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Post by tea4me on Apr 5, 2011 8:42:14 GMT -5
When the guy is paying, I NEVER order anything expensive. I feel too guilty.
Now, after 2-1/2 years with BF, if I want (crave) something expensive, I offer to pay.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Apr 5, 2011 9:28:22 GMT -5
A long time ago the rule was 'don't order anything more expensive than your date orders'. That rule is so ingrained in me that 50+ years later I find myself still doing this. I don't order anything more expensive than DH gets.
This was the same rule during the 37 yrs of marriage with late DH. Guess I've never seen anything that was worth the added expense.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2011 9:35:33 GMT -5
The wine list is where you really get into trouble... there I might try and take my cues from my host. My tactic here would be to say something like, "The difference between a decent wine and a sublime one is lost on me so I'm going to choose something moderately-priced unless you feel differently". (And yes, the difference IS lost on me.) That way, if he feels strongly enough about the quality of the wine that he's willing to go to the high end of the wine list, he can say so. Years ago, my boss went to an actuarial meeting at one of the plushy resort settings- may have been the Broadmoor in Colorado. His wife was given a menu, including a wine list, with no prices. She ordered the wine and the waiter responded with "Very good choice, Madame". Boss knew he was going to get nailed with a big bill- and he was.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Apr 5, 2011 12:07:33 GMT -5
I think the original question has been somewhat lost. I agree that I wouldn't take someone to a restaurant I couldn't afford, but I think we all still have mental parameters of what is "reasonable" and what isn't.
A date who orders lavishly would absolutely be cause for concern in my book. Now I would try to "cross-reference" this behavior with some others to see if it was really a reason to be put off or not. If I knew she had a good amount of money, and/or ordered just as lavishly when on her own dollar, I guess I wouldn't feel used. But if she is really tight with her own money, then I would extrapolate that out to a lack of respect, and it would not bode well for long term prospects. If she put out easy or was a lot of fun, then she'd be one of those "women you date, but not marry".
Sorry, I don't have unlimited funds. I learned the hard way that staying outside of my comfort zone just set an unsustainable baseline that ended up costing me a lot in the long run.
...:::"She ordered the wine and the waiter responded with "Very good choice, Madame". Boss knew he was going to get nailed with a big bill- and he was. ":::...
Don't they always say "excellent choice"? Is it really like they'd say, "ugh, you want that swill?"
I guess you could measure how excited they get, but then again if you are one of those people who don't tip on wine (or you add a flat tip for wine vs a %) then that waiter is in for a surprise.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Apr 5, 2011 12:35:24 GMT -5
I don't really look at the price of my or her meal. I know ahead of time if I can afford to eat there. I don't usually do expensive dinner dates though. A difference of $20 at Olive Garden isn't going to break the bank.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2011 12:42:17 GMT -5
I ask what he is getting or what he recommends. If he recommends something I will usually order thatI love chicks who are good at following directions and taking orders.... Hey, that's me. Follow directions and take orders
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dividend
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Post by dividend on Apr 5, 2011 14:13:18 GMT -5
Sorry, I don't have unlimited funds. I learned the hard way that staying outside of my comfort zone just set an unsustainable baseline that ended up costing me a lot in the long run. Then pick a restaurant appropriate to your limited funds, so you don't put your date in a position of either cheaping out and not enjoy her meal as much out of concern for your finances, or ordering something she likes and being disqualified for being extravagant. It shouldn't be a psychological game, it's just dinner.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Apr 5, 2011 14:56:32 GMT -5
...:::"Then pick a restaurant appropriate to your limited funds, so you don't put your date in a position of either cheaping out and not enjoy her meal as much out of concern for your finances, or ordering something she likes and being disqualified for being extravagant.":::...
In my first sentence I DID say that I would choose a restaurant appropriate to my budget. But that doesn't mean that there can't be a huge variation in the cost. Cheesecake Factory could cost anywhere from $30 (one entree each, no drinks) to $120 (cocktails, appetizers, wine, entrees, and dessert).
Reading even deeper into what you said about showing concern for finances... with the exception of the top 1% of the population, finances is a concern for almost everyone. While not everyone micro-analyzes it the way we on YM do, I think we've all seen plenty of examples of what happens to those who don't take it seriously.
Again, the "disqualification" would mainly come into play if I sensed that she was just taking advantage of a free meal. Even if she is "being herself", if I sense that she is going to be really expensive to keep dating, then I have to make the call as to whether whatever value she provides is worth what it costs to keep seeing her. If its costing me $120 a date just for dinner at cheesecake factory, then what is she going to expect when we go to a "nice" place?
...:::"It shouldn't be a psychological game, it's just dinner.":::...
Dating is far too much a bunch of games as it is. Everyone says they don't want it to be, but it still happens. If I were ever dating again, I would not be willing to do the "dinner/interview" type date until at least date 3. It is way too much pressure for a first date.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Apr 5, 2011 15:25:15 GMT -5
If I were ever dating again, I would not be willing to do the "dinner/interview" type date until at least date 3. It is way too much pressure for a first date.
I'm with you... I did internet dating before I met DH and coffee or a happy hour drink is a much better choice for a meet & greet. No need for either party to feel obligated for anything (other than the guy paying a couple of bucks for a drink and no guy is going to expect a girl to put out for a cup of coffee), a quick exit if you don't click and you can always go somewhere else to continue the date if you hit it off well.
When anyone else is paying - date, spouse, relative, friend, boss, whomever, I try to stick to the lower price points on the menu and take my lead on the extras (drinks, dessert, appetizers) from the person who is paying. I think that's just the polite thing to do. Unless they're ordering a really expensive item and specifically encourage me to get one too.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Apr 5, 2011 16:26:09 GMT -5
I keep milling over dividend's comment, and getting more and more offended by it. If I asked a woman out to dinner and I was paying, and she felt that ordering sensibly was "cheaping out" then my goodness I hope she lets me know because she'd be doing me a HUGE favor. She is getting a free goddamn meal! She has no obligations whatsoever.
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dividend
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Post by dividend on Apr 5, 2011 21:08:03 GMT -5
I keep milling over dividend's comment, and getting more and more offended by it. If I asked a woman out to dinner and I was paying, and she felt that ordering sensibly was "cheaping out" then my goodness I hope she lets me know because she'd be doing me a HUGE favor. She is getting a free goddamn meal! She has no obligations whatsoever. I guess I don't know what "ordering sensibly" means. I cook and eat sensibly at home - I want to go out to eat interesting, delicious things. I see other women on here talking about ordering something that's <= the cost of their date's meal, or picking from the lower price range on the menu. Is that sensible, even if what they actually want to eat is more expensive? That's what I mean by "cheaping out." I understand if you're talking about a woman who is intentionally milking you for things she wouldn't order on her own dime. But what if you go some place that she loves, and her favorite dish, that she orders when she goes there alone, happens to be the most expensive? Here's an example. I like Belgian beer. If a guy asked me out for a drink, and he orders a Bud Light for $1.50, should I not order the Delerium Tremens for $8, even though it's by far my preference? All I'm saying is that I'm not going to put up a front by deliberately ordering something because it's cheap, if I'd rather have something else, that happens to be more expensive. I'm not seeing where that does anyone any good. And the guy that would feel taken advantage of by the things I like to order at restaurants isn't someone I want to date anyway. Plus, dismissing me for that means that he misses out on all the great stuff we'd eat when I was picking up the tab.
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