Independent Senior Women

[weltschmerz]

Marriage? No thanks.


When a guy chats up 77-year-old Montrealer Rhoda Nadell at her tennis club, her brain quickly fast forwards: Dinner dates will turn into a relationship, which will inevitably find Nadell cooking, cleaning and eventually caregiving for the elderly gentleman.



“I don’t want to take care of anybody. I want to take care of me,” said Nadell, who divorced her second husband two decades ago. “You want to be friends and get together, when I say it’s okay to get together? Fine. But to be in a relationship where I have to answer to somebody else? Been there, done that, don’t want to do it again."


www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/article-women-older-than-65-dont-want-to-live-with-their-partners/

[daisy]

This is my mom- 77 years old, still tutoring Special Needs students at the CC where she has worked for 20+ years, after being a female programmer back before it was 'cool' or even accepted. Married twice, both ended, has always owned her own home, has a pension, some SS...shovels her own driveway, gardens, travels with friends, etc.  Has absolutely no 'need' for a man although she enjoys occasional companionship.  I'm in awe of her ability to literally run her own life and enjoy every minute of it....without a man.

Although there are some days, I'm ready to join her! 

[Gardening Grandma]

I have a neighbor (and a good friend) who is 65.  Divorced many years.  She doesn't want to get married or even live with someone.  There is a guy she dates occasionally; she enjoys his company. But does not want to give up her independence and become a care giver.

I get it.

[haapai]

Who can blame the gals?  This no-I-will-not-live-with-you thing might not even have that much to do with having grown up in times that few miss.  It might have a hell of a lot to do with the differences between male and female life expectancy.  A smart woman in her early seventies might very well want to skip spending her late seventies or early eighties tending to a declining and/or dying spouse. 

That seven-year difference in life expectancy is a cast-iron bitch.  I intend to avoid it.  If getting back to my sapphic roots doesn't do the trick, I'll cheerfully life in a one-bedroom walk-up if it allows me to avoid what watching husband number three die did to both of my grandmothers. 

[dannylion]

We've figured out that what they want is a "nurse and a purse."  

I sowed my wild oats when I was young enough to enjoy the experience and had enough long-term relationships to know there is little benefit to the female partner in the equation.  In any event, I no longer have the benefit of the attractiveness conferred by youth.  Now that I'm an unattractive "senior" woman, I'm basically invisible until someone figures out that I have money, then I become more interesting, and "gentlemen" my age will occasionally decide to "honor" me with their attention.  Yeah.  No thanks.  (Fortunately, being unattractive and socially awkward and a little weird is generally enough to make it not worth the effort, so I expect I'm probably going to continue to be left in peace.)

I have good friends who are men, but they are independent and not desperately trolling for a social life they can attach themselves to or a bank account they can access.  

It was refreshing to see that the gentleman featured in the article experienced an epiphany about his own role in the "problem" and has been able to alter his expectations.

[weltschmerz]

Nov 29, 2019 16:16:22 GMT -5 Gardening Grandma said:

I have a neighbor (and a good friend) who is 65.  Divorced many years.  She doesn't want to get married or even live with someone.  There is a guy she dates occasionally; she enjoys his company. But does not want to give up her independence and become a care giver.

I get it.

I'm 67 and twice divorced. I had to cut my most recent gentleman friend loose....he was too needy. "When are we moving in together?"
Never.

[sesfw]

I was 57 when my Bill died; working at a job I liked, home owner, family within 30 miles.  I'm now 78.

Met my present hubby through grief recovery on the internet after his wife died.  During our marriage discussions both of our lawyers advised us not to marry because of the financial hassles when one of us passes.  Both of us have pre-nups that are still in effect and I wouldn't leave family, home, work and moving 1800 miles without marriage.

As long as we had pre-nups my daughter was happy for us.  Both of his sons were mad about the situation but in the last 18 years have sorta come around.  Now both of us have medical issues and we are glad we have each other to lean on.

Without DH#2 right now I probably would be living in some sort of independent/senior living community.

I made the right choice for me ....................

[NoNamePerson]

I’ve been divorced for 37 yrs. No way would I remarry. I wouldn’t subject another human being to me legally! I’m not easy to live with and I admit it. 

The move in word doesn’t bother me as long as it’s me moving in. It’s that other M word that sends me back peddling

Need a 11pm to 5am dude maybe?

[swamp]

I one and done. I don’t plan to get rid of the one I have, but if something happens, I’m looking for some hookups and that’s about it. 

[NoNamePerson]

Nov 29, 2019 18:28:18 GMT -5 swamp said:

I one and done. I don’t plan to get rid of the one I have, but if something happens, I’m looking for some hookups and that’s about it. 

Hookups are a girl’s best friend. 

[Deleted]

I think we need a YMAM cougar/cub hookup thread.

Or who wants to host the key party?

[laterbloomer]

It's one thing to take care of someone you have shared a life with and gone through thick and thin already. It's a whole different thing to take care of someone you just met.

One question about the article, if 78%of the seniors living alone are women. Who are the senior men living with?

[Deleted]

A gentleman caller might be okay. If one turns up, fine. But I sure don't want or need a lounge lizard who wants somebody to wash and iron and cook and clean. Aside from being of like mind, he'd have to be educated. Not necessarily degreed; just educated. I have basic specs that are carved in stone:

his own place to live
his own car to drive
his own income

The scarcity of a person of the male persuasion who would meet those requirements is why I spend my time with books, Maggiecat, and in the garden.

[NoNamePerson]

Nov 29, 2019 18:54:19 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

It's one thing to take care of someone you have shared a life with and gone through thick and thin already. It's a whole different thing to take care of someone you just met.

One question about the article, if 78%of the seniors living alone are women. Who are the senior men living with?

Younger women?

[adela76]

Nov 29, 2019 18:54:19 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

It's one thing to take care of someone you have shared a life with and gone through thick and thin already. It's a whole different thing to take care of someone you just met.

One question about the article, if 78%of the seniors living alone are women. Who are the senior men living with?

Younger women?  Between the longer life expectancy for women, and the propensity of men to marry (and especially re-marry) someone younger, I can see how it happens.  It was 68% in the article (not 78%) and probably at least 10% of that is just due to life expectancy.

[NoNamePerson]

Nov 29, 2019 18:52:41 GMT -5 @aj said:

I think we need a YMAM cougar/cub hookup thread.

Or who wants to host the key party?

I have a feeling it would have to be triple passworded or some of pEEps here would be banned for life. Not me but just sayin'

[Deleted]

Nov 29, 2019 19:13:11 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Nov 29, 2019 18:52:41 GMT -5 @aj said:

I think we need a YMAM cougar/cub hookup thread.

Or who wants to host the key party?

I have a feeling it would have to be triple passworded or some of pEEps here would be banned for life. Not me but just sayin'

NNP, no need to explain yourself. None of us would have thought for a nanosecond that you would be banned. Nope. Not for a nanosecond.

[msventoux]

I find the whole thing interesting. My mother’s body was barely cold before my father was desperately trolling for a replacement. He didn’t find any locally, but his rural birth town had a pocket of women his age apparently desperate for a husband. He’s no prize economically, physically, and he’s really not a nice person.

I’ve never been married and never intend to, I like my freedom. I’ve spoken to many women in my peer/age group and none of them have said remarriage would be an option, at best they might like an occasional companion that keeps his own place. It doesn’t matter if they married young or late in life, if they’ve been married over 5 years or so none of them consider remarrying a viable option. The husbands I’ve talked to all said they would remarry.

[Deleted]

I'm 50 and have no interest in ever having another long-term relationship.

Dating a sadistic psychopath followed by a long-term distant relationship with a lying narcissist taught me to enjoy my freedom and avoid the BS that comes with dealing with the type of men I am apparently attracted to.

[travelnut11]

Nov 29, 2019 18:28:18 GMT -5 swamp said:

I one and done. I don’t plan to get rid of the one I have, but if something happens, I’m looking for some hookups and that’s about it. 

This. 100% this.

[Gardening Grandma]

Nov 29, 2019 18:54:19 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

It's one thing to take care of someone you have shared a life with and gone through thick and thin already. It's a whole different thing to take care of someone you just met.

One question about the article, if 78%of the seniors living alone are women. Who are the senior men living with?

This. DH and I have a 30+ year history. Of course, I’d care for him if he needed it.
But if he goes first, I would not consider remarriage

[zibazinski]

Caring for DH for months seemed like decades. I aged 40 years in 4 months. I’m lonely but I’ll stay alone. I can’t imagine doing it for years. I’d kill myself. It killed my grandma caring for my grandpa. She willed herself to die to escape.

[Blonde Granny]

I cared for my husband for a couple of years. As lonely as I am most of the time, can't imagine having another man to care for...Zib nailed it years ago, I ain't gonna be a nurse with a purse.

It's my house, my money, my friends and I'll never put up with someone telling me what I should or shouldn't do. 51 years of marriage and now the gracious age of 75 is enough.

It's now, ALL ABOUT ME. well, maybe I'd get a dog, but that's about it. In the meantime, I'm packing up for a trip to Branson with the 3 other Golden Girls.

[NancysSummerSip]

Nov 29, 2019 18:28:18 GMT -5 swamp said:

I one and done. I don’t plan to get rid of the one I have, but if something happens, I’m looking for some hookups and that’s about it. 

Amen to that. I believe in my marriage vows, but when death does part DH and I, I am not looking for another. I enjoy and appreciate mankind; I just don't want to share a bathroom with another one.

[Anne_in_VA]

I thought I would never get married again, but then met DH about 13 years ago when I was almost 60.  I had dated on and off for about 15 years after my divorce, but didn’t like the type of men I was meeting.  Finally said I wasn’t meant to be in a relationship and just went on with my life.  Met DH through a mutual friend and we clicked right away.

Since DH is about 10 years younger than me, I will probably predecease him, but if he dies first, I won’t marry again. 

[Artemis Windsong]

An 84 y.o. male friend of mine just got remarried.  He said it was a marriage of convenience.  He has macular degeneration so she will have to care for him.  They did live in AZ together.  They  made sure everyone knew separate bedrooms.  No one would believe that.  We all let them have their fib.

An 80+ female friend who used to play tennis with him thought they would get together after his wife died.  Nope.  The female friend was not in the church and was way filthy minded and filthy mouthed.

When I was in my 20s, I had men trying to move in on me all the time.  I thought I had done okay with my current H. since we worked together.  I knew him a long time.  Nope not a wise choice.  Some of you know the rest of the story so I won't say anymore.

I know a lot of single older women who are doing great. 

The old men are courting the young gold diggers.

[Deleted]

Nov 30, 2019 7:47:05 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Caring for DH for months seemed like decades. I aged 40 years in 4 months. I’m lonely but I’ll stay alone. I can’t imagine doing it for years. I’d kill myself. It killed my grandma caring for my grandpa. She willed herself to die to escape.

That's one of my concerns and I also had a pretty short caregiving period.  I do not want to open myself up to that again even if it means I won't have someone to do the same for me.

I like my life.  Really. I'm not responsible for anyone but myself.  As long as I pay my bills and keep my lawn neat enough to meet HOA requirements, I can do whatever I want.  I AM dating a man who has his own house, his own income and his own car. Neither of us wants to remarry or cohabitate.  Life is good on my own.

[Deleted]

I'm not sure I like the idea of being a caregiver, but I'm not real thrilled with the idea of dying alone either.  I don't mean in a nursing home or hospital with no family around because I had only boys and I foresee they will suck at looking after mom.   That's fine.  I mean, dying in my house and not found for weeks after the cats ate off of me alone.  

Last week in the early evening I heard the sounds of sirens on my road.  We very rarely hear them up here and when we do the phones light up because chances are it's someone we know.  It was at my 94 year old neighbors house.  Her husband was having a stroke and she called.  Two years ago, it was the other way around.  She was the one having the stroke and he called.  She recovered and it sounds like he's doing ok and wants to come home.  It's good they have each other if one gets sick or falls down.  

[Deleted]

Nov 29, 2019 16:58:46 GMT -5 sesfw said:

I was 57 when my Bill died; working at a job I liked, home owner, family within 30 miles.  I'm now 78.

Met my present hubby through grief recovery on the internet after his wife died.  During our marriage discussions both of our lawyers advised us not to marry because of the financial hassles when one of us passes.  Both of us have pre-nups that are still in effect and I wouldn't leave family, home, work and moving 1800 miles without marriage.

As long as we had pre-nups my daughter was happy for us.  Both of his sons were mad about the situation but in the last 18 years have sorta come around.  Now both of us have medical issues and we are glad we have each other to lean on.

Without DH#2 right now I probably would be living in some sort of independent/senior living community.

I made the right choice for me ....................

Make sure you have a plan for LTC.  A prenup does not protect your assets from Medicaid.  Even if they are strictly yours like retirement accounts.

[Deleted]

Nov 30, 2019 7:47:05 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Caring for DH for months seemed like decades. I aged 40 years in 4 months. I’m lonely but I’ll stay alone. I can’t imagine doing it for years. I’d kill myself. It killed my grandma caring for my grandpa. She willed herself to die to escape.

I totally agree with this.  I was totally stunned to figure out that DH was on hospice a little more than 3 weeks!