Kids and Fairness

[happyhoix]

Feb 1, 2020 16:48:33 GMT -5 Rukh O'Rorke said:

Feb 1, 2020 16:14:39 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I'm not sure what I'd do honestly.   I'm very much in the camp fair does not mean equal.  Right now my kids don't get equal financial resources.  One is in private school, one public, one gets spendy music lessons, one does not...I could go on and on.  They also have different Dad's with different views on buying them crap, so one has tons of toys and video game consoles and games, the other just has what he bought himself at 16.  


I have two sets of parents.  My mom and stepdad don't talk at all about any help they give my siblings.  I'm pretty sure they've been helping out my one brother a lot since he had his knee replaced and I know my mom has given me money on occasion which my brothers had no clue about (I'm not sure even stepdad did!).  We're all good and fine with this, but all three of us are hard working and don't expect handouts either.  It is nice to know they have our back if the shit hits the fan though.  

My Dad and stepmom seem obsessed with keeping things equal.  A couple years ago my dad discreetly slips me the envelope when I was visiting and they tell me my sister was having some problems with medical bills for her son and my brother needed help with the house downpayment so, "here you go".  It was a check for 2K.   No lie, I did a happy dance, but it just seemed weirder to me that they felt they owed me.  I would have been just as happy with them keeping it and maybe doling it out when I was in a tough spot.  

I think it's a bit ironic that there is a strong "fair does not mean equal" commentary  - here and other threads, nothing new here - and yet over and over on this board many posters have bitterly complained about siblings who got more assistant from parents.

So - obviously - when parents do put that fair does not mean equal into practice it causes a lot of hurt feelings. I haven't seen any posters here happily say - I was stronger - or smarter - or more mature - or had better luck - than my sibling and they needed more parental financial assistance into adulthood. 

No - it is always with bitterness - and thoughts of being "punished" for being good - or the sibling being rewarded in some way. Even when saying - I did ok, or I have quite a lot of money, or I am very successful there is always a bitter edge - and the bitterness is mostly aimed at the sibling - rather than the parents.

I haven't seen anyone that is ok with significant financial disparities while maintaining a really positive feeling towards both parents and sibling/s. It just doesn't happen - and while parents feel that they are helping the kid that needs it, the sibling left out can't seem to be ok with it.

I don't know what is right or good - but that is what happens. Is it that siblings don't see the struggles their siblings may have - that the parents see and feel they need to pay money towards to help out but the ungifted sibling can't see the anxiety, depression, lack of intellect or sense or maturity that is making life tougher for the sibling.

Maybe the harder working/more talented sibling doesn't want things equal - they want to be the "winner" so the parents evening things out is galling to them? Maybe the parents use fair does not mean equal to continue on with long running favoritism, and the unfavored child knows it?

If a parent has a favorite child that gets all the approval, attention and cash while the other kids get ignored, obviously there will be a lot of unhappy siblings. 

However, in this case, Shasta has one kid struggling to be self sufficient and independent. Plus, she donated his $2500 car because she needed it out of her driveway so she could move. He has an immediate need for transportation. The other son is living with someone who is essentially supporting him, so he's not in such dire straits.  If the older son gets his nose bent out of shape about it, that's on him.
                

[sesfw]

here is xx$ to fix your car and an additional $1500 just because. Love mom

I would feel better getting the car fixed, just to make sure that's how the funds are spent.  Then pay for insurance for a year.  

What ever balance is left, open a ROTH

[azucena]

Opening a retirement account isnt going to solve anything. I have no doubt this young adult wont care about the penalties and will eagerly withdraw the money anyway.

And my vote is not to give him the money not only because he will squander it but also because he took advantage of shastas last kindness when she let him live with her and then she had to kick him out. If it were me, I might pay a mechanic directly to fix his car but thats it.

[happyhoix]

Feb 2, 2020 8:31:42 GMT -5 azucena said:

Opening a retirement account isnt going to solve anything. I have no doubt this young adult wont care about the penalties and will eagerly withdraw the money anyway.

And my vote is not to give him the money not only because he will squander it but also because he took advantage of shastas last kindness when she let him live with her and then she had to kick him out. If it were me, I might pay a mechanic directly to fix his car but thats it.

I think that would be good. Then she's made sure they both have a car that runs. And maybe the older son can then find a job. 

[lund]

Younger son has basically gotten 3.5k (= 6k - 2.5k).

I would suggest gifting the older son with that amount, or paying for the repair of his car plus perhaps liability insurance unless it is paid for the next year (or possibly some other bill or necessity), and gifting the difference between that and 3.5k, stating that the gifts are equal and fair.
Edit: The latter meaning that his car will be OK too, which IMO is a preferable outcome.

If the older son asks why, his mother can show him the numbers, and reiterate that she is being equal and fair.
If he does not like the gift, she can always offer to take it back, or pay for the repair only...


Siblings may have an OK or somewhat OK relationship without being best buddies, but treatment being, or perceived as being, unfair can destroy sibling relationships. I think that it is good to try to be fair and equal when possible.

[raeoflyte]

Feb 1, 2020 16:48:33 GMT -5 Rukh O'Rorke said:

Feb 1, 2020 16:14:39 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I'm not sure what I'd do honestly.   I'm very much in the camp fair does not mean equal.  Right now my kids don't get equal financial resources.  One is in private school, one public, one gets spendy music lessons, one does not...I could go on and on.  They also have different Dad's with different views on buying them crap, so one has tons of toys and video game consoles and games, the other just has what he bought himself at 16.  


I have two sets of parents.  My mom and stepdad don't talk at all about any help they give my siblings.  I'm pretty sure they've been helping out my one brother a lot since he had his knee replaced and I know my mom has given me money on occasion which my brothers had no clue about (I'm not sure even stepdad did!).  We're all good and fine with this, but all three of us are hard working and don't expect handouts either.  It is nice to know they have our back if the shit hits the fan though.  

My Dad and stepmom seem obsessed with keeping things equal.  A couple years ago my dad discreetly slips me the envelope when I was visiting and they tell me my sister was having some problems with medical bills for her son and my brother needed help with the house downpayment so, "here you go".  It was a check for 2K.   No lie, I did a happy dance, but it just seemed weirder to me that they felt they owed me.  I would have been just as happy with them keeping it and maybe doling it out when I was in a tough spot.  

I think it's a bit ironic that there is a strong "fair does not mean equal" commentary  - here and other threads, nothing new here - and yet over and over on this board many posters have bitterly complained about siblings who got more assistant from parents.

So - obviously - when parents do put that fair does not mean equal into practice it causes a lot of hurt feelings. I haven't seen any posters here happily say - I was stronger - or smarter - or more mature - or had better luck - than my sibling and they needed more parental financial assistance into adulthood. 

No - it is always with bitterness - and thoughts of being "punished" for being good - or the sibling being rewarded in some way. Even when saying - I did ok, or I have quite a lot of money, or I am very successful there is always a bitter edge - and the bitterness is mostly aimed at the sibling - rather than the parents.

I haven't seen anyone that is ok with significant financial disparities while maintaining a really positive feeling towards both parents and sibling/s. It just doesn't happen - and while parents feel that they are helping the kid that needs it, the sibling left out can't seem to be ok with it.

I don't know what is right or good - but that is what happens. Is it that siblings don't see the struggles their siblings may have - that the parents see and feel they need to pay money towards to help out but the ungifted sibling can't see the anxiety, depression, lack of intellect or sense or maturity that is making life tougher for the sibling.

Maybe the harder working/more talented sibling doesn't want things equal - they want to be the "winner" so the parents evening things out is galling to them? Maybe the parents use fair does not mean equal to continue on with long running favoritism, and the unfavored child knows it?

My sister received significantly more financial aid from our parents than I did and I was 100% fine with it. She needed/s it more than I do.

My parents did give me a huge discount on buying their house so dsis and I are pretty even at this point but I didn't ask for or expect said discount. I eventually just stopped turning down their offer. I'd never begrudge sis the help she needed and honestly I feel guilty that I needed/accepted mom and dad's help.

So I can't agree that it's always bad feelings. But it likely will be in Shastas situation.

[vonna]

Family dynamics really vary, and parenting is hard.  

[seriousthistime]

In my family, DB got most of the help.  Mom and stepdad gave him a car.  He sold it because he didn't want to drive an old person's car around. He got into a legal scrape, borrowed $8K from them and only paid part of it back.  Lots of other examples like that. DSis got divorced with young kids at home and needed ongoing help.  I asked for a short term $2,500 loan and paid it back within 2 weeks. That was all the help I got.  I would occasionally get resentful that my mom and stepdad helped my brother get out of circumstances within his control, but I never felt resentful that he got more than I did. 

With my kids, they each had a different college experience that I do not feel a need to "even up."  DS1 was on the unintentional 5.5 year plan (3.5 at CC, 2 yrs at in-state college).  DD was at an out-of-state school that was $$$$, got some scholarships, and graduated early.  DS2 went to an out-of-state school with scholarships that brought the expenses down below what it would have been in-state, graduated right on time.  The amounts we paid for each were vastly different but they each got what they needed. 

In this case I'd probably give them each what they need, with older son getting car repairs and maybe car insurance for the difference. I like someone's math of $3.5K ($6K minus the $2.5K donation).  That's what I'd offer.  I don't see a problem attaching strings to a gift like this. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

My husband and I have this parenting philosophy: 

Our love is unconditional.
Our mocking is free.
Our money has strings attached.



That said, from my parents, they do try to keep it even. Every once in aw while I'll get a four-figure check from my mother (my dad passed away in 2012). It's generally because she's spent some sum on one of my sisters and wants to even it out for me. I'm sure they did so for my sisters when we were younger and I was getting more financial support from them than my sisters were. 

[apple 2]

In order to be fair,  you really have to be fair.
Its pretty simple.  You give the same amount to each, or none at all.

[tskeeter]

Maybe one option is a conversation with each of the boys that goes along the lines of  “I intend to try to treat both of you very similarly.  That doesn’t mean that every time one of you gets something I’m going to give the other child a gift to compensate for what your sibling got.  At different times each of you will need different types of help.  If you’re going to keep score, there will be times when you may feel like your brother has gotten more than you have.  But, I’m going to do my best to treat each of you in a fashion that I think is fair to each of you.”

For your older son, you might add some relationship advice to your conversation.  I think that most women select a mate that they believe will be their partner in life.  Not someone who will make little effort to be an equal partner and who relies on their partner to provide the lifestyle your son enjoys.  Over time, your son’s girlfriend will probably tire of being his sugar momma and come to resent the son’s lack of contribution to the relationship.  If your son wants his current relationship to last, he’s likely going to have to step up his game and be the partner his girlfriend will want for the long term.

It’s worth noting that being an equal partner means lots of things.  Not just performing traditional gender roles.  For a former co-worker, her husband was the house spouse.  This allowed my co-worker to put in long hours at work and to climb the corporate ladder while her husband managed child rearing, doctor’s appointments, school room parent duties, and house duties.  This arrangement seemed to work for them.

[Deleted]

I've been really thinking about this and considering my options. I appreciate everyone's comments and thoughts. 

I plan to visit my son Tuesday night when I move, so I want to make a decision by then.

I think the crux of the issue is my older son was a lot more of a challenge growing up than his brother. My youngest has always been very "go along, get along" in personality and my older son is about as opposite from that as you can get.

I've always thought my oldest inherited the worst of my mental health and his fathers. He's paranoid about a lot of things, very defiant, and seems to believe the world is always out to get him.

He's been offered and had some therapy because after my DH died he told his school councilor he was sexually abused by a babysitter's husband when he was 6. But, he flat out refuses any medication from the psych folks because he took medication for ADHD when he was younger and was told by one of our relatives that ruined him. So, now he believes all medication from a doctor is poison...

He will likely always struggle to get along in the world unless and until he either learns to get along with other people or finds a job where it isn't a constant issue.

Since he's had his GF, he has made a lot of strides and he's made a lot of effort to be nicer and get along better with me as well. 

He drives an older vehicle that's having transmission issues. He's going to need a new vehicle before too long.

I think what I have decided is give him the "gift" part of what I gave his brother and not the part of his 6K that was to cover the car I donated. I'll ask him to spend it wisely and then what he does with the money is his issue.

[Miss Tequila]

Feb 2, 2020 13:16:15 GMT -5 tskeeter said:

Maybe one option is a conversation with each of the boys that goes along the lines of  “I intend to try to treat both of you very similarly.  That doesn’t mean that every time one of you gets something I’m going to give the other child a gift to compensate for what your sibling got.  At different times each of you will need different types of help.  If you’re going to keep score, there will be times when you may feel like your brother has gotten more than you have.  But, I’m going to do my best to treat each of you in a fashion that I think is fair to each of you.”

For your older son, you might add some relationship advice to your conversation.  I think that most women select a mate that they believe will be their partner in life.  Not someone who will make little effort to be an equal partner and who relies on their partner to provide the lifestyle your son enjoys.  Over time, your son’s girlfriend will probably tire of being his sugar momma and come to resent the son’s lack of contribution to the relationship.  If your son wants his current relationship to last, he’s likely going to have to step up his game and be the partner his girlfriend will want for the long term.

It’s worth noting that being an equal partner means lots of things.  Not just performing traditional gender roles.  For a former co-worker, her husband was the house spouse.  This allowed my co-worker to put in long hours at work and to climb the corporate ladder while her husband managed child rearing, doctor’s appointments, school room parent duties, and house duties.  This arrangement seemed to work for them.

I so agree with you on the girlfriend. I get that some people choose the man to stay home once children arrive, but to already allowing a woman to pay your way...that just really bothers me. For both of them. Why doesn’t she think she deserves better and why doesn’t he think he should be better?

Not my circus, not my monkeys but that doesn’t stop me from judging!lol

[giramomma]

We are very open with the kids that fair does not mean equal.

The nanno-second the moment one of them gets a burr up their ass about "fairness" I remind them that then the "fair" standard shall be what the youngest gets. Because it's not "fair" to leave the baby out...

As it turns out, the older kids want something more than stickers, markers, and paper for Christmas. They don't want us picking out their clothes, wiping their rear ends. They don't want to be made to take a nap, or go to bed at 7pm. They don't want to give up their devices, friends, and activities. They don't like giving up their freedom.

The other option, I've floated is that if they wanted to treated fairly,  I will choose what they do for activities that makes it easiest on us parents. Because trotting them around 10-13 places a week-minimally- isn't certainly fun for us. The kids then tend to also realize that if I pick, they all will be miserable and hate it.

Now,  if I had a set of quads that were carbon copies each other in every way...then yes, I could see how it would possible to treat them all the same.

[lynnerself]

We currently have a big discrepancy in what we have gifted our kids. We have paid for a wedding and gifted a substantial amount to DD to help buy her first house. DS knows we will help when he buys a home, but he is in Seattle and it will take a while before he can afford it.  It looks like he may never marry. We wonder whether we should gift him the amount spent on DD's wedding.

Thank goodness both kids are only grateful with what they receive and never have asked for anything or complained about "fairness".

[souldoubt]

One son busts his hump and deals with life like an adult - powers through seizures, a broken down car and other things that would cause some people to just say **** it and mail it in.  The other smokes pot, has an expensive phone and sounds like at this point in his life he's a net taker.  As others posters said fair does not always mean equal.  To be blunt I'm guessing your oldest is like my wife's older sister who if you gave her 5K, 100K or 1M tomorrow before you know it the money's gone, she will have some sob story about how she needs more and worst of all she'll believe it.  Personally I'd give it to his girl friend before giving it to him because I think she would spend it more wisely on things they need like a roof over their heads.  I understand your concern or why you may feel guilty but giving him money isn't going to have a real positive effect on his life based on what you said and even if it makes you feel good it's only going to be temporary because that's not going to fix what's going on with him.  Good luck.

[giramomma]

Feb 2, 2020 13:47:38 GMT -5 lynnerself said:

We currently have a big discrepancy in what we have gifted our kids. We have paid for a wedding and gifted a substantial amount to DD to help buy here first house. DS knows we will help when he buys a home, but he is in Seattle and it will take a while before he can afford it.  It looks like he may never marry. We wonder whether we should gift him the amount spent on DD's wedding.

Thank goodness both kids are only grateful with what they receive and never have asked for anything or complained about "fairness".

DH and I were talking about this since the thread was posted.

We never thought his brother would marry. He was focused on his career, and then focused on finding a life partner.

He eventually did get married.

When MIL asked how much she gave us for our wedding, we guessed, and then padded. And then we giggled that we padded. We debated how much we should have padded. Shit, I wouldn't have cared if they paid for all of BILs wedding.

Our kids get the better end of the grandparent deal...My older kids got DH's parents when they were younger and could do things like get down on the floor with them and play at their level. They got grandparents that could literally chase after them.

My fourth and BILs kids won't/don't get that experience. I don't know how to equalize this. We can't turn back the clock to make life fair.  We can't demand that somehow my inlaws should physically have bodies of 50 year olds even though they are 70.

It would have seemed foolish to somehow force BIL to procreate with someone while he was in graduate school so that his kids could be treated exactly like DH's and my kids.

Ils live close to us. BIL has not once yet complained about that. The flip side, is their care in their final years will also fall on us.

[Deleted]

I've literally never had a single conversation with any of my siblings about what or how much out parents gifted us. I have no clue, nor do I care. They help me out occasionally when I need it and I assume they've done the same for them in the past.

[Sharon]

My Mom has always said one year it's one kids turn for the bicycle and another year its a different kids turn for the bicycle.  This applied to all things in life.  At different times in our lives when we have needed some help Mom and Dad helped out.  We have never discussed it among ourselves. 

I know my Sister got quite a bit of help when she got into a support/custody issue with the ex.  It didn't bother me I was just glad it wasn't me dealing with all that.  I got some help when DD got married.  I don't know if my siblings know I got help then or not.

We were also raised with a heaping dose of "It's none of your God Damned business".  My Dad still tells us this on a regular basis, which isn't helpful as he is aging and starting to deal with dementia.  But that is for the aging parents thread.

[Miss Tequila]

My MIL pretty much supported my SIL and family until the day she died. She let her live in the house that she inherited from her mom (she inherited 1/3 but bought out the other two siblings), paid the taxes and insurance on the house and even gave SIL $10K to lay off credit cards when she had her first child. This went on for 30 years. Oh, SIL never paid a cent of rent

While I do not have a lot of kind things to say about my ex (lol), I will say in this regard he was right. It was his mom’s money and he wasn’t entitled to it. He had no ill-will over how much SIL got over the years. In that regard, he is like me and would have been mortified to actually leech of his mom like that

When his mom died, she left my ex her main house which was worth about $30k more than the house my SIL inherited. It certainly doesn’t make up the difference but to my ex, that was his mom’s way of acknowledging the inequity of it all

And I love my SIL to death, but she was actually mad that my ex wouldn’t just give her that house. Her logic was that we had a lot more money so she was entitled to it

My SIL has shaped how I view over-helping family. I’ve told my Ed that gramma did your aunt no favors by making her so dependent. She was a financial train wreck because MIL always bailed her out. I will sit here and watch my daughters car get towed before I start making her monthly payments (different if she gets sick-I’m Tallinn just being an idiot with money) and I’ve told her so! She will never be homeless but beyond that, She is on her own

Also, things will never be equal between my two kids. I’ve given the oldest the tools needed to be successful. She can succeed or become a financial train wreck, her choice. My youngest doesn’t have that option. The bulk of my estate will be left for her care because she will need it. Her father thinks it’s the governments job to support her once I die (yes, I married an ass). This has been discussed with oldest since she was old enough to understand. She understands and has no problem with it.

[debthaven]

I think what I have decided is give him the "gift" part of what I gave his brother and not the part of his 6K that was to cover the car I donated. I'll ask him to spend it wisely and then what he does with the money is his issue.

A couple of thoughts Shasta

- I'd make sure your DS1 knows this is a one-off, and that the bank of Shasta is closed after this. I don't know if DS1 might have any additional expectations later or not, but you're in a very different financial position than you were before, so maybe it's better to make that clear

- Basically, you've given DS2 4K for a car, and reimbursed him for the old broken one you had towed so you could move. You say DS1's car will need replacing soon. How about telling him, when you decide to replace your car, I'll give you 4K towards a newer one, like I did for your brother?

[Deleted]

Coincidentally my mom stopped by today to see the kids and mentioned my brother lost his job. He's been having a rough time with a bad knee and has been on disability for the past 8 months. Anyhow she mentioned he "had some savings bonds left so we cashed them in to give him". He had an insurance payout from when he was injured in daycare as a baby. It was supposed to be turned over to him all at 18...he's 44 now. I'm not sure if they really have some left or if that's what she always tells me because I've heard this story several times. 😉

[plugginaway22]

I think it is very different pre-launch vs. out of the nest and self sufficient.  We had 3 kiddos, some needed braces, some did travel sports teams, one did study abroad, one wrecked a car...in can never be fair or even then.  But after they have launched it seems like each should be getting about the same.  We have 2 girls who are now married.  What we gave them TOWARDS their weddings we will give the same amount to DS when he gets married, or if he doesn't, by the time he is 30.  It is never exact, but my 3 are so close to each other we would never want to harm ours or their relationships.

[thyme4change]

I mentioned to my sister that I felt bad because I thought I got the most financial help from my parents and she answered "Meh, they bought me almost every piece of furniture I own, so maybe not." I think we have all found peace with my parent's generosity, even or not.

[hoops902]

Obviously just my opinion:

Fair does not mean equal=One child needs the money more than the other, so that child gets more money.  

In this case though, BOTH kids seem to need the money relatively equally.  This seems pretty clear cut that the child getting the money right now is "I like what you're doing, so here's some money", and the other is "I am not impressed with what you're doing".  That has nothing to do with "fair does not mean equal".  They're both struggling financially.  

Fair does not mean equal would be more akin to Child B needing a lot of medical help, and Shasta helping pay for those medical bills leaving the other one kind of out in the cold on money.  That's ok, that's fair, that's not some generous gift, that's helping with their health.  That's clearly not the situation with this money though.  

It doesn't seem fair nor equal in my mind to see 2 kids struggling financially and give one of them money to help out.  That doesn't mean you can't do it that way (it's her money after all), but it certainly SOUNDS more like "you're my favorite, here's some money" (even if the favoritism is based on responsible actions).

[happyhoix]

Feb 2, 2020 13:47:38 GMT -5 lynnerself said:

We currently have a big discrepancy in what we have gifted our kids. We have paid for a wedding and gifted a substantial amount to DD to help buy her first house. DS knows we will help when he buys a home, but he is in Seattle and it will take a while before he can afford it.  It looks like he may never marry. We wonder whether we should gift him the amount spent on DD's wedding.

Thank goodness both kids are only grateful with what they receive and never have asked for anything or complained about "fairness".

I have heard of some parents keeping a running list of what they give their kids, and 'even' it out i the will - DD gets 25,000 less than DS does from the estate because DD needed money for a downpayment for a house and DS did not. Of course, there are kids that will get their nose out of joint if they don't get the same as their siblings, but if you've spent a  chunk of change on one kid and to the other, it's one way to even it out. 

[TheOtherMe]

A very dear friend and her husband loaned her daughter and son-in-law about $60,000 to pay credit card debt.  There was a loan document, etc.  Next day daughter and SIL file bankruptcy and list this loan to be discharged.

They did even it up in the will.  Both are gone now and I was told that the daughter wasn't thrilled, but she already got $60,000.  

The estate wasn't all that large so she ended up with nothing.

[CCL]

Feb 2, 2020 15:04:49 GMT -5 debthaven said:

I think what I have decided is give him the "gift" part of what I gave his brother and not the part of his 6K that was to cover the car I donated. I'll ask him to spend it wisely and then what he does with the money is his issue.

A couple of thoughts Shasta

- I'd make sure your DS1 knows this is a one-off, and that the bank of Shasta is closed after this. I don't know if DS1 might have any additional expectations later or not, but you're in a very different financial position than you were before, so maybe it's better to make that clear

- Basically, you've given DS2 4K for a car, and reimbursed him for the old broken one you had towed so you could move. You say DS1's car will need replacing soon. How about telling him, when you decide to replace your car, I'll give you 4K towards a newer one, like I did for your brother?

Agree. Or else, depending on the state of his car and whether it's worth putting the money into it, maybe pay to get it fixed for him.

I don't see anything wrong with helping out your younger one a little more. He's had some tough breaks lately which he had no control over.

[CCL]

Feb 3, 2020 20:42:30 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

A very dear friend and her husband loaned her daughter and son-in-law about $60,000 to pay credit card debt.  There was a loan document, etc.  Next day daughter and SIL file bankruptcy and list this loan to be discharged.

They did even it up in the will.  Both are gone now and I was told that the daughter wasn't thrilled, but she already got $60,000.  

The estate wasn't all that large so she ended up with nothing.

That would really pi$$ me off if my kid did that to me. I don't think I could tolerate that kind of disrespect.

[NastyWoman]

Feb 3, 2020 23:23:37 GMT -5 CCL said:

Feb 3, 2020 20:42:30 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

A very dear friend and her husband loaned her daughter and son-in-law about $60,000 to pay credit card debt.  There was a loan document, etc.  Next day daughter and SIL file bankruptcy and list this loan to be discharged.

They did even it up in the will.  Both are gone now and I was told that the daughter wasn't thrilled, but she already got $60,000.  

The estate wasn't all that large so she ended up with nothing.

That would really pi$$ me off if my kid did that to me. I don't think I could tolerate that kind of disrespect.

You really have to wonder where those $60k went. Based on the timing of the  loan and the BK I doubt they paid off the cc cards.