17:08:35 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Dec 22, 2020 7:09:59 GMT -5 Opti said:

but there are people on the opposite side who will do almost anything to convince their loved one to stay on the planet. 

Do they remember running outside at 2 yelling for help while such loved ones beat the crap out of their mother?

Were they physically , emotionally and mentally abused by said loved ones?

Did such person turn a blind eye while their ex-wife mistreated their child?

If the answer is yes, much respect to them. The only reason my biological father aka sperm donor and I even have a semblance of a relationship is out of respect and love for my mother.

Personally, and God may punish me for this, he is just an obligation as of right now... I have long accepted I did not have a father and been to my daughter the father I wished I had growing up.

So this is a real buyer beware situation   (referring to the thread title) (and yes, I have a very dark sense of humour)

[Deleted]

Carl, I'd understand if you no longer even considered him an obligation. DS had similar issues, but less severe; our home was a war zone with my Ex constantly criticizing, controlling, putting down, etc. He was an alcoholic and unemployed the last 5 years of the marriage. We divorced when DS was 12. The Ex would not agree to any requirement that he pay child support.

My SIL (The ex's sister) is extremely wealthy and could have supported her brother in the splendid manner to which he was accustomed without it making a dent in her budget. She didn't. He lived off of social programs and died at age 64.

Only you can decide how much contact to have with your father and whether you have any "obligation" to help him or visit him, but there are good reasons people sometimes cut off contact with close family members.

[TheHaitian]

He is awake and has been released today from what I understand. My younger brother talked to him, I did not care to have a conversation.

I did send money to cover the hospital bill, medications and food.

I guess I am in a really weird place because when I told my cousin he was out of it she said: you sound disappointed he is not dead.

Look my father has 7 kids that I know off, all 7 of us hates his guts. This is a man that should never have been allowed to raise children and we have been gaslighted all our lives to accept it because he did not know any better because he was never shown affection as a kid.

Then DO better, be better... I would never want my daughter to go through 0.01% of what I went through as a kid and let alone use the pathetic excuses is because I was not shown better. I was not shown better but I knew I deserved better and so does my daughter.

So he is alive, glad for him that he is. May he use the days he has left and been blessed with wisely; I wish him well.

[Rukh O'Rorke]

it's a tough situation. Focus on your own family for the holidays.

[NancysSummerSip]

Dec 23, 2020 16:17:00 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

He is awake and has been released today from what I understand. My younger brother talked to him, I did not care to have a conversation.

I did send money to cover the hospital bill, medications and food.

I guess I am in a really weird place because when I told my cousin he was out of it she said: you sound disappointed he is not dead.

Look my father has 7 kids that I know off, all 7 of us hates his guts. This is a man that should never have been allowed to raise children and we have been gaslighted all our lives to accept it because he did not know any better because he was never shown affection as a kid.

Then DO better, be better... I would never want my daughter to go through 0.01% of what I went through as a kid and let alone use the pathetic excuses is because I was not shown better. I was not shown better but I knew I deserved better and so does my daughter.

So he is alive, glad for him that he is. May he use the days he has left and been blessed with wisely; I wish him well.

As bad as he was, you got something out of it -- you learned to be a better man, husband and father. Your kid won't suffer because you know what your dad did. A harsh lesson, I'll grant you. But you broke the cycle for yourself. At this point, I don't think he can unlearn what he knows. You were gracious to send the money; you don't owe him anything else. There is a vast difference between a father and a sperm donor. He's content (or just plain unable or unwilling) to move forward from making babies to being an example to the babies he made.

[crazycat]

Carl , you’re a much better person than I am . I would have written him off by now if he was my father . ❤️🙏🏻

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

You recognize the pattern and are choosing to break it with your daughter.  That is the first step.  My dad went through something similar (something else I discovered from his letters).  Like you, he recognized and broke the pattern.  

Do what you can live with.  At the end of the day, that is all you can do.  No one will think less of you.

[Deleted]

Dec 24, 2020 21:01:12 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Do what you can live with.  At the end of the day, that is all you can do.  No one will think less of you.

And one other thought from a mother who raised a son with an abusive former husband:  my Ex died 10 years ago but I'd be upset if he was spending lo lot of his hard-earned money propping up his father.  DS works hard and has a family to support.  And so do you.