azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 19, 2020 9:40:38 GMT -5
Someone on another thread must be a mind reader. Found out today that while FMLA has been approved, my company changed their policy in 2019 that you have to use up all but 5 of your PTO days first before the leave becomes unpaid. I'm devastated and sobbed this morning as the one thing keeping me going is that I'd have vacation time to use to take care of myself after this is all over. Now, I come back with 15 days left for the rest of the year and we are still in Feb. This is at least my 6th FMLA leave over a number of years and the first time it's worked this way. Ironic part is that this is the time when I could have easily afforded to be unpaid. Demoralizing. And I'm left kicking myself for not putting in an hour here or there along the way even though that would have been completely irrational and unhealthy. Damn it!
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anciana
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Post by anciana on Feb 19, 2020 10:03:04 GMT -5
I am so sorry, azucena, what an unexpected punch to the gut.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Feb 19, 2020 10:40:39 GMT -5
Hugs. That sucks.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2020 10:47:58 GMT -5
Ugh. I think I was the one that foreshadowed that. Really sorry.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 19, 2020 11:07:42 GMT -5
Ugh. I think I was the one that foreshadowed that. Really sorry. I won't hold it against you. My mom is staying over on Sat night so I can take a sleeping pill and get at least 12 hours of sleep.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Feb 19, 2020 11:08:57 GMT -5
Ouch, azucena. But you will have 5 golden days to do as you like. Your PTO is in addition to holidays?
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 19, 2020 11:28:36 GMT -5
Ouch, azucena . But you will have 5 golden days to do as you like. Your PTO is in addition to holidays? It pretty much means that I'll force myself back to work full time from home now. DH will eventually go back to work having used up all of his paid time off since he doesn't have STD coverage. I'm usually the one who takes the kids days off school and we have at least two summer trips planned. In the midst of this, I figured out that DH does have STD available when his HR copied both of us on his open enrollment paperwork since it was due 1/31. We talked about him adding STD for 2020 but he didn't want to hear about it since it says to him that we are anticipating another setback like this. Since I bring in almost 90% of our income, I decided to let it go. Better for his mentality to fight thru this time rather than also have another possible period of disability looming in the wings. He has LTD coverage and we can easily weather missing his paychecks. About once a week he says I can't go thru this again. This has to be the last time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2020 11:30:35 GMT -5
Our country's "systems" seems to lack the ability to accommodate both those with a chronic/terminal illness and their caregivers.
I don't know what the answer is, but the way our working and healthcare systems currently work they are only effective for healthy people.
Personally, I caught a lot of crap for quitting my job to deal with my late-DH's medical problems but in reality what choice was there? When all of your relatives and friends work, someone has to do the caregiving and at some point that doesn't also allow for working a full-time job. Well, unless you have a pile of cash and can hire someone to do the day-to-day work.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 19, 2020 11:48:13 GMT -5
Shasta - I couldn't agree more and this is part of why I'm choosing to chronicle this. I have the luxury of sitting on a pile of cash that would allow me to take unpaid leave and I can't even do that.
We have that pile of cash as a result of me having a high income and religiously saving and spending way below our means. This means that eating at the hospital and getting take out every day through this doesn't even make me pause. It means I spent $1000 on a power recliner to make DH more comfortable, and we are going to fork out $200 for in-home massages when DH is cleared by the dr. It means that the lidocaine that the nurse requested to make the wound dressing changes more tolerable which wasn't covered by insurance and cost $69 was a whatever moment.
Not sure if I've said this but we expect to only pay our $800 deductible at the end of all of this. Maybe something for the ambulance since we haven't called one in years, so I don't know. I've only received that first ER surgeon's bill for just the consult which was $1200 that insurance negotiated to $750. So, so, so, so blessed to have incredible insurance coverage each and every incident so far.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 19, 2020 11:51:32 GMT -5
Me going back to work sooner puts me at a higher risk for an episode of depression and/or anxiety. Seeing my therapist again tomorrow. Sidenote that our insurance covers mental health at 100% with unlimited visits. Still working to get DH to see someone even if he just goes with me to my counselor since we have seen her together before. That's not ideal but at least it's something.
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anciana
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Post by anciana on Feb 19, 2020 12:15:59 GMT -5
Me going back to work sooner puts me at a higher risk for an episode of depression and/or anxiety. Seeing my therapist again tomorrow. Sidenote that our insurance covers mental health at 100% with unlimited visits. Still working to get DH to see someone even if he just goes with me to my counselor since we have seen her together before. That's not ideal but at least it's something. Glad you will be able to see your therapist tomorrow. See if you can make some plans with her for going back to work full time now instead of easing yourself slowly back. It is good that you are able to see what might be coming and can try and plan so that you can hopefully avoid the worst when the stress is not so high and you start having hard time yourself. Hang in there!
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Feb 19, 2020 13:59:39 GMT -5
It is so hard--too hard--to provide all the caregiving needed by someone unable to care for themselves while also working full time. I did it and still have nightmares years later. I'm glad you're seeing your therapist, azucena. May you receive all you need during this time.
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jerseygirl
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Post by jerseygirl on Feb 19, 2020 14:07:50 GMT -5
Is there any way your medical insurance will pay for some hours a week for care for your DH? Or can you pay someone to come in a day or 2 /week? If he needs wound care seems that visiting nurses should provide that. Did he get help (how long) after discharge from hospital?
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laterbloomer
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Post by laterbloomer on Feb 19, 2020 17:35:10 GMT -5
Wow!
If you can afford unpaid leave can't you take unpaid vacation?
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 19, 2020 17:46:03 GMT -5
Wow! If you can afford unpaid leave can't you take unpaid vacation? Not an option. I asked HR this among other things today and was told FMLA is the only thing that will hold my job.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 19, 2020 17:52:51 GMT -5
Is there any way your medical insurance will pay for some hours a week for care for your DH? Or can you pay someone to come in a day or 2 /week? If he needs wound care seems that visiting nurses should provide that. Did he get help (how long) after discharge from hospital? Nope. Nurse comes in for an hour M, W, F to change the wound dressing and reattach everything to the wound vac. Maybe he would get more services if he were single but I doubt it. He won't hear of anyone else coming in and really it's more of just an adult being home with him at this point. He can't lift more than 5 lbs - this means he can't even pour milk from a full jug. He can't get dressed and if he drops something he definitely can't pick it up. He's still a fall risk at this point and I'm even worried about light- headedness and fainting. He won't be able to drive for weeks. He needs help keeping track of his meds and making sure he is eating. Also trying to help him time his naps so he can still sleep enough at night. I appreciate all of the suggestions and apologize if my responses sound like she-who-shall-not-be-named.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 19, 2020 17:55:01 GMT -5
I put in a full day working from home today. Thinking I can put in 2-3 hours on Sat and Sun to space out my 40 hours thru the whole week.
A friend is coming by to put those nail strips on for me, DD11, and DD7. They have little bballs on them for our team's tournament this weekend.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Feb 19, 2020 18:00:28 GMT -5
Just a suggestion: can you get one of those plastic containers with all of the little compartments to help him (and you) keep track of his medications? If you set it up for him before you leave the house, at least you'd know if he's taking his meds each day.
Hang in there!
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Feb 19, 2020 18:15:43 GMT -5
I asked HR this among other things today and was told FMLA is the only thing that will hold my job.
Wow. I am amazed and absolutely disgusted that they will not work with you on this.
I wouldn't burn any bridges but might it be time to look elsewhere? Or tell them, then that's a risk I have to take (ie that they won't hold your job)?
I'm guessing that your boss or HR will soon start joking about how YOU misunderstood THEM ... I'm sorry Azucena, like you needed to deal with this on top of everything else.
ETA: I truly hope this is the last "episode" for your DH. But it may not be, and you are a star employee, and you are within your rights to expect better from them. Personally, with your skills, I'd shame them into compliance. And then once things settle down, I'd look elsewhere.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 19, 2020 18:15:46 GMT -5
I can work from home so I'm fortunate this works out okay. The only one who loses is me since between him, kids, and work, I will have very little time to recuperate from the stress and emotional toll of caregiving.
Hopefully his meds are finished next week as they are just antibiotics as a precaution for his hips and an acid reflux med as a precaution for upset stomach because puking would be beyond painful right now.
He is only taking the pain pill before dressing change and some mornings when he's had a rough night sleeping. We had to get it refilled yesterday, and I attempted to get the nurse to downgrade it from oxy. That was another whole mess because she acted like I was drug seeking on his behalf when really my intent was to wean him down to something less addictive but that would still manage the pain. I gave up.
Home nurse suggested getting a script for spray lidocaine to use when she removes the wound sponge which is extremely painful. I could tell the nurse didn't understand when I was on the phone with her. Yeah, she ordered lidocaine that requires a needle/syringe to access and inject which isn't even possible with his setup. Given nurse works for surgeon who uses wound vacs all the time - this is ridiculous. Home nurse and I used a wine opener to access the lidocaine and she put it on a sponge to put in wound which kinda sorta helped. Cost me $59 not covered by insurance since it wasn't a medical necessity and the darn stuff is pretty useless. Home nurse was going to ask others how to mcgyver it better for Fri appt.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 19, 2020 18:20:09 GMT -5
I asked HR this among other things today and was told FMLA is the only thing that will hold my job.
Wow. I am amazed and absolutely disgusted that they will not work with you on this.
I wouldn't burn any bridges but might it be time to look elsewhere? Or tell them, then that's a risk I have to take (ie that they won't hold your job)?
I'm guessing that your boss or HR will soon start joking about how YOU misunderstood THEM ... I'm sorry Azucena, like you needed to deal with this on top of everything else.
Yeah, I'm not willing to bite that hand that feeds me and feeds me well. I like my job and typically my company treats us very well. I'd basically be asking for special treatment if they go around the policy for me. If I had my previous boss, she'd bend the rules as much as she could. I've struggled with current boss so he's a wildcard. I'm not beyond working 80% of a day and calling it good enough. Got my official FMLA paperwork in the mail. In order to get paid for hours worked, I have to call them in to a special number every day. Yay, one more item to do. Hopefully it's just an automated line without a queue. If I get stuck on hold at all, I'll smack someone.
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Feb 19, 2020 18:20:55 GMT -5
Is it always the same nurse? Can you try again with another nurse, or shoot the doctor/surgeon an email?
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Feb 19, 2020 18:22:33 GMT -5
IMO we ALL need special treatment at some point. It's part of being human.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 19, 2020 18:24:47 GMT -5
The other big thing bugging me today is that DH's weight loss takes a mental toll on both of us. At one point during this journey, in our mid-20s, DH weighed in at 97 lbs. He's only 5 foot 4 but still. I was basically force feeding him big macs and shakes at that point. He ended up needing a feeding tube which sucked for both of us. Because that's just what every 25 yr old non-medically trained wife wants to be solely responsible for at home. Praying it doesn't come to that point and realistically we aren't close because I'm betting he started Jan at 170 lbs. The man eats like a teen still and just has not figured out that 40 yo metabolism even with an ostomy is different. I can't decide if I'm hoping they weigh him at tomorrow's appt or not. He carried most of his weight in his belly which isn't great for the wound there healing. His face is gaunt now and that's the hardest part to see again.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 19, 2020 18:28:37 GMT -5
Is it always the same nurse? Can you try again with another nurse, or shoot the doctor/surgeon an email? We will see what we can do at our appt tomorrow. Surgeon's usually have one main nurse so I doubt there is another. Usually when the surgeon has terrible bedside manner, his nurse is golden and runs the office/business. We have a number of things to ask about and I'm not sure how patient surgeon will be since we've only seen him rushed in the hospital rounds. Worse case, home nurse was going to ask her supervisor about being off the shelf lidocaine and using it. Not sure that will get approved but it's a thought.
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pulmonarymd
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Post by pulmonarymd on Feb 19, 2020 18:29:58 GMT -5
It is always amazing to me the hoops good employees have to jump through. The number of times I see people because their work requires a note if the are out is ridiculous. It wastes my time, and these nice patients are apologizing to me for having to come in. I always ask them how long they want to be out.
Your husband is doing what a lot of patients do. They only want family or don’t want anyone else in the house. I know they are the sick one, but the burden they put on their significant other is real and unnecessary. And, although it pains me to say it, it’s usually men who are the culprits.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2020 21:32:21 GMT -5
azucena you are awesome! I hope your DH realizes how blessed he is to have you by his side. It’s odd to me that your employer requires you to use PTO with FMLA. I guess because at my job, sometimes they do the opposite and refuse to let you use paid leave with FMLA, usually in an effort to “punish” the employee for whatever reason. It’s true that the law doesn’t require an employer to pay an employee using FMLA, but I always ASSumed that would be interpreted and used opposite of how your employer is. You probably already know this, but I’ll mention anyway that FMLA can “only” protect an employee for 12 weeks in a year. That can be one period totaling 12 weeks, or intermittent use totaling 12 weeks. I hope and pray that your DH recovers as expected and you have no reason to even concern yourself about the 12 week limit. This year, or any year going forward. I applaud you for being mindful of taking care of yourself too, as you and your family get through this. Seeing your therapist and trying to be proactive about doing what you can to protect your mental health is an important part of taking care of YOU. You and your husband have been through so much. I will keep you both, and your children, in my prayers. You’re doing great! Vent here as much as and whenever you need to. We care about you and your family. Take care!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 20, 2020 8:30:26 GMT -5
I had to burn sick time if I had it while on FMLA for maternity leave. If I hadn't had enough it would have gone to vacation and then unpaid.
In Nebraska they have to pay out your vacation if you leave your employer (sick is up to the employer) so I believe that by requiring I use it that's to make sure that if I end up deciding to leave after the three months I need to be back in order to not have to pay back my premiums they don't end up having to pay me out my leave.
FMLA just ensures you have A job (seriously read the fine print, it doesn't have to be YOUR job, just a job that is "equivalent" to it) when you return. And even that is not a sure thing if they can figure out a way to make a case that there is no job available for you (budget cuts while you were out is a good example).
FMLA doesn't protect you nearly as well as people think it does. It's pretty much worth the paper it's printed on.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2020 8:40:52 GMT -5
I asked HR this among other things today and was told FMLA is the only thing that will hold my job.
Wow. I am amazed and absolutely disgusted that they will not work with you on this.
I wouldn't burn any bridges but might it be time to look elsewhere? Or tell them, then that's a risk I have to take (ie that they won't hold your job)?
I'm guessing most places she would leave for would have the exact same policy.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Feb 20, 2020 9:47:28 GMT -5
IMO we ALL need special treatment at some point. It's part of being human. We will see how human my newer boss is. So far he's been a bit of a douchecanoe in general. Not sure if anyone remembers my "fight" with him about being forced to take our two biggest clients. In the back of my head, this chronic illness was one of my main concerns even though it's been several years since it has interfered with my work. I've had to unexpectedly leave work for weeks at a time like this but never when I've been in an executive position like now where I don't really have backup. It just so happens that a big project with one of these clients came up the week before I left. My boss ended up assigning it to the new guy that they initially took it away from - he's my level but with less experience, a real go getter though and super smart. He's handled it with flying colors so I'm hoping maybe this translates into him getting that client back - that would be a huge silver lining.
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