Keeping "home" for older kids (long post!)

[mamasita99]

I'm looking for advice on how to approach things next year. I have an DD21 who rents an apartment with roommates close to work and school. I also have a DD17 who just got accepted with early decision for college out of state next year. I have a SO whom I met here in the United States. She is a citizen of another country and has been here on government assignment. We are documented partners, filed with her country, in the sense that in her country our relationship is equal to that of marriage.  So it's serious. She was able to extend her assignment here one extra year because my younger DD needs to graduate high school and get situated in college. 

Although her relocating to the US would be an option down the road, right now it looks like SO needs to go back to her country for 2-3 years before we can make a permanent life here in the states, with her being able to get a professional job in her field. As her documented partner, I was planning to move with her to her country, and come back to the states at least 2x/ year for extended visits of 3-4 weeks at a time. I am planning on working part time remotely for the flexibility.

I have 2 homes that are currently being rented. One of them is a one bedroom condo a few hours from where I currently live, that is inexpensive enough that I can keep it vacant and just pay the mortgage out of pocket. I was thinking of keeping that place vacant so the kids and I have somewhere to call "home" during school breaks when I visit. My parents live in the same town as my little condo, so we'd also be able to spend time with them. Plus it's a place to hang in the summer months as it is on the bay. 

I don't know what else to do. The girls have their dad, but he lives in another state and they've never lived there with him. My brother lives in the same town where my younger DD will be going to school, so she will have family nearby while attending university.  I will happily fly them to see us, as well, but they may have other plans for their breaks. Do I keep the little place for our use? Should I rent it out like normal, and just do an Airbnb for breaks? Do I just give myself the "crappy mom" stamp on my forehead? If it turns out me going there for 2 years will traumatize the "kids" then SO and I will figure something else out, but this would put us in a better position financially for making a permanent home in 2-3 years. 

[swamp]

keep the condo and go enjoy yourself. 

[mamasita99]

Dec 21, 2020 11:55:38 GMT -5 swamp said:

keep the condo and go enjoy yourself. 

Oh swamp, I love you.

[Lizard Queen]

Sounds like keeping the condo for a home base is a good plan.

[jerseygirl]

Keep the condo only

[anciana]

Dec 21, 2020 11:55:38 GMT -5 swamp said:

keep the condo and go enjoy yourself. 

if you can afford it, at least during the first 6-12 months as a transition. Afterwards you might come to a conclusion that the little condo is too small for all of you to gather and you would prefer to get an Airbnb where everyone will be able to have some space as your kids might be coming with significant others soon in the future.

[Miss Tequila]

I’m definitely different so I’m not going to answer what I would or wouldn’t do. I do recommend having a discussion with the kids, especially the youngest. How my oldest felt at 17/18 is much different than she feels now at almost 22. At 17/18 she would have been very upset. At 21, she moved out on her own. A few years makes a world of difference.

[mamasita99]

Dec 21, 2020 12:50:43 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

I’m definitely different so I’m not going to answer what I would or wouldn’t do. I do recommend having a discussion with the kids, especially the youngest. How my oldest felt at 17/18 is much different than she feels now at almost 22. At 17/18 she would have been very upset. At 21, she moved out on her own. A few years makes a world of difference.

Youngest DD (18 next Jan when this live would happen), would rather I keep a place where I am now, so she could visit her friends during breaks. But this area is too expensive for that option. We didn’t purchase here, we rented.

[Deleted]

Keep the condo.

[buystoys]

I agree with the others:  keep the condo.  At least for now.  You and your SO will probably be moving back in 2-3 years according to your plans, so you'll have a base place to begin in the U.S. again.

[Tiny]

Without having read any of the other responses:  I vote to keep the condo for you and your families use.    It sounds like a good plan.   Of course you can always see how things play out - and change your mind (rent the condo - and then short term rent an airbnb for family get togethers). 

I don't have kids - but I have friends/relatives who are newly empty nesters or who soon will be (with in a year or two).  Their kids have all mostly moved away (or are finishing a final year away at college with plans to more or less NOT return "home" to look for work near said "home". )   

What you outline looks alot like how the friends/relatives "where home is" looks.   The parents are only there some of the time (as they themselves are doing a kind of moving between two "homes" as they try to figure out what/where they want to live once they are truly empty nesters) and the kids are living/working in other areas of the US.   

Two of my friends families - have had "Christmas" at a centrally located airbnb that they rented for two weeks - they've done that for the last 3 years.   Both families have "home" here - but the kids are far flung (and the parents are considering moving as well - one just put in a bid on house that isn't anywhere near their kids  as a matter of fact   )     I think the "having Christmas somewhere else" was a way to start changing the tradition and to try out different kinds of "houses" and condos and areas (while figuring out what they really wanted to do once the nest was empty). 

I don't think your  kids will be traumatized.   It's all about relationships and not the physical place where the holidays/get togethers happen.    

[stillmovingforward]

At 17-19, your youngest DD is too immature to make a reasonable decision. Which is why she thinks keeping your current house so she can see her friends is a good idea. Do what works for YOU! Keeping the condo is a wonderful idea for everyone for a start. Make sure they realize that you providing this as housing is for the family, not their personal use. Otherwise, you may find it taken over for when you want to use it (stake out your room and don't give in to someone else using it).
How do I know this? I have a DD2 who just turned 22. She's moving out of the selfish age and admits it. And I've raised a lot of kids through the teenage years!

[Anne_in_VA]

I agree with the other posters, keep the condo.  This will give you a “home” base here in the U.S. and in a few years when you and your SO move back here you will have a place to live until you decide if you want to stay there or move someplace else.  Your kids will adjust to the “new normal” after a period of adjustment.

[NastyWoman]

Dec 21, 2020 11:55:38 GMT -5 swamp said:

keep the condo and go enjoy yourself. 

[mamasita99]

Dec 21, 2020 13:56:21 GMT -5 stillmovingforward said:

At 17-19, your youngest DD is too immature to make a reasonable decision. Which is why she thinks keeping your current house so she can see her friends is a good idea. Do what works for YOU! Keeping the condo is a wonderful idea for everyone for a start. Make sure they realize that you providing this as housing is for the family, not their personal use. Otherwise, you may find it taken over for when you want to use it (stake out your room and don't give in to someone else using it).
How do I know this? I have a DD2 who just turned 22. She's moving out of the selfish age and admits it. And I've raised a lot of kids through the teenage years!

Looking forward to the other side of the teen years!

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Tricky because parenting teenagers--for me--is a lot harder than parenting little kids. 

We moved when DS#1 was 19. He was at college. DH wanted to move; he got different job to do so. I was okay with it, and DS#2, DD#1, and DD #2 weren't really given a choice; we all went. DS#1 was ticked. He did manage to get over it after about a year. 

We planned a lot of housing around DS#2 when he was ages 17 - 22; in some ways that was the wrong move because it enabled him to refuse to launch. 

We've stayed in the same house for the last eight years. DD#2 is now 18 and in the middle of her second year away at college but is in her junior year of college. Because of her age, I would ensure she still had housing. We did that for every kid, and I just wouldn't cut her off. Of course, I don't have to financially. Now, because she's the youngest, that doesn't mean I'm going to arrange our housing around her. 

Other thoughts: If i were planning on being in the area in which I already had a condo for several weeks of the year, I'd probably keep that condo. It seems like that would be cheaper than paying for other housing when you are in the area.

My parents paid for a portion of my sister's rent while she was working on her master's degree in Chicago. That portion of the rent enabled her to rent a two-bedroom apartment instead of a studio or a one-bedroom. The deal was that my parents got access to that bedroom anytime they wanted. 

I do think putting your relationship with your spouse with at least equal if not primary consideration is important. I don't know that I'd have said that much more than a year ago. I've always put parenting first. But now, DH and I have mostly launched four children. Turns out we get to hang out together now. 

I do like the condo option. Good luck with all of it. 

[TheHaitian]

Dec 21, 2020 11:55:38 GMT -5 swamp said:

keep the condo and go enjoy yourself. 

I am late to this but 100% agree with swamp!

[debthaven]

I agree about the condo. It's great to have a base, especially with your parents nearby. And it's great that your younger DD will have her uncle nearby.

My only reservation is that as we have seen recently, travel has been greatly curtailed with covid. So you/your kids may not be able to travel to/from where you'll be living as easily as you hope. Hopefully that will change by the time your DD starts college. 

Good luck!

[alabamagal]

We moved away from the house my kids grew up in when my youngest was in college. He was upset about it, but got over it. When we moved (about 4 hours away) my oldest 2 had already moved out, and they also didn’t really have any friends from high school that they kept in touch with anyway. Youngest had several friends from his hometown (one was even roommate last 2 years in college). He went back a few times and visited BFF and stayed with his family.

It was awkward when youngest came to stay with us for 2 summers. He would stay in a guest room, rather than his room. He got a temp job, but would always kind of mope around and complain that he didn’t know anyone in the city we lived in. But he was late teens and kind of mopey anyway. He was fortunate to have a job lined up after college and moved to a city 2 hours from us, and has moved on well.

[mamasita99]

Dec 22, 2020 5:30:16 GMT -5 alabamagal said:

We moved away from the house my kids grew up in when my youngest was in college. He was upset about it, but got over it. When we moved (about 4 hours away) my oldest 2 had already moved out, and they also didn’t really have any friends from high school that they kept in touch with anyway. Youngest had several friends from his hometown (one was even roommate last 2 years in college). He went back a few times and visited BFF and stayed with his family.

It was awkward when youngest came to stay with us for 2 summers. He would stay in a guest room, rather than his room. He got a temp job, but would always kind of mope around and complain that he didn’t know anyone in the city we lived in. But he was late teens and kind of mopey anyway. He was fortunate to have a job lined up after college and moved to a city 2 hours from us, and has moved on well.

The city with the condo is more “home” to me than them, even though they lived in this city when they were younger. So I can see the youngest complain about that. But right now I am renting in the area where she goes to high school, so it’s not like I’m selling off the family farm or anything. At this point older DD plans to stay in the area and continue with work/school, so youngest could always bunk with her when she wants to visit.

[stillmovingforward]

That's a great attitude! Truly!

[TheOtherMe]

As far as I was concerned, my childhood home was no longer home when my bedroom was turned in to a dining room.  I know stayed in my sister's bedroom which was now called the guest room.

It was always her bedroom to me.  

When they sold it, I no longer had that emotional attachment to the house.  It had changed too much from the house I grew up in.

[Works4me]

Dec 22, 2020 10:04:21 GMT -5 mamasita99 said:

Dec 22, 2020 5:30:16 GMT -5 alabamagal said:

We moved away from the house my kids grew up in when my youngest was in college. He was upset about it, but got over it. When we moved (about 4 hours away) my oldest 2 had already moved out, and they also didn’t really have any friends from high school that they kept in touch with anyway. Youngest had several friends from his hometown (one was even roommate last 2 years in college). He went back a few times and visited BFF and stayed with his family.

It was awkward when youngest came to stay with us for 2 summers. He would stay in a guest room, rather than his room. He got a temp job, but would always kind of mope around and complain that he didn’t know anyone in the city we lived in. But he was late teens and kind of mopey anyway. He was fortunate to have a job lined up after college and moved to a city 2 hours from us, and has moved on well.

The city with the condo is more “home” to me than them, even though they lived in this city when they were younger. So I can see the youngest complain about that. But right now I am renting in the area where she goes to high school, so it’s not like I’m selling off the family farm or anything. At this point older DD plans to stay in the area and continue with work/school, so youngest could always bunk with her when she wants to visit.

That sounds ideal as it will allow her to see her sister and HS friends at the same time. In addition to immaturity, at her age she has yet to realize that she will lose touch with most of her HS friends in the next few years.

For all the reasons listed above, I like your plan to keep the small condo as a home base in the US. It gives you so many options for the future.

Good luck and have fun living overseas.