Attending Funerals

[tractor]

I put this here because I can’t put it on Facebook without offending someone in my family.

Do you think you will ever get to the point where you attend random funerals just so you have something to do? My dad is 77, and has reached the point where he will now attend 2-3 funerals a week, even if he never knew the deceased, and can come up with only the weakest association to the individual. Such as “I once met his son at the store, or someone mentioned his name at the barbershop”

While it gives my dad something to do, I find it incredibly strange and not a “normal” thing to do. Maybe He’s trolling for widows? I know if I ask him about it he will be offended that I dare question his motives.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Lol@trolling for widows. 

I don't know. Since I work during the regular day, I can't just go to funerals that aren't immediate family. I've often thought I would like to go just to support a semi-distance acquaintance. It seems like a nice thing to do. Like when people go to a homeless person's funeral because no one has claimed the body. 

[Bluerobin]

Dad must be pretty bored to go to funerals for social activity.  Try taking him to a senior center, etc.  I am betting he just needs a way to be with people.

[saveinla]

I just finished a book - How not to Die Alone by Richard Roper and have been thinking about this topic.

I think even if it is to pass the time, the family of the person who dies will appreciate it. 

[busymom]

It seems to be a trend we've noticed, since moving here, that if a funeral is happening for a veteran with no known family, the community will attend.  They will actually announce it on the news.  


Not sure why your Dad is doing this.  I'm guessing bored, or a bit lonely.

[alabamagal]

Nov 23, 2019 11:59:36 GMT -5 busymom said:

It seems to be a trend we've noticed, since moving here, that if a funeral is happening for a veteran with no known family, the community will attend.  They will actually announce it on the news.  


Not sure why your Dad is doing this.  I'm guessing bored, or a bit lonely.

So this really bothers me ( in a way, not complaining).

So to me funerals are for the living relatives/friends to get together, reminisce. So people hear about people dying with no friends/ family to attend and they rush to attend. And then they “ feel good” because they attended a funeral for someone who had no one. Well what about helping living veterans/older people who have no one? Why don’t you help someone who will benefit.

To me it is the same as the “pay it forward” bs where you pay for the person behind you in Starbucks drive thru, who can pay for their $5 latte, rather than giving food to someone who is truly hungry.

Rant over.

[tractor]

We’ve tried to get him to go to the senior center “too many old people”, we signed him up to volunteer visiting patients in the hospital, he won’t go. There are multiple coffee clubs around town where all the old guys hang out and solve the worlds problems every morning, he won’t go.

He’d rather complain that he is bored and there’s nothing else to do. It’s very frustrating and since I am not his social director, I have given up. This funeral thing is strange though. Maybe he likes the free lunch? Today’s funeral starts at 1, he got there an hour early so he could get a “good” seat.

I hope he’s at least taking notes so we can have his all mapped out when the time comes.

[Tiny]

Perhaps he is confronting dealing with his own "on the horizon" death? Funerals and Wakes are the places where everyday people get to acknowledge death (often times their own) in a social situation.

What about finding something for your dad to do that includes younger folks. Does you local library (or schools) have activities/volunteering opportunities (to work with kids or teens or college kids or adults)? Is there a local college/university with things to do (or go to - theater? Art show?)

Does your dad have/had any hobbies or DIY skills?  Maybe that's an opportunity for connecting with the general population age group people. 

I'm guessing your dad doesn't really want to hang around with other people who have death on their horizon (old people groups or hospitals) it's easier to go to wakes/funerals for people you don't know really well than for people you DO know well.

Help your dad find a more age diverse group(s) to hang with...

(Strangely the movie Harold and Maude comes to mind)

[Tennesseer]

Tractor-I decided to search the internet and asked this question: "Why do people go to strangers' funerals".  I came across this article. I'm not sure it will answer all your questions, but it will let you know your dad is not alone.

Secret Life of a Funeral Crasher

If you die near Wellington, New Zealand, there could be a pale young woman at your funeral, with raven hair and delicate, shadowed eyes. None of your mourners will know her or even recognize her, and some might suspect she’s a ghost. She never met you, either. Her name is Kat, and she’s at your funeral only because you were a person once, and now you’re dead.

It’s surprisingly easy to crash a stranger’s funeral. Families rarely orchestrate a private service, and nobody’s checking IDs. But once you’re inside, there are scores of social hazards: There’s the guest book — do you sign your real name? Jot down a somber “remembrance?” What if a loved one is guarding it? What if someone shoots you the evil eye? There’s the prospect of an awkward conversation: “How did you know my mother? Oh, you don’t know any of us? You’re here for the food, then?”

So why do it? Why go to a funeral for any reason other than loving obligation?

Some people may crash funerals for the free food or to land a coveted newly-available apartment, or even the chance to show off “funeral chic” black clothes. True obsessives are drawn to cemeteries or literally can’t stop grieving, like Brazilian Luis Squarisi, who reportedly quit his job to attend funerals full-time after losing his own father.

Complete article here: Secret Life of a Funeral Crasher

[zibazinski]

Nov 23, 2019 12:59:14 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Tractor-I decided to search the internet and asked this question: "Why do people go to strangers' funerals".  I came across this article. I'm not sure it will answer all your questions, but it will let you know your dad is not alone.

Secret Life of a Funeral Crasher

If you die near Wellington, New Zealand, there could be a pale young woman at your funeral, with raven hair and delicate, shadowed eyes. None of your mourners will know her or even recognize her, and some might suspect she’s a ghost. She never met you, either. Her name is Kat, and she’s at your funeral only because you were a person once, and now you’re dead.

It’s surprisingly easy to crash a stranger’s funeral. Families rarely orchestrate a private service, and nobody’s checking IDs. But once you’re inside, there are scores of social hazards: There’s the guest book — do you sign your real name? Jot down a somber “remembrance?” What if a loved one is guarding it? What if someone shoots you the evil eye? There’s the prospect of an awkward conversation: “How did you know my mother? Oh, you don’t know any of us? You’re here for the food, then?”

So why do it? Why go to a funeral for any reason other than loving obligation?

Some people may crash funerals for the free food or to land a coveted newly-available apartment, or even the chance to show off “funeral chic” black clothes. True obsessives are drawn to cemeteries or literally can’t stop grieving, like Brazilian Luis Squarisi, who reportedly quit his job to attend funerals full-time after losing his own father.

Complete article here: Secret Life of a Funeral Crasher

OH my

[Happy prose]

Whole lotta crazy in this world!

[swamp]

My dad's friend Don does.  He just likes to talk to people.  

[gambler]

My mother and several other widows use us attend several funerals a week her and the group said no one should die and not have mourners at their service. They also prepared food for after and in case no following to the cemetery they would follow. Think about ten 70-80 year olds driving and this was just outside Tampa.

[NoNamePerson]

He sounds like the male counterpart to Stephanie Plum’s grandmother in books by Janet Evanovich! Grandma is a hoot  Sorry but that is what immediately popped up. I’ve read way to many of her books! 

[crazycat]

Nov 23, 2019 15:46:17 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

He sounds like the male counterpart to Stephanie Plum’s grandmother in books by Janet Evanovich! Grandma is a hoot  Sorry but that is what immediately popped up. I’ve read way to many of her books! 

Hahaha ! I was just thinking the same thing . Grandma is the best part of the books ! 

[Gardening Grandma]

At my mother's memorial service, there were a few people who we did not know, who did not know her and I don't know why they were there. They commented "nice memorial" and ate food; maybe they knew some of the people there.  I really have no idea.  I was puzzled, but had too much on my mind to be annoyed.
I do think some people actually don't have anything better to do - seems kind of sad.

[Deleted]

My Grandmother use to go to a lot of funerals. But she either knew the deceased, or knew someone close to the deceased, and she went as a way of supporting the family.

Me, on the other hand, the deceased has to be someone I really care about or it has to be someone important to someone I really care about for me to go to a funeral. I tend to cry at funerals, not a pleasant sight.

I’m not sure why someone would go to the funeral of someone they don’t know at all, and don’t know anyone who really loved them.

Maybe that’s something some people do as they age, idk, but it seems kind of odd to me.

[NoNamePerson]

Nov 23, 2019 17:35:50 GMT -5 crazycat said:

Nov 23, 2019 15:46:17 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

He sounds like the male counterpart to Stephanie Plum’s grandmother in books by Janet Evanovich! Grandma is a hoot  Sorry but that is what immediately popped up. I’ve read way to many of her books! 

Hahaha ! I was just thinking the same thing . Grandma is the best part of the books ! 

Whew, I don’t feel so bad now for my post. A serious subject and I go all silly! I actually considered deleting it. 

[NoNamePerson]

Nov 23, 2019 18:26:18 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

My Grandmother use to go to a lot of funerals. But she either knew the deceased, or knew someone close to the deceased, and she went as a way of supporting the family.

Me, on the other hand, the deceased has to be someone I really care about or it has to be someone important to someone I really care about for me to go to a funeral. I tend to cry at funerals, not a pleasant sight.

I’m not sure why someone would go to the funeral of someone they don’t know at all, and don’t know anyone who really loved them.

Maybe that’s something some people do as they age, idk, but it seems kind of odd to me.

I am with you! As for crying I’m ok till they sing something like amazing grace! I’ve left word that Shine On You Crazy Diamond is played when they drop me in the ground. 

[Deleted]

Nov 23, 2019 18:51:09 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Nov 23, 2019 18:26:18 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

My Grandmother use to go to a lot of funerals. But she either knew the deceased, or knew someone close to the deceased, and she went as a way of supporting the family.

Me, on the other hand, the deceased has to be someone I really care about or it has to be someone important to someone I really care about for me to go to a funeral. I tend to cry at funerals, not a pleasant sight.

I’m not sure why someone would go to the funeral of someone they don’t know at all, and don’t know anyone who really loved them.

Maybe that’s something some people do as they age, idk, but it seems kind of odd to me.

I am with you! As for crying I’m ok till they sing something like amazing grace! I’ve left word that Shine On You Crazy Diamond is played when they drop me in the ground. 

The last funeral I went to was about 3 years ago, my best friend’s step Dad. I sat in the very back of the church and cried through half the service. I guess because people spoke so highly of him, and I knew that even though he wasn’t actually married to my friend’s Mom, they’d been together for decades, he took good care of her and treated her kids and their kids like they were his. He took my friend’s grandson to school every day and just looked after all of them as if he was biologically related to them. He was a good man, and I knew it was a painful loss for my friend and her family, so I was sitting in the back of the church, crying like an idiot lol.

I even cried at my grandfather’s funeral and he was NOT a good man. My older cousin looked over at me and said “You’re crying?!”. I was like “It’s a damn funeral girl, leave me alone!” One of his younger brothers was a minister and even HE didn’t sugarcoat who my grandfather was, when he spoke, the first thing he said  “*grandfather’s nickname* was HELLLLL!”. 

So yeah, if anybody ever needs someone to cry at a funeral, I’m your girl.

[wvugurl26]

I live five hours away from most of my family. So I miss some of the funerals.

The two last year were awful. My grandpa's sister and then her husband passed away within six months. I was sort of holding it together at her funeral and they ended playing Country Roads. And it hit me that she was finally home for good. I bawled. That was game over for me.

She was forced to move south years ago because of health issues. Too many chemical plants contributed to poor air quality in our hometown area. South Carolina was never home to her.

It also doesn't help that my family seems to be partial to a certain funeral home. Every single one has been in the same room. Apparently it's the only large room, the other two are smaller. The memories are pretty overwhelming.

[TheOtherMe]

Our family uses the same funeral home, too.  In the family room, they have the most uncomfortable chairs.  The larger room at least has comfortable seating.

Pretty sure I will be attending my dad's funeral there in the near future.

Then I don't care if I never see that place again.

The first funeral I remember attending there was for a cousin, age 20, who had died very suddenly of a burst spleen.  

I have no good memories of that building.  

[Deleted]

NoNamePerson, crazycat, you're not alone. I thought of Grandma Mazur, too. And there's no such thing as having read "too many" Stephanie Plum books.

In my tiny hometown, there are always a lot of mourners at funerals. Most everybody knows or is related to everybody else, but there are still those elderly people who don't know the deceased and aren't related. They go because there's a free lunch. It's easy to spot them because they're the ones who aren't in the receiving line and go directly to the buffet lunch table.

[mroped]

My mom is about to turn 81 and I found it funny that she gets “called” or” invited” to some funerals. She lives in a town where everybody knows everybody but at her age makes it hard to walk the distance from home to the home of the deceased and then church/cemetery. There is no funeral home in town.
Once in a while, a car would show up and th driver would tell her that the priest or family wants her to attend the funeral. Sometimes for people that she had nothing to do with!
I was told that if the mood of the funeral gets too depressing then she is brought in to lighten it up which to my opinion is screwed up: it’s a funeral, it is depressing!
The priest justifies it as “it is not good for the soul that much sadness” so he brings mom in. She can find funny things to say or do in the darkest moments. That gets everyone smiling or sometimes laughing.
At a funeral for some really old fellow the priest had to stop his chants during the service in the church in order to recollect himself and not start laughing. Apparently the daughter of the deceased was wailing and mom whispered to the priest that she sounds like her cat in heat. The priest lost it!
All in all, I don’t find it odd that an older person attends the funeral of another old person even if they never knew each other. Maybe is about companionship, camaraderie etc. Or maybe they are just reflecting on the futility of life?!
I believe that once you hit a certain age you should be allowed to do anything without being questioned on the reason why!

[Deleted]

Nov 24, 2019 7:28:52 GMT -5 mroped said:

I believe that once you hit a certain age you should be allowed to do anything without being questioned on the reason why!

Oh, goody! Is my age "certain" enough? (Say yes!) I just turned 79 last week.

[NoNamePerson]

I believe that once you hit a certain age you should be allowed to do anything without being questioned on the reason why!

I love being able to use "age" as an excuse for my actions. Of course those who know me in RL would spill the beans on me. Most have extremely tight neck muscles from shaking their heads all these years.

[Happy prose]

mroped Your mom sounds great!

[Happy prose]

Nov 24, 2019 7:44:50 GMT -5 @missrigby said:

Nov 24, 2019 7:28:52 GMT -5 mroped said:

I believe that once you hit a certain age you should be allowed to do anything without being questioned on the reason why!

Oh, goody! Is my age "certain" enough? (Say yes!) I just turned 79 last week.

You're safe. I turned 60 this year, and use this as my ticket!

[Value Buy]

Nov 23, 2019 11:42:03 GMT -5 tractor said:

I put this here because I can’t put it on Facebook without offending someone in my family.

Do you think you will ever get to the point where you attend random funerals just so you have something to do? My dad is 77, and has reached the point where he will now attend 2-3 funerals a week, even if he never knew the deceased, and can come up with only the weakest association to the individual. Such as “I once met his son at the store, or someone mentioned his name at the barbershop”

While it gives my dad something to do, I find it incredibly strange and not a “normal” thing to do. Maybe He’s trolling for widows? I know if I ask him about it he will be offended that I dare question his motives.

Since I have about six decades of rememberances of funerals. I can see myself doing this eventualy as I age out the life process.
My thought process is I want to weed out the total failures and mess ups I have witnessed over the years, including missteps in some of the family funerals.  But that is just me......
In your father's case, is he simply lonely, bored, etc.......
Is your father online very much? You could always sign him up for this board, and it could tie him up for weeks on end!  

  

[Tennesseer]

Nov 23, 2019 19:55:55 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

Nov 23, 2019 18:51:09 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

I am with you! As for crying I’m ok till they sing something like amazing grace! I’ve left word that Shine On You Crazy Diamond is played when they drop me in the ground. 

The last funeral I went to was about 3 years ago, my best friend’s step Dad. I sat in the very back of the church and cried through half the service. I guess because people spoke so highly of him, and I knew that even though he wasn’t actually married to my friend’s Mom, they’d been together for decades, he took good care of her and treated her kids and their kids like they were his. He took my friend’s grandson to school every day and just looked after all of them as if he was biologically related to them. He was a good man, and I knew it was a painful loss for my friend and her family, so I was sitting in the back of the church, crying like an idiot lol.

I even cried at my grandfather’s funeral and he was NOT a good man. My older cousin looked over at me and said “You’re crying?!”. I was like “It’s a damn funeral girl, leave me alone!” One of his younger brothers was a minister and even HE didn’t sugarcoat who my grandfather was, when he spoke, the first thing he said  “*grandfather’s nickname* was HELLLLL!”. 

So yeah, if anybody ever needs someone to cry at a funeral, I’m your girl.

Pink Cashmere-think of the extra income.

Professional mourning