Teenagers and Housekeeping

[Deleted]

What’s reasonable? The house DBF and I bought is in his daughters’ school district, so they come to our house every day after school. Between that and his court approved time with them, they’re here every day except for 4 days out of the month, but they mostly only spend the whole night here if it’s “his” weekend or they’re on a break from school.

My question is, since they’re here so much, is it unreasonable to expect them to clean up after themselves? They get home before we do, so if, for example, they cook themselves something to eat before we get home, is it unreasonable to expect they clean the kitchen afterwards, if the kitchen was already clean and the dishwasher empty when they got home?

I know what the answer would be if I were talking about my own kids, but I understand that my way of parenting isn’t the only (maybe not even the best) way. I also understand that they don’t actually live here, they’re here every day during the week for anywhere between 2-7 hours before they go to their Mom’s house, then they stay every other weekend, and often on school breaks.

At the same time, it stresses me to come home to a house I left clean and the kitchen is a mess and there’s trash laying around here and there.

DBF and I went out of town for 4 days a couple weeks ago. We left the kitchen clean. His kids still came over after school, no problem. But when we returned the kitchen was dirty, dirty dishes were piled in the sink, and trash was piled up on the counters instead of in the trash cans. HE had an issue with that, and it turned into a fiasco with their Mom yelling at him and hanging up on him.

”Their” bathroom is placed where it would be reasonable for guests to use it, but I don’t think it’s been cleaned in the 3 months we’ve lived here. I don’t make a big deal out of it, because there’s another bathroom convenient for guests to use, that I keep clean, although that one seems to get a lot of use too, for some unknown reason. I’ve NEVER used “their” bathroom, so right or wrong, I don’t feel like I should be the one to clean it.

I truly don’t care about them being here every day. Sometimes I think a lot of things would be easier if they just actually lived with us. I’m just not sure how much is fair to expect of them since they still don’t actually live here. But since I do like for the common areas of a house to be fairly clean, sometimes I feel like the maid. FWIW they are 15 and 17yo.

I’m open to thoughts and advice, so let me have it. 

[debthaven]

They live with their mom, right? So why are they going to YOUR house (ie their DAD'S house) every day after school? Is it because they are unsupervised there? (NO judgement on that! Just trying to understand).

I would tell them that if they come, it's because you trust them, which means they are supposed to act reponsibly and mature, which means THEY CLEAN UP AFTER THEMSELVES.

It's a question of respect. Do they keep their rooms neat? Even if they don't, ask them how they'd feel if you went up and messed up their room and they came home to a dirty/messy room after school. EVERY FREAKING DAY.

I admit, this would drive me insane!!! Life is hard, work is hard, my home is my haven and I don't want people messing it up!!!

This said, your DBF (ie their Dad) should be the one telling them this, not you. He needs to step up.

I'd put it as having a key is a privilege and not a right, so they need to do the right thing, or that privilege will be revoked.

But they won't take it kindly coming from you. Your DBF really needs to step up here.

If he won't, then he needs to hire a cleaner. Because it's totally unfair for you to be cleaning up every day after his kids if they are making a mess.

[debthaven]

This said, obviously, teens (and visibly even adults given my kids) don't necessarily have the same vision of "clean" as we do.

My kids tell me "Don't get up, we're cleaning up!" And I trust them.

So I walk into the kitchen two hours later and I just want to die LOL.

But I do NOT think that's the issue here. Even if they don't have the same standards as you, they need to make an effort, and it doesn't sound like they're doing that.

ETA: Other thought: your DH tells them they are only allowed to come unsupervised after school two days a week (you choose which two days).

That doesn't solve the problem, but it minimizes it.

[giramomma]

We make our kids clean up after themselves. Even our 22 month old does something. She throws the clean silverware in the appropriate drawer.

I think you are going to be in a tough position. If your DBF sets some boundaries that restricts their time at your house, it could be spun that you don't want them there...and then girls won't come over. And it seems pretty clear that their mom won't enforce any boundaries your DF may establish.

Since the kids are close to being 18, I would probably would take the course of action that most preserves the relationship..which would be to hire a cleaner.

I might also alter what I buy for groceries, especially if the teens have preferences for certain foods. I would make sure less of the desired foods are bought.

And, when you are out of town, the girls don't belong at your house. If your DBF isn't home, it's not really their place to be there. Of course, assuming that you guys aren't leaving when he has his parenting time. If you take off while he has his parenting time...that's different.

[Tennesseer]

Remind the kids they don't live in a hotel and they are just as responsible for cleaning up their mess in your home as they are in their mother's home.

(Please, please, please don't reply that their mother does not require them to clean up their messes in her home.  )

[Deleted]

Oct 24, 2019 18:53:25 GMT -5 debthaven said:

They live with their mom, right? So why are they going to YOUR house (ie their DAD'S house) every day after school? Is it because they are unsupervised there? (NO judgement on that! Just trying to understand).

I would tell them that if they come, it's because you trust them, which means they are supposed to act reponsibly and mature, which means THEY CLEAN UP AFTER THEMSELVES.

It's a question of respect. Do they keep their rooms neat? Even if they don't, ask them how they'd feel if you went up and messed up their room and they came home to a dirty/messy room after school. EVERY FREAKING DAY.

I admit, this would drive me insane!!! Life is hard, work is hard, my home is my haven and I don't want people messing it up!!!

This said, your DBF (ie their Dad) should be the one telling them this, not you. He needs to step up.

I'd put it as having a key is a privilege and not a right, so they need to do the right thing, or that privilege will be revoked.

But they won't take it kindly coming from you. Your DBF really needs to step up here.

If he won't, then he needs to hire a cleaner. Because it's totally unfair for you to be cleaning up every day after his kids if they are making a mess.

Their Mom doesn’t live in the school district. She moved to “the country” a couple years ago, with her family. I’m not sure how the kids are enrolled in the school district where we live, but they’ve been going to school in this district for a few years. It just happened to be convenient that we moved into their school district, so they come here after school. I have NO problem with that, I would never want his kids to feel like they aren’t welcome at our home. I just don’t want to be constantly cleaning up after them.

I already know it would cause a war if I said something to them. I’m reluctant to even address my concerns with him, because who wants to hear somebody complaining about their kids? But when he complains about me spending so much time outside, I’m honest about why. I get stressed when I walk into the house and it’s a mess, so I go outside.

After the drama after we went out of town, I suggested maybe we needed some “rules” or something but no conversations took place as far as all of us sitting down and hashing things out. It just kind of blew over.

[Deleted]

Oct 24, 2019 18:59:02 GMT -5 debthaven said:

This said, obviously, teens (and visibly even adults given my kids) don't necessarily have the same vision of "clean" as we do.

My kids tell me "Don't get up, we're cleaning up!" And I trust them.

So I walk into the kitchen two hours later and I just want to die LOL.

But I do NOT think that's the issue here. Even if they don't have the same standards as you, they need to make an effort, and it doesn't sound like they're doing that.

ETA: Other thought: your DH tells them they are only allowed to come unsupervised after school two days a week (you choose which two days).

That doesn't solve the problem, but it minimizes it.

I’m pretty sure he won’t limit the days they can come over after school. Apparently last school year, they would walk to a Subway near their school, waiting until their Mom or whoever could pick them up. That was their Mom’s solution since no one lived in their school’s district, or near the school, until DBF and I bought our house. Coming to our house is preferable to that, even to me.

[Sharon]

At ages 15 and 17 that problem may take care of itself.  Will the 17 year old graduate this year or next? 

[Deleted]

Oct 24, 2019 19:23:10 GMT -5 giramomma said:

We make our kids clean up after themselves. Even our 22 month old does something. She throws the clean silverware in the appropriate drawer.

I think you are going to be in a tough position. If your DBF sets some boundaries that restricts their time at your house, it could be spun that you don't want them there...and then girls won't come over. And it seems pretty clear that their mom won't enforce any boundaries your DF may establish.

Since the kids are close to being 18, I would probably would take the course of action that most preserves the relationship..which would be to hire a cleaner.

I might also alter what I buy for groceries, especially if the teens have preferences for certain foods. I would make sure less of the desired foods are bought.

And, when you are out of town, the girls don't belong at your house. If your DBF isn't home, it's not really their place to be there. Of course, assuming that you guys aren't leaving when he has his parenting time. If you take off while he has his parenting time...that's different.

DBF won’t restrict their time at our house, and I’m ok with that. He did say that next time we go out of town, their Mom will have to make other arrangements. FWIW, this last time was not during a time that he was responsible for them.

Groceries and food are a whole ‘nother issue that I’m not sure how to handle. At first, I would buy and cook simple, unprocessed foods as much as possible. They don’t like the kind of food I buy and cook. So DBF buys a whole different set of groceries for them. It feels rude to me to cook meals for just myself when kids are in the house, even though I know they don’t want it anyway, so I’ve pretty much stopped cooking. As a result, I officially weigh more than I ever have in my life now, and I don’t like it! So I have to figure that out too, and SOON!

[Deleted]

Oct 24, 2019 20:30:37 GMT -5 Sharon said:

At ages 15 and 17 that problem may take care of itself.  Will the 17 year old graduate this year or next? 

She graduates this year. 

[Deleted]

Oct 24, 2019 19:29:22 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Remind the kids they don't live in a hotel and they are just as responsible for cleaning up their mess in your home as they are in their mother's home.

(Please, please, please don't reply that their mother does not require them to clean up their messes in her home.  )

Welllll, DBF said something about mopping to the 17yo and she exclaimed that she'd NEVER mopped. I know how teenagers can be, but I do kind of get the sense that they aren’t held responsible for helping to keep their home clean.

They are basically good kids, I hope I’m not making it seem like they are horrible. They really aren’t. I just don’t want to be constantly cleaning after them in the common areas of the house.

[Tennesseer]

Oct 24, 2019 20:56:24 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

Oct 24, 2019 19:29:22 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Remind the kids they don't live in a hotel and they are just as responsible for cleaning up their mess in your home as they are in their mother's home.

(Please, please, please don't reply that their mother does not require them to clean up their messes in her home.  )

Welllll, DBF said something about mopping to the 17yo and she exclaimed that she'd NEVER mopped. I know how teenagers can be, but I do kind of get the sense that they aren’t held responsible for helping to keep their home clean.

They are basically good kids, I hope I’m not making it seem like they are horrible. They really aren’t. I just don’t want to be constantly cleaning after them in the common areas of the house.

Make some type of deal with them. Like you won't put your dirty dishes in their sleeping areas if they clean up after themselves once they get home from school.

You know him best, but your BF should back you up if your requests to his kids are fair and reasonable.

[raeoflyte]

Maybe not ideal but could you offer to pay them something to clean up the house each day because of your injury? Or some other kind of bribery?

[giramomma]

Oct 24, 2019 20:45:39 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

DBF won’t restrict their time at our house, and I’m ok with that. He did say that next time we go out of town, their Mom will have to make other arrangements. FWIW, this last time was not during a time that he was responsible for them.

Groceries and food are a whole ‘nother issue that I’m not sure how to handle. At first, I would buy and cook simple, unprocessed foods as much as possible. They don’t like the kind of food I buy and cook. So DBF buys a whole different set of groceries for them. It feels rude to me to cook meals for just myself when kids are in the house, even though I know they don’t want it anyway, so I’ve pretty much stopped cooking. As a result, I officially weigh more than I ever have in my life now, and I don’t like it! So I have to figure that out too, and SOON!

OK. You don't have a teen problem, you have a BF problem.

Look, the messages his kids are getting confusing, as to what to expect in terms of being blended as a family.

We have a wide variety of eaters at our house. Full on meat eaters, veggie eaters, and quasi-veggies. We cook meals that has something for everyone. IE, DH will cook pulled pork, and make a side of beans. Veggie eats the beans, the rest of us eat pork. We do something similar for Mexican. 

However, one meal is made. And if the kids don't like it, there's pb and j. Or they go hungry. Now, DS thought he'd be smart and spend his money on food that we wouldn't buy the family. That has stopped now that he has no access to fun money (I cut him off and he doesn't want to get a job).

With food, though, your BF giving his girls the message that they can do what they like, and he'll accommodate them. He's showing them that you don't enter into the "family" equation. And, really you have no recourse. So, honestly, I would start shopping for yourself and prepping meals you like if that makes you feel better. I wouldn't feel guilty about it. In your position, I would prioritize my health, too.

It's sort of easy to see how this is extended to how they treat your house...that you aren't family and it's OK to treat your place/your things how they want to...because you just don't enter into the equation.

So. I'd push back on your BF. Either he cleans, or like someone said, he hires a cleaner.

[Deleted]

Housework at our house is pretty minimal.  My teen would probably not know how to mop either...not that he couldn't figure it out...but I can't remember the last time I mopped myself.  It's been a long time!  I basically tell him he has to do his own laundry, clean his own bathroom and clean the cat boxes daily.  His standards are much lower than mine, but whatever.   Both kids are expected to clean off their spot after dinner, and if he sees the dishwasher is full of clean dishes, he'll SOMETIMES empty it without me asking him to.  He has been making his bed every day lately I noticed, not a great job of it, but it's made.  

[raeoflyte]

Oct 24, 2019 21:49:50 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Oct 24, 2019 20:45:39 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

DBF won’t restrict their time at our house, and I’m ok with that. He did say that next time we go out of town, their Mom will have to make other arrangements. FWIW, this last time was not during a time that he was responsible for them.

Groceries and food are a whole ‘nother issue that I’m not sure how to handle. At first, I would buy and cook simple, unprocessed foods as much as possible. They don’t like the kind of food I buy and cook. So DBF buys a whole different set of groceries for them. It feels rude to me to cook meals for just myself when kids are in the house, even though I know they don’t want it anyway, so I’ve pretty much stopped cooking. As a result, I officially weigh more than I ever have in my life now, and I don’t like it! So I have to figure that out too, and SOON!

OK. You don't have a teen problem, you have a BF problem.

Look, the messages his kids are getting confusing, as to what to expect in terms of being blended as a family.

We have a wide variety of eaters at our house. Full on meat eaters, veggie eaters, and quasi-veggies. We cook meals that has something for everyone. IE, DH will cook pulled pork, and make a side of beans. Veggie eats the beans, the rest of us eat pork. We do something similar for Mexican. 

However, one meal is made. And if the kids don't like it, there's pb and j. Or they go hungry. Now, DS thought he'd be smart and spend his money on food that we wouldn't buy the family. That has stopped now that he has no access to fun money (I cut him off and he doesn't want to get a job).

With food, though, your BF giving his girls the message that they can do what they like, and he'll accommodate them. He's showing them that you don't enter into the "family" equation. And, really you have no recourse. So, honestly, I would start shopping for yourself and prepping meals you like if that makes you feel better. I wouldn't feel guilty about it. In your position, I would prioritize my health, too.

It's sort of easy to see how this is extended to how they treat your house...that you aren't family and it's OK to treat your place/your things how they want to...because you just don't enter into the equation.

So. I'd push back on your BF. Either he cleans, or like someone said, he hires a cleaner.

I think this is extreme and authoritarian. The girls have their own family history with their mom and dad, dad on his own, and now dad and Pink.

I don't think we need to assign blame to anyone, the afterschool process is new to everyone. It doesn't sound like the girls have been asked to do much if any housework in prior living situations so the fact that they treat it like their own home is also a good sign. Yes, its Pink and her bf new home, but it should be his under aged kids home too. Not some place they feel like guests or visitors. They just need to make some adjustments so Pink isn't left holding the mop all the time.

I don't see how a house cleaner would help in this situation. Ours will wash a stray dish or 2 that are in the sink, but they are there to do real cleaning. This sounds more like not picking up after themselves. A cleaner could do a deep clean and Pink would still come home to a messy kitchen.

Pink - I think it has to come from dbf, but I'd be talking to him about coming up with an afterschool list that he needs them to do. For the dinner issue - make your meals. Invite them to join you whether they eat their food or yours. Maybe the girls could pick a night to make dinner once a month (together or separately) and you and your bf do the same so you have a few meals together where everyone is eating the same meal.

[trippypea]

These kids are family, not guests, and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect family members to clean up after themselves. You aren't their maid. If you and BF never told them what your expectations of them would be when you moved, now is the time to do so. I'm sure your BF gives them money when they ask...make it contingent on cleaning up after themselves when at his house, like allowance.

[Lizard Queen]

They should always try to clean up after themselves. My kids are 7 & 9, and we're trying to teach them this--and we should have started earlier!

[anciana]

I would expect people who feel comfortable enough to cook in a kitchen every day to feel comfortable enough to clean up after themselves. If they take the dishes out to cook, I think it is reasonable enough to expect them to clean them and put them back, or at least in the dishwasher. Same with the food and trash; if you use it, put everything back where it belongs or in trash.

 

Pink, I was wondering what dynamic did your BF have with his kids before you two moved in together. On the days they were with him, who was cleaning after them? Who does it now that you two share a house? Does he do all of that? Does he clean after them every day now?

[andi9899]

Oct 24, 2019 20:45:39 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

Oct 24, 2019 19:23:10 GMT -5 giramomma said:

We make our kids clean up after themselves. Even our 22 month old does something. She throws the clean silverware in the appropriate drawer.

I think you are going to be in a tough position. If your DBF sets some boundaries that restricts their time at your house, it could be spun that you don't want them there...and then girls won't come over. And it seems pretty clear that their mom won't enforce any boundaries your DF may establish.

Since the kids are close to being 18, I would probably would take the course of action that most preserves the relationship..which would be to hire a cleaner.

I might also alter what I buy for groceries, especially if the teens have preferences for certain foods. I would make sure less of the desired foods are bought.

And, when you are out of town, the girls don't belong at your house. If your DBF isn't home, it's not really their place to be there. Of course, assuming that you guys aren't leaving when he has his parenting time. If you take off while he has his parenting time...that's different.

DBF won’t restrict their time at our house, and I’m ok with that. He did say that next time we go out of town, their Mom will have to make other arrangements. FWIW, this last time was not during a time that he was responsible for them.

Groceries and food are a whole ‘nother issue that I’m not sure how to handle. At first, I would buy and cook simple, unprocessed foods as much as possible. They don’t like the kind of food I buy and cook. So DBF buys a whole different set of groceries for them. It feels rude to me to cook meals for just myself when kids are in the house, even though I know they don’t want it anyway, so I’ve pretty much stopped cooking. As a result, I officially weigh more than I ever have in my life now, and I don’t like it! So I have to figure that out too, and SOON!

Eff that. In my house if you don't like what I cook you can make yourself a sandwich or starve. I don't play that game. And teenagers are old enough to clean up after themselves. I would have a CTJ with dad and tell him he needs to get it together with his kids. I'm not going to have my life affected because another person can't make sure their kids can follow simple rules that should be common sense. I don't do that with my kids, why should someone else's kids be allowed to run amok in my house?

[laterbloomer]

Tell them that you only clean up after guests, and even then only for a few days. Family that live in the house clean up after themselves, including cleaning their own bathroom and bedrooms. But good luck, as reasonable as it is to expect it, I'd be very suspicious of a teenager that actually did it. The only time mine ever did is when they didn't want me to know what they were up to.

[hoops902]

Oct 25, 2019 10:24:26 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Oct 24, 2019 20:45:39 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

DBF won’t restrict their time at our house, and I’m ok with that. He did say that next time we go out of town, their Mom will have to make other arrangements. FWIW, this last time was not during a time that he was responsible for them.

Groceries and food are a whole ‘nother issue that I’m not sure how to handle. At first, I would buy and cook simple, unprocessed foods as much as possible. They don’t like the kind of food I buy and cook. So DBF buys a whole different set of groceries for them. It feels rude to me to cook meals for just myself when kids are in the house, even though I know they don’t want it anyway, so I’ve pretty much stopped cooking. As a result, I officially weigh more than I ever have in my life now, and I don’t like it! So I have to figure that out too, and SOON!

Eff that. In my house if you don't like what I cook you can make yourself a sandwich or starve. I don't play that game. And teenagers are old enough to clean up after themselves. I would have a CTJ with dad and tell him he needs to get it together with his kids. I'm not going to have my life affected because another person can't make sure their kids can follow simple rules that should be common sense. I don't do that with my kids, why should someone else's kids be allowed to run amok in my house?

1.  This part seems largely self-inflicted on OP's part though.  It seems like a disconnect between viewing these kids as "family".  There's nothing remotely rude about saying "I'm making X, you guys want some?  No, ok then".  But OP has it in her mind that it's "rude" to cook when kids are in the house, even though the kids don't want to eat the food anyways.  That's not their fault, that's just a personal issue to get over.

2.  I don't necessarily see anything wrong with teenagers eating the foods they like as long as it's part of a relatively healthy diet (obviously that definition changes based on everyone's thoughts on healthy).  They aren't asking OP to do extra work to cook them a specific meal.  I don't see anything wrong with buying the food they want to eat (for example, if my kid were vegan, I'd buy her vegan food.  I might make her learn to cook it herself, but I'm not just gonna say "we're eating meat, you either eat it, live on sandwiches until you're 18, or starve").

3.  Asking them to clean up, or having their dad asking them to clean up, is totally reasonable.  I don't think that impacts this idea that they simply like different foods and seem fine getting that food for themselves.

[Deleted]

My teen is on his own about half the time for dinner. Either he's at work or I'm out with his brother doing something.
Even when we're all home it's pretty common that he'll make himself something separate from what I'm making for whatever reason (usually it's because he's hungry before I start dinner). I dont think it's a big deal as long as he's doing it himself and not asking me to make it. I do get on him to clean up the kitchen when he's done...which he's not great at even with reminding.

Sometimes the youngest decides he wants to have what his brother is making and then I'm totally off the hook for cooking for the night which is nice.

[bookkeeper]

The important point that all the adults involved need to remember is this:


You are rearing young women, not enabling children who turn into adults.  By failing to teach them to be responsible for themselves and to pick up after themselves, you and your DBF are simply kicking the can down the road for some other person to deal with.  Think a year or two out.  Roommates, love interests, spouses, coworkers - all the future people in these girl's lives will have to live with this carelessness until someone teaches them that cleaning up after themselves is an important life skill.  

This doesn't have to be a big blow out family drama.  Simple rules like,  no one leaves the house until it is picked up or no one will make dinner until the after school mess is cleaned up.  Teenagers need rides, money, and have many wants.  Those things can be earned by being a contributing member to the household.  Once the girls figure out that good behavior is rewarded and bad behavior will stop everything until corrected, it will get much easier.  This is harder for the parents and the adults in the room to handle than the children.    My DH wanted me to hire a housekeeper when our sons were teenagers.  I refused and insisted that the people who lived in the house would be the ones to clean it.  Sometimes no one has ever shown a teenager how to clean and why it is important.  Parents teach their children how to use the potty chair, they also need to teach their older children how to clean a toilet.  Just another set of life skills that some families overlook.

[souldoubt]

What's reasonable is for able bodied people to pick up after themselves.  Not doing it or putting it off leads to one or two dishes becoming a sink full of dirty dishes that one person ends up cleaning because they're tired of looking at it.  We have admins at work who do a great job of keeping common areas like the kitchen clean but it's ridiculous when they have to clean up after people who make a mess.  I'd wager that the people who treat public places (beaches, parks, campgrounds, schools) like crap and don't pick up after themselves have houses that reflect that same mentality.  If even just 5% of the people do that then nice places start to look bad and if someone else doesn't clean it up it only gets worse.  As bookkeeper said work with your dbf so that his kids don't grow up to be those people.  

[Deleted]

Oct 24, 2019 21:49:50 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Oct 24, 2019 20:45:39 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

DBF won’t restrict their time at our house, and I’m ok with that. He did say that next time we go out of town, their Mom will have to make other arrangements. FWIW, this last time was not during a time that he was responsible for them.

Groceries and food are a whole ‘nother issue that I’m not sure how to handle. At first, I would buy and cook simple, unprocessed foods as much as possible. They don’t like the kind of food I buy and cook. So DBF buys a whole different set of groceries for them. It feels rude to me to cook meals for just myself when kids are in the house, even though I know they don’t want it anyway, so I’ve pretty much stopped cooking. As a result, I officially weigh more than I ever have in my life now, and I don’t like it! So I have to figure that out too, and SOON!

OK. You don't have a teen problem, you have a BF problem.

Look, the messages his kids are getting confusing, as to what to expect in terms of being blended as a family.

We have a wide variety of eaters at our house. Full on meat eaters, veggie eaters, and quasi-veggies. We cook meals that has something for everyone. IE, DH will cook pulled pork, and make a side of beans. Veggie eats the beans, the rest of us eat pork. We do something similar for Mexican. 

However, one meal is made. And if the kids don't like it, there's pb and j. Or they go hungry. Now, DS thought he'd be smart and spend his money on food that we wouldn't buy the family. That has stopped now that he has no access to fun money (I cut him off and he doesn't want to get a job).

With food, though, your BF giving his girls the message that they can do what they like, and he'll accommodate them. He's showing them that you don't enter into the "family" equation. And, really you have no recourse. So, honestly, I would start shopping for yourself and prepping meals you like if that makes you feel better. I wouldn't feel guilty about it. In your position, I would prioritize my health, too.

It's sort of easy to see how this is extended to how they treat your house...that you aren't family and it's OK to treat your place/your things how they want to...because you just don't enter into the equation.

So. I'd push back on your BF. Either he cleans, or like someone said, he hires a cleaner.

I do feel like it’s more of a BF problem than a teen problem. His and their Mom’s parenting styles are different from mine. I don’t think it’s worse, just different. I’m not trying to force my ideas on anybody, but at the same time, I know what I need to be at peace at home.

I don’t think they’re deliberately being messy because it’s “my”house, so who cares. I think they just haven’t been required to clean up after themselves, period.

[Deleted]

I think this is extreme and authoritarian. The girls have their own family history with their mom and dad, dad on his own, and now dad and Pink.

I don't think we need to assign blame to anyone, the afterschool process is new to everyone. It doesn't sound like the girls have been asked to do much if any housework in prior living situations so the fact that they treat it like their own home is also a good sign. Yes, its Pink and her bf new home, but it should be his under aged kids home too. Not some place they feel like guests or visitors. They just need to make some adjustments so Pink isn't left holding the mop all the time.

I don't see how a house cleaner would help in this situation. Ours will wash a stray dish or 2 that are in the sink, but they are there to do real cleaning. This sounds more like not picking up after themselves. A cleaner could do a deep clean and Pink would still come home to a messy kitchen.

Pink - I think it has to come from dbf, but I'd be talking to him about coming up with an afterschool list that he needs them to do. For the dinner issue - make your meals. Invite them to join you whether they eat their food or yours. Maybe the girls could pick a night to make dinner once a month (together or separately) and you and your bf do the same so you have a few meals together where everyone is eating the same meal.

raeoflyte I definitely want them to feel like this is their home too. 

I had a conversation with DBF last month and told him that I put a lot of energy into keeping our home clean, but I’d started feeling kind of like the maid. I explained that if 4 people are here every day and they each leave a little mess here and there, don’t  put things back where they belong, and leave trash laying around, it quickly becomes a big mess. And I’m the one that usually cleans it all up, so I’d like for us to find some other solution besides leaving it all for me.. We didn’t really come up with a solution, but he did say he’d talk to the girls, but I don’t think he ever did,

Then we went out of town, and what we came back to made it clear even to him. But when he called them to talk about it, their Mom jumped on the phone and it went left. He cleaned the kitchen himself that night.

We usually have dinner together on “his” Sundays. He cooks, I work Sundays. But we could stand to do it more often. I like sitting down at the table, having dinner together as a family.

[Deleted]

Oct 25, 2019 11:51:09 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

Oct 25, 2019 10:24:26 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Eff that. In my house if you don't like what I cook you can make yourself a sandwich or starve. I don't play that game. And teenagers are old enough to clean up after themselves. I would have a CTJ with dad and tell him he needs to get it together with his kids. I'm not going to have my life affected because another person can't make sure their kids can follow simple rules that should be common sense. I don't do that with my kids, why should someone else's kids be allowed to run amok in my house?

1.  This part seems largely self-inflicted on OP's part though.  It seems like a disconnect between viewing these kids as "family".  There's nothing remotely rude about saying "I'm making X, you guys want some?  No, ok then".  But OP has it in her mind that it's "rude" to cook when kids are in the house, even though the kids don't want to eat the food anyways.  That's not their fault, that's just a personal issue to get over.

2.  I don't necessarily see anything wrong with teenagers eating the foods they like as long as it's part of a relatively healthy diet (obviously that definition changes based on everyone's thoughts on healthy).  They aren't asking OP to do extra work to cook them a specific meal.  I don't see anything wrong with buying the food they want to eat (for example, if my kid were vegan, I'd buy her vegan food.  I might make her learn to cook it herself, but I'm not just gonna say "we're eating meat, you either eat it, live on sandwiches until you're 18, or starve").

3.  Asking them to clean up, or having their dad asking them to clean up, is totally reasonable.  I don't think that impacts this idea that they simply like different foods and seem fine getting that food for themselves.

1. No, I don’t feel it’s rude to cook when kids are in the house, I just feel like it’s rude to only cook enough for myself when they’re here. I’m from the south and we have rules!  They’re use to having dinner cooked for them, but if their Dad isn’t here and I had plans to broil salmon (which they don’t want), what do I do?

2. I doubt anyone would consider their preferred foods a healthy diet. When I’m on track, I eat a lot of baked meats, veggies and salads. They prefer junk food (like a lot of teens), sweets, and fried foods. Their are some real weight and health concerns for one of them that a better diet would help, but I stay in my lane on that, they have 2 parents to make those decisions for them.

3. That’s pretty much all I was asking, if it was unreasonable to ask them to clean up after themselves since they’re here every day.

[Deleted]

Anyway, yesterday the kitchen was a wreck when I got home, which prompted this post. I didn’t say anything, and didn’t clean it up. DBF finally cleaned it up, so I guess that’s his solution.

[teen persuasion]

Oct 25, 2019 13:38:22 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

The important point that all the adults involved need to remember is this:


You are rearing young women, not enabling children who turn into adults.  By failing to teach them to be responsible for themselves and to pick up after themselves, you and your DBF are simply kicking the can down the road for some other person to deal with.  Think a year or two out.  Roommates, love interests, spouses, coworkers - all the future people in these girl's lives will have to live with this carelessness until someone teaches them that cleaning up after themselves is an important life skill.  

This doesn't have to be a big blow out family drama.  Simple rules like,  no one leaves the house until it is picked up or no one will make dinner until the after school mess is cleaned up.  Teenagers need rides, money, and have many wants.  Those things can be earned by being a contributing member to the household.  Once the girls figure out that good behavior is rewarded and bad behavior will stop everything until corrected, it will get much easier.  This is harder for the parents and the adults in the room to handle than the children.    My DH wanted me to hire a housekeeper when our sons were teenagers.  I refused and insisted that the people who lived in the house would be the ones to clean it.  Sometimes no one has ever shown a teenager how to clean and why it is important.  Parents teach their children how to use the potty chair, they also need to teach their older children how to clean a toilet.  Just another set of life skills that some families overlook.

Very good post.

DS4 every so often has a rant about his college roommates. Not all of them brought dishes, so one individual will use another's extra plates, etc. DS4 doesn't mind that, but does mind when the dirty dishes are just left to pile up in the sink until everyone is out of clean dishes. Generally it is DS4 (my cleaner) who eventually caves and washes everything but is resentful that they leave it for him. Sometimes he just washes his one plate to use and then put back in the sink, which is dumb, but I get it - he's hoping someone else will eventually get a clue and step up.

The others are just clueless - it's not deliberate, they just don't think about the cleaning part needing to be done. They weren't taught to think of it.


He's also told me about this video on the "magic table". A guy is telling someone else about the magic table he has in his house - every night, whatever mess is on it disappears and the plates/glasses/etc are cleaned and back in the cabinet when he gets up in the morning. His buddy says, "yeah, I've got a magic table in my house, too". The women in the video are flabbergasted. At least, I think that's the gist of the story.