How to comfort someone afraid/really worried about cv19?

[Tiny]

I think some of the older, not so healthy folks  (and younger folks with older not so healthy, family members) in my circle are becoming afraid/really worried.   As in they are going over all the things they are doing -- hand washing, sanitizing EVERYTHING, and generally going around and around and around with "worry thoughts".    

I am not the best people person and I always manage to say the wrong thing.       This isn't going to go away in a week so I'm thinking ahead to how to respond to this  in a comforting way versus my defualt of "silence in an effort to not say the wrong thing".    I'm fairly confident that we all will survive this (even though I have a deep morbid streak.)    

What are some good things to say to someone who genuinely seems to be afraid/worried about the virus - versus a person who's just being a troll.    I like to think I am  compassionate - but what I find comforting most people find terrifying.   

I could use a little help on not being scary.   

[Tennesseer]

Use a non-excited/non-worried voice and remind those who might be concerned what the medical field is telling everyone: wash your hands, avoid crowds, etc.  Tell them you will call them/check in on them periodically if they are local to make sure they are okay and have everything they need,  Not much else you can do.  

[Gardening Grandma]

Ti4ny,

I am 75 and live in a hot zone (my county has one confirmed case and 45 pending).  I am VERY concerned because although I am healthy overall and rarely get sick, when I do catch a cold or a bug, it knocks me on my ass and it takes me a long time to recover.   So, I am limiting my contact with other people; I'm prepared to go several weeks without a trip to the grocery store; I probably won't even go to my book club next week.

I have a good friend who is 10 years younger and rather blithe about it all.  She thinks it's "going to get better soon".  She is either blissfully unaware of the exponential increases in cases or just has her head in the sand.  Her seeming indifference is so upsetting to me that I'm considering limiting time with her (we usually walk our dogs together daily).  She is NOT limiting her social activities; she still goes out shopping, eating out, socializing with others as if everything is fine.  She's not worried because she gets over the flu easily.  I'm afraid she will get it and give it to me.  She does not seem to have considered that possibility; that is what is stressing me.

Here is what I wish my friend would say to me: "I'm very concerned too.  Even though I'm not in a high risk group, I'm worried that I might get infected and pass the infection to you.  I don't want to do that, so I am observing the recommended precautions as well."

Acknowledge the validity of their concern, share how you feel about it and about them, let them know they aren't alone... That's about all I can say

[azucena]

GG - it doesn't do any good for you to severely limit your outside contact but still continue to see her.  You should definitely stop seeing her for a while to protect yourself.

[Deleted]

Mar 12, 2020 10:15:36 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Use a non-excited/non-worried voice and remind those who might be concerned what the medical field is telling everyone: wash your hands, avoid crowds, etc.  Tell them you will call them/check in on them periodically if they are local to make sure they are okay and have everything they need,  Not much else you can do.  

Pretty much this.

On the other hand I'm trying to convince my 71 yo dad it isn't a good idea to fly right now and go to Disney world.  Also trying to convince my 89 yo grandfather to avoid church and morning coffee with the elder club for a while.

Both are of the "they can't tell me what to do" variety.

[Gardening Grandma]

Mar 12, 2020 10:28:21 GMT -5 azucena said:

GG - it doesn't do any good for you to severely limit your outside contact but still continue to see her.  You should definitely stop seeing her for a while to protect yourself.

I'm going to have to explain that to her.  She is visiting her brother and SIL this weekend.  They are even more blasse than she is.

I think walking outside with her would be OK; it's driving together to the trail sharing a vehicle that needs to stop.  

I'm afraid this is going to put a damper on a good friendship, but it's my health at stake

[Gardening Grandma]

Mar 12, 2020 10:31:07 GMT -5 @aj said:

Mar 12, 2020 10:15:36 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Use a non-excited/non-worried voice and remind those who might be concerned what the medical field is telling everyone: wash your hands, avoid crowds, etc.  Tell them you will call them/check in on them periodically if they are local to make sure they are okay and have everything they need,  Not much else you can do.  

Pretty much this.

On the other hand I'm trying to convince my 71 yo dad it isn't a good idea to fly right now and go to Disney world.  Also trying to convince my 89 yo grandfather to avoid church and morning coffee with the elder club for a while.

Both are of the "they can't tell me what to do" variety.

Can you show them the CDC guidelines?  As in "I'm worried about this"  rather than "I'm telling you what to do"...

[Deleted]

Mar 12, 2020 10:35:19 GMT -5 Gardening Grandma said:

Mar 12, 2020 10:31:07 GMT -5 @aj said:

Pretty much this.

On the other hand I'm trying to convince my 71 yo dad it isn't a good idea to fly right now and go to Disney world.  Also trying to convince my 89 yo grandfather to avoid church and morning coffee with the elder club for a while.

Both are of the "they can't tell me what to do" variety.

Can you show them the CDC guidelines?  As in "I'm worried about this"  rather than "I'm telling you what to do"...

They know what they are, pretty sure my dad will fall in line but tell my gpa not to go somewhere and why and hes more likely to go twice.

[Deleted]

Mar 12, 2020 10:34:02 GMT -5 Gardening Grandma said:

Mar 12, 2020 10:28:21 GMT -5 azucena said:

GG - it doesn't do any good for you to severely limit your outside contact but still continue to see her.  You should definitely stop seeing her for a while to protect yourself.

I'm going to have to explain that to her.  She is visiting her brother and SIL this weekend.  They are even more blasse than she is.

I think walking outside with her would be OK; it's driving together to the trail sharing a vehicle that needs to stop.  

I'm afraid this is going to put a damper on a good friendship, but it's my health at stake

I think of you often as this unfolds and sincerely hope you stay safe and healthy. 

My best friend in the world is turning 83 soon and my mom is in her 70s and currently sick with what she insists is just the flu/a cold. Both initially refused to change anything about their lives, but both seem to be seeing the light and taking some precautions now.

I'm only 50 but have some lung issues so this scares the crap out of me as well. I catch a cold and cough for 2 months, so I fear this virus would potentially do me in.

It's just scary. I think the best thing people can do is prepare to spend some time isolated at home in relative comfort and I guess pray if you are so inclined.

The dentist shook my hand twice yesterday. I mentioned social distancing and she just laughed. Argh... I get that we live in the middle of complete nowhere, but people here often travel for shopping and doctors appts, so it is entirely possible it is already here or will be.

[Deleted]

If I was retired and didn't have kids coming and going anyhow I would happily hole up for weeks.  If it wasn't for people getting sick and dying this whole maintain social distance, avoid gatherings, stay home thing would be like a dream come true for this introvert. 

[Deleted]

Mar 12, 2020 10:57:20 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

If I was retired and didn't have kids coming and going anyhow I would happily hole up for weeks.  If it wasn't for people getting sick and dying this whole maintain social distance, avoid gatherings, stay home thing would be like a dream come true for this introvert. 

Me too!  lol

I recently stocked my art business with supplies and could easily stay home for months on end creating and enjoying the silence.

There's also vast wide open spaces in Eastern Oregon (why I moved here in the first place) and I can go for a long drive and never see another car, so as long as roads aren't blocked-off and gas is available, I can even safely get out of the house...

I do worry about both of my sons who work around the public, don't make enough money to have any savings, and could potentially lose their jobs. We could all live in this house for a while, but it wouldn't be terribly comfortable...

[thyme4change]

If they are taking the proper precautions, listen to them, validate them, etc. But at some point, it is time for distraction. The more you give in to wallowing, the better you get at worrying. At some point, you have to stop the cycle.

Do a crossword together. Bring needlepoint, or bake something. Watch a movie, listen to music. Play a game, put together a puzzle. Look at pictures of family events - weddings, grandchildren, etc. Tell the happiest and funniest stories about their lives. Get some happy vibes going. Being anxious can make things worse, so push for a different state of mind.

[Deleted]

I like to watch a lot of crime tv, dramas, and Dateline kind of stuff.   Last night I'm like, "I'm going to stick to comedies tonight".  It helped. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

A couple of Gwen's friends are worried about the virus from everything they are hearing.   I told Gwen to tell them they need to wash their hands regularly, don't touch other people.  Cough/sneeze into your elbow if you must, don't open mouth cough like all you little germ ridden jerks usually do.

I said the most important thing is do not touch your face.   The virus needs to get into your mucus membranes so it can travel where it needs to go. 

Her one friend has taken to wearing gloves everywhere.   I said honestly after having been in your elementary school I think wearing gloves all the time is an excellent idea.

[Blonde Granny]

I'm in the GG category. When I was notified last week that the VA was doing lockdown on a few areas of the medical center, it concerned me a lot.

I'm 75, have my share of medical issues, but have good friends that have much more serious conditions than mine and they just keep on sitting that choir practice and going to Sunday school and church is OK. It makes me somewhat irritated as I don't want to go......(shame on me can't be a good Christian if you don't go to church.) And it worries me one or both of them is going to get very ill.

So far, I've only been out a few times since the VA notice, have one more little trip today but if I don't make it, so be it. For now, I'm in for the duration.

[dannylion]

Mar 12, 2020 12:23:14 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

A couple of Gwen's friends are worried about the virus from everything they are hearing.   I told Gwen to tell them they need to wash their hands regularly, don't touch other people.  Cough/sneeze into your elbow if you must, don't open mouth cough like all you little germ ridden jerks usually do.

I said the most important thing is do not touch your face.   The virus needs to get into your mucus membranes so it can travel where it needs to go. 

Her one friend has taken to wearing gloves everywhere.   I said honestly after having been in your elementary school I think wearing gloves all the time is an excellent idea.

The thing about gloves, though, is that they don't kill the nasties, they just keep them off your hands.  Whatever you touch with the gloves will still transfer whatever is on the gloves to whatever you touch (face, eyes, nose, mouth, other surfaces, other people, food, etc.).  I'm not a major germaphobe under normal circumstances, so seeing food service workers wearing gloves to prepare food but also to move non-food items around, manipulate faucets, door, cabinets, etc., doesn't bother me too much.  I just shake my head and hope the drains are all right and cholera is not going to be an issue.  

However, as an old person with health issues, I am currently heeding the advice of actual scientifically trained persons and avoiding crowds and other people in general as much as possible.  I'm retired and can stay home as much as I want.  I am fortunate that I can afford to have whatever I need delivered or done for me, so I'm grateful to have that going for me under the present circumstances.  I am well aware that not everyone has those advantages.  I will admit to a certain amount of anxiety, but I think a lot of it has to do with the lack of leadership in addressing the outbreak and the lack of a clear plan based on reality.  It seems the people who are best equipped to deal with this and ensure that we have the best outcome under whatever the real circumstances turn out to be are being muzzled and excluded in order to promote an agenda that doesn't seem to have anything to do with solving the real issues actual people are going to be facing.  That's what worries me more than anything.  This thing is going to do what it's going to do and we have the resources to do a better job.  Those resources need to be allowed to do their jobs.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Mar 12, 2020 13:09:35 GMT -5 dannylion said:

Mar 12, 2020 12:23:14 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

A couple of Gwen's friends are worried about the virus from everything they are hearing.   I told Gwen to tell them they need to wash their hands regularly, don't touch other people.  Cough/sneeze into your elbow if you must, don't open mouth cough like all you little germ ridden jerks usually do.

I said the most important thing is do not touch your face.   The virus needs to get into your mucus membranes so it can travel where it needs to go. 

Her one friend has taken to wearing gloves everywhere.   I said honestly after having been in your elementary school I think wearing gloves all the time is an excellent idea.

The thing about gloves, though, is that they don't kill the nasties, they just keep them off your hands.  Whatever you touch with the gloves will still transfer whatever is on the gloves to whatever you touch (face, eyes, nose, mouth, other surfaces, other people, food, etc.).  I'm not a major germaphobe under normal circumstances, so seeing food service workers wearing gloves to prepare food but also to move non-food items around, manipulate faucets, door, cabinets, etc., doesn't bother me too much.  I just shake my head and hope the drains are all right and cholera is not going to be an issue.  

However, as an old person with health issues, I am currently heeding the advice of actual scientifically trained persons and avoiding crowds and other people in general as much as possible.  I'm retired and can stay home as much as I want.  I am fortunate that I can afford to have whatever I need delivered or done for me, so I'm grateful to have that going for me under the present circumstances.  I am well aware that not everyone has those advantages.  I will admit to a certain amount of anxiety, but I think a lot of it has to do with the lack of leadership in addressing the outbreak and the lack of a clear plan based on reality.  It seems the people who are best equipped to deal with this and ensure that we have the best outcome under whatever the real circumstances turn out to be are being muzzled and excluded in order to promote an agenda that doesn't seem to have anything to do with solving the real issues actual people are going to be facing.  That's what worries me more than anything.  This thing is going to do what it's going to do and we have the resources to do a better job.  Those resources need to be allowed to do their jobs.  

I wear gloves every day and you are not supposed to be touching your face while wearing them. It's a hard habit to break but here at work where we wear gloves, don't touch our face and wash/sanitize our hands when removing them gloves are effective.  You also have to be able to remove them without touching the outside of the gloves.  If you're picking the fingers off one by one after removing the first glove not so much.

Your average person clearing out the disposable gloves in Wal-mart?  No not going to be all that effective.

That being said the kid is nine years old.  If having a box of gloves in her back pack makes her feel better I am not going to tear her a new one over it.

[cktc]

I slept like 3 hours last night after news of the European travel ban. Goodbye job. DH played funny videos to distract me. I <3 Bill Hader.

I've also resolved to limit going out to necessities. Enjoying myself "before it gets here" just seems naive and careless now. 

[Gardening Grandma]

Mar 12, 2020 13:29:27 GMT -5 cktc said:

I slept like 3 hours last night after news of the European travel ban. Goodbye job. DH played funny videos to distract me. I <3 Bill Hader.

I've also resolved to limit going out to necessities. Enjoying myself "before it gets here" just seems naive and careless now. 

I'm sorry.  


I'm going to have to cancel my hairdresser appt.  I hate to; I've been going to her for 10 years, she owns her own shop and it one of the few hairdressers in town.  She will probably lose a lot of business because people like me will cancel.  At the same time, she is taking a risk staying open and cutting/shampooing hair in a town where we don't know who all has been exposed.  She's damned if she stays open and she's damned if she closes.  Pretty much like so many other small business owners.  I feel so bad for her.

[cktc]

Mar 12, 2020 13:37:25 GMT -5 Gardening Grandma said:

Mar 12, 2020 13:29:27 GMT -5 cktc said:

I slept like 3 hours last night after news of the European travel ban. Goodbye job. DH played funny videos to distract me. I <3 Bill Hader.

I've also resolved to limit going out to necessities. Enjoying myself "before it gets here" just seems naive and careless now. 

I'm sorry.  


I'm going to have to cancel my hairdresser appt.  I hate to; I've been going to her for 10 years, she owns her own shop and it one of the few hairdressers in town.  She will probably lose a lot of business because people like me will cancel.  At the same time, she is taking a risk staying open and cutting/shampooing hair in a town where we don't know who all has been exposed.  She's damned if she stays open and she's damned if she closes.  Pretty much like so many other small business owners.  I feel so bad for her.

Thanks. Unknowns are just terrifying.


I had a hair appointment last night and felt so terrible for going as the news kept rolling in. Wish I would have cancelled. Maybe just reschedule with your hairdresser 8 weeks out and give her a nice tip when you see her again.

[Gardening Grandma]

Mar 12, 2020 10:31:07 GMT -5 @aj said:

Mar 12, 2020 10:15:36 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Use a non-excited/non-worried voice and remind those who might be concerned what the medical field is telling everyone: wash your hands, avoid crowds, etc.  Tell them you will call them/check in on them periodically if they are local to make sure they are okay and have everything they need,  Not much else you can do.  

Pretty much this.

On the other hand I'm trying to convince my 71 yo dad it isn't a good idea to fly right now and go to Disney world.  Also trying to convince my 89 yo grandfather to avoid church and morning coffee with the elder club for a while.

Both are of the "they can't tell me what to do" variety.

Disneyland is closing.  Maybe Disneyworld will come to their senses and follow suit

[TheOtherMe]

IMO, Disney World is crazy if they do not close.  

I'm a senior citizen.  Except for groceries (I would have to enlist a family member and I don't actually know if anyone would help me) and therapy appointments, I'm staying home.  

I'm an introvert and it doesn't bother me to stay home with Lucy Cat.

As long as we have food, cat litter, electricity and running water, we will survive.  

I am taking a wait and see attitude on my uncle's 90th birthday party.  I don't think it's wise for his family to go ahead with it and I'm not sure I will attend.

I was going away this weekend, but it ended up being the city with 13 cases of corona virus and I'm not going there.

[Gardening Grandma]

Mar 12, 2020 17:16:56 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

IMO, Disney World is crazy if they do not close.  

I'm a senior citizen.  Except for groceries (I would have to enlist a family member and I don't actually know if anyone would help me) and therapy appointments, I'm staying home.  

I'm an introvert and it doesn't bother me to stay home with Lucy Cat.

As long as we have food, cat litter, electricity and running water, we will survive.  

I am taking a wait and see attitude on my uncle's 90th birthday party.  I don't think it's wise for his family to go ahead with it and I'm not sure I will attend.

I was going away this weekend, but it ended up being the city with 13 cases of corona virus and I'm not going there.

Maybe you could Skype in to the birthday party?

[TheOtherMe]

I do not know how to Skype and I doubt if my cousin does either.  

[Gardening Grandma]

If you have an iphone or ipad, Facetime is easy to use

[thyme4change]

Mar 12, 2020 18:27:07 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I do not know how to Skype and I doubt if my cousin does either.  

It isn't that hard. If you try real hard, I bet you, as an above average human, can figure it out.

[busymom]

Mar 12, 2020 10:31:07 GMT -5 @aj said:

Mar 12, 2020 10:15:36 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Use a non-excited/non-worried voice and remind those who might be concerned what the medical field is telling everyone: wash your hands, avoid crowds, etc.  Tell them you will call them/check in on them periodically if they are local to make sure they are okay and have everything they need,  Not much else you can do.  

Pretty much this.

On the other hand I'm trying to convince my 71 yo dad it isn't a good idea to fly right now and go to Disney world.  Also trying to convince my 89 yo grandfather to avoid church and morning coffee with the elder club for a while.

Both are of the "they can't tell me what to do" variety.

   Tell Dad (I just heard this today)  that both Disney World AND Universal are closing March 15th, and will be closed until at least the end of March.  So, if Disney was on his list for this month, it is no longer an option.  

[weltschmerz]

Anxious about the coronavirus? Here are 5 tips from mental health experts


www.ctvnews.ca/health/coronavirus/anxious-about-the-coronavirus-here-are-5-tips-from-mental-health-experts-1.4851272

[TheOtherMe]

Mar 12, 2020 19:38:33 GMT -5 Gardening Grandma said:

If you have an iphone or ipad, Facetime is easy to use

I am not interested in learning Skype or Facetime at this time.  

I will watch cat videos quite happily, but I don't need to see people to communicate.

[Tiny]

I'm back.  Thankyou  all for the suggestions and ideas and comments.    

Yesterday was a rough ride - with my state/city calling for canceling large events (sports, church, schools, etc) and for the big employers going to work from home OR scaling back.     The anxiety was running high.  

I think I managed to navigate the conversations with the already afraid (who admitted they were rattled by Trump's spreach on Wednesday AND they are Trump supporters - even though he has NOT helped them with healthcare or anything else).    I did not accidentally pour gasoline on any fires.    I am confident these loved ones/friends will survive this.   When they lamented not being able to go to the the grocery (it's a main form of entertainment and getting out of the house) I suggest working up menu plan and we had a lighter conversation about what to cook (things they haven't made in eons but like to eat and that they have the ingredients on hand for).   We also talked about the idea of calling other friends/relatives and 'catching up' which also lightened the mood.    
And then swapped ideas for what to watch on Netflix -- so we could then watch it (on our own) and then talk about it later.  This also lightened the conversation. 
 
I even managed to navigate my crazy family members who think it's all stupid and why cancel sporting events, etc because it's just a flu! what's all the fuss!     I think celebrities and government officials getting the virus has sobered them a bit  on the "it's just a flu!" thing.  

Thanks again.  You all are making me a better person.