Should I care?

[tractor]

Part of me does, but more and more of me doesn’t...let me explain. For those of you who followed my building project two years ago, you know that my dad (77-years old), moved in with us. He has his own place, and I check in with him daily. I have also become painfully aware that he has no money and is dependent upon me to pay all utilities, his cell phone bill, etc. it hasn’t been much of a burden yet (@ $300/month), but with everything going on, and his refusal to stay home it’s starting to wear on me.

I’ve told him several times he needs to stop going into town and roaming the stores just because he’s bored. He hasn’t listened. He has a girl friend that lives in major city one hour away, he still drives down to see her, and today, she decided to drive up and see him. He’s a prime target for Covid-19, and will likely die from it. I’m beginning to think that he really doesn’t care, and I’m starting to feel the same way. If he dies, he dies, I get a chunk of my life back, and eliminate one of my excess bills...

Just venting, although I’ve been grieving about this for some time, so much so that I’ve lost any emotional connection to it...

[mollyanna58]

Yes, you should care, but you can't do much about it unless you padlock him inside. 

Wear a mask near him and his GF.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

You can’t control what he does, but you CAN control what you do.  Please protect yourself as much as you can.  His roaming around is increasing your risk too.

[Deleted]

I understand. My Dad is 89- totally different situation. He's in Independent Living, but pretty much confined to his apartment with meals delivered- social activities and dining room shut down to prevent anyone getting infected although I'm unaware of any reported cases there. He's failing in general although he doesn't have any specific health issues. Most of our body parts just weren't meant to last that long.

Mom died in late 2016. Dad has led a good, full life. If COVID-19 takes him, well, it beats a lot of other ways to leave this world. His brother died a couple of years ago about 10 years after being diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

I think we are all drowning in all kinds of grief at the moment.  At some point, we disconnect because we can't take on any more pain.  Deep down, you know you do still care.  But, you can't control him.  And he may be in denial as a way to cope with it all.  It will be hard to do, but bar him from inside your house.  Check in with him daily -- but outside.  Cut yourself some slack.  There is no manual or playbook or life experience for any of this.

[vonna]

No words of wisdom, but sending you well wishes and strength . . .

Obviously, you do care!

I hope your dad "gets it" before he gets it . . .

[giramomma]

I think you take the risks you are comfortable with.

I work at my inlaws house. They are 75. I come here to work, because we know I'm healthy and because I'm a safer risk than my children are to them.

Me trying to work at home with four kids 2-15 just can't happen. I'm the breadwinner. I need to stay productive to prove my "worth"  because the shit's going to hit the fan at work. And we can't afford for me to get laid off right now, or ever, really.

My inlaws go grocery shopping. They took a drive last week to a bakery about 45 minutes away. They were out of their car on that trip, for 5 minutes.

I adore them and love them to pieces. I would never want them dead. But, at the same time, they are adults and can make their own decisions about the levels of risk that are acceptable to them.

MIL and I were talking this morning, and she was like "Gira, we're ALL going to get it, eventually."

They are pretty matter of fact about their lives. They had their funerals all planned out 10 years or so ago.  I think that they will accept when their time is up as just another stage...no bargaining, no nothing. Because that's how they are.

[weltschmerz]

Apr 6, 2020 11:21:59 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

Yes, you should care, but you can't do much about it unless you padlock him inside. 

Wear a mask near him and his GF.

A mask will not protect him....it only protects others from your coughs and sneezes. The dad should be wearing the mask to protect Tractor.
Masks only cover the mouth and nose. The eyes are exposed and the virus can attack the mucus membranes in your eyes.
Asymptomatic people carrying Covid 19 can breathe/sneeze/cough on the uninfected, thus spreading the disease. That's why people should wear masks.
However, it does not protect the wearer.

(Many Covid patients who come to the ER have pinkeye, evidence it got in through the eyes.)

[tractor]

Thanks for all the comments so far, it’s a struggle. I have spoken with my brothers about it and they don’t seem too concerned knowing that he’s not going to change

As one poster said, there are worse ways to die..

[hoops902]

I think you have a responsibility to make sure he understands what he's doing (he doesn't sound mentally incompetent, but he may not necessarily understand the actual risk).  "You understand that at some point you're probably going to get this, and if you do you may die?".  If the answer is "yes" then that's on him.  He's pretty likely to get it regardless, so my concern would be how full the hospitals in your area currently are.  

Maybe you can help find a cure for his boredom?  Absent that...he's old, let him do what he likes.  Lay out the consequences (i.e.  I can't come see you while you do this because it also puts me at risk), and then leave it to him to make his own decisions.

[sesfw]

Tractor .... I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this

It's lousy ...

[CCL]

Maybe you could send him down to move in with the girlfriend? Then they can take care of each other.

[happyhoix]

Apr 6, 2020 11:44:54 GMT -5 tractor said:

Thanks for all the comments so far, it’s a struggle. I have spoken with my brothers about it and they don’t seem too concerned knowing that he’s not going to change

As one poster said, there are worse ways to die..

Do you have a 'shelter in place' mandate going on where you are? Maybe he'll get stopped on one of his trips to the big city to visit his GF and the cops will scare him enough to keep him home. 

I know it's very annoying for you. Sending good thoughts your way. 

[stillmovingforward]

Have you pointed out all the ways that him getting sick will be damaging to you? You will then get it from him, you will need to care for him, you could die because you got it from him, etc. That was the wake up conversation my mother needed to keep herself at home.

[thyme4change]

I just found out my Dad (81 years old) is going out frequently. He is working a project at his church, and needs to go over often. I figure that he would rather go out working than sitting at home. He does, however, wear a mask - so that is something.

[pulmonarymd]

He is an adult, so other than caring about him because he is your father, the reason to care is by how much he puts other people at risk. So if he gets infected, how many other people he spreads it to. Th average infected person infects 2.3 others, reason why it is worse than influenza where that number is 1. Then the person he infects infects others and so on. By doing what he is doing, who does he hurt. hard question to answer, but your activities affect others. including the people working in hospitals. So yes, I think it is a concern, but you cannot control an adults behavior.

[tractor]

My brothers and I have tried to explain it to him, but like most, the concept is so foreign, it just doesn’t sink in. The other day he was trying to figure out how the navy could have a ship with so many infected. I explained to him that even if they screened everyone coming on board (which I’m sure they did), the virus has no symptoms for several days (weeks?) and by the time they were at sea it was too late.

I used this example for the reason behind the stay at home order, he just said “oh”, but hasn’t changed his routine one bit. People are starting to die around us, however, like many his age, he sees people he knows dying every couple weeks so it doesn’t phase him.

Have you ever tried talking to a wall? That’s what it’s like talking to my dad (insert stubborn old man comment here)

[pulmonarymd]

Apr 6, 2020 15:55:34 GMT -5 tractor said:

My brothers and I have tried to explain it to him, but like most, the concept is so foreign, it just doesn’t sink in. The other day he was trying to figure out how the navy could have a ship with so many infected. I explained to him that even if they screened everyone coming on board (which I’m sure they did), the virus has no symptoms for several days (weeks?) and by the time they were at sea it was too late.

I used this example for the reason behind the stay at home order, he just said “oh”, but hasn’t changed his routine one bit. People are starting to die around us, however, like many his age, he sees people he knows dying every couple weeks so it doesn’t phase him.

Have you ever tried talking to a wall? That’s what it’s like talking to my dad (insert stubborn old man comment here)

nfortunately, I have these conversations on a daily basis. Thankfully not with relatives. At some point you have to let it go and try not to be emotional about it. Tough to do. I feel your pain.

[Deleted]

Apr 6, 2020 11:26:15 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

I think we are all drowning in all kinds of grief at the moment.  At some point, we disconnect because we can't take on any more pain.  Deep down, you know you do still care.  But, you can't control him.  And he may be in denial as a way to cope with it all.  It will be hard to do, but bar him from inside your house.  Check in with him daily -- but outside.  Cut yourself some slack.  There is no manual or playbook or life experience for any of this.

Thank you GRG for some of the best words I've seen during this nightmare.  Good advice for all of us as we move forward through the days and weeks head.  [img]https://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff155/JiminiChristmas/ymamsmiles/rose.gif[/img]