At what point would you walk away from money?

[ilovedolphins]

My mom passed away a couple of weeks ago.  My brother and I shared power of attorney.  The day before she died we agreed that he would go to the bank and withdraw some money from her account and close out her checking account...hoping to save on some of the work after she died closing them out.  We agreed the money would go to my dad and my dad said that my mom told him that she would like her money divided between my brother and I.  Both of our names were on her bank accounts.

So my brother now has $20,000 of my mom's money and won't give it to my dad or split it with me according to my mom's wishes.

At what amount of money would you just walk away?  My brother had a falling out with my dad and I about 6 months ago and my brother and his daughter were extremely verbally abusive toward us.  So I don't know if now he thinks he just has the right to all of my mom's money or what.

My mom had her funeral planned out and he didn't abide by her wishes and changed things to the way he wanted them so he doesn't have much respect for family members and their wishes.

I am really dreading when my dad passes away because he has a lot more money and the house and property in his name.  I know my brother and his family will try to bully me and get all they can.  They already said before my mom died that if they didn't like the way things went with the money and stuff they would just contest everything.  Why do people have to be that way when things are divided evenly?

My brother's daughter was walking around the house pointing out all the things she wanted of my mom's shortly after they came and took her away.  I am so glad I raised my kids to be respectful.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Depends.  How much money does your brother have and how spiteful is it?   The amount of money I would spend battling him would have to be less than the money I am entitled to.  If it would end up more than that I'd let it go knowing one day he will have to reckon with his immortal soul.  

[Miss Tequila]

I’m so sorry. What a shitty thing for your brother to do. This is a prime example of why I never trust anyone with my money or assets. People suck and it’s usually family that steals from the sick/old

[TheOtherMe]

I hope your father has a will.  I would fight for that will to be followed to every word it says.

My sister and I have had plenty of issues over my dad and his care but we are not fighting over his money.  We are following what is in the will.

There has to be a reason to contest a will in court.  If your brother loses, he probably has to pay all of the costs of contesting.  That's the way it is in my state.

[shanendoah]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I highly suggest to your father that he get a will and name a non-family member, perhaps the lawyer, executor.
No law says he has to divide the money evenly. He could also say I want the money divided evenly, but then take $10k from brother's share and add it to your share because he kept your $10k from your mother.


But, honestly, if you don't need the money (and I know, most of us could use an extra $10k), it might be better to just walk away and not put yourself through the stress.

[apple 2]

It might be worth it to get rid of him.

[NastyWoman]

Jan 31, 2020 18:34:56 GMT -5 apple 2 said:

It might be worth it to get rid of him.

I've watched too many crime movies → I know people 

[skeeter]

Really sorry you lost your mom. Even if your brother would have done the right thing with your mother's money, it's never easy to lose someone you love

[countrygirl2]

Man, sometimes being an only child has its advantages.  And sadly hubs brother was deceased so it was easier for us to deal with MIL, his family doesn't even visit her or had nothing to do with her I think, over FIL. There was some money but she had hubs add his name to it years before then took hers off so they wouldn't get it. They took $75k before his dad died due to his dads stupidity, he wouldn't listen to me. They were happy to take anything they wanted when hubs offered it to them.  I didn't take anything but a little end table and some quilts. I think they got some of them too. I could not have done that with the bad blood there, but they did.  People are amazing.

 We will divide fairly as we can with son and DD, we have already made sure he got some so he won't feel like he won't get anything.  Never know what could happen in our lives yet, so we wanted to do that. But ours will all be in legal documents as we have to for DD to keep her Medicaid in place.

[Deleted]

What does your dad say about all this?  I guess if I were him I would do like shanendoah suggested and just leave you 10K more in his will then both of you let it go.  

[ilovedolphins]

Jan 31, 2020 19:28:27 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

What does your dad say about all this?  I guess if I were him I would do like shanendoah suggested and just leave you 10K more in his will then both of you let it go.  

My dad said we would sit back and wait and see if he does the right thing.  He said he would give me whatever I should have gotten from my mom.  I guess it's just the moral issue of it. 

[ilovedolphins]

Jan 31, 2020 17:43:18 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Depends.  How much money does your brother have and how spiteful is it?   The amount of money I would spend battling him would have to be less than the money I am entitled to.  If it would end up more than that I'd let it go knowing one day he will have to reckon with his immortal soul.  

I don't think I would take him to court over it but I also don't know if I would confront him about it again.  He lost his job last year and his unemployment has just run out so I am sure he thinks it is right to keep the money.  But he always made good money but they also spent it all.  His wife was on welfare when he met her and after they were together and living on his money she thought she was the queen.  Money was no problem ever for her she would tell people.  She wanted to act like a big shot and spent as much as she could.  

I don't think I should have to lose out on money that my mom intended for me to have just because they made bad money decisions.  I was a single mom of two for all of my kids lives.  I worked for minimum wage most of it.  I don't need the money....I guess it's just the principle.  

And I guess maybe its just because my brother always thinks his way is the right way.  He took a gun from my dad without telling him years ago and never gave it back.  I just don't understand his values.

[sesfw]

A lot of families are split over money.  I have a couple of cousins that haven't spoken to each other and have little to do with me for many years.  Sad.

Just make sure your dad has all the legal papers signed and sealed ........ with a reliable atty.


As much as I hate to say this .......... maybe this is a good time to cut ties with your brother.

[ilovedolphins]

Last summer my dad offered to pay my brother to take care of his lawn and work on his house because he didn't have a job.  It didn't matter what amount of money my dad offered him my brother would always decline and say "don't insult me with that amount".  Being without a job I would have taken any money but I guess he decided maybe he was too good to do that kind of work.

[ners]

ilovedolphins  Sorry you are going thru this.  I think your dad needs to make to make write a good will so this does not happen again.  In my humble opinion it is not worth pursuing.

[ilovedolphins]

Jan 31, 2020 19:44:50 GMT -5 sesfw said:

A lot of families are split over money.  I have a couple of cousins that haven't spoken to each other and have little to do with me for many years.  Sad.

Just make sure your dad has all the legal papers signed and sealed ........ with a reliable atty.


As much as I hate to say this .......... maybe this is a good time to cut ties with your brother.

I don't think it is money that split us to start with.  It was the verbal attack my brother and his daughter made on me, my mom, and my dad.  I would never have treated my worst enemy the way they treated us.  And it wasn't even over anything important.  My daughter made a meal for my parents and brought it over and they just went ballistic.  They had my 83 and 86 year old parents crying.  I lost all respect for them after that.  They threatened to take my dad and I to court because they didn't think we were taking care of her right.  I have been my mom's primary caregiver for the last 4 years doing everything for her while they did nothing. All her doctor's told me that they wish all their elderly patients had a caregiver as caring as I was.

Everything with their family is conflict, court cases, police involvement, yelling, screaming.  I can't be a part of that kind of life so after my dad is gone I will probably cut all ties with them.

[Deleted]

Jan 31, 2020 19:37:50 GMT -5 ilovedolphins said:

Jan 31, 2020 19:28:27 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

What does your dad say about all this?  I guess if I were him I would do like shanendoah suggested and just leave you 10K more in his will then both of you let it go.  

My dad said we would sit back and wait and see if he does the right thing.  He said he would give me whatever I should have gotten from my mom.  I guess it's just the moral issue of it. 

I’m sorry to hear about your mother. It’s terrible that you and your Dad have to deal with your brother being disrespectful and not honoring your mother’s wishes. 

I’m not sure what I’d do if I were in your situation, except I know I would be very upset with my brother for not doing what Mom wanted done.

[giramomma]

I'm so sorry.

At 10K, I would walk away. And honestly, I should have.  But, at the time my youth thought an extra 10K towards college trumped everything else. 

ETA: You know, and I know, and everyone else here knows, that likely your brother will not change. You cannot convince your dad to give up hope/accept your brother for who he is.  Any work to try to change anyone at this point IS going to waste resources. I'm generally not one for wasting resources, be it time, money or both. You don't strike as the type that likes wasting resources, either.

There's always risks that one's wishes won't be carried out. We're supposed to be cremated. It says so in our wills. My oldest two are patently against cremating us. It's something I do worry about a fair amount of time, now that everyone is aging.

But, I can't do anything about my kids not honoring my wishes or behaving in decent enough manner. 

[souldoubt]

I'm really sorry to hear about your mother.  You mentioned that you and your dad had a falling out with your brother about 6 months ago and a few weeks back after your mom passed you ok'd him going to get money out of the bank.  I'm guessing you were both giving him the benefit of the doubt that the falling out was water under the bridge since your mom passed.  If you're afraid your brother is going to contest it when your father passes then I would start talking to your dad now and see what your options are to prevent that from happening.  I'm not talking about you getting more just making whatever he has set up as ironclad as possible.  Perhaps swamp or another lawyer can chime in and I know it might vary by state but my grandparents had a trust that specifically spelled out how things were to play out while it was split 3 ways between their kids.  I've heard in some cases you can basically put in there that if someone tries to contest or sue they get nothing but I don't know if that's true and I'm sure some people can and still have tried to contest that. 

It's terrible when family shows their true colors when it comes to money after someone passes. A family friend's aunt and her kids were at the grandma's house after she passed taking everything they wanted like family jewelry and even before she passed they were trying to get the family to move her out to sell her mobile home which wasn't worth much.  You don't need people like that in your life and when the time comes I'd consider some money a small price to pay to get rid of them.  Good luck.    

[busymom]

Do you have an attorney "friend" that could send him a letter?  It might be time to put a little fear into him, so he doesn't try dipping into more of your Mom's money without your approval.

[ilovedolphins]

After the initial big fight my brother and I agreed that the only contact we would have would be in taking care of my mom.  He wasn't working and I was trying to keep my job.  He lived across the street from them so he would go over and make lunch for my mom and help her to the bathroom while I was at work.  

I think we were all just trying to get along for my mom's sake.  The doctor said that in a few months her dementia progressed rapidly and she thought it was due to depression and stress related to the fighting.  My dad and I always tried to avoid my brother and his daughter for the sake of my mom.  Even when I ok'd him to get the money out of the bank I had a thought in the back of my mind that he was just going to keep it but hoping that he would do the right thing.

I guess him keeping the money isn't the thing that upsets me the most...it's the way he thinks he can treat his family without any consequences.

[ilovedolphins]

Jan 31, 2020 20:33:37 GMT -5 busymom said:

Do you have an attorney "friend" that could send him a letter?  It might be time to put a little fear into him, so he doesn't try dipping into more of your Mom's money without your approval.

I don't have an attorney that I know.  That is all the money my mom had so he took it all.  Using the power of attorney that we shared for my parents finances he wanted to transfer $85,000 of my dad's money into my mom's account because he thought he could then move her in with him and say he deserved the money for taking care of her.  After he threatened that I told my dad he needed to revoke his financial power of attorney as soon as possible.  So he did.

[TheOtherMe]

After he threatened that I told my dad he needed to revoke his financial power of attorney as soon as possible. So he did.



So your dad changed his financial POA so that you are handling his finances?  I hope so for the sake of your dad and you.  Your dad should not have to worry about his son taking his money.

  I'm sorry about the loss of your mother.

[ilovedolphins]

Jan 31, 2020 21:00:33 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

After he threatened that I told my dad he needed to revoke his financial power of attorney as soon as possible. So he did.



So your dad changed his financial POA so that you are handling his finances?  I hope so for the sake of your dad and you.  Your dad should not have to worry about his son taking his money.

  I'm sorry about the loss of your mother.

He currently does not have a financial power of attorney.  I told him he needed to get a new one with me on it just in case he becomes mentally incapable of handling his own finances.

My brother was very upset when my dad also revoked his medical power of attorney that my brother and I shared.  My brother just started making my dad's medical decisions for him and the power of attorney was only for when he couldn't make them himself.  My brother just takes over everything and thinks he runs the entire family.  My dad did make a new medical power of attorney with me on it.  My brother said my dad could just die and he would never visit him in the hospital again so I don't know why he was so upset when he revoked him off of it.

[tskeeter]

Jan 31, 2020 21:09:35 GMT -5 ilovedolphins said:

Jan 31, 2020 21:00:33 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

After he threatened that I told my dad he needed to revoke his financial power of attorney as soon as possible. So he did.



So your dad changed his financial POA so that you are handling his finances?  I hope so for the sake of your dad and you.  Your dad should not have to worry about his son taking his money.

  I'm sorry about the loss of your mother.

He currently does not have a financial power of attorney.  I told him he needed to get a new one with me on it just in case he becomes mentally incapable of handling his own finances.

My brother was very upset when my dad also revoked his medical power of attorney that my brother and I shared.  My brother just started making my dad's medical decisions for him and the power of attorney was only for when he couldn't make them himself.  My brother just takes over everything and thinks he runs the entire family.  My dad did make a new medical power of attorney with me on it.  My brother said my dad could just die and he would never visit him in the hospital again so I don't know why he was so upset when he revoked him off of it.

Why was your brother so upset?  Because, by changing power of attorney and the medical POA, your Dad basically said I don’t trust you to do what I would want you to do.  You can’t make the I don’t trust you sign much bigger.

[tskeeter]

Jan 31, 2020 20:42:57 GMT -5 ilovedolphins said:

Jan 31, 2020 20:33:37 GMT -5 busymom said:

Do you have an attorney "friend" that could send him a letter?  It might be time to put a little fear into him, so he doesn't try dipping into more of your Mom's money without your approval.

I don't have an attorney that I know.  That is all the money my mom had so he took it all.  Using the power of attorney that we shared for my parents finances he wanted to transfer $85,000 of my dad's money into my mom's account because he thought he could then move her in with him and say he deserved the money for taking care of her.  After he threatened that I told my dad he needed to revoke his financial power of attorney as soon as possible.  So he did.

For the amount of money involved, I think the wise financial decision would be to let it go.  Particularly in light of your Dad’s intent to make you whole when his estate is settled.  It seems that most often, the only winners when you use attorneys to settle disputes are the attorneys.  It won’t take all that much attorney time to eat up the $10K your brother should have given you.  Since you are unlikely to enjoy a significant financial gain by pursuing what you should have gotten from your Mom, is it worth subjecting your strained family relationships to even more stress.

[TheOtherMe]

Jan 31, 2020 21:09:35 GMT -5 ilovedolphins said:

Jan 31, 2020 21:00:33 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

After he threatened that I told my dad he needed to revoke his financial power of attorney as soon as possible. So he did.



So your dad changed his financial POA so that you are handling his finances?  I hope so for the sake of your dad and you.  Your dad should not have to worry about his son taking his money.

  I'm sorry about the loss of your mother.

He currently does not have a financial power of attorney.  I told him he needed to get a new one with me on it just in case he becomes mentally incapable of handling his own finances.

My brother was very upset when my dad also revoked his medical power of attorney that my brother and I shared.  My brother just started making my dad's medical decisions for him and the power of attorney was only for when he couldn't make them himself.  My brother just takes over everything and thinks he runs the entire family.  My dad did make a new medical power of attorney with me on it.  My brother said my dad could just die and he would never visit him in the hospital again so I don't know why he was so upset when he revoked him off of it.

Your dad definitely needs a financial POA.  We never know when things might happen to us.  

[swamp]

$10k to make him go away is cheap.  Let him have it. 

[skubikky]

If I were you, I'd do the following....immediately.  This assumes your Dad is in agreement with these steps.

1. Get  to an attorney and get your Dad to create a new POA naming you and only you.

2.  Go to to the bank with your Dad and get added to any and all  bank accounts that he has as a joint owner.
After his passing his name is taken off the account(must submit death certificate of course) and you are left as the sole owner.  You can distribute any monies you want to your brother if you are so inclined but this at least prevents any issues you'd have with accessing your Dads money and being able to handle his financial affairs not just when he is gone but when he might be unable to manage himself.  Also prevents your brother from having any access to it.

3. Go through his house and remove any deeds, cash, jewelry or things of value that your brother could just come over and take without your Dad being aware or without his permission.

I know these might seem extreme but your brother has demonstrated that he is of low character and without cause to be trusted to have your father's best interests.

[Deleted]

My step-siblings are assholes. My sister spent most of her life in prison and my brother is a narcissist to the nth degree. I refused to deal with either. Ever.

My mom still refuses to write a will. While I am legally supposed to be the only heir of a fairly substantial estate, I've made it clear if the steps start shit because there is no will and file lawsuits (they have in the past) I will walk and never look back.

Some things in life just aren't about the cash.